You Be Tief, I No Be Tief

You Be Tief, I No Be Tief

By Pius Adesanmi


Somewhere in the background, Fela croons:

(You be tief, I no be tief

You dey steal, I no dey steal

You be rogue, I no be rogue

You be robber, I no be robber

You be armu robber, I no be armu robber

Argument argument, argue, argument argument

Dem argue, argument argument

Argument about stealing…)

"Hey, you this boy, get me today's newspapers kia kia!"

"Ah, Baba, they are already on your breakfast table sir. All your regulars are there sir. The New York Times, The Washington Post, International Herald Tribune, The Times of Afghanistan, The Nepal Chronicle, The Toronto Star, The Times of Papua New Guinea, The…"

"My friend, I'm not interested in international newspapers today. Get me our own papers"

"Sir?"

"Are you deaf? Is your head correct at all? What is wrong with this boy today? Are you going to start counting my voice?"

"Sorry, Baba, but I don't understand"

"Mo ma daran o. You don't understand what? I say go and get me today's papers!"

"Like Tribune, Punch, Guardian, Vanguard, and ThisDay?"

"No. Like Toyota, Nissan, BMW, and Mercedes. Did you forget your brain in your room when you woke up today?"

"Em… em… Baba but those are Nigerian newspapers sir. You don't read local newspapers sir. Ever since you declared two years ago that Nigerian journalists and newspapers are worthless and that…"

"My friend, shut up and go and get me newspapers!"

"But, sir, all the vendors have run away from Otta since you declared war on local newspapers sir. And remember that you beat one vendor and nearly killed him for stealing two eggs from the poultry sir. So, it is not easy to get Nigerian newspapers around the farm here sir"

"You this foolish boy, I'm not going to continue this argument with you. If in 30 minutes I am not reading today's newspapers right here where I am seating, the ground on which you are standing will grow taller than you today. Iwo aso ni lenu omo buruku yi"

"Baba, I will try to get the papers."

"hm hm, don't try"

"Baba, you are in are in such a foul mood this morning sir. Abi it is Ayo Fayose again? Has he called you a father of bastards again? Abi it is Chief Bode George? Is he still refusing to do omoluabi and bring tibi to Ota?"

"Just go and get me the damned papers, my friend! If you must know, I just got a phone call that one idiot in Minna has developed diarrhea of the mouth and I want to confirm things. But I know that they are lying against him. Mo jeri e. He cannot say what they said he said about me"

"Okay, sir, let me run and get the papers sir"

"A ma dupe o! Finally, you have grown a brain. If it is true that that yeye man has abused me like people are telling me on the phone, I will make him understand that when you step on a viper, something that crawls on its chest will give you a fight. But I trust him sha. A barking dog knows the man from whose pocket came the money that bought it."

"Baba… Baba… Baba…. I've come back from town with the newspapers sir. Chei, Babangida has killed you sir. Mi o riru eleyi ri o. I've never seen anything like this before Baba. It's a combination of uppercuts and knockouts. Ayo Fayose was kese kese, this one is the real kasa kasa."

"Ogbeni, are you mad? Are you crazy? I may have to hire another personal assistant soon. Common, sit down and read the damned papers to me!"

"Sorry, sir, I got carried away. Em… em… here is how the Guardian puts it sir: ""In my eight years in office, I was able to manage poverty and achieved success while somebody for eight years managed affluence and achieved failure."

"Is that what Babangida is saying?"

"That is just the appetizer, Baba. He also said that…"

alt

"Okay, ok, that's enough. If Babangida has decided, on becoming a septuagenarian, that he will be a fool, I think one should probably do what the Bible says in Proverbs Chapter 26, verse 4. It says don't answer a fool because you may also become like him. When you go to the same Proverbs chapter 26, verse 5, it says answer a fool so that he will not think he's a wise man. So, I am now torn between which of the two verses I should follow in this respect."

"Baba, what about Ese Ifa?"

"What did you say?"

"Sir, I mean, em…em… if the Bible is giving you contradicting verses, tossing you a little to the right and a little to the left, what about Ifa verses? There should be an Ifa verse that could guide you on how to respond to this Minna virus if the Bible confuses you instead of offering you a solution"

"O ma de tun ri yen so o. Your brain is not always useless. Ifa says an elder should never give his mark of superiority to an insolent child, you just show it to him. I will show that fool at seventy my mark of superiority."

"So, what do we do now, Baba?"

"Good question. Do we still have the secret files on Dele Giwa?"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on Gloria Okon?"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on Bongos Ikwue's love child with…"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on the secret cash bunker beneath his hilltop mansion in Minna?"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on the Ejigbo Hercules plane crash?"

