His attitude has changed

Hi, I had to post anony because I am afraid of judgement (please dont judge me lol). So I have been dating this naija guy for a year and a half. He is really nice and everything is going ok. We fight but that is normal, what isnt normal is what happens afterwards. He does not call me until I call him. I mean days turn into weeks and one time he went two months without calling me. I let it go that long just because I wanted to see how long he would let it go. In the end as usual I was the one to call him first. I understand that after a fight people need time to cool off but why purposely ignore me just to prove your point.

I keep asking myself why he does this. When we first started dating anytime we had a fight in a few hours he would call saying we should talk things out. Now he is so stubborn and refuses to back down. This is my theory of why he has changed...

One day about a year ago we were having sex and the condom broke. I was so scared because after that I was feeling strange and thought I might be pregnant, lucky it turned out to be a false alarm. But after that I wouldnt have sex anymore because I was afraid that next time I would not be so lucky. And although he was not happy about it he agreed to us not having sex anymore. But I did compensate by giving him oral sex so I was trying to not be so unreasonable and be sensitive to his "needs".

I feel like the time he started ignoring me after fights and the time I stopped having sex with him coincide, and maybe one is linked to the other. Guys, if you were in his shoes, would your attitude to your girlfriend change if the sex was no longer there? Would you be less willing to yield during/after a fight the way he did? I just want to know why he is acting this way because it is driving me crazy. I feel like I am dealing with a brick wall when he acts like this. How can he say he loves me, but be so cold and ignore me for such long periods of time? Thanks!

[Iye]

Sweetheart….It not easy to let go when you feel you love someone but its better to start getting yourself ready for a breakup with this guy….the summary of his attitude is…he’s no longer interested and he wants a way out.

[ISL]

Guys, if you were in his shoes, would your attitude to your girlfriend change if the sex was no longer there?

yes.........

[Auspicious]

+

Guys, if you were in his shoes, would your attitude to your girlfriend change if the sex was no longer there?

Yes.

Auspicious.

[Anonymous Villager]

Hey its me again.

I agree lack of sex would change things somewhat but why so much. I mean there are other things in a relationship so even if it caused some tension I would not expect it to cause such a big change in his behavior. Secondly even if it did why would it last so long. Its been a year since celibacy kicked in so I would think he get used to it and things would go back to normal. And its not like I cut him off completely, I still did other things for him. I feel Iye is right that he doesnt want to be with me but then why doesnt he just say that? And is it because the sex is gone?

[Ranter]

Give him what he needs and see if things get better.

You just can not take away some important aspects of adult relationships.

[liloldlady]

Somebody is giving you this level of headache with just dating, and you want NVS people to be mind readers?

Remember the saying....When people show you who they are the first time....believe them.

In truth and indeed, are you willing to put up long term with a man, who puts you through emotional turmoil, whenever things are not going exactly the way he wants it?
'Cause you can use another method of birth control, apart from condoms, and then give him all the sex in Nevada....he will still torture you, whenever he does not get his way about something else.

You are looking at how he resolves conflict, is it ok with you?

Please cut him loose.
He may be the nicest person when things are OK, but he is emotionally abusive when its not. And that my sis is the kicker.

[Babine]

Men's attitude will usually change after you have had sex....Womens' too. Very normal. After all...what else is there to do or look forward to?...

But sex is not really your problem honey....you do not have a relationship....Wharrever you have or choose to call it between you...shows a complete break down of communication....how you guys keep having this 'sex' or whachamacallit beats the heck ourra me.

You need to change your attitude....


.....and by God...quit acting like "it is not sweeting" you too.

I feel like I am dealing with a brick wall when he acts like this. How can he say he loves me, but be so cold and ignore me for such long periods of time? Thanks!

That is a man for you.....no different from any other animal you may encounter in the bush or forest.....you need to learn not to get too emotional on their behalf.....don't expect this to change even after you get married O!....

Then to crown it all it is a Naija man.....your work has not started....wait till you say I do!

Even after you have 'exchanged' bodily fluids......you need to learn to.....wipe your arse with the nearest newspaper you can find on the floor, leave the junk under his pillow....pull ya pants up(that is if you have any on)......and move the hell on...

