Custodian & Pilot-in-Chief of the Presidential Fleet FederalRepublic of Nigeria Aso Rock Villa Abuja
APPLICATION TO USE THE PRESIDENTIAL JET
I hereby apply to use the Nigerian Presidential Jet, which I believe is available for use by all apologists of the PDP administration, including money launderers. I premise my application on the extremely urgent need to go and repair a torn tendon, an injury which came about whilst I was going through my daily exercise routine. I now state the reasons why I believe I am entitled to use the aforementioned aircraft, bought and maintained by the resources belonging to the Nigerian people for whom you are presently the sole signatory, trustee, and administrator.
The said aircraft had been used to ferry one fair-skinned madam to Spain sometime ago, in order to attend to the delicate and life threatening condition called tummy tuck! The tummy tuck had been necessary as a matter of public policy and economic well-being of the Nigerian people. That the same presidential jet had been used to ferry the fair-skinned madam back to Nigeria, after the life-saving treatment abroad. What could not be achieved in Nigeria was eventually accomplished in Spain. It was a round trip, I hear!
The said aircraft had been used to smuggle foreign currency, actually US Dollars, to the United States of America by one ‘Dr' Andy Uba, a doctor of his own imagination and creation, erstwhile adviser/assistant to the President of Nigeria, and now the gubernatorial candidate of the PDP for AnambraState. I hear, Sir, that part of the loot smuggled onboard the Presidential Jet to the US was then used to purchase some farming implements for Obasanjo Farms based in Ota. The gift was not solicited NOR DECLINED. Contrary to what your detractors are saying, I hear that the purchase of the farming equipment by the fake ‘Dr' Andy Uba had become imperative in order to sustain Agriculture in Nigeria!
The said aircraft had also been used very recently to cart the soon to be rigged-in presidential candidate of the PDP to Germany, to enable him take the deserved rest from the rigours of electioneering campaigns. I hear that the cost of that visit to the German Spa was footed by the ever obliging Government purse. I hear that it is not true that Yar Adua had gone for medical treatment in a German hospital, because that would be an indictment of this government and its inability to provide credible health services after 8 glorious years in power! No, far from it, this government has got solid health infrastructure record and none of the governmental officials has ever been abroad to receive any medical treatment. In parallel, the achievement of this government in the field of education is incomparable; hardly would you find children of government officials in private schools abroad!
That the said Presidential Jet is now urgently needed to enable me embark on a course of treatment which is geared towards the betterment of the Nigerian people – it will free them from the shackles of poverty for which I know nothing about! Once I have this life-saving operation, I will be in a better state to sprint and run to either the British or American Embassy, or Idi Iroko, when the people finally come calling to collect the ill-gotten wealth I am holding in trust for them, I hear!
In addition to the above points, I would like to bring to your attention the following cogent reasons.
That I had dutifully served this country as a public officer, actually Customs & Excise, for many years. Whilst a civil servant, I had steadfastly collected, invested, and creatively accounted on behalf of the Nigerian people and I can proudly say, like you too, Sir, that I am a Billionaire in Naira and Multi-Millionaire in foreign currency!
As the Presidential Jet is now an Okada normally available to lackeys and looters of the Nigerian treasury, it is my considered view that I am entitled to have it placed at my disposal too!
That I am a founding member of the PDP until recently when I steeped on your toes and refused to back your plans to elongate your rule by a stealth amendment of the Nigerian constitution, an action which I now deeply regret but I am too deep in troubled muck to give up now! I hear that because I have kept quiet so far about how we dealt with that Ijesha Attorney General, I have some leverage with you.
Frankly, I think it's time we rounded up some miscreants and blamed his death on them. I hear we can use the angel of death, Baba Alamala, the Garrison Commander, of Ibadan to rodeo them in before he is called HOME! I hear my friend, the Shameless Advocate of Nigeria, is on his way to the UN and will do anything you ask of him so he should be able to draft the appropriate charges to nab the innocents! He is presently doing a very good job of harassing some smart-nosed lawyers based in the US who think that, since there is no justice in Nigeria, they can get justice in the United States, for Abiola, Enahoro, etc.
Baba, why don't you send Sergeant Rogers of the infamous Abacha's regime after them, so that he can teach them some lessons? Come to think of it, I think the police in the US and Britain do not look the other way like our Sunday Ehindero here in Nigeria; they will eventually trace such actions back to us – no matter how long it takes. Still we have to do something stupid, as usual, e.g. charge them all for treasonable felony.
The lawyer we have been paying for Abdul-Salam Abubakar has not managed to win a single motion since the inception of the case so we better do something drastic here - where it does not matter what a lawyer says, or what the judge decides. We should get Bayo to write the judgement and get one of those we have compromised to read it out. And before he or she delivers the judgement, we get the usually obliging obstreperous Bayo … (does his surname means to be scared, as I think he's taken leave of his senses?) to say to the media what he has decided. Ah just before I go, Sir, I hear those lawyers have a friend in the UK so we will get him charged too. I hear we may not be able to charge him for treasonable felony….ok we can still charge him for Rape or Armed Robbery….We'll get that.