"Yes sir. But…sir…"

"But what?

"Sir, those are all code red files?"

"And so"

"Well, when I got this job as your personal assistant, they told me during orientation that all the Generals who have ruled Nigeria possess code red files on one another and you all have a pact never to release those files to Nigerians no matter the degree of provocation. If you release the code red files you have on Babangida sir, do we know what code red files he has on you? Do you want to be the first of the Generals to ever cross that deadly line sir?"

"Ah, that's true. O tun ri yen so again. Alright, go and summon journalists to my Presidential library tomorrow. I will give a press conference there. Do we have enough cash in brown envelopes for them?"

"Yes, sir, but the journalists are always complaining that your brown envelopes are never brown enough"

"Did their fathers give me the money? My friend, go and do what I asked you to do!"


(Somewhere in Abuja…)

"Hello, hello, is that you, Reno?"

"Hello, yes this is Reno. Ah, Reuben, is that you?"

"You no know my voice again? I hope you and Trippi are enjoying the Federal Government's hospitality at the Presidential suite of that hotel?"

"My brother, we thank God o. We were just waiting for Oronto. Has he left the villa?"

"Yes, he will join you and Trippi soon at the hotel but there is a developing story. Have you read the papers today?"

"No, what's going on, Reuben?"

"Ah, Obj and IBB have been rolling in the gutter and I see an opportunity for us there."

"Really, how bad is it, Reuben?"

"Very bad, Reno. Get the papers."

"Fantastic! In that case, that would be a perfect diversion!"

"Precisely! My thoughts, exactly. That's why I called you. We should milk the situation to the maximum. It's not easy dealing with what people in my former constituency are now saying and writing about me."

"Reuben! Shebi me and Oronto don tell you make you no worry? You'll get used to it. You'll soon forget that that other world even exists"

"I hear you but we need to seize the opportunity of these Generals in the gutter"

"I agree with you. That could take Nigerians' attention away from tenure elongation, kerosene scarcity, Islamic banking, insecurity, unemployment, and the duplication of roles between the President's cabinet and his economic team."

"That's what I'm thinking. You have no idea how tough it is for me to release statements defending those things when I know what I would have written when…"

"Reuben, you are no longer allowed to think what you would have thought when you were outside. You are paid to think what we think! But I agree with you that these foolish Generals have provided a fantastic diversion for us."

"Yes, here is my plan. While we give the impression to the Nigerian people that the presidency is unhappy with the Generals' spat and that president Jonathan is working quietly behind the scenes with other eminent elder statesmen to resolve the issue, we can do other things underground to keep them tearing at each other for the next two weeks"

"Reuben! Brilliant! That is brilliant! You are already better at this job than Oronto and I combined! Why don't you work on your kinsman from Ogun? Oronto and I will work on the Minna General."

(A few minutes past midnight...)

"Hello, Baba, sorry I am calling this late sir"

"Who is this?"

"Emi omo yin ni sir"

"I know how many children I have"

"It's Reuben sir. From the presidency"

"Ah, Reuben! It's you. Omo daa daa. Are you calling on behalf of your boss?"

"No sir, I am calling in my private capacity sir. I just read what the Minna General has been saying about you. It's a collective insult on the Yoruba race sir and you must not allow him to get away with it. You must respond in full force sir. It's also another insult from the Muslim north. They treat our leaders in the Christian south with contempt."

"Reuben, you are a true omoluabi! Don't worry. Babangida is a small boy. By tomorrow you will see my hands."

"Em… Baba, you know that publicly the presidency will be making peace…"

"I understand…"

"Thank you sir. Baba, e ma gba o. You must deal decisively with IBB and…"

"Reuben, don't worry. Wa gbele gbo."eHeHH



1
You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Pius Adesanmi posted on 08-19-2011, 22:09:47 PM
You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
By Pius Adesanmi
Somewhere in the background, Fela croons:

(You be tief, I no be tief

You dey steal, I no dey steal

You be rogue, I no be rogue

You be robber, I no be robber

You be armu robber, I no be armu robber

Argument argument, argue, argument argument

Dem argue, argument argument

Argument about stealing…)

"Hey, you this boy, get me today's newspapers kia kia!"

"Ah, Baba, they are already on your breakfast table sir. All your regulars are there sir. The New York Times, The Washington Post, International Herald Tribune, The Times of Afghanistan, The Nepal Chronicle, The Toronto Star, The Times of Papua New Guinea, The…"

"My friend, I'm not interested in international newspapers today. Get me our own papers"

"Sir?"

"Are you deaf? Is your head correct at all? What is wrong with this boy today? Are you going to start counting my voice?"

