New villager here!

[Dimaanu]

watchin the ongoings with silent interest.

Hi, Mr. Unum (MD. CEO):

Gud evini Sah!
We happy well well to see ya leg for VTT.
Silent interest, ke?....Abegy speak ya mind.
Btw, are you hiring Youth Corpers?
We are looking for where to send Anwulika for Youth service, before she is considered for the DLA position.

Dimaanu
SExA to the Chairperson

[anwulika]

watchin the ongoings with silent interest.

Greetings E Pluribus Unum...

All I hear now is psssssssst pssssssst (whispering) among the elders. DLA/Witchdokita candidate don become sacrificial goat??

---------- Post added at 01:28 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:21 AM ----------

Hi, Mr. Unum (MD. CEO):

Gud evini Sah!
We happy well well to see ya leg for VTT.
Silent interest, ke?....Abegy speak ya mind.
Btw, are you hiring Youth Corpers?
We are looking for where to send Anwulika for Youth service, before she is considered for the DLA position.

Dimaanu
SExA to the Chairperson

N- Now
Y- Your
S- Suffering
C- Continues

Ah...your highness...whyyyyyyyyyyy! I never suffer reach!?! Abi I no pass second exam?

[Dimaanu]

Hi Anwulika:

Without further ado, we will proceed to the final stage of your Visa Interview process.
You have exhibited a very high level of decorum, maturity and excellent interpersonal skill.
Notwithstanding, we have had Visa applicants, who, having scaled through all hurdles, used their own hand to pour sand-sand inside their bowl of garri at this crucial stage.
Therefore, I will advise you to shine your eyes well-well and shun all forces of distraction as you approach this final checkpoint.

As is customary, you are required to open your trunk/boot for a random Stop and Search by our specially-trained JCCAMB/VTT officials.
Just so you know, you must have all the necessary documentation, otherwise known as "Partykolas" before your file is forwarded for consideration. No Partykolas = No Visa!

To make life easier for you, and for us too. We have put together a list of the required partykolas.
Please do not be like some JCCs who, after we clearly told them to buy bottles of Dom Perignon, went and bought ogogoro from the roadside sellers. Our seasoned elders know the difference. Even if their eyesight are failing, trust me, their taste-buds are sharp.

Anyway, a word is enough for the wise:


Here is the list:

(1) Twelve baskets of GENUINE Igboid kola nuts (oji Igbo)

(2) Twelve baskets of Arewaesque kola nuts (goro/gworo).

(3) One tiny teaspoon (5ml. max) of superbly chilled, pasteurized kunu (without this, you file remains open)

(4) 10 x 50 litres jerry-cans of palmie (pasteurized palm wine powerless).

(5) Isi ewu (with 2 eyes, 1 tongue, and 2 ears per goat head)

(6) Unlimited suyarized and tenderized beef and pork barbeque (for all Villagers and JJCs).

(7) Roasted cocoyam to serve 50 seasoned elders (maximum).

(8) Nigerian omelet.. (for 50 seasoned elders only.)

(9) 2 crates of Hennessey XO champagne brandy (For His Excellency, Oga Big-K.

(10) 20 crates of Dom Perignon (for 13 very seasoned, kunu-allergic elders).

(11) 100 strings of Jigida beads for the women

(12) 50 tins of Saturday Night powder

(13) 20 wraps of Eko (for the toothless elders)

(14) Spicy goatmeat peppersoup

(15) 50 crates of Crush & Mirinda Orange

(16) 100 cartons of Guiness Odeku

(17) 50 cartons of Malta Guiness

(18) 15 bowls of freshly ground Lahli (African tatoo)---reserved for Chairperson, Board of Trustees (JJCAMB)

(19) 150 miniature jars of Tiro (African eyeliner)---reserved for the Chairperson, Board of Trustees(JJCAMB)

(20) 2 drums x 250 litres of high octane triple-distilled GENUINE 100 degrees proof Ogogoro.

(21) Highly pepperized fresh fish pepper soup to serve all Villagers, JJCs, and their guests, including gatecrashers present.

(22) 50 plates of Salade Du Nigeriana (i.e. Ugba + okporoko, garnished with uziza/uda puree) for placating the hard-liners and hawks of the Elders' Forum.

(23) Unlimited supply of bitter kola, alligator pepper, and garden egg.

(24) 50 Coolers of Steaming hot Ajinomotoless jollof rice.

(25) 10 x 100 litres jerry-cans of superbly chilled, pasteurized kunu.

(26) 20 coolers of plantain pottage

(27) 25 foil pans of pepperized snail (exclusively reserved for the women)

(28) One dozen, full sheet, Birthday cake (fondant icing)

(29) 500 Goodie bags

(30) 25 sackloads of killishi

(31) 25 sackloads of kulinkuli

(32) 150 tubers of yam

(33) 50 bales of Okporoko (stockfish)

(34) 50 tins of Ovaltine - big size

(35) 30 Big Umbrellas (For the Nursing mothers)

(36) 80 Heads of tobacco with potash

(37) 10 air conditioned, bullet-proof Mobile Ambulances (For the Village elders that are too weak to walk to the Casino, Bar & Discotheque.)

(38) One Gulf Jet Stream aircraft (For Daddy Big-K and his inner caucus Council of elders)

(39) A brand new, state-of-the-art Salon and Spa ( For the exclusive use of the Chairperson, JJCAMB)

(40) 50 Walkie-Talkies (For the Department of Village Homeland Security)

(41) 80 bags of cement (Towards the construction of an Inter-Denominational edifice...for the promotion of religious tolerance in the Square)

(42) 100 Heart-shaped Milk Chocolate bars ( For showcase and all the bobos/geges of Relationship Avenue)

***Simply make sure that this lists included in your next post. Dat's all.
You will hear from the Welcomer-In-Chief in due course.

Goodluck!


Dimaanu
SExA to the Chairperson (JJCAMB)

[anwulika]

Heeeeey!! Dis list na die!! Night don resh so na night market I must go to buy all dis tins...hope say dem get every tin wey dey list even di aeroplane, Saloon and bullet proof ambulance. Una bye bye...make I hurry go come...

---------- Post added at 02:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:50 AM ----------

Una doooo! I don bring egunje...I mean partykolas come. E no easy but I bring EVRITIN wey dey list. Check am make you see:


1) Twelve baskets of GENUINE Igboid kola nuts (oji Igbo)

(2) Twelve baskets of Arewaesque kola nuts (goro/gworo).

(3) One tiny teaspoon (5ml. max) of superbly chilled, pasteurized kunu (without this, you file remains open)

(4) 10 x 50 litres jerry-cans of palmie (pasteurized palm wine powerless).

(5) Isi ewu (with 2 eyes, 1 tongue, and 2 ears per goat head)

(6) Unlimited suyarized and tenderized beef and pork barbeque (for all Villagers and JJCs).

(7) Roasted cocoyam to serve 50 seasoned elders (maximum).

(8) Nigerian omelet.. (for 50 seasoned elders only.)

(9) 2 crates of Hennessey XO champagne brandy (For His Excellency, Oga Big-K.

(10) 20 crates of Dom Perignon (for 13 very seasoned, kunu-allergic elders).

(11) 100 strings of Jigida beads for the women...I test all the beads myself. Dem dey jigi jigi well well!

(12) 50 tins of Saturday Night powder

(13) 20 wraps of Eko (for the toothless elders)

(14) Spicy goatmeat peppersoup

(15) 50 crates of Crush & Mirinda Orange

(16) 100 cartons of Guiness Odeku

(17) 50 cartons of Malta Guiness

(18) 15 bowls of freshly ground Lahli (African tatoo)---reserved for Chairperson, Board of Trustees (JJCAMB)

(19) 150 miniature jars of Tiro (African eyeliner)---reserved for the Chairperson, Board of Trustees(JJCAMB)

(20) 2 drums x 250 litres of high octane triple-distilled GENUINE 100 degrees proof Ogogoro.

(21) Highly pepperized fresh fish pepper soup to serve all Villagers, JJCs, and their guests, including gatecrashers present.

(22) 50 plates of Salade Du Nigeriana (i.e. Ugba + okporoko, garnished with uziza/uda puree) for placating the hard-liners and hawks of the Elders' Forum.

(23) Unlimited supply of bitter kola, alligator pepper, and garden egg.

(24) 50 Coolers of Steaming hot Ajinomotoless jollof rice...Ajinomoto? Tufia! Me I dey use Knoor. Very delicious!