...to the next one....please...

Bottom line....learn to invest your time, money and energy on only those who can do the same for you...if you are not communicating....please cut 'em loose...unless you are a 'desperado'!

Love has nothing to do with the price of rice in China please.....

Hi, I had to post anony because I am afraid of judgement (please dont judge me lol). So I have been dating this naija guy for a year and a half.

...And where are you from?

[agensheku]

Anonymous villager,if you offer your niece a wrapped up lollipop and insist she must not unwrap it but lick it like that,what do you think she will do when next you come visiting?she will scram.i analysed your story and saw that you created your own problem.so,if condom broke mistakenly once,is that enough reason to deny your date "action" until further notice?!whan God created Adam,Eve,the snake and Apple,katakata don burst be that!so long as it was eve who gave Adam the taste of the apple,how can she now say no more apples?give your date more apples and see if your affair wont bubble better than before!SEX MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND IN CIRCLES!!!!

[Soul Sista]

Nonee:

Two male villagers have responded to your direct question. And, even though I am female, I think my attitude to my SO will change if he decides to unilaterally change a decision that we had both agreed on with regard to sex. Nevertheless, however, it is your body and you are NOT married to him so feel free to make your own decisions; afterall, if you were pregnant, won't you be the one to carry it to term or place your body at risk to abort it? Be that as it may, just don't expect that he won't react as he has every right and the free will to do so.

So, what gives me some pause about your palava is not so much that he reacts to your decision regarding sex. What concerns me is that his reaction seems to be to attack communication, which is the life blood of every healthy relationship. Conflict is not a problem, every relationship will have conflicts. But to resolve conflicts, you must have communication. If you are engaged in some sort of prolonged power play regarding who calls first after a fight, that is extremely unhealthy. Have you spoken to him about it? Perhaps instead of speaking to those of us who know nothing about your relationship beyond the one-sided view you've offered to us, you should just have it out with him once and for all. If you love this guy, it is best to see whether you can make him see your point of view about communication.

And, if you can't, then be honest with yourself as to whether it is a make or break relationship point for you. Only you can answer that question. You owe yourself the duty to be honest.

All the best!

Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling

[Balo]

Guys, if you were in his shoes, would your attitude to your girlfriend change if the sex was no longer there?

Generally speaking, my own answer to this would be nope! Depends on what I think about our relationship, if I really like her as a person and see the relationship as having even some sort of a future, I would try to try and engage her in a conversation on how we can overcome her fears but if I fail to see any kind of immediate fufure for both of us, then perhaps I will adopt his attitude until she yields.

So what am I saying - simple, this guy does not really care about you as much as you do him. My advice is to move on, there will be many other guys who will appreciate you for what you are!

[Iye]

Originally Posted by Balo

Generally speaking, my own answer to this would be nope! Depends on what I think about our relationship, if I really like her as a person and see the relationship as having even some sort of a future, I would try to try and engage her in a conversation on how we can overcome her fears but if I fail to see any kind of immediate fufure for both of us, then perhaps I will adopt his attitude until she yields.

So what am I saying - simple, this guy does not really care about you as much as you do him. My advice is to move on, there will be many other guys who will appreciate you for what you are!

NSV give it up for Balooooo…one of a kind..

[Anonymous Villager]

Hi all, thanks for all the advice so far. Yes I have spoken to him about it. Everytime I am the first to call him he claims he was just about to call me which of course is bull. When I ask why he acts that way he has no answer for me.

So from what I gleaned from what everyone has said I should let it go because he does not really care about me whether or not the cause is the lack of sex and anyway the relationship is unhealthy which I agree with. It is such a terrible feeling to have someone treat you like that and I do think it is a power game. He wants me to be the first to break and a guy friend of mine told me once that relationships are usually about games. And he said my problem in relationships has always been that I dont know the rules of the game and so I dont know how to play effectively. And that whoever cares the least (or acts like they do) has the most power in the relationship. Is that true? (Please be genuine here)

Someone mentioned using other forms of birth control. I am not comfortable taking birth control pills or the shot or diaphrams (did I spell that right? lol) First because they have so many dangerous side effects and second of all because then there would be fluid exchange which I worry about because of infections/stds etc.