"Sorry, Baba, but I don't understand"

"Mo ma daran o. You don't understand what? I say go and get me today's papers!"

"Like Tribune, Punch, Guardian, Vanguard, and ThisDay?"

"No. Like Toyota, Nissan, BMW, and Mercedes. Did you forget your brain in your room when you woke up today?"

"Em… em… Baba but those are Nigerian newspapers sir. You don't read local newspapers sir. Ever since you declared two years ago that Nigerian journalists and newspapers are worthless and that…"

"My friend, shut up and go and get me newspapers!"

"But, sir, all the vendors have run away from Otta since you declared war on local newspapers sir. And remember that you beat one vendor and nearly killed him for stealing two eggs from the poultry sir. So, it is not easy to get Nigerian newspapers around the farm here sir"

"You this foolish boy, I'm not going to continue this argument with you. If in 30 minutes I am not reading today's newspapers right here where I am seating, the ground on which you are standing will grow taller than you today. Iwo aso ni lenu omo buruku yi"

"Baba, I will try to get the papers."

"hm hm, don't try"

"Baba, you are in are in such a foul mood this morning sir. Abi it is Ayo Fayose again? Has he called you a father of bastards again? Abi it is Chief Bode George? Is he still refusing to do omoluabi and bring tibi to Ota?"

"Just go and get me the damned papers, my friend! If you must know, I just got a phone call that one idiot in Minna has developed diarrhea of the mouth and I want to confirm things. But I know that they are lying against him. Mo jeri e. He cannot say what they said he said about me"

"Okay, sir, let me run and get the papers sir"

"A ma dupe o! Finally, you have grown a brain. If it is true that that yeye man has abused me like people are telling me on the phone, I will make him understand that when you step on a viper, something that crawls on its chest will give you a fight. But I trust him sha. A barking dog knows the man from whose pocket came the money that bought it."

"Baba… Baba… Baba…. I've come back from town with the newspapers sir. Chei, Babangida has killed you sir. Mi o riru eleyi ri o. I've never seen anything like this before Baba. It's a combination of uppercuts and knockouts. Ayo Fayose was kese kese, this one is the real kasa kasa."

"Ogbeni, are you mad? Are you crazy? I may have to hire another personal assistant soon. Common, sit down and read the damned papers to me!"

"Sorry, sir, I got carried away. Em… em… here is how the Guardian puts it sir: ""In my eight years in office, I was able to manage poverty and achieved success while somebody for eight years managed affluence and achieved failure."

"Is that what Babangida is saying?"

"That is just the appetizer, Baba. He also said that…"



"Okay, ok, that's enough. If Babangida has decided, on becoming a septuagenarian, that he will be a fool, I think one should probably do what the Bible says in Proverbs Chapter 26, verse 4. It says don't answer a fool because you may also become like him. When you go to the same Proverbs chapter 26, verse 5, it says answer a fool so that he will not think he's a wise man. So, I am now torn between which of the two verses I should follow in this respect."

"Baba, what about Ese Ifa?"

"What did you say?"

"Sir, I mean, em…em… if the Bible is giving you contradicting verses, tossing you a little to the right and a little to the left, what about Ifa verses? There should be an Ifa verse that could guide you on how to respond to this Minna virus if the Bible confuses you instead of offering you a solution"

"O ma de tun ri yen so o. Your brain is not always useless. Ifa says an elder should never give his mark of superiority to an insolent child, you just show it to him. I will show that fool at seventy my mark of superiority."

"So, what do we do now, Baba?"

"Good question. Do we still have the secret files on Dele Giwa?"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on Gloria Okon?"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on Bongos Ikwue's love child with…"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on the secret cash bunker beneath his hilltop mansion in Minna?"

"Yes sir"

"And the files on the Ejigbo Hercules plane crash?"

"Yes sir. But…sir…"

"But what?

"Sir, those are all code red files?"

"And so"

"Well, when I got this job as your personal assistant, they told me during orientation that all the Generals who have ruled Nigeria possess code red files on one another and you all have a pact never to release those files to Nigerians no matter the degree of provocation. If you release the code red files you have on Babangida sir, do we know what code red files he has on you? Do you want to be the first of the Generals to ever cross that deadly line sir?"

"Ah, that's true. O tun ri yen so again. Alright, go and summon journalists to my Presidential library tomorrow. I will give a press conference there. Do we have enough cash in brown envelopes for them?"

"Yes, sir, but the journalists are always complaining that your brown envelopes are never brown enough"

"Did their fathers give me the money? My friend, go and do what I asked you to do!"



(Somewhere in Abuja…)

"Hello, hello, is that you, Reno?"

"Hello, yes this is Reno. Ah, Reuben, is that you?"