(25) 10 x 100 litres jerry-cans of superbly chilled, pasteurized kunu.

(26) 20 coolers of plantain pottage

(27) 25 foil pans of pepperized snail (exclusively reserved for the women)

(28) One dozen, full sheet, Birthday cake (fondant icing)...Dis one I enter plane go abroad bring am...Na di same jet I bring come for una.

(29) 500 Goodie bags

(30) 25 sackloads of killishi

(31) 25 sackloads of kulinkuli

(32) 150 tubers of yam

(33) 50 bales of Okporoko (stockfish)

(34) 50 tins of Ovaltine - big size

(35) 30 Big Umbrellas (For the Nursing mothers)

(36) 80 Heads of tobacco with potash

(37) 10 air conditioned, bullet-proof Mobile Ambulances (For the Village elders that are too weak to walk to the Casino, Bar & Discotheque.)

(38) One Gulf Jet Stream aircraft (For Daddy Big-K and his inner caucus Council of elders)

(39) A brand new, state-of-the-art Salon and Spa ( For the exclusive use of the Chairperson, JJCAMB)

(40) 50 Walkie-Talkies (For the Department of Village Homeland Security)

(41) 80 bags of cement (Towards the construction of an Inter-Denominational edifice...for the promotion of religious tolerance in the Square)

(42) 100 Heart-shaped Milk Chocolate bars ( For showcase and all the bobos/geges of Relationship Avenue)

I wan tank una for una time. I hope say una verdit go make my belle sweet!

[First-lady]

Let me see if this Anwuli will get visa so easily like that
Things are moving very fast here o
na so dem dey give visa nowadays?
O di kwa egwu!!

[Abraxas]

Hi, HRM High Queen (Ms.) Lolo-Igwe Dimaanu (SExA; GCOS)!

When trouble sleep, nyanga go wake am, na wetin 'e dey find: palava, 'e dey find; palava, 'e go get ....

I t'ink yoo been take ya own mouth warn am well-well about putting sand-sand inside 'ihm own garri? .... 'e no hear. No do, no do, 'e start dey use that "E" word, "egunje"! Holy Moses!! Abomi-gini? .... Abomination! IMPOSSI- wetin? ..... IMPOSSICANT!!!!

I beg, tell ya PA make 'e run, quick-quick, go meet de Director General, Village Homeland Security, tell am sey 'e be like sey dis Ms. Anwulika (JJC) of an immigrant senior babe, 'e want start to dey do undue radicalism, no be small t'ing!

Jo, tell am sey make 'e tell dem Village Homeland Security oga sey, Madam Chair sey make 'e carry de JJC BACK to de darkroom wey get coloured 3-D close body scanning & imaging digitizers, SEARCH de JJC well-well, with 'ihm own hand, study de inner topological contours of de applicant 'ihm Bakassi, plus including 'ihm bobby bag, if absolutely necessary, in the interest of the peace, unity, territorial integrity, and progress of our dearly beloved Village (wey no get (ar)rival!!)

Dem must to do am either "hands-up-general-searching" or "horizontal spread eagle", and search am gan-gan for cont-ira-ban-di, as per Due Process Procedure Manual, and the rule of law for dis awa peaceful Village of origin, of no regrets (at all-at all)!

So dia4, Your Royal Majestic SExA, I beg, I take Igwe 'ihm magnificent staff of office, dat 'ihm ogbonge royal mace, beg yoo, make yuu take style gba bureki (brake) small for de JJC, make we clear 'ihm partykolas come go put for the Partykolas MegaWarehouse of de Village Elders' Forum (Bar, Casino & Discotheque), first.

Dis awa Village High Commission work sef, na waya! Man kukuma no dey sleep again nowadays (because of Village WikiLeaks). No vex: helep me axe Sister Mine, Rt. Hon. Countess (Ms.) EMJ (GCVS; Chair person, JJCAMB; Sisi Montreal) sey 'e be like sey we must to INCREASE de partykolas list before year finish.

I t'ink yoo know sey, dis awa current partykolas wey we dey collect (for inspection) na only US$50,000. De t'ing no do, sam-sam, with the prevailing outrageously high cost of jigida, pepperized snails, or common kunu, not to talk of ogogoro, or Dom Perignon. I sure sey 'e go approve. Axe am, biko, for de sake of our shildrens, and dem shildrens yet unborn.

Even sef, paa~paa, yuu don hear any better 'tory recently? Rumour say, dem say sey dem cash Son of De Delta (SODD) with US$5.55 million as 'e want enter de lobby of de VTT. Him tell HomeLand Security pipul dem sey na His Excellency, Oga Pata-pata Big-K (GCOS;GCVS; GCE), give am de money make 'e take give de Board of Trustees (JJCAMB) as transport for de week!

Osalobuan! Jah-Jehovah Chineke !!Allah! Olorun! I swear to shege!!

Your Majesty Ma, 'e be like sey we go see again, sha .... I dey come: {yuu hear?}

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)
Welcomer-in-Chief & Member of The Cabal (Katsina Chapter)

[Iye]

Let me see if this Anwuli will get visa so easily like that
Things are moving very fast here o
na so dem dey give visa nowadays?
O di kwa egwu!!

Cool down for Santa my sister, you see ba�..it has been Wikileaked that this JJC�s Dad is the owner of Shell International, by extension the owner of Nigeria�.So, therefore, enough ego to deliver all the partykola in a day.
Come closer, so you can share in the bounty!

[anwulika]

I t'ink yoo been take ya own mouth warn am well-well about putting sand-sand inside 'ihm own garri? .... 'e no hear. No do, no do, 'e start dey use that "E" word, "egunje"! Holy Moses!! Abomi-gini? .... Abomination! IMPOSSI- wetin? ..... IMPOSSICANT!!!!

Abeg Oga Abrax...na slip of mouth...

Jo, tell am sey make 'e tell dem Village Homeland Security oga sey, Madam Chair sey make 'e carry de JJC BACK to de darkroom wey get coloured 3-D close body scanning & imaging digitizers, SEARCH de JJC well-well, with 'ihm own hand, study de inner topological contours of de applicant 'ihm Bakassi, plus including 'ihm bobby bag, if absolutely necessary, in the interest of the peace, unity, territorial integrity, and progress of our dearly beloved Village (wey no get (ar)rival!!)

Dem must to do am either "hands-up-general-searching" or "horizontal spread eagle", and search am gan-gan for cont-ira-ban-di, as per Due Process Procedure Manual, and the rule of law for dis awa peaceful Village of origin,

Ah!! (standing up with hands in the air legs at ease) search me officer!! Abeg, una fit send 3 security officas?? I no know say this kin awuff dey dis village!! TANK YOOOO

So dia4, Your Royal Majestic SExA, I beg, I take Igwe 'ihm magnificent staff of office, dat 'ihm ogbonge royal mace, beg yoo, make yuu take style gba bureki (brake) small for de JJC, make we clear 'ihm partykolas come go put for the Partykolas MegaWarehouse of de Village Elders' Forum (Bar, Casino & Discotheque), first.

I dey confuse for dis one oh!! I don clear abi una wan park me for inside warehouse??

Dis awa Village High Commission work sef, na waya! Man kukuma no dey sleep again nowadays (because of Village WikiLeaks). No vex: helep me axe Sister Mine, Rt. Hon. Countess (Ms.) EMJ (GCVS; Chair person, JJCAMB; Sisi Montreal) sey 'e be like sey we must to INCREASE de partykolas list before year finish.

Make I pass first before una increase "partykolas" requirement noooooooowwwww abeg!

Even sef, paa~paa, yuu don hear any better 'tory recently? Rumour say, dem say sey dem cash Son of De Delta (SODD) with US$5.55 million as 'e want enter de lobby of de VTT. Him tell HomeLand Security pipul dem sey na His Excellency, Oga Pata-pata Big-K (GCOS;GCVS; GCE), give am de money make 'e take give de Board of Trustees (JJCAMB) as transport for de week!

I no know any ting about transport monii...As the person na "he" e come mean say no be my matter and if una ask me I go plead 5th amendment.

Cool down for Santa my sister, you see ba�..it has been Wikileaked that this JJC�s Dad is the owner of Shell International, by extension the owner of Nigeria�.So, therefore, enough ego to deliver all the partykola in a day.
Come closer, so you can share in the bounty!

Ahh...Sista IYE! Monii don finis tay taaay!! Dadi don retire siiince and dem no dey "shake im hand" as dem dey do before...Na im make me chop Anioma777 moni dat time (but I don repent ooooo!)