And really my pregnacy scare was serious. For two weeks I was having weird symptoms and I was terrified and the guy was telling me to take abortion pills etc. It was just awful because I was about to start a grad program in three weeks and I could just see my life falling down all around me...So now I am paranoid about the condoming bursting and getting preganant or worse stds etc. And to be honest I feel better now that sex is off the table because it was a cause of stress to me. It felt good during (of course!) but the next day (esp if it was a sunday) I would feel guilty about it. I'm pentacostal so all my life we have been threatened with hell fire and damnation. So just to keep this new found peace of mind I would like to continue celibacy.

To round up my last question is, assuming me and the current bf go our seperate ways, wont it be so hard to find someone who will agree to a sexless relationship? Like how many guys out there will really agree to wait or are already practicing celibacy themselves out of choice? I know there are a few but not enough to make it likely I will find one. I have a cousin who is 26 and a virgin but she also has never been in a relationship. I dont want that to be me, like just because of celibacy be lonely for years at a stretch or worse, forever.

[liloldlady]

Originally Posted by Anonymous Villager

To round up my last question is, assuming me and the current bf go our seperate ways, wont it be so hard to find someone who will agree to a sexless relationship? Like how many guys out there will really agree to wait or are already practicing celibacy themselves out of choice? I know there are a few but not enough to make it likely I will find one. I have a cousin who is 26 and a virgin but she also has never been in a relationship. I dont want that to be me, like just because of celibacy be lonely for years at a stretch or worse, forever.

You really need to look deep within you and decide what your values are....
Why would you have sex, when it is not what you really want in a relationship?
Why would you do things to yourself that you do not like and which makes you feel bad about yourself afterwards?
You are eroding your self confidence, and it is hard to build it back up when you have thrashed it for no good reason.
There are men out there who are equally happy to wait until they have met some life goals before engaging in sexual intercourse.

You really need to decide what you want, and stick to it....Plus you are too young to allow fear of being alone, erode what self worth you have, especially since it will then lead you to believe you must do things you do not like, just to keep a man....very very bad thing to do to yourself.

Since you are pentecostal...I think its time you speak to somebody in your church, to cousel you better, before you do yourself untold damage.

Yes its a great idea to stick to condoms, for the reasons you gave.....well done.
If you do not want to have sex....don't.
The right man for you will understand, once you explain your position.
A man who loves you, and wants to be with you, will not see lack of sex as a deal breaker.
You need to lose the lily livered tendency to do things you don't want just to keep a man in your life....it will cost you a lot of dignity, if you don't squash that habit now.

[Iye]

Honey…am not trying to judge you, but whatever religion you belong to or not…there’s always a place for abstinence. …ever heard of that word….just joking

I don’t know why you want to go into a relationship…maybe for the long or short haul. But whatever the haul, your being comfortable with it should be first on your mind.

I will say, hold on for a while get to love yourself and gather some self esteem, then you will realize you have control over your live and any guy not ready to play by your rules is not meant to be.

You were not put in this earth to make any man happy.

I promise you most guys will drop you in a heartbeat once you say no sex…it simply means he’s not meant for you. By the way, how many sex partners do you want to have before finally settling down....these things have a way to come back and hunt us even if you use all the condoms and birth control in the world….please get a hobby for now and the right guy will find you. God bless.

[Balo]

Someone mentioned using other forms of birth control. I am not comfortable taking birth control pills or the shot or diaphrams (did I spell that right? lol) First because they have so many dangerous side effects and second of all because then there would be fluid exchange which I worry about because of infections/stds etc.

Just thought I should point out that I think you have real problem with your self esteem otherwise why would you consider sex with a man whom you think might be a carrier of of infections/stds etc?? Just asking??

[Rose]

Originally Posted by liloldlady

Somebody is giving you this level of headache with just dating, and you want NVS people to be mind readers?

Remember the saying....When people show you who they are the first time....believe them.

In truth and indeed, are you willing to put up long term with a man, who puts you through emotional turmoil, whenever things are not going exactly the way he wants it?
'Cause you can use another method of birth control, apart from condoms, and then give him all the sex in Nevada....he will still torture you, whenever he does not get his way about something else.