"You no know my voice again? I hope you and Trippi are enjoying the Federal Government's hospitality at the Presidential suite of that hotel?"

"My brother, we thank God o. We were just waiting for Oronto. Has he left the villa?"

"Yes, he will join you and Trippi soon at the hotel but there is a developing story. Have you read the papers today?"

"No, what's going on, Reuben?"

"Ah, Obj and IBB have been rolling in the gutter and I see an opportunity for us there."

"Really, how bad is it, Reuben?"

"Very bad, Reno. Get the papers."

"Fantastic! In that case, that would be a perfect diversion!"

"Precisely! My thoughts, exactly. That's why I called you. We should milk the situation to the maximum. It's not easy dealing with what people in my former constituency are now saying and writing about me."

"Reuben! Shebi me and Oronto don tell you make you no worry? You'll get used to it. You'll soon forget that that other world even exists"

"I hear you but we need to seize the opportunity of these Generals in the gutter"

"I agree with you. That could take Nigerians' attention away from tenure elongation, kerosene scarcity, Islamic banking, insecurity, unemployment, and the duplication of roles between the President's cabinet and his economic team."

"That's what I'm thinking. You have no idea how tough it is for me to release statements defending those things when I know what I would have written when…"

"Reuben, you are no longer allowed to think what you would have thought when you were outside. You are paid to think what we think! But I agree with you that these foolish Generals have provided a fantastic diversion for us."

"Yes, here is my plan. While we give the impression to the Nigerian people that the presidency is unhappy with the Generals' spat and that president Jonathan is working quietly behind the scenes with other eminent elder statesmen to resolve the issue, we can do other things underground to keep them tearing at each other for the next two weeks"

"Reuben! Brilliant! That is brilliant! You are already better at this job than Oronto and I combined! Why don't you work on your kinsman from Ogun? Oronto and I will work on the Minna General."

(A few minutes past midnight...)

"Hello, Baba, sorry I am calling this late sir"

"Who is this?"

"Emi omo yin ni sir"

"I know how many children I have"

"It's Reuben sir. From the presidency"

"Ah, Reuben! It's you. Omo daa daa. Are you calling on behalf of your boss?"

"No sir, I am calling in my private capacity sir. I just read what the Minna General has been saying about you. It's a collective insult on the Yoruba race sir and you must not allow him to get away with it. You must respond in full force sir. It's also another insult from the Muslim north. They treat our leaders in the Christian south with contempt."

"Reuben, you are a true omoluabi! Don't worry. Babangida is a small boy. By tomorrow you will see my hands."

"Em… Baba, you know that publicly the presidency will be making peace…"

"I understand…"

"Thank you sir. Baba, e ma gba o. You must deal decisively with IBB and…"

"Reuben, don't worry. Wa gbele gbo."eHeHH

Read full article
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Emj posted on 08-19-2011, 22:09:47 PM

You Be Tief, I No Be Tief


By Pius Adesanmi




Somewhere in the background, Fela croons:


(You be tief, I no be tief


You dey steal, I no dey steal


You be rogue, I no be rogue


You be robber, I no be robber


You be armu robber, I no be armu robber


Argument argument, argue, argument argument


Dem argue, argument argument


Argument about stealing…)


"Hey, you this boy, get me today's newspapers kia kia!"


"Ah, Baba, they are already on your breakfast table sir. All your regulars are there sir. The New York Times, The Washington Post, International Herald Tribune, The Times of Afghanistan, The Nepal Chronicle, The Toronto Star, The Times of Papua New Guinea, The…"


"My friend, I'm not interested in international newspapers today. Get me our own papers"


"Sir?"


"Are you deaf? Is your head correct at all? What is wrong with this boy today? Are you going to start counting my voice?"


"Sorry, Baba, but I don't understand"


"Mo ma daran o. You don't understand what? I say go and get me today's papers!"


"Like Tribune, Punch, Guardian, Vanguard, and ThisDay?"


"No. Like Toyota, Nissan, BMW, and Mercedes. Did you forget your brain in your room when you woke up today?"


"Em… em… Baba but those are Nigerian newspapers sir. You don't read local newspapers sir. Ever since you declared two years ago that Nigerian journalists and newspapers are worthless and that…"


"My friend, shut up and go and get me newspapers!"


"But, sir, all the vendors have run away from Otta since you declared war on local newspapers sir. And remember that you beat one vendor and nearly killed him for stealing two eggs from the poultry sir. So, it is not easy to get Nigerian newspapers around the farm here sir"


"You this foolish boy, I'm not going to continue this argument with you. If in 30 minutes I am not reading today's newspapers right here where I am seating, the ground on which you are standing will grow taller than you today. Iwo aso ni lenu omo buruku yi"


"Baba, I will try to get the papers."