Una eye strong oooh! Abeg now...make I comot from dis JJC status com dey apprentice for DLA noooww??

[First-lady]

Hi, HRM High Queen (Ms.) Lolo-Igwe Dimaanu (SExA; GCOS)!

When trouble sleep, nyanga go wake am, na wetin 'e dey find: palava, 'e dey find; palava, 'e go get ....

I t'ink yoo been take ya own mouth warn am well-well about putting sand-sand inside 'ihm own garri? .... 'e no hear. No do, no do, 'e start dey use that "E" word, "egunje"! Holy Moses!! Abomi-gini? .... Abomination! IMPOSSI- wetin? ..... IMPOSSICANT!!!!

I beg, tell ya PA make 'e run, quick-quick, go meet de Director General, Village Homeland Security, tell am sey 'e be like sey dis Ms. Anwulika (JJC) of an immigrant senior babe, 'e want start to dey do undue radicalism, no be small t'ing!

Jo, tell am sey make 'e tell dem Village Homeland Security oga sey, Madam Chair sey make 'e carry de JJC BACK to de darkroom wey get coloured 3-D close body scanning & imaging digitizers, SEARCH de JJC well-well, with 'ihm own hand, study de inner topological contours of de applicant 'ihm Bakassi, plus including 'ihm bobby bag, if absolutely necessary, in the interest of the peace, unity, territorial integrity, and progress of our dearly beloved Village (wey no get (ar)rival!!)

Dem must to do am either "hands-up-general-searching" or "horizontal spread eagle", and search am gan-gan for cont-ira-ban-di, as per Due Process Procedure Manual, and the rule of law for dis awa peaceful Village of origin, of no regrets (at all-at all)!

So dia4, Your Royal Majestic SExA, I beg, I take Igwe 'ihm magnificent staff of office, dat 'ihm ogbonge royal mace, beg yoo, make yuu take style gba bureki (brake) small for de JJC, make we clear 'ihm partykolas come go put for the Partykolas MegaWarehouse of de Village Elders' Forum (Bar, Casino & Discotheque), first.

Dis awa Village High Commission work sef, na waya! Man kukuma no dey sleep again nowadays (because of Village WikiLeaks). No vex: helep me axe Sister Mine, Rt. Hon. Countess (Ms.) EMJ (GCVS; Chair person, JJCAMB; Sisi Montreal) sey 'e be like sey we must to INCREASE de partykolas list before year finish.

I t'ink yoo know sey, dis awa current partykolas wey we dey collect (for inspection) na only US$50,000. De t'ing no do, sam-sam, with the prevailing outrageously high cost of jigida, pepperized snails, or common kunu, not to talk of ogogoro, or Dom Perignon. I sure sey 'e go approve. Axe am, biko, for de sake of our shildrens, and dem shildrens yet unborn.

Even sef, paa~paa, yuu don hear any better 'tory recently? Rumour say, dem say sey dem cash Son of De Delta (SODD) with US$5.55 million as 'e want enter de lobby of de VTT. Him tell HomeLand Security pipul dem sey na His Excellency, Oga Pata-pata Big-K (GCOS;GCVS; GCE), give am de money make 'e take give de Board of Trustees (JJCAMB) as transport for de week!

Osalobuan! Jah-Jehovah Chineke !!Allah! Olorun! I swear to shege!!

Your Majesty Ma, 'e be like sey we go see again, sha .... I dey come: {yuu hear?}

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)
Welcomer-in-Chief & Member of The Cabal (Katsina Chapter)

Thank you for bearing me wickedness, sorry I meant to say witness.
I may not be an immigration officer but I certainly know when things are looking one kain kain and I tenk God that you the high commissioner are no man that any girl can just shake her bakassi at and you will throw away decorum and won't follow due process again just because the bum bum is tantalizing.
Biko give me hand for not allowing yourself to be bamboozled in any way,shape or form.
Let us take things slow
Use onyokometer like you mentioned to survey and peruse this candidate wellu wellu,I say use every arsenal at your disposal,sir.
Even sef have you people seen her writing materials??
Is she using imported papers or local?
Is her fountain pen made in Nigeria or made in diaspora ?
The ink nko?
I say let us follow due process hia o
All hands must be on deck,as all the stakeholders perform their assigned tasks.
I know I am just an ordinary citizen but I just couldn't holl maself when I saw some movements that I didn't understand
And as a Christian I said mba (no),I must say sometin o

---------- Post added at 05:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:46 PM ----------

Cool down for Santa my sister, you see ba�..it has been Wikileaked that this JJC�s Dad is the owner of Shell International, by extension the owner of Nigeria�.So, therefore, enough ego to deliver all the partykola in a day.
Come closer, so you can share in the bounty!

Eziokwu!!
are you serious?
Then in that case I cancel whatever I said earlier,tufia,please I was overtaken
Why did I let my mouth jump infront of my thinking faculty with Christmas arand the korner
I say make the girl get the visa please
Infact we have wasted her time sef.
It should have been yesterday.
*Firstlady breaks out into powerful praise and worship,raising her hands in the air like she just don't care*

[Dimaanu]

[/COLOR]Una doooo! I don bring egunje...I mean partykolas come. E no easy but I bring EVRITIN wey dey list. Check am make you see:

(28) One dozen, full sheet, Birthday cake (fondant icing)...Dis one I enter plane go abroad bring am...Na di same jet I bring come for una.

(38) One Gulf Jet Stream aircraft (For Daddy Big-K and his inner caucus Council of elders)


I wan tank una for una time. I hope say una verdit go make my belle sweet!

Hi Anwulika,

I actually came to VTT today to carry your file go put for Oga's table. Na how you manage bring the forbidden word "egunje" for inside this equation?
No be only dat, you take your own mouth confess say na "tokunbo" jet you bring come for His Excellency. Na how you carry the plane run errand finish, come dey tender am as part of your partykolas?....Mba nu!

Anyway, as you don repent, come beg Oga Abraxas say na slip of mouth, Oga said to tell you that you are forgiven.
Shine your eye well-well bicos to be four-one is to be four-army.

Thank you for not wasting our time. We promise to not waste yours. Opari!

So, to bring this whole process to its logical conclusion, I will adivse that you present a brand new Gulf Jet Stream aircraft (For Daddy Big-K and his inner caucus Council of elders)
Also, to further appease our Oga, Don Abraxas, you are hereby fined a total of twelve (12) baskets of roasted crickets, the elders' favorite snack.

See you later.

Dimaanu
SExA

[Igboamaeze]

-----

[H]e no [H]easy oo...

[anwulika]

Hi Anwulika,

So, to bring this whole process to its logical conclusion, I will adivse that you present a brand new Gulf Jet Stream aircraft (For Daddy Big-K and his inner caucus Council of elders)
Also, to further appease our Oga, Don Abraxas, you are hereby fined a total of twelve (12) baskets of roasted crickets, the elders' favorite snack.

Dimaanu...I dey greet you ooo...Hia! That Jet wey I bring come na brand new top of di line...I come say make I test am make I make sure say e dey drive proper...at de same time, I come say make I use am go di message for cake. OK oooo, I don bring anoda wan come. Dis one person never drive am at all! Na tow we tow am come direct from factory. Nylon still dey...

I don bring di twelve (12) baskets of roasted crickets also. Na me roast am myself. E dey very dilicious. Everytin don complete now...abi? Shikena!

[Iye]

Dimaanu...I dey greet you ooo...Hia! That Jet wey I bring come na brand new top of di line...I come say make I test am make I make sure say e dey drive proper...at de same time, I come say make I use am go di message for cake. OK oooo, I don bring anoda wan come. Dis one person never drive am at all! Na tow we tow am come direct from factory. Nylon still dey...

I don bring di twelve (12) baskets of roasted crickets also. Na me roast am myself. E dey very dilicious. Everytin don complete now...abi? Shikena!

Nylon still dey ke!...na bread?

Na tear leather dem dey call am�all these oyinbo shildren sef

[Abraxas]

Hi, PA (SExA)/CVRIO, Ms. Iye!

Nylon still dey ke!...na bread?

Na tear leather dem dey call am�all these oyinbo shildren sef

No mind am. ... World done spoil finish: For olden days, na bullion van na 'ihm wey we been dey take carry bread; na for lylon na 'ihm wey de shildrens of nowadays, wey be de leaders of next tomorrow, dey use to take carry bread!

True-true, cuntiri (country) hard, no be small.

