Alu Part 1 (Short Story)

Hello, I am a Nigerian woman currently living in Toronto,Canada and an aspiring author of African Fiction Romance Novels. My first book titled Alu (excerpt below) is to be published Summer 2011. Enjoy


The sound of the drums grew louder and louder. Negasi knew he had made it. He had escaped sure death at the hands of his rival, and he had lived to fight another day. "The pain will now come to an end" he thought, "The villagers will find me and nurse me back to health..." little did he know that death at the hands of Ajani and his posse would have been a better option than what he was about to face. If he had known, he would have ran the opposite direction and begged Ajani for a quick death but instead, he walked towards the village with the sound of drums; one wobbly foot after another, finding strength from the depth of his being. Suddenly, he saw a light flickering from beyond the trees. Yes! Yes!! He muttered to himself and kept walking as fast as his weary legs could carry him. He soon reached a clearing and as soon as he emerged from the bush, the drumming stopped and masked heads turned to face him. He attempted to wave and smile but felt dizzy and fell to the ground with a big thud...alt

The heat was deadly, the bugs were unforgiving. If only he had the strength to swat those bloodsucking devils! He was so weak... All he could do was lie still while they sucked him dry and left him even weaker. How long has it been? Three days? He was not really sure since all he remembered was drifting in and out of consciousness; Only staying awake long enough to be fed by a woman. A very mysterious face with large brown eyes that made him feel a chill down his spine despite the scorching heat...or was that a dream too? One of his fever induced illusions? She must have been a figment of his imagination because she looked so ethereal. She was looking down at the concoction she was mixing in a wooden bowl but he had noticed her thick, long curly lashes and when she looked up at him, her almond shaped eyes sparkled like they had stars in them. He had attempted to speak but she stopped him, begging him to eat and lay still because he was not yet strong. Her presence had made him over-excite himself and he indeed felt weak and dizzy and before long, he drifted back to sleep.

A cock crowed and through the thatched roof of the hut, some sunlight drifted in. For the first time in days, Negasi woke up without any assistance. His strength was returning but he still felt pain on his left side. He slowly forced himself to sit up only to realize that he was naked under the covers made from jute cloth. He looked carefully at the cloth pattern and realized that the pattern was foreign to him. He got up from the bed, winced in pain and wrapped the cloth around his waist. The fire was out and there was no other light in the hut so he had not realized that he had company; until he stumbled on a calabash bowl left on the floor...




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Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Austin posted on 12-06-2010, 18:31:52 PM
Me am only interested in the photo o, for now at least lol.
Anyway, my question is, what is that guy in the foto starring so intently at? Any clues anyone?
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Hawk posted on 12-06-2010, 18:34:45 PM
Let the guy in the foto answer you. Me, I no sabi lol.
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Patcho posted on 12-06-2010, 21:34:36 PM
Thank you Ms. Emenanjo. Difficult to comment on style since this is only part 1. However, more descriptions can help.

"How long has it been? Three days?"

Three days at where? Why did he have to be there for three days? Did he leave that place to somewhere else? How---a rescue? {probably, your Part 2 would highlight more}.

"He looked carefully at the cloth pattern and realized that the pattern was foreign to him."

In one sentense, you used the word "pattern" twice. Obviously you can use another word, you may describe that "pattern."

"The fire was out and there was..."

Avoid entirely expressions like "there was" in your story lines if you can. Let objects become germane and gain life by itself through descriptions.

Finally, thank you for the Part 1. The idea is there but I'd like you to hold me spellbound, enticing me in your conclusion to hungrily look forward to reading the next part. Let your conclusion express same hunger that tore through the body of the man in that image.

The best.

nwadike2@gmail.com
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Mask posted on 12-06-2010, 21:50:35 PM
Ms. Emenajo, you are a budding talent. I associate myself with Patcho's above. Keep trying.
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Anwulika posted on 12-06-2010, 21:58:19 PM
Thank you all for the comments! Stay tuned for part 2...
Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Anwuli Emenanjo posted on 12-06-2010, 22:23:26 PM
Hello, I am a Nigerian woman currently living in Toronto,Canada and an aspiring author of African Fiction Romance Novels. My first book titled Alu (excerpt below) is to be published Fall 2011. Enjoy





The sound of the drums grew louder and louder. Negasi knew he had made it. He had escaped sure death at the hands of his rival, and he had lived to fight another day. "The pain will now come to an end" he thought, "The villagers will find me and nurse me back to health..." little did he know that death at the hands of Ajani and his posse would have been a better option than what he was about to face. If he had known, he would have ran the opposite direction and begged Ajani for a quick death but instead, he walked towards the village with the sound of drums; one wobbly foot after another, finding strength from the depth of his being. Suddenly, he saw a light flickering from beyond the trees. Yes! Yes!! He muttered to himself and kept walking as fast as his weary legs could carry him. He soon reached a clearing and as soon as he emerged from the bush, the drumming stopped and masked heads turned to face him. He attempted to wave and smile but felt dizzy and fell to the ground with a big thud...user posted image