"hm hm, don't try"


"Baba, you are in are in such a foul mood this morning sir. Abi it is Ayo Fayose again? Has he called you a father of bastards again? Abi it is Chief Bode George? Is he still refusing to do omoluabi and bring tibi to Ota?"


"Just go and get me the damned papers, my friend! If you must know, I just got a phone call that one idiot in Minna has developed diarrhea of the mouth and I want to confirm things. But I know that they are lying against him. Mo jeri e. He cannot say what they said he said about me"


"Okay, sir, let me run and get the papers sir"


"A ma dupe o! Finally, you have grown a brain. If it is true that that yeye man has abused me like people are telling me on the phone, I will make him understand that when you step on a viper, something that crawls on its chest will give you a fight. But I trust him sha. A barking dog knows the man from whose pocket came the money that bought it."


"Baba… Baba… Baba…. I've come back from town with the newspapers sir. Chei, Babangida has killed you sir. Mi o riru eleyi ri o. I've never seen anything like this before Baba. It's a combination of uppercuts and knockouts. Ayo Fayose was kese kese, this one is the real kasa kasa."


"Ogbeni, are you mad? Are you crazy? I may have to hire another personal assistant soon. Common, sit down and read the damned papers to me!"


"Sorry, sir, I got carried away. Em… em… here is how the Guardian puts it sir: ""In my eight years in office, I was able to manage poverty and achieved success while somebody for eight years managed affluence and achieved failure."


"Is that what Babangida is saying?"


"That is just the appetizer, Baba. He also said that…"


alt


"Okay, ok, that's enough. If Babangida has decided, on becoming a septuagenarian, that he will be a fool, I think one should probably do what the Bible says in Proverbs Chapter 26, verse 4. It says don't answer a fool because you may also become like him. When you go to the same Proverbs chapter 26, verse 5, it says answer a fool so that he will not think he's a wise man. So, I am now torn between which of the two verses I should follow in this respect."


"Baba, what about Ese Ifa?"


"What did you say?"


"Sir, I mean, em…em… if the Bible is giving you contradicting verses, tossing you a little to the right and a little to the left, what about Ifa verses? There should be an Ifa verse that could guide you on how to respond to this Minna virus if the Bible confuses you instead of offering you a solution"


"O ma de tun ri yen so o. Your brain is not always useless. Ifa says an elder should never give his mark of superiority to an insolent child, you just show it to him. I will show that fool at seventy my mark of superiority."


"So, what do we do now, Baba?"


"Good question. Do we still have the secret files on Dele Giwa?"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on Gloria Okon?"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on Bongos Ikwue's love child with…"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on the secret cash bunker beneath his hilltop mansion in Minna?"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on the Ejigbo Hercules plane crash?"


"Yes sir. But…sir…"


"But what?


"Sir, those are all code red files?"


"And so"


"Well, when I got this job as your personal assistant, they told me during orientation that all the Generals who have ruled Nigeria possess code red files on one another and you all have a pact never to release those files to Nigerians no matter the degree of provocation. If you release the code red files you have on Babangida sir, do we know what code red files he has on you? Do you want to be the first of the Generals to ever cross that deadly line sir?"


"Ah, that's true. O tun ri yen so again. Alright, go and summon journalists to my Presidential library tomorrow. I will give a press conference there. Do we have enough cash in brown envelopes for them?"


"Yes, sir, but the journalists are always complaining that your brown envelopes are never brown enough"


"Did their fathers give me the money? My friend, go and do what I asked you to do!"





(Somewhere in Abuja…)


"Hello, hello, is that you, Reno?"


"Hello, yes this is Reno. Ah, Reuben, is that you?"


"You no know my voice again? I hope you and Trippi are enjoying the Federal Government's hospitality at the Presidential suite of that hotel?"


"My brother, we thank God o. We were just waiting for Oronto. Has he left the villa?"


"Yes, he will join you and Trippi soon at the hotel but there is a developing story. Have you read the papers today?"


"No, what's going on, Reuben?"


"Ah, Obj and IBB have been rolling in the gutter and I see an opportunity for us there."


"Really, how bad is it, Reuben?"


"Very bad, Reno. Get the papers."


"Fantastic! In that case, that would be a perfect diversion!"


"Precisely! My thoughts, exactly. That's why I called you. We should milk the situation to the maximum. It's not easy dealing with what people in my former constituency are now saying and writing about me."


"Reuben! Shebi me and Oronto don tell you make you no worry? You'll get used to it. You'll soon forget that that other world even exists"


"I hear you but we need to seize the opportunity of these Generals in the gutter"


"I agree with you. That could take Nigerians' attention away from tenure elongation, kerosene scarcity, Islamic banking, insecurity, unemployment, and the duplication of roles between the President's cabinet and his economic team."