Muchas gracias, mi hermana.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)
Ambassador Plenipotentiary & Senior Fellow of the Kitchen Cabinet

[anwulika]

Nylon still dey ke!...na bread?

Na tear leather dem dey call am�all these oyinbo shildren sef

Una sorry oooo...I forget to look the village of plenty awuff-approved dikshonary of broken inglish (Oga Abrax you notice say I say broken, not pidgin inglish. I don go read history)

Correction noted... Tear leather still dey.

Una jus dey laugh me dey chop "partykolas" as I dey stand for inside hot sun dey wait for visa approval...abeg nowwww!

[Dimaanu]

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)
Retired Welcomer-in-Chief of all NVS-compliant JJCs
Director of Propaganda & Enlightenment (D.O.P.E.), Aso Rock Villa Annex.
The Grand Khalif of Sakkwato Khalifate
Penthouse Annex B
JJC Admission Matters Bureau
Village Twin Towers
Nigeria Village Square
Cyberspace



December 13, 2010


Dear Oga,



Final Visa Approval Request
Ref: Ms. Anwulika (JJC)


It is my utmost pleasure to present the above-named JJC.

By her exemplary interpersonal skill, wit, levelheadedness, wisdom, positive outlook and, above all, an effortless ego minimization, Ms. Anwulika has shown the stuff "gentul ladies" are made of.

Having met and exceeded every aspect of Due Process, Ms. Anwulika is hereby cleared to approach the elevator to the Penthouse suite.
I recommend that you, please, approve her request for the one and only Genuine Temporary Transit Visa of our beloved Village of No Regret.

As directed by the Chairperson (JJCAMB), Countess Emj, I ask that you do not forget to remember to decorate her passport with some never-before-heard original story-stories.

Thank you, Oga!


Dimaanu
SExA to the Chairperson (Bot) JJCAMB

[anwulika]

Dimaanu...Nwanyi Oma and all! I tank una for the endorsement and compliment o!! Una try well well for me. Na for dis village I wan settle, born plenti pikins dem. I don already find the hut wey I go dey stay dey raise my childrens dem...

2 drums x 250 litres of high octane triple-distilled GENUINE 100 degrees proof Ogogoro.

I hear say na only Oga Abrax drink half of de Ogogoro. Him still dey recover from di jollification?

[Abraxas]

The Village High Commission

500th Floor, The Village Twin Tower Complex, The Square NV1SQ, Cyberspace.

Official Website: http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com

Reference: VTT/VHC/JJCAMB/SE.10.80.Cap 80/22.Vol.4Q./7640118/.APPDX/MMX(VIII)

Date: Wednesday, 15 December2010.


Hi, Ms. Anwulika!

You are very welcome to the Penthouse!!

Congratulations!

After due consultations with His Excellency, Oga Big-K, at his555th floor Penthouse, over 549 bottles of Dom Perignon (Methuselah vintage), and 1,270 bottles of extra-criminally cold extra-large odeku, sequel to deep deliberations with the Chairperson of the JJC Admission Matters Bureau (JJCAMB), Rt. Hon. Countess (Ms.) Madame (De Madame) EMJ, in Toronto, on my way to Dubai, to discuss the modalities for repatriating monies looted from the Nigerian treasury in the era of extreme iboricity, and odilioid governance in Nigeria, in my capacity as ambassador plenipotentiary, and sole administrator of all manner of supergroovalistic ultra-fujirized owambedelic multi-media whatnotisms, in strict compliance with due process, and the rule of law, the Board of Trustees of the JJC Admission Matters Bureau (JJCAMB) has approved six (6) nuclear GBOZAs to you for VOLUNTARILY and effortlessly minimizing your ego, conducting yourself very well, and finally successfully completing your visa interview.

I am writing to say that the time limit and conditionalities attached to your entering our Village of origin have been removed. An appropriate endorsement has been placed on your passport, which is enclosed.

You are now free to remain permanently in our very beloved Village of origin. You do not require any permission from anybody, to take or change employment in the Village Twin Towers Complex or any other Village Virtual Community for that matter. You may engage in any activity, provided you comply with the constitution of our dearly beloved Village of no regret.

Finally, by the powers conferred upon me, on behalf of all Villagers and JJCs, I do hereby cordially, and very wholeheartedly, welcome you on board the Nigerian Village Square, the flagship of Nigeria in cyberspace, as a fully authenticated citizen of this Village.

We all look forward to your active participation in the Square, as you now leave the Village Twin Towers (VTT) Complex. We also expect that you show some level-headedness, objectivity, consistency, maturity, and good interpersonal skills in your interactions with others, whenever YOU are on the Square.

Once more, welcome on board the Nigerian Village Square, the default watering hole of the Nigerian cyber-glitterati, worldwide.

TEMPORARY TRANSIT VISA APPROVED.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III).
Ambassador Plenipotentiary & Village High Commissioner Emeritus
a.k.a.. His Eminence, Sheikh Sadiqq d�Fuqxk; GCVS
The Grand Khalif of Sakkwato Khalifate, Sultan of Darfur & Emir of Dubai
Retired Welcomer-in-Chief of all NVS-compliant JJCs and repentant visa-less Villagers on earth, in Heaven, and beyond.
Life President, Village Elders� Forum (Bar, Casino & Discotheque)
Director of Propaganda & Enlightenment (D.O.P.E.), Aso Rock Villa Annex.

cc: Director of i-Pad & Laptop Operations, Office of His Excellency (The Penthouse)
cc: CEO & Chairperson, Board of Trustees, JJC Admission Matters Bureau (500th Floor)
cc: Senior Executive Adviser (SExA) to the CEO, JJCAMB, (500th Floor).
cc: Director, Village Homeland Security. (250th Floor)
cc: Chief of Staff (COS), Due Process Office, (450th Floor)
cc: Chief of Staff (COS), to the SExA, (450th Floor)
cc: Chief Visa Review & Interrogation Officer, CVRIO, (368th Floor)
cc: Database Administrator, DA. (Basement Level 30)
cc: Trainee Visa Review Officer (X-ray, Biometrics & Close Body Pre-inspection), TVRO. (497th Floor)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX 1:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel according to Saint Matthew Oloriburuku Oni'ranu Oloshi Olusegun Okikiolakan Aremu Igbochukwu Obasanjo (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, in ancient Eko Megacity, a distraught young woman decided to throw herself into the Lagos Lagoon.

Down at the Apapa naval dock yard, a handsome young navy recruit noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:

"Hey baby girl, don't cry. You�ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a fresh new start in your life. Incidentally, I�m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can help you stow away on my ship. I�ll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added:

"I�ll keep you happy, and you�ll keep me happy, {shey yoo get?}"

She agreed, and the young sailor brought her aboard the ship that night, and hid her in a lifeboat.

Every night, he brought her three highly burantashirized suyas, some roasted groundnuts, and a bunch of bananas, and then, they made earthquake-inducing, and earth-shatteringly passionate love until daybreak. Every night!!! .... (no be small t'ing)!

... Time passes. ......Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the ship�s captain.

"What are you doing here?" asked dismissed former Rear Admiral Arogundade.

"Sir, I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"He�s taking me to Europe, and he�s screwing me, Sir."

"He sure is, young lady," said the captain.

"This is the Apapa-Marina-Taqua Bay ferry."

That is the end of my first story for today.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX 2:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel according to Saint (Accountant) Judas Iscariot (Member of the Kitchen Cabinet of the ancient Kingdom of Judea).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, long before the days of Prince Henry the Navigator, Mungo Park, and Lord (Colonel) Fredrick Lugard, all the CEOs of the leading breweries in ancient Nigeria decided to go out for a beer (or two), after the annual Nigerian National Beer Drinking Carnival (NNBDC).

The guy from Star sat down, and said,

�Hey Mr. Man, I would like the world�s best beer, a Star.�

The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf, and gave it to him.

The guy from Gulder said,

�I�d like the best beer in the world, give me �The King of Beers,� a Gulder.�

The bartender gave him one.

The guy from Rock Beer said,

�I�d like the only beer made with Rocky Jos Plateau spring water, give me a Rock, ojare.� He got it.

The guy from Guinness sat down and said,

�Give me a glass of pure water.�

The bartender was taken aback, but gave him what he ordered.

