Why Marriages Don’t Work – The Change Factor

Why
is it that so many marriages do not work? Why does a relationship that starts
with two peop...Read the full article.

[Olamide]

Thanks very much for this article but I will like to emphasize here that the only thing that is constant in a relationship or marriage is change because it is dynamic. Marriages fail because of the factors you mentioned but also because of some factors that you did not mention in your article. I was compeled to write a friend sometime ago about the same issue of why marriages fail after glorious courtships. The address and other delicate details about the person has been removed but the main body of the mail is reproduced below.

I am going to start by discussing the factors responsible for the death of the love that brought two persons together in marriage and then, the man or the woman start thinking of divorce or start having an affair. Having an affair sometimes could be due to lonelines where one of the spouses have to work away from home. Imagine the husband working in Maiduguri, Abuja, London, New York or Sudan while the wife is in Nigeria. The man naturally will start looking for ways to satisfy his sexual urge while the woman stays at home for months on end waiting for 'Oga' to return to come and service her. The real reasons for breakdown of relationships are explained below. You can agree or disagree with them but the points mentioned are the major ones as I had to filter through at least 20 reasons to the few ones explained in detail below.

a. Women change as they grow while men grow up but never changes: The person who said that age conferred wisdom did not have men in mind when he said those words. Age does not confer wisdom on men but actually make them worse. While age confers wisdom on women and melow them down, it makes the men grow wilder and sharpen their predilection for truancy. While a woman at 45 is aelready seeing herself as an elder and trying to assume the character that fits this appelation, a man at 45 is just beginning to enjoy life. he has probably started making more money and will be looking for ways of spending it on younger women. He will start travelling more at this stage and wil never behave according to his age by looking for women around his age bracket but girls who are 20 years younger.

b. Putting on weight: As a follow-up to the above, men find it very hard to believe that the slim girl he married 12 years ago will not remain that slim after giving him 6 sons to carry on his lineage and 4 girls to bring him in-laws. men always forget conveniently that they are also growing thicker around the middle and that the bulge in front of their 'agbadas' does not belong to ghosts. The man wants his wife to remain slim forever and where this is not possible, he start running around looking for slim ladies with upright breasts after turning his wife's breasts to 'slippers' through constant childbirth.

c. Lack of interest in Sex: You cannot cheat nature. Sex is like music. It changes as you grow older. From hard rock (15-25 years), you move to disco, Ragga and hip-hop (26-30) and then, R&B (31-35), then to soul (36-40) and lastly Jazz (40 -55) if you are lucky. From 56 onwards, you are on your own and liable to die of heart attack if you exert yourself too much during sex. The women reach the stage of Jazz faster than men and has to take it easy while 'Oga' still wants sex 4 times a week. Once Madam is not able to do this, a second wife might come in or he start running outside. He might also want a divorce if he thinks that he cannot conveniently marry a second wife. Some women also just stop functioning sexually due to psychological reasons and create problems for themselves.

d. Religion: This is the most divisive factor in every marriage, most especially, if both husband and wife does not share the same religious convictions. Women tend to be more religious than their husbands and as followers of all sorts of doctorines. Once the wife start attending churches where the Pastor preach in a way that makes having regular sex look like a spiritual problem, it is always the beginning of the end. Terms like 'dog spirit', 'mammy water', 'Ogbanje' ' sex taking away your glory' are used by stupid Pastors and their wives in order to enslave their congregation. the wife start denying her husband what is rightly his and the end result is that the man start keeping girlfriends and Sugar-mummies.

e. Transferring love to the children: While women grow up, the men remain at the same level of intellect when it comes to controlling their emotions. A man will become jealous of his children if the wife is paying them more attention than she is givng to him. he may start reacting to this development by having a lady friend outside that will be totally devoted to him. women have a big problem balancing the attention they give to the children and their husbands. It is rational to expect the man to know where his shirt is in the mornig while a 6 year old boy should be helped by his mum to find his shirt and wear it. That little gesture can set a man off and he can start thinking of getting a girlfriend outside. women also use the shildren as a shield when they have problems with their husbands. they start showering love on them instead of mending the relationship with their husbands. The husbands get more annoyed and as they say 'everything scatter-scatter'.

f. Becoming lousy with personnal hygiene: Most women becomes indifferent with their personal hygiene because they are growing older, nursing babies or taking care of the children and the house. Imagine the embarrassment of returning to the house in the evening to come and find your wife with a wrapper tied on her chest, her hair like a bird's nest on her head and smelling of breast milk or garlic or raw meat because she is preparing food . you will not like to stay at home with her but find an excuse to return outside almost immediately. Imagine the same wife coming to bed smelling the same way and you have a bad night in addition to a bad day. Women have to learn how to remain clean while doing the housework or taking care of the children. I am of the opinion that men should be assisting their wives but you want to stay in the kitchen if your wife is looking good and not like 'mama put' in the next street.

g. Comparing your spouse with others: General problem of both sexes. A man will always compare his wife to that of his neighbour and if he is not happy with the result, he might end up going out. The women also compare their husbands to the husbands of their friends. They wonder why his stomach is not flat like Mr. Williams or why he is not making enough money like Mr. Lawal. This can push them out also to have toyboys or sugar-daddies. Men and women have to learn to make the best use of whatever God has given them in term of spouses.

In conclusion, the inability to deal with or accept the changes that will take place in couples is mainly responsible for the collapse of many marriages. Partners should prepare their minds for the changes before venturing into marriage. Will teh lady be able to cope and stay with teh man if he start losing his hair, develop diabetes or develop that 'extra-tyre' around his waist? The man should also think about the realities of his wife losing her 'flawless skin', the cone-shaped breasts and putting on some weight after giving birth to those lovely children for you.

[mulan]

There are about a thousand reasons why marriages do not work, but for the purpose of this article, I will just deal with what I call the change factor. Is this a guy problem or is it a girl problem? Is it a parental problem or is it a societal problem?

Omolulu,

Thanks for giving it a name. I also think this is one of the most important factors affecting the success of start-up marriages. A friend asked recently how compatible I judged she and her fiancee to be and the chances of a successful marriage and I said, quite good but don't quote me. My reason was that expectations do change soon after marriage. Some likely scenarios I used are contained in your article. I do not think they are enough to make a marriage not work or lead to divorce but "the change factor" does lead to an uncomfortable first few months which can stifle or even kill live/ marriage if not well managed.

What you will notice from these two scenarios is that after the marriage, they both had different expectations from the other. They expected the other to be a certain way, “because we are now married.” Marriage is a journey and usually a difficult one, because you are no longer living for yourself but for someone else (well, that’s how it should be anyway). When a couple gets to the point where they feel like the other should change things that they initially had no problem with, because they are now married, it will take a miracle for that marriage to stand.

GBAM! GBAM! GBAM!


@Olamide,

Thanks for your write-up. It is very informative...

[anas]

Olamide- abeg carry your bushness comot for here!!

[akar ninzo]

Olamide

Thanks for this wonderful article.

The thing about that institution is that, it waxes and wane. thus, one need to detect the cresendo and exhibit all the passions that comes with it. And during descendo, search for the same passions and exhibit them while waiting for cresendo to complete the cycle.


But it is easily said than done for some folks!

[Olamide]

Thanks a million. What I wrote on this issue was based on reality and not meant as a disrespect to any gender.

[FoxCatcher]

Originally Posted by Olamide

d. Religion: This is the most divisive factor in every marriage, most especially, if both husband and wife does not share the same religious convictions. Women tend to be more religious than their husbands and as followers of all sorts of doctorines. Once the wife start attending churches where the Pastor preach in a way that makes having regular sex look like a spiritual problem, it is always the beginning of the end. Terms like 'dog spirit', 'mammy water', 'Ogbanje' ' sex taking away your glory' are used by stupid Pastors and their wives in order to enslave their congregation. the wife start denying her husband what is rightly his and the end result is that the man start keeping girlfriends and Sugar-mummies.

@Omololu/Olamide,

2 examples of highly relevant and balanced pieces. Extremely well written. One might say '2 for the price of one'. I'm forwarding this page to some of my friends and cousins for their benefit.

That said, I must say that any Pastor who teaches what Olamide posted above in the 21st Century cannot be too familiar with his Bible. Any reading of Songs of Solomon will show that religion and sex are not mutually exclusive. The Bible only limits it to marriage. Heb 13:4:

"4 Marriage is to be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other. God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery." TEV

Paul even commanded married couples not