The heat was deadly, the bugs were unforgiving. If only he had the strength to swat those bloodsucking devils! He was so weak... All he could do was lie still while they sucked him dry and left him even weaker. How long has it been? Three days? He was not really sure since all he remembered was drifting in and out of consciousness; Only staying awake long enough to be fed by a woman. A very mysterious face with large brown eyes that made him feel a chill down his spine despite the scorching heat...or was that a dream too? One of his fever induced illusions? She must have been a figment of his imagination because she looked so ethereal. She was looking down at the concoction she was mixing in a wooden bowl but he had noticed her thick, long curly lashes and when she looked up at him, her almond shaped eyes sparkled like they had stars in them. He had attempted to speak but she stopped him, begging him to eat and lay still because he was not yet strong. Her presence had made him over-excite himself and he indeed felt weak and dizzy and before long, he drifted back to sleep.


A cock crowed and through the thatched roof of the hut, some sunlight drifted in. For the first time in days, Negasi woke up without any assistance. His strength was returning but he still felt pain on his left side. He slowly forced himself to sit up only to realize that he was naked under the covers made from jute cloth. He looked carefully at the cloth pattern and realized that the pattern was foreign to him. He got up from the bed, winced in pain and wrapped the cloth around his waist. The fire was out and there was no other light in the hut so he had not realized that he had company; until he stumbled on a calabash bowl left on the floor...




Read full article
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Beam posted on 12-06-2010, 22:23:26 PM
Hello, I am a Nigerian woman currently living in Toronto,Canada and an aspiring author of African Fiction Romance Novels. My first book titled Alu (excerpt below) is to be published Summer 2011. Enjoy




The sound of the drums grew louder and louder. Negasi knew he had made it. He had escaped sure death at the hands of his rival, and he had lived to fight another day. "The pain will now come to an end" he thought, "The villagers will find me and nurse me back to health..." little did he know that death at the hands of Ajani and his posse would have been a better option than what he was about to face. If he had known, he would have ran the opposite direction and begged Ajani for a quick death but instead, he walked towards the village with the sound of drums; one wobbly foot after another, finding strength from the depth of his being. Suddenly, he saw a light flickering from beyond the trees. Yes! Yes!! He muttered to himself and kept walking as fast as his weary legs could carry him. He soon reached a clearing and as soon as he emerged from the bush, the drumming stopped and masked heads turned to face him. He attempted to wave and smile but felt dizzy and fell to the ground with a big thud...alt

The heat was deadly, the bugs were unforgiving. If only he had the strength to swat those bloodsucking devils! He was so weak... All he could do was lie still while they sucked him dry and left him even weaker. How long has it been? Three days? He was not really sure since all he remembered was drifting in and out of consciousness; Only staying awake long enough to be fed by a woman. A very mysterious face with large brown eyes that made him feel a chill down his spine despite the scorching heat...or was that a dream too? One of his fever induced illusions? She must have been a figment of his imagination because she looked so ethereal. She was looking down at the concoction she was mixing in a wooden bowl but he had noticed her thick, long curly lashes and when she looked up at him, her almond shaped eyes sparkled like they had stars in them. He had attempted to speak but she stopped him, begging him to eat and lay still because he was not yet strong. Her presence had made him over-excite himself and he indeed felt weak and dizzy and before long, he drifted back to sleep.


A cock crowed and through the thatched roof of the hut, some sunlight drifted in. For the first time in days, Negasi woke up without any assistance. His strength was returning but he still felt pain on his left side. He slowly forced himself to sit up only to realize that he was naked under the covers made from jute cloth. He looked carefully at the cloth pattern and realized that the pattern was foreign to him. He got up from the bed, winced in pain and wrapped the cloth around his waist. The fire was out and there was no other light in the hut so he had not realized that he had company; until he stumbled on a calabash bowl left on the floor...





..Read the full article
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Chidubem posted on 12-06-2010, 23:36:30 PM
Ride on dear,
who am I to comment on it?
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Dove posted on 12-07-2010, 01:00:32 AM
The best of luck, Lady Anwuri. I can see another Chimamanda on the horizon.

I'd suggest you take Patcho's advice seriously, seek pro. assistance if possible. I would of volunteered to assist(if you wanted), but only if it was written in Afrikaan. That's where my expertise lies.

How I wished that lady in the pic wore an afro! Hate that over load.

As for that guy...Me I dey laugh ooo
Re: Alu Part 1 (Short Story)
Schadenfreude posted on 12-07-2010, 03:11:03 AM
@Patcho,

wahala dey sleep yanga dey wake am!!!! Abeg the tory koret. all those koretshons wey you dey yab na shakara!

@Anwuli,

Excellent! I am already looking forward to part 2!!!!

There is a minor typo in your first paragraph: 'If he had known, he would have ran....' should read 'If he had known, he would have run........

Thanks,

Prof. Schadenfreude (SSCE (NECO), WASSCE (WAEC))
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