"That's what I'm thinking. You have no idea how tough it is for me to release statements defending those things when I know what I would have written when…"


"Reuben, you are no longer allowed to think what you would have thought when you were outside. You are paid to think what we think! But I agree with you that these foolish Generals have provided a fantastic diversion for us."


"Yes, here is my plan. While we give the impression to the Nigerian people that the presidency is unhappy with the Generals' spat and that president Jonathan is working quietly behind the scenes with other eminent elder statesmen to resolve the issue, we can do other things underground to keep them tearing at each other for the next two weeks"


"Reuben! Brilliant! That is brilliant! You are already better at this job than Oronto and I combined! Why don't you work on your kinsman from Ogun? Oronto and I will work on the Minna General."


(A few minutes past midnight...)


"Hello, Baba, sorry I am calling this late sir"


"Who is this?"


"Emi omo yin ni sir"


"I know how many children I have"


"It's Reuben sir. From the presidency"


"Ah, Reuben! It's you. Omo daa daa. Are you calling on behalf of your boss?"


"No sir, I am calling in my private capacity sir. I just read what the Minna General has been saying about you. It's a collective insult on the Yoruba race sir and you must not allow him to get away with it. You must respond in full force sir. It's also another insult from the Muslim north. They treat our leaders in the Christian south with contempt."


"Reuben, you are a true omoluabi! Don't worry. Babangida is a small boy. By tomorrow you will see my hands."


"Em… Baba, you know that publicly the presidency will be making peace…"


"I understand…"


"Thank you sir. Baba, e ma gba o. You must deal decisively with IBB and…"


"Reuben, don't worry. Wa gbele gbo."eHeHH



..Read the full article
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Purple posted on 08-19-2011, 22:09:47 PM

You Be Tief, I No Be Tief


By Pius Adesanmi




Somewhere in the background, Fela croons:


(You be tief, I no be tief


You dey steal, I no dey steal


You be rogue, I no be rogue


You be robber, I no be robber


You be armu robber, I no be armu robber


Argument argument, argue, argument argument


Dem argue, argument argument


Argument about stealing…)


"Hey, you this boy, get me today's newspapers kia kia!"


"Ah, Baba, they are already on your breakfast table sir. All your regulars are there sir. The New York Times, The Washington Post, International Herald Tribune, The Times of Afghanistan, The Nepal Chronicle, The Toronto Star, The Times of Papua New Guinea, The…"


"My friend, I'm not interested in international newspapers today. Get me our own papers"


"Sir?"


"Are you deaf? Is your head correct at all? What is wrong with this boy today? Are you going to start counting my voice?"


"Sorry, Baba, but I don't understand"


"Mo ma daran o. You don't understand what? I say go and get me today's papers!"


"Like Tribune, Punch, Guardian, Vanguard, and ThisDay?"


"No. Like Toyota, Nissan, BMW, and Mercedes. Did you forget your brain in your room when you woke up today?"


"Em… em… Baba but those are Nigerian newspapers sir. You don't read local newspapers sir. Ever since you declared two years ago that Nigerian journalists and newspapers are worthless and that…"


"My friend, shut up and go and get me newspapers!"


"But, sir, all the vendors have run away from Otta since you declared war on local newspapers sir. And remember that you beat one vendor and nearly killed him for stealing two eggs from the poultry sir. So, it is not easy to get Nigerian newspapers around the farm here sir"


"You this foolish boy, I'm not going to continue this argument with you. If in 30 minutes I am not reading today's newspapers right here where I am seating, the ground on which you are standing will grow taller than you today. Iwo aso ni lenu omo buruku yi"


"Baba, I will try to get the papers."


"hm hm, don't try"


"Baba, you are in are in such a foul mood this morning sir. Abi it is Ayo Fayose again? Has he called you a father of bastards again? Abi it is Chief Bode George? Is he still refusing to do omoluabi and bring tibi to Ota?"


"Just go and get me the damned papers, my friend! If you must know, I just got a phone call that one idiot in Minna has developed diarrhea of the mouth and I want to confirm things. But I know that they are lying against him. Mo jeri e. He cannot say what they said he said about me"


"Okay, sir, let me run and get the papers sir"


"A ma dupe o! Finally, you have grown a brain. If it is true that that yeye man has abused me like people are telling me on the phone, I will make him understand that when you step on a viper, something that crawls on its chest will give you a fight. But I trust him sha. A barking dog knows the man from whose pocket came the money that bought it."


