Tweets for Humorless Villagers

uniben82 · Jul 9, 2009 , 04:05 PM

Let me begin by saying that twitter does not have me on their payroll. This is not an attempt to recruit anyone. I just wanted to give you guys-who may never make it to twitter-an idea of what goes on around there. I will occasionally...maybe even frequently post some of my tweets and any other that I deem funny, weird, appropriate or inappropriate for NVS. If you're asking why? I'm saying, why not?

P.S If you're not familiar with tweets or know what they are, you could always Read this first, or for the love of mother theresa, go with the flow!

Be right back...

uniben82 · Jul 9, 2009 , 04:12 PM

Dear Overactive Bladder: There’s no reason to wake me up at night. Yes. Really. I’m quite content with peeing on my bed.

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 10, 2009 , 04:50 PM

I’m tidying her room, so I ask my 7-yr-old to run downstairs & get my cell phone. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. “ She says. “I’m a lazy ass."

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 11, 2009 , 04:23 PM

As I'm watching previews for an upcoming TV show called, "There goes the neighborhood," I remember thinking, there goes another stupid ass show!

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 13, 2009 , 03:41 AM

Caca. Doo-doo. Crap. Shit. Excited 2 share this Scoop on Poop with U, fellow villagers.

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 13, 2009 , 11:17 PM

Dear Garlic: We must now part ways. You are ruining my love life.

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 15, 2009 , 03:14 PM

"To the human who invented the bed - outstanding job. To the human who invented the alarm clock - find a new line of work."

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 17, 2009 , 05:22 AM

Dear Condoms: I hear that most Indian men fall short by an inch according to international size specifications.

You, no fair!

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 19, 2009 , 12:58 AM

Unique & Useless Laws: In West Virginia, “Whistling underwater is prohibited." Why stop there? What about grocery store isles? -

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 20, 2009 , 04:55 PM

He says life without an addiction is painful. I say, life without an addiction is freedom!

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 21, 2009 , 03:18 AM

Love 2 wear boxer shorts, wife beaters & axe body spray. Does this mean I’m a dude trapped in a chick’s body? Seriously? Cool!

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 23, 2009 , 03:04 PM

My 7-yr-old just fly kicked the crap outta me at connect 4! Will go console bruised butt w/ a tall glass of Palm wine

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 24, 2009 , 11:51 PM

Dear Mr. really, really, loud car stereo music player: My ears are shot. My BP, up. My nerves rattled. Congratulations. I owe you a grenade!

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 27, 2009 , 05:03 PM

Kids:Playing catch w/ pup. Me:Wondering how I ended up w/ most sought-after job of ‘em all. Picking up shit & trimming penis sheath hair.

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 29, 2009 , 03:32 PM

Told 3-yr-old nephew there’s no such thing as Santa. He’s still sniveling. Bad Auntie. Must go spank self now.

UB82

uniben82 · Jul 31, 2009 , 08:17 PM

My kid who’ll eat pretty much anything, has successfully cleared our family room of all occupants. Not talking about the aroma of roses-

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 4, 2009 , 03:50 AM

I hate teenagers. They think they know everything. When I was a teenager, I never thought I knew everything...I knew everything-

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 5, 2009 , 04:45 PM

Unique & Useless Laws: In Virginia, "there is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."

Ssssshhhhhhhh...Don't you dare share this with our political leaders. They may discover the benefits of corruption-

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 7, 2009 , 10:11 PM

Olfactory assault of the most unimaginable proportion, is how I would describe your breath. Yes, I'm talking about U! Catch me if U can...

UB82

uniben82 · Aug 9, 2009 , 02:39 AM

Just had the most incredible dinner ever and it's giving me the equivalent of a boner

UB82