One of the other brewery chief executives looked over at him, and asked,

�Why aren�t you drinking an odeku?�

The Guinness CEO replied,

�Well, I figured: if you guys aren�t drinking GENUINE beer, neither would I.�

That is the end of my second story for today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPENDIX 3:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Sacred Book of Heavenly Lies according to Evangelist (General) Ibrahim Gbadamosi (Maradona, The Evil Spirit) Babangida (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, in ancient Port Harcourt (Garden City), a bootlicious woman and her sugar daddy went sailing in a luxury yacht, in the Gulf of Guinea, and ended up getting stranded on a deserted island, deep in the Atlantic Ocean, for over 20 years. One day, the lady found a bottle on the beach, and a genie came out of the bottle.

"I will grant each of you ONLY ONE wish", said the Arabian fairy, (as usual).

The young lady immediately wished to go back home, to the Garden City, .... and poof! .... she was gone.

The matured sugar daddy thought for a minute, then said to the genie,

�You know what? I�m going to miss her. Can you bring him back?�

That is the end of my third story for today.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX 4:
Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to the General Sani Abacha (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!)

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, approximately 30 minutes after creation, the father of all humanity, Elder Comrade Adam found himself sitting in the Garden of Eden, bored stiff out of his mind. He didn�t have anything to do, and was trying to figure out how to remedy this problem. And so, he decided to ask Good God Almighty.

"Lord God, I�m bored stiff out of my tiny mind! I need a companion urgently�, he pleaded on his knees.

"Ok, I�ve got the perfect thing in mind; it�s called woman�, the Lord God replied.

�What�s that?� asked Adam.

"Woman is the perfect companion. She cooks, she cleans, she�s a great listener, she doesn�t nag, she tells great dirty jokes, she�s beautiful, and to top it off, she�s fantastic in bed�, God said.

�That sounds great, but what�s it going to cost me?� asked Adam.

"An arm and a leg�, said Jehovah, the Almighty Lord God of Hosts.

�Crap! Alright, what can I get for a rib?� asked Baba Adam.

That is the end of my fourth story for today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
APPENDIX 5:
Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to the 14 years old settler wife of Senator (Alhaji) Sani Yerima, Little Miss Amudinjo Otuocha.

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!)

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, one Sunday, after the early morning service at the inter-denominational ecumenical centre in ancient Sokoto Caliphate, the local vicar announced that he would move on to a bigger parish with a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There was total silence within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave because he was very popular.

Otunba Peteru Fayose (JP), who owned several tokunbo car dealerships in Ikeja, Yaba, Surulere, Ebute Metta, Shomolu, Moshalashi, South Africa, and Ghana, stood up, and proclaimed:

"If the vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar XSL series saloon every year, and his wife and children with a Hummer 3 SUV!"

The congregation sighed in deep appreciation and, applauded

Samson Okoronkwo, the immediate past Ezendigbo of San Francisco, now a successful entrepreneur, and vehicle spare parts magnate in Sokoto, stood up and announced:

"If the vicar will remain in our parish, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school and university education for his children!"

More sighs and louder applause.

Dame Patience Boyloaf, age 88, stood up, and announced with a smile:

"If the vicar stays, I pledge to give him red hot sex, daily, for the rest of my life."

There was total silence.

The preacher, highly embarrassed, asked her:

"Dame Patience Boyloaf, you're a wonderful very holy Christian Mother, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Understandably, General Boyloaf (retired), the 90-year old husband of Dame Patience, was thoroughly upset, and was trying hard to hide his shame, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, as his wife replied:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, *Fukck him!*"

Muchas gracias.

That is the end of my fifth story for today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPENDIX 6:

Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to Turaki Atiku Abiku Akukabar, the Consensus President of Ancient Northern Nigeria.


Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):



And so, it came to pass that, after having dug to a depth of 100 feet, some British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 2,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1,500 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Washington Post:



"American archaeologists, finding traces of 2,500-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 500 years BEFORE the British".



One week later, the Desert Times of Gombe, reported the following:



"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his backyard in Gwagwalada Native Authority, Elder Mallam Dan Bura Gwobe (I), a self-taught sharia-compliant Christian archaeologist, reported that he saw absolutely nothing at all. Mallam Dan Bura Gwobe has therefore concluded that 3,000 years ago, Gwagwalada had already gone wireless.



Just makes you bloody proud to be from technology-rich Gwagwalada, the Land of Mango Trees !


That is the end of my sixth and final story for today.



Muchas gracias.


Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

VHC

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[anwulika]

LOL...The one and only Oga Abrax...you are too muuuuuush! These your stories...na wa ooooo!

I jus happi when I see visa stamp...Dimaanu, EMJ, First Lady, IYE, Valteena, Lala K, Anioma 777, Igboamaeze, Netotse, Denker I tank Uhaul!

Oga Big K...I salute you sir!

Admin...No worry, I no dey find trouble...I get cool mind. I no go give una reason to give me yellow card!

[Big-K]

Congrats Anwulika on a seamless legal entry into the village - and thanks for enabling some rib-crackers from Abraxas.

I'm inclined to say you're the JJC of the year, but riot fit break out.

One thing I know, Everyone who has The DON's seal of approval have turned out to be MODEL VILLAGERS. No doubt you wont be an exception.

Welcome.

[Lalakokofefe]

Na for dis village I wan settle, born plenti pikins dem. I don already find the hut wey I go dey stay dey raise my childrens dem...

Anwuli my dia,

You are welcome, so gbo? But sha, you for no tell dem about awa plans, odawise, dem go begin jealosi us oooo.

LKF

[anwulika]

Lala K Hunny,

Even if I no tell, dem no see piksho as we resemble? Dem go know alredi noooowwww. See as we fit! Na so so Blackie we go just dey born!

[anwulika]

The Village High Commission

500th Floor, The Village Twin Tower Complex, The Square NV1SQ, Cyberspace.

Official Website: http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com

Reference: VTT/VHC/JJCAMB/SE.10.80.Cap 80/22.Vol.4Q./7640118/.APPDX/MMX(VIII)

Date: Wednesday, 15 December2010.


Hi, Ms. Anwulika!

You are very welcome to the Penthouse!!

Congratulations!

After due consultations with His Excellency, Oga Big-K, at his555th floor Penthouse, over 549 bottles of Dom Perignon (Methuselah vintage), and 1,270 bottles of extra-criminally cold extra-large odeku, sequel to deep deliberations with the Chairperson of the JJC Admission Matters Bureau (JJCAMB), Rt. Hon. Countess (Ms.) Madame (De Madame) EMJ, in Toronto, on my way to Dubai, to discuss the modalities for repatriating monies looted from the Nigerian treasury in the era of extreme iboricity, and odilioid governance in Nigeria, in my capacity as ambassador plenipotentiary, and sole administrator of all manner of supergroovalistic ultra-fujirized owambedelic multi-media whatnotisms, in strict compliance with due process, and the rule of law, the Board of Trustees of the JJC Admission Matters Bureau (JJCAMB) has approved six (6) nuclear GBOZAs to you for VOLUNTARILY and effortlessly minimizing your ego, conducting yourself very well, and finally successfully completing your visa interview.

I am writing to say that the time limit and conditionalities attached to your entering our Village of origin have been removed. An appropriate endorsement has been placed on your passport, which is enclosed.

You are now free to remain permanently in our very beloved Village of origin. You do not require any permission from anybody, to take or change employment in the Village Twin Towers Complex or any other Village Virtual Community for that matter. You may engage in any activity, provided you comply with the constitution of our dearly beloved Village of no regret.

Finally, by the powers conferred upon me, on behalf of all Villagers and JJCs, I do hereby cordially, and very wholeheartedly, welcome you on board the Nigerian Village Square, the flagship of Nigeria in cyberspace, as a fully authenticated citizen of this Village.

We all look forward to your active participation in the Square, as you now leave the Village Twin Towers (VTT) Complex. We also expect that you show some level-headedness, objectivity, consistency, maturity, and good interpersonal skills in your interactions with others, whenever YOU are on the Square.

Once more, welcome on board the Nigerian Village Square, the default watering hole of the Nigerian cyber-glitterati, worldwide.