"Baba… Baba… Baba…. I've come back from town with the newspapers sir. Chei, Babangida has killed you sir. Mi o riru eleyi ri o. I've never seen anything like this before Baba. It's a combination of uppercuts and knockouts. Ayo Fayose was kese kese, this one is the real kasa kasa."


"Ogbeni, are you mad? Are you crazy? I may have to hire another personal assistant soon. Common, sit down and read the damned papers to me!"


"Sorry, sir, I got carried away. Em… em… here is how the Guardian puts it sir: ""In my eight years in office, I was able to manage poverty and achieved success while somebody for eight years managed affluence and achieved failure."


"Is that what Babangida is saying?"


"That is just the appetizer, Baba. He also said that…"


alt


"Okay, ok, that's enough. If Babangida has decided, on becoming a septuagenarian, that he will be a fool, I think one should probably do what the Bible says in Proverbs Chapter 26, verse 4. It says don't answer a fool because you may also become like him. When you go to the same Proverbs chapter 26, verse 5, it says answer a fool so that he will not think he's a wise man. So, I am now torn between which of the two verses I should follow in this respect."


"Baba, what about Ese Ifa?"


"What did you say?"


"Sir, I mean, em…em… if the Bible is giving you contradicting verses, tossing you a little to the right and a little to the left, what about Ifa verses? There should be an Ifa verse that could guide you on how to respond to this Minna virus if the Bible confuses you instead of offering you a solution"


"O ma de tun ri yen so o. Your brain is not always useless. Ifa says an elder should never give his mark of superiority to an insolent child, you just show it to him. I will show that fool at seventy my mark of superiority."


"So, what do we do now, Baba?"


"Good question. Do we still have the secret files on Dele Giwa?"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on Gloria Okon?"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on Bongos Ikwue's love child with…"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on the secret cash bunker beneath his hilltop mansion in Minna?"


"Yes sir"


"And the files on the Ejigbo Hercules plane crash?"


"Yes sir. But…sir…"


"But what?


"Sir, those are all code red files?"


"And so"


"Well, when I got this job as your personal assistant, they told me during orientation that all the Generals who have ruled Nigeria possess code red files on one another and you all have a pact never to release those files to Nigerians no matter the degree of provocation. If you release the code red files you have on Babangida sir, do we know what code red files he has on you? Do you want to be the first of the Generals to ever cross that deadly line sir?"


"Ah, that's true. O tun ri yen so again. Alright, go and summon journalists to my Presidential library tomorrow. I will give a press conference there. Do we have enough cash in brown envelopes for them?"


"Yes, sir, but the journalists are always complaining that your brown envelopes are never brown enough"


"Did their fathers give me the money? My friend, go and do what I asked you to do!"





(Somewhere in Abuja…)


"Hello, hello, is that you, Reno?"


"Hello, yes this is Reno. Ah, Reuben, is that you?"


"You no know my voice again? I hope you and Trippi are enjoying the Federal Government's hospitality at the Presidential suite of that hotel?"


"My brother, we thank God o. We were just waiting for Oronto. Has he left the villa?"


"Yes, he will join you and Trippi soon at the hotel but there is a developing story. Have you read the papers today?"


"No, what's going on, Reuben?"


"Ah, Obj and IBB have been rolling in the gutter and I see an opportunity for us there."


"Really, how bad is it, Reuben?"


"Very bad, Reno. Get the papers."


"Fantastic! In that case, that would be a perfect diversion!"


"Precisely! My thoughts, exactly. That's why I called you. We should milk the situation to the maximum. It's not easy dealing with what people in my former constituency are now saying and writing about me."


"Reuben! Shebi me and Oronto don tell you make you no worry? You'll get used to it. You'll soon forget that that other world even exists"


"I hear you but we need to seize the opportunity of these Generals in the gutter"


"I agree with you. That could take Nigerians' attention away from tenure elongation, kerosene scarcity, Islamic banking, insecurity, unemployment, and the duplication of roles between the President's cabinet and his economic team."


"That's what I'm thinking. You have no idea how tough it is for me to release statements defending those things when I know what I would have written when…"


"Reuben, you are no longer allowed to think what you would have thought when you were outside. You are paid to think what we think! But I agree with you that these foolish Generals have provided a fantastic diversion for us."


"Yes, here is my plan. While we give the impression to the Nigerian people that the presidency is unhappy with the Generals' spat and that president Jonathan is working quietly behind the scenes with other eminent elder statesmen to resolve the issue, we can do other things underground to keep them tearing at each other for the next two weeks"


"Reuben! Brilliant! That is brilliant! You are already better at this job than Oronto and I combined! Why don't you work on your kinsman from Ogun? Oronto and I will work on the Minna General."


(A few minutes past midnight...)


