How to seduce a Nigerian
By John Igoli (firstname.lastname@example.org)
It is not enough to conquer; one must learn to seduce
The Nigerian has no time to seduce you, he imposes himself on you. A Nigerian must be noticed as soon as he arrives or speaks. The Nigerian is such an expert in everything that he has nothing more to learn. The Nigerian reels off degrees, qualifications, affiliations, foreign travels and conference/workshop attendance to such an extent you are left wondering what more does he need? The Nigerian has all plans, ideas, potentials and track records of success or for achieving success. Yet the Nigerian is the most in need of help. This is the point our leaders have refused to understand. They behave as typical Nigerians and have no time to seduce the people. All they believe in is give the people promises or some people money and they will follow. This is why the Nigerian is easily seduced. The Nigerian just like an encyclopaedia always has room for one more entry thus he is always looking out for new friends, acquaintances, business and job opportunities or opportunities to speak.
Appearance matters a lot to the Nigerian so the first step in capturing his attention is to dress formally or completely with all the paraphernalia of clothing. A three piece suit complete with tie, cuff links and buttons or traditional wears fully garnished with wrist watch, rings, necklaces etc. If you can top up this with a big oversized car with air conditioner and music then you need not do anything else. Do also have four or more mobile phones, one for each network in Nigeria and spare SIM cards which you have to change or talk about from time to time. Ensure that you have at least one blackberry phone in your arsenal and always interrupt your conversation by answering very important calls. Laugh and smile a lot when answering such calls and let the Nigerian know how highly placed your caller was. If you can update your online status every minute or two or ‘ping’ continuously then you are his idol.
Next if you are going to offer the Nigerian a position, make sure it is prefixed with terms such as: special, chairman, chief, senior, permanent, executive, regional, foreign, sole or manager. So call your messenger a senior special adviser or assistant. There are so many titles for jobs in Nigeria. Just choose any high sounding or flattering one, it does not matter what salary you pay the Nigerian. It does not matter to a senior driver that there is no junior one below him! Similarly an executive secretary is not bothered that he has no executive powers.
Another way to win a Nigerian is to massage his ego. Know areas he has excelled in and praise him to high heavens. The Nigerian's ego includes his car, the schools he attended especially if abroad, his parents, if they are political leaders, his church or church leader if he is a pillar in the Church. Other assets include his wife, if they are recently married and his children if they are still very young. Also his titles, be they academic, honourary, traditional or religious. Do not omit any one he has. It is your job to know how to prioritise them or call them. Hence we can easily have chief professor ambassador honourable prefixing a name. Nigerians have introduced DIV (doctor in view!). Next time you meet a Nigerian tell him he is not just standing out, he is outstanding, he is not ordinary he is extraordinary, he is not just natural he is supernatural.
Another way is appearing helpless and depending on him for assistance. Since he has all the answers, the Nigerian easily takes up the role of deliverer of the helpless or defender of the cheated. Even though he will not deliver on his promises, make sure you believe him or appear to trust him. The Nigerian prefers to help others in situations where he needs help himself. He is the best adviser, always knowing somebody relevant in every office or someone who knows someone in that office. He has lots of uncles, aunties, brothers or sisters who are highly placed. He needs help but has no time to seek for it. He needs to learn but has no time to study. He needs to earn but has no time for work. He needs to be rich but has no time for investment in people or business.
However the true Nigerian is impressed by hard work, advancements and challenges. He never gives up in his quest to survive and surmount his obstacles. This is what the people of Edo state have proved with the resounding victory of their Governor elect. Comrade Adams Oshiomhole has completely seduced the people of the state. He may not have needed money to win their votes as he has already won their hearts. First he was not so welcome but now he is most welcome. This is a clear message to other leaders in Nigeria. An honest leadership coupled with selflessness will certainly earn you the people’s confidence and trust. Trying to seduce us with money, power, show of wealth and other vain activities may last for a while but when we have the chance to have a say it will be loud and clear; we were never deceived, we were just helpless and bidding our time.
As the Nigerian has been so short changed by leaders he now focuses on vanities such as religious inclinations, tribe or tongue, imaginary poverty or expected wealth rather than real issues. He will not work hard but would rather boast and drown others with the noise of his potentials, expectations and disappointments. He will always end with if they would allow us or allow me, I would have made it or we would have been a great nation. This is the message we inadvertently send out to the world or to would be patrons. If only our leaders know how to seduce us no Nigerian would be at home or abroad lamenting away his life or using the internet as a placebo while posting our boasts of imaginary comforts and achievements.