You are looking at how he resolves conflict, is it ok with you?

Please cut him loose.
He may be the nicest person when things are OK, but he is emotionally abusive when its not. And that my sis is the kicker.

Excellent advice. Instead of breaking off clean he's keeping her around as backup until he really moves on. I'm surprised she hasn't started to dislike this emotionally abusive boyfriend.

[lateesha]

Originally Posted by liloldlady

You really need to look deep within you and decide what your values are....
Why would you have sex, when it is not what you really want in a relationship?
Why would you do things to yourself that you do not like and which makes you feel bad about yourself afterwards?
You are eroding your self confidence, and it is hard to build it back up when you have thrashed it for no good reason.
There are men out there who are equally happy to wait until they have met some life goals before engaging in sexual intercourse.

You really need to decide what you want, and stick to it....Plus you are too young to allow fear of being alone, erode what self worth you have, especially since it will then lead you to believe you must do things you do not like, just to keep a man....very very bad thing to do to yourself.

Since you are pentecostal...I think its time you speak to somebody in your church, to cousel you better, before you do yourself untold damage.

Yes its a great idea to stick to condoms, for the reasons you gave.....well done.
If you do not want to have sex....don't.
The right man for you will understand, once you explain your position.
A man who loves you, and wants to be with you, will not see lack of sex as a deal breaker.
You need to lose the lily livered tendency to do things you don't want just to keep a man in your life....it will cost you a lot of dignity, if you don't squash that habit now.

This is one of the best advice on the thread so far (and there are several others in the same league).
There are men who would wait for marriage before having sex, never compromise your standards to keep a man.
On another forum,there was a girl that married this guy who loved anal sex.
She hated it,it made her feel dirty,she even bled but she took it because she was in love and lateesha says she needs a beating.
Why on earth would a woman settle for abuse of any sorts?
@anonee,

Rose and others told you the truth,the man is no more into you (literally).
Girls are more vocal in dumping guys they are no longer into, guys usually don't want to hurt a girl's feelings so he may not tell you but the actions have spoken louder than words and you know it.

[Babine]

Originally Posted by Balo

Generally speaking, my own answer to this would be nope! Depends on what I think about our relationship, if I really like her as a person and see the relationship as having even some sort of a future, I would try to try and engage her in a conversation on how we can overcome her fears but if I fail to see any kind of immediate fufure for both of us, then perhaps I will adopt his attitude until she yields.

So what am I saying - simple, this guy does not really care about you as much as you do him. My advice is to move on, there will be many other guys who will appreciate you for what you are!

I knew I picked the right one.....back off ladies...

....this boy is mine.....

[M. Akosa]

Rose, Iye, Lateesha, Liloldlady, and every one on this thread,

Oh.... Thank you, and thank you so much.

Especially Liloldie, you know very well how to give good life saving advice and how to get to any person's individual level. I wish I have that patience, enough to articulate and reason with any breezy head or confused people.

I wish I have a fairy god mother like that.

Even I worry so much daily about my almost teenage, blossoming children, the type of silly things they say or can even seriously do, all due to lack of self esteem and confidence.
I talk to them as if they are clients or my colleagues, and sometimes it is just too formal, and does not really sink in to their level of grasp. I wish I have the skills to get to their level, talk and reason about non starters and silly behaviours.

As a girl / lady, my darling sister Anonymous villager, you should not let any man touch your body, or to violate your spirit and then you end up feeling all sickening, guilty and bad with yourself.

Girls/ women should learn to love without sex, until you are ready and comfortable.

As Rose correctly said it, he seems to be only using you as a back up. Also as Iye said, about getting a hobby or something, please go try out ball room dancing, salsa or learn playing golf, and remove your self far away from that Naija dysfucntional recreational sex, and f0cking all the time something. That is not love at all.

A man should call, run after and chase a girl / lady, sex or no sex involved, and not the other way round.

Please my dear sister Anonymous V. start looking elsewhere. He is not serious or worth it. Don't beg..... ah..... No, No. Your self esteem is really at stake here.

God bless you all.