"Hello, Baba, sorry I am calling this late sir"


"Who is this?"


"Emi omo yin ni sir"


"I know how many children I have"


"It's Reuben sir. From the presidency"


"Ah, Reuben! It's you. Omo daa daa. Are you calling on behalf of your boss?"


"No sir, I am calling in my private capacity sir. I just read what the Minna General has been saying about you. It's a collective insult on the Yoruba race sir and you must not allow him to get away with it. You must respond in full force sir. It's also another insult from the Muslim north. They treat our leaders in the Christian south with contempt."


"Reuben, you are a true omoluabi! Don't worry. Babangida is a small boy. By tomorrow you will see my hands."


"Em… Baba, you know that publicly the presidency will be making peace…"


"I understand…"


"Thank you sir. Baba, e ma gba o. You must deal decisively with IBB and…"


"Reuben, don't worry. Wa gbele gbo."eHeHH



..Read the full article
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
DeepThought posted on 08-19-2011, 22:56:09 PM
QUOTE:
It is an utter shame though that they are playing the fool in front of millions, adie fun fun ko mo ara e labga old person wey no care about hin status.


Shame ke? What utter shame? Are you serious at all at all? So you don't know that is God finally hearing the prayers of millions. This is surely the work of God and it is wonderful in our sight. He will drive them mad before finally destroying them. Aaaammeen!
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Shinycoin posted on 08-20-2011, 00:00:55 AM
Good write up Pius.. i loved the humour embedded in it but.

You sabi say this forum is open to everyone and there are as much people who neither speak nor understand the Yoruba language, beautiful as it may be, as there are who speak and understand it.

Abeg, for the purposes of people like me, myself and i, reduce the Yoruba content of future write ups... i had to struggle to understand some of the jokes.

But its a personal request o... i just do not speak or understand the Yoruba language and i know you're writing for everyone, not just the lucky people that speak and understand Yoruba.
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Igwe posted on 08-20-2011, 02:39:50 AM
HILARIOUS!

I dey laugh o!
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Prof penkelemess posted on 08-20-2011, 04:21:12 AM
I have to return to my

Yoruba class!!1

prof
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Jthelmsdeep posted on 08-20-2011, 05:50:37 AM
Absolutely brilliant!!! Like Shinycoin however, I'd request that, in future writings you append translations in paranthesis beside the Yoruba quotes. Loved the humor used to communicate such a ridiculously infantile feud between two beleaguered Nigerian rulers. Thanks for the comic relief!!!
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
Chi2 posted on 08-20-2011, 08:21:16 AM
If I were an ex-president of Nigeria, and another ex unleashes a verbal grenade on me, I will absorb it with stoic equanimity and remain cool. If he continues, I will phone him or send a messenger to alert him to the inherent danger of the kettle calling the pot black, and advice him to retrace his steps because both us have plenty of skeletons in our closets, and that those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

I will educate him that silence is golden in this regard instead of stirring the hornet's nest, or prying the lid off the Pandora box, an action that will alert the EFCC to some unknown crimes. They should therefore bury their hatchets and invoke that military esprit de corps that binds.
Re: You Be Tief, I No Be Tief
PatrickIroegbu posted on 08-20-2011, 10:07:22 AM
@Pius

Our missing Reuben is back in another brand of keyboard. That is you, Pius, here, in this piece. It is a master piece, a day making read. Hilarious! Keep it Up.

@Shinycoin
Yes there are several Yoruba expressions put in the dialogue. They are original to the discuss anyway. But as a scholar, it is important to note as observed by Shinycoin to consider that there are many none Yoruba speakers who read NVS. I am one of them. I agree with him to make it easier for readers to follow all the expressions in such a beautiful dialogue. Play writes might even need it in one way or another. Solution to the present comment is to keep the original Yoruba language expressions as I understand they help to deepen and inflate your story line. Yet it is essential to provide in bracket a literal translation of those Yoruba expressions for the benefit of none speakers of the language.

Like anthropologists and linguists do, they report statements or codes from informants in their local vernacular and at the same time offer a close translation to show the originality of the flow of thoughts, reflections, incidents and observations in the course of their study narratives and explorations.

What I do urge you not to withhold is your ability to write and express yourself with your ethnic language. But provide us with the related translation to help us follow the story or conversation. That way, we will feel, as the author and scholar, that you are not hiding anything or being afraid to say things as they are.

Write more of this kind of dialogue as Reuben stolen away from this column was good at doing to keep our body and mind going on.

As such, Shinycoin is right to point out the problem of using Yoruba can cause readers in line with what I have just expanded for your attention. Translate any local or foreign language that is not pure English in any English language chosen discussion.
PEI
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