TEMPORARY TRANSIT VISA APPROVED.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III).
Ambassador Plenipotentiary & Village High Commissioner Emeritus
a.k.a.. His Eminence, Sheikh Sadiqq d�Fuqxk; GCVS
The Grand Khalif of Sakkwato Khalifate, Sultan of Darfur & Emir of Dubai
Retired Welcomer-in-Chief of all NVS-compliant JJCs and repentant visa-less Villagers on earth, in Heaven, and beyond.
Life President, Village Elders� Forum (Bar, Casino & Discotheque)
Director of Propaganda & Enlightenment (D.O.P.E.), Aso Rock Villa Annex.

cc: Director of i-Pad & Laptop Operations, Office of His Excellency (The Penthouse)
cc: CEO & Chairperson, Board of Trustees, JJC Admission Matters Bureau (500th Floor)
cc: Senior Executive Adviser (SExA) to the CEO, JJCAMB, (500th Floor).
cc: Director, Village Homeland Security. (250th Floor)
cc: Chief of Staff (COS), Due Process Office, (450th Floor)
cc: Chief of Staff (COS), to the SExA, (450th Floor)
cc: Chief Visa Review & Interrogation Officer, CVRIO, (368th Floor)
cc: Database Administrator, DA. (Basement Level 30)
cc: Trainee Visa Review Officer (X-ray, Biometrics & Close Body Pre-inspection), TVRO. (497th Floor)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX 1:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel according to Saint Matthew Oloriburuku Oni'ranu Oloshi Olusegun Okikiolakan Aremu Igbochukwu Obasanjo (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, in ancient Eko Megacity, a distraught young woman decided to throw herself into the Lagos Lagoon.

Down at the Apapa naval dock yard, a handsome young navy recruit noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:

"Hey baby girl, don't cry. You�ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a fresh new start in your life. Incidentally, I�m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can help you stow away on my ship. I�ll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added:

"I�ll keep you happy, and you�ll keep me happy, {shey yoo get?}"

She agreed, and the young sailor brought her aboard the ship that night, and hid her in a lifeboat.

Every night, he brought her three highly burantashirized suyas, some roasted groundnuts, and a bunch of bananas, and then, they made earthquake-inducing, and earth-shatteringly passionate love until daybreak. Every night!!! .... (no be small t'ing)!

... Time passes. ......Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the ship�s captain.

"What are you doing here?" asked dismissed former Rear Admiral Arogundade.

"Sir, I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"He�s taking me to Europe, and he�s screwing me, Sir."

"He sure is, young lady," said the captain.

"This is the Apapa-Marina-Taqua Bay ferry."

That is the end of my first story for today.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX 2:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel according to Saint (Accountant) Judas Iscariot (Member of the Kitchen Cabinet of the ancient Kingdom of Judea).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, long before the days of Prince Henry the Navigator, Mungo Park, and Lord (Colonel) Fredrick Lugard, all the CEOs of the leading breweries in ancient Nigeria decided to go out for a beer (or two), after the annual Nigerian National Beer Drinking Carnival (NNBDC).

The guy from Star sat down, and said,

�Hey Mr. Man, I would like the world�s best beer, a Star.�

The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf, and gave it to him.

The guy from Gulder said,

�I�d like the best beer in the world, give me �The King of Beers,� a Gulder.�

The bartender gave him one.

The guy from Rock Beer said,

�I�d like the only beer made with Rocky Jos Plateau spring water, give me a Rock, ojare.� He got it.

The guy from Guinness sat down and said,

�Give me a glass of pure water.�

The bartender was taken aback, but gave him what he ordered.

One of the other brewery chief executives looked over at him, and asked,

�Why aren�t you drinking an odeku?�

The Guinness CEO replied,

�Well, I figured: if you guys aren�t drinking GENUINE beer, neither would I.�

That is the end of my second story for today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPENDIX 3:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Sacred Book of Heavenly Lies according to Evangelist (General) Ibrahim Gbadamosi (Maradona, The Evil Spirit) Babangida (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, in ancient Port Harcourt (Garden City), a bootlicious woman and her sugar daddy went sailing in a luxury yacht, in the Gulf of Guinea, and ended up getting stranded on a deserted island, deep in the Atlantic Ocean, for over 20 years. One day, the lady found a bottle on the beach, and a genie came out of the bottle.

"I will grant each of you ONLY ONE wish", said the Arabian fairy, (as usual).

The young lady immediately wished to go back home, to the Garden City, .... and poof! .... she was gone.

The matured sugar daddy thought for a minute, then said to the genie,

�You know what? I�m going to miss her. Can you bring him back?�

That is the end of my third story for today.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPENDIX 4:
Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to the General Sani Abacha (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!)

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, approximately 30 minutes after creation, the father of all humanity, Elder Comrade Adam found himself sitting in the Garden of Eden, bored stiff out of his mind. He didn�t have anything to do, and was trying to figure out how to remedy this problem. And so, he decided to ask Good God Almighty.

"Lord God, I�m bored stiff out of my tiny mind! I need a companion urgently�, he pleaded on his knees.

"Ok, I�ve got the perfect thing in mind; it�s called woman�, the Lord God replied.

�What�s that?� asked Adam.

"Woman is the perfect companion. She cooks, she cleans, she�s a great listener, she doesn�t nag, she tells great dirty jokes, she�s beautiful, and to top it off, she�s fantastic in bed�, God said.

�That sounds great, but what�s it going to cost me?� asked Adam.

"An arm and a leg�, said Jehovah, the Almighty Lord God of Hosts.

�Crap! Alright, what can I get for a rib?� asked Baba Adam.

That is the end of my fourth story for today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
APPENDIX 5:
Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to the 14 years old settler wife of Senator (Alhaji) Sani Yerima, Little Miss Amudinjo Otuocha.

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!)

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, one Sunday, after the early morning service at the inter-denominational ecumenical centre in ancient Sokoto Caliphate, the local vicar announced that he would move on to a bigger parish with a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There was total silence within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave because he was very popular.

Otunba Peteru Fayose (JP), who owned several tokunbo car dealerships in Ikeja, Yaba, Surulere, Ebute Metta, Shomolu, Moshalashi, South Africa, and Ghana, stood up, and proclaimed:

"If the vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar XSL series saloon every year, and his wife and children with a Hummer 3 SUV!"

The congregation sighed in deep appreciation and, applauded

Samson Okoronkwo, the immediate past Ezendigbo of San Francisco, now a successful entrepreneur, and vehicle spare parts magnate in Sokoto, stood up and announced:

"If the vicar will remain in our parish, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school and university education for his children!"

More sighs and louder applause.

Dame Patience Boyloaf, age 88, stood up, and announced with a smile:

"If the vicar stays, I pledge to give him red hot sex, daily, for the rest of my life."

There was total silence.

The preacher, highly embarrassed, asked her:

"Dame Patience Boyloaf, you're a wonderful very holy Christian Mother, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Understandably, General Boyloaf (retired), the 90-year old husband of Dame Patience, was thoroughly upset, and was trying hard to hide his shame, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, as his wife replied:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, *Fukck him!*"

Muchas gracias.

That is the end of my fifth story for today.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPENDIX 6:

Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to Turaki Atiku Abiku Akukabar, the Consensus President of Ancient Northern Nigeria.


Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):



And so, it came to pass that, after having dug to a depth of 100 feet, some British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 2,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1,500 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Washington Post:



"American archaeologists, finding traces of 2,500-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 500 years BEFORE the British".



One week later, the Desert Times of Gombe, reported the following:



"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his backyard in Gwagwalada Native Authority, Elder Mallam Dan Bura Gwobe (I), a self-taught sharia-compliant Christian archaeologist, reported that he saw absolutely nothing at all. Mallam Dan Bura Gwobe has therefore concluded that 3,000 years ago, Gwagwalada had already gone wireless.



Just makes you bloody proud to be from technology-rich Gwagwalada, the Land of Mango Trees !


That is the end of my sixth and final story for today.



Muchas gracias.


Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

VHC

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello all!

Hi,

It is me again. Just wanted to say I have been enjoying my stay so far but I just wanna know...is it not time I get one of these:

DIPLOMATIC PASSPORT WITH MULTIPLE RE-ENTRY VISA
APPROVED

Lala happens to have one and by virtue of the fact that I am the "lika" in "Lalalika" I have to have one too please.

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.

Muchas Gracias

[Auspicious]

-

Wow.

What a lively entry @ Anwulika!

Infact, jolosi wan begin dey worry me sef.

Abi why we sef nor enjoi dis kain arrival/welcome for Village? Ahn?

Oh lemme guess: we are as old as the hills around here - NVS barely existed when we arrived?

Still, where was I when all of una full-ground for dis side? I bet you, village brawler that we are, we was prolly in the middle of another infamous barroom brawl somewhere in the Village with one of our favorite enemies dem - or, we were too scared to welcome any other villagers cuz the last newbie we met and brought home turned out to be a babe with a dick. *(Crosses Heart, rubs palms with pleading eyes looking to the skies, from whence our help cometh)*

Aaaanywho, some interesting entry. But I wish to submit, Ladies and Gentlemen, that a hold be placed on Anwulika's application for a permanent entry visa. Okay, maybe not a hold per se, but a proper vetting be done to certify that 1]. she has been of good comport since her debut in this our "Village of No Regret", 2]. she has notable contribution to the advancement of the interest of this our "Village of No Regret", 3]. her background check reveals she's NOT Tessy Wigwe.

Ordinarily, the least period between the issuance of a temporary visa and a permanent entry visa is 12 months. Unfortunately, Ms Awulika has only been around here for (how long?) about 7 months so far. There may be something doable about that sha, if she can see me later. She should come prepared too; materially and, you know...? - aaanyway, what 'we' are saying is, in every situation, there's always a solution. So long we are committed doing whatever's necessary.

My Name is Auspicious by Name.

http://youtu.be/BN8fy_arBtY
No embeds in intro section?
--

[bob]

The Village High Commission

500th Floor, The Village Twin Tower Complex, The Square NV1SQ, Cyberspace.

Official Website: http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com

Reference: VTT/VHC/JJCAMB/SE.10.80.Cap 80/22.Vol.4Q./7640118/.APPDX/MMX(VIII)

Date: Wednesday, 15 December2010.


Hi, Ms. Anwulika!

You are very welcome to the Penthouse!!

Congratulations!

After due consultations with His Excellency, Oga Big-K, at his555th floor Penthouse, over 549 bottles of Dom Perignon (Methuselah vintage), and 1,270 bottles of extra-criminally cold extra-large odeku, sequel to deep deliberations with the Chairperson of the JJC Admission Matters Bureau (JJCAMB), Rt. Hon. Countess (Ms.) Madame (De Madame) EMJ, in Toronto, on my way to Dubai, to discuss the modalities for repatriating monies looted from the Nigerian treasury in the era of extreme iboricity, and odilioid governance in Nigeria, in my capacity as ambassador plenipotentiary, and sole administrator of all manner of supergroovalistic ultra-fujirized owambedelic multi-media whatnotisms, in strict compliance with due process, and the rule of law, the Board of Trustees of the JJC Admission Matters Bureau (JJCAMB) has approved six (6) nuclear GBOZAs to you for VOLUNTARILY and effortlessly minimizing your ego, conducting yourself very well, and finally successfully completing your visa interview.

I am writing to say that the time limit and conditionalities attached to your entering our Village of origin have been removed. An appropriate endorsement has been placed on your passport, which is enclosed.

You are now free to remain permanently in our very beloved Village of origin. You do not require any permission from anybody, to take or change employment in the Village Twin Towers Complex or any other Village Virtual Community for that matter. You may engage in any activity, provided you comply with the constitution of our dearly beloved Village of no regret.

Finally, by the powers conferred upon me, on behalf of all Villagers and JJCs, I do hereby cordially, and very wholeheartedly, welcome you on board the Nigerian Village Square, the flagship of Nigeria in cyberspace, as a fully authenticated citizen of this Village.

We all look forward to your active participation in the Square, as you now leave the Village Twin Towers (VTT) Complex. We also expect that you show some level-headedness, objectivity, consistency, maturity, and good interpersonal skills in your interactions with others, whenever YOU are on the Square.

Once more, welcome on board the Nigerian Village Square, the default watering hole of the Nigerian cyber-glitterati, worldwide.

TEMPORARY TRANSIT VISA APPROVED.

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III).
Ambassador Plenipotentiary & Village High Commissioner Emeritus
a.k.a.. His Eminence, Sheikh Sadiqq d�Fuqxk; GCVS
The Grand Khalif of Sakkwato Khalifate, Sultan of Darfur & Emir of Dubai
Retired Welcomer-in-Chief of all NVS-compliant JJCs and repentant visa-less Villagers on earth, in Heaven, and beyond.
Life President, Village Elders� Forum (Bar, Casino & Discotheque)
Director of Propaganda & Enlightenment (D.O.P.E.), Aso Rock Villa Annex.

cc: Director of i-Pad & Laptop Operations, Office of His Excellency (The Penthouse)
cc: CEO & Chairperson, Board of Trustees, JJC Admission Matters Bureau (500th Floor)
cc: Senior Executive Adviser (SExA) to the CEO, JJCAMB, (500th Floor).
cc: Director, Village Homeland Security. (250th Floor)
cc: Chief of Staff (COS), Due Process Office, (450th Floor)
cc: Chief of Staff (COS), to the SExA, (450th Floor)
cc: Chief Visa Review & Interrogation Officer, CVRIO, (368th Floor)
cc: Database Administrator, DA. (Basement Level 30)
cc: Trainee Visa Review Officer (X-ray, Biometrics & Close Body Pre-inspection), TVRO. (497th Floor)
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APPENDIX 1:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel according to Saint Matthew Oloriburuku Oni'ranu Oloshi Olusegun Okikiolakan Aremu Igbochukwu Obasanjo (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, in ancient Eko Megacity, a distraught young woman decided to throw herself into the Lagos Lagoon.

Down at the Apapa naval dock yard, a handsome young navy recruit noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:

"Hey baby girl, don't cry. You�ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a fresh new start in your life. Incidentally, I�m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can help you stow away on my ship. I�ll take good care of you, and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added:

"I�ll keep you happy, and you�ll keep me happy, {shey yoo get?}"

She agreed, and the young sailor brought her aboard the ship that night, and hid her in a lifeboat.

Every night, he brought her three highly burantashirized suyas, some roasted groundnuts, and a bunch of bananas, and then, they made earthquake-inducing, and earth-shatteringly passionate love until daybreak. Every night!!! .... (no be small t'ing)!

... Time passes. ......Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the ship�s captain.

"What are you doing here?" asked dismissed former Rear Admiral Arogundade.

"Sir, I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"He�s taking me to Europe, and he�s screwing me, Sir."

"He sure is, young lady," said the captain.

"This is the Apapa-Marina-Taqua Bay ferry."

That is the end of my first story for today.
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APPENDIX 2:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel according to Saint (Accountant) Judas Iscariot (Member of the Kitchen Cabinet of the ancient Kingdom of Judea).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, long before the days of Prince Henry the Navigator, Mungo Park, and Lord (Colonel) Fredrick Lugard, all the CEOs of the leading breweries in ancient Nigeria decided to go out for a beer (or two), after the annual Nigerian National Beer Drinking Carnival (NNBDC).

The guy from Star sat down, and said,

�Hey Mr. Man, I would like the world�s best beer, a Star.�

The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf, and gave it to him.

The guy from Gulder said,

�I�d like the best beer in the world, give me �The King of Beers,� a Gulder.�

The bartender gave him one.

The guy from Rock Beer said,

�I�d like the only beer made with Rocky Jos Plateau spring water, give me a Rock, ojare.� He got it.

The guy from Guinness sat down and said,

�Give me a glass of pure water.�

The bartender was taken aback, but gave him what he ordered.

One of the other brewery chief executives looked over at him, and asked,

�Why aren�t you drinking an odeku?�

The Guinness CEO replied,

�Well, I figured: if you guys aren�t drinking GENUINE beer, neither would I.�

That is the end of my second story for today.

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APPENDIX 3:
Revised Standard Version (RSV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Sacred Book of Heavenly Lies according to Evangelist (General) Ibrahim Gbadamosi (Maradona, The Evil Spirit) Babangida (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, in ancient Port Harcourt (Garden City), a bootlicious woman and her sugar daddy went sailing in a luxury yacht, in the Gulf of Guinea, and ended up getting stranded on a deserted island, deep in the Atlantic Ocean, for over 20 years. One day, the lady found a bottle on the beach, and a genie came out of the bottle.

"I will grant each of you ONLY ONE wish", said the Arabian fairy, (as usual).

The young lady immediately wished to go back home, to the Garden City, .... and poof! .... she was gone.

The matured sugar daddy thought for a minute, then said to the genie,

�You know what? I�m going to miss her. Can you bring him back?�

That is the end of my third story for today.
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APPENDIX 4:
Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to the General Sani Abacha (GCFR).

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!)

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, approximately 30 minutes after creation, the father of all humanity, Elder Comrade Adam found himself sitting in the Garden of Eden, bored stiff out of his mind. He didn�t have anything to do, and was trying to figure out how to remedy this problem. And so, he decided to ask Good God Almighty.

"Lord God, I�m bored stiff out of my tiny mind! I need a companion urgently�, he pleaded on his knees.

"Ok, I�ve got the perfect thing in mind; it�s called woman�, the Lord God replied.

�What�s that?� asked Adam.

"Woman is the perfect companion. She cooks, she cleans, she�s a great listener, she doesn�t nag, she tells great dirty jokes, she�s beautiful, and to top it off, she�s fantastic in bed�, God said.

�That sounds great, but what�s it going to cost me?� asked Adam.

"An arm and a leg�, said Jehovah, the Almighty Lord God of Hosts.

�Crap! Alright, what can I get for a rib?� asked Baba Adam.

That is the end of my fourth story for today.

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APPENDIX 5:
Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to the 14 years old settler wife of Senator (Alhaji) Sani Yerima, Little Miss Amudinjo Otuocha.

Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!)

And so, it came to pass that, in the good old olden days, one Sunday, after the early morning service at the inter-denominational ecumenical centre in ancient Sokoto Caliphate, the local vicar announced that he would move on to a bigger parish with a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There was total silence within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave because he was very popular.

Otunba Peteru Fayose (JP), who owned several tokunbo car dealerships in Ikeja, Yaba, Surulere, Ebute Metta, Shomolu, Moshalashi, South Africa, and Ghana, stood up, and proclaimed:

"If the vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar XSL series saloon every year, and his wife and children with a Hummer 3 SUV!"

The congregation sighed in deep appreciation and, applauded

Samson Okoronkwo, the immediate past Ezendigbo of San Francisco, now a successful entrepreneur, and vehicle spare parts magnate in Sokoto, stood up and announced:

"If the vicar will remain in our parish, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school and university education for his children!"

More sighs and louder applause.

Dame Patience Boyloaf, age 88, stood up, and announced with a smile:

"If the vicar stays, I pledge to give him red hot sex, daily, for the rest of my life."

There was total silence.

The preacher, highly embarrassed, asked her:

"Dame Patience Boyloaf, you're a wonderful very holy Christian Mother, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Understandably, General Boyloaf (retired), the 90-year old husband of Dame Patience, was thoroughly upset, and was trying hard to hide his shame, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, as his wife replied:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, *Fukck him!*"

Muchas gracias.

That is the end of my fifth story for today.

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APPENDIX 6:

Revised Angelic Verses (RAV) translated from Original Brokin Edition (OBE) of the Gospel According to Turaki Atiku Abiku Akukabar, the Consensus President of Ancient Northern Nigeria.


Story, story, (story). Once upon a time, (time, time!):



And so, it came to pass that, after having dug to a depth of 100 feet, some British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 2,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1,500 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Washington Post:



"American archaeologists, finding traces of 2,500-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 500 years BEFORE the British".



One week later, the Desert Times of Gombe, reported the following:



"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his backyard in Gwagwalada Native Authority, Elder Mallam Dan Bura Gwobe (I), a self-taught sharia-compliant Christian archaeologist, reported that he saw absolutely nothing at all. Mallam Dan Bura Gwobe has therefore concluded that 3,000 years ago, Gwagwalada had already gone wireless.



Just makes you bloody proud to be from technology-rich Gwagwalada, the Land of Mango Trees !


That is the end of my sixth and final story for today.



Muchas gracias.


Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

VHC

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eeeeeeh heeee! (snapping his fingers and walking away)
wonders shall never end.
6 storey storey for one jjc?
is it the egunje
or did the high commissioner throw away decorum cos a bakkassi was shaken at his face?
eku joo metaa! (nothing i no go see!)


anyways,
anwulika. welcome and congrats (belated)

[anwulika]

-

...Aaaanywho, some interesting entry. But I wish to submit, Ladies and Gentlemen, that a hold be placed on Anwulika's application for a permanent entry visa. Okay, maybe not a hold per se, but a proper vetting be done to certify that


1]. she has been of good comport since her debut in this our "Village of No Regret"

Auspy, why do you want to pour san san for my yellow garri? Hen...? You for just leave matter like dat just endorse/become guarantor for my document application. Now you wan open can of worms for here

I must warn una that some bad belle people with propaganda full grand o JIC una wan investigate reach dat side but my consolation (and I hope it will be part of your consideration too) be say even Jesus get henemies

2]. she has notable contribution to the advancement of the interest of this our "Village of No Regret"

Ahhh....na im be say I don pass be dat now! Just check out any threads on carnal knowledge. I full grand for there! Very notable contribution, I must add. Ask NVS villagers spouses..

3]. her background check reveals she's NOT Tessy Wigwe.

There is no way I can be Tessy and I am not Tessy-like either. The village is my alibi. I was here, in this very village of no domestic abuse when her husband was giving her contour for head (alleged) in Kenya.

Ordinarily, the least period between the issuance of a temporary visa and a permanent entry visa is 12 months. Unfortunately, Ms Awulika has only been around here for (how long?) about 7 months so far. There may be something doable about that sha, if she can see me later. She should come prepared too; materially and, you know...? - aaanyway, what 'we' are saying is, in every situation, there's always a solution. So long we are committed doing whatever's necessary.

My Name is Auspicious by Name.

Ha! Another 5 months! I cannot wait ooo...but my track record should speak for itself and show that I should have been offered the diplomatic passport tay tay.

How about application on behalf of village spouse as per Lala? I guarantee you our love is for real and this is not arrangee arrangee!

If all else fails see you at Sofitel, Auspy

[anwulika]

eeeeeeh heeee! (snapping his fingers and walking away)
wonders shall never end.
6 storey storey for one jjc?
is it the egunje
or did the high commissioner throw away decorum cos a bakkassi was shaken at his face?
eku joo metaa! (nothing i no go see!)


anyways,
anwulika. welcome and congrats (belated)

Some wise woman once said "use what you gat to get what you want."
Why have "assets" if you cannot use it as currency...if needed?
My attack and defense was put into use in this matter. Ain't no denying it.
When you are in war zone, you don't have to be speaking big grammar.
Ask Oga Abrax

Thanks for the welcome Bob!(...after I don born 5 pikins for you finish)

[Auspicious]

If all else fails see you at Sofitel, Auspy

You are even more of a naughty genius than I thought you were.

May I advice, though, that if you want your vetting process to go hitch-free, you avoid 'too much contact' or 'associations' with certain very dark-skinned people in orange jump-suits with shrek-like faces around here.

It doesn't worth it for such to appear on your resume/CV.

Let me also add that a Sofitel rendezvous doesn't have to be a last resort; it could be, instead, a master-key to all the doors you want open. (You don't have to take my word for it; you just have to experience it.)

We might also have to do something about that 'yellow-garri' situation. You see, yellow-garri is not as 'charp' as Ijebu-garri, which has a lot more 'character' than the former.

When you soak Ijebu-gaari for water and put epa (g-nuts) inside it, with or without sucre-rafine, you feel it in the mberi-mberi of your core - it sends shivers down your spine because of its 'charpness'. (Gaari Ijebi charp gaani!)And if you use it to make eba, khai, di tin almost rezembu poundy for testure of hand and mouth.

Anyway, per di-main, di-main reason of dis our discussion, ah nor forsee no-any serious problem like dat for ya visa application dem.

Sef, ah fit get Vade Mecum and DaBishop to testify on ya behaf about all di kontribushon yu don make for "carnal" discourse for dis forum dem, so tey 'Bishop sef come begin dey admire ya work for dat Uganda thread.

Na good tin also say NVS Villagers dem spouse go fit vouch for you for dis same regard.

I'll see Abraxas @ the bar thie evening, anyways. Nothing that waffi-pidgin over bottles of Odeku and fresh, spicy "asun" (roasted goatmeat) can't fix.

In the meantime, steer clear of mean-looking dudes in red jump-suits and watch miracles happen..
--

[Abraxas]

Hi, folks!

Ahemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

By the powers conferred on me ......

Make I go come. .... I dey come small, small, no be small. ....Wait small, I never finish.... I still dey come-�!

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

[anwulika]

Hi, folks!

Ahemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

By the powers conferred on me ......

Make I go come. .... I dey come small, small, no be small. ....Wait small, I never finish.... I still dey come-�!

Muchas gracias.

Don Juan-Carlos ABRAXAS (III)

Oga Abraxas! Gud morning sah!

How body? Family nko? Thank you for your quick response on this matter. I know you have gone to prepare ogbonge tory tory to even surpass this one you gave me for my temporary transit visa. Thank you in advance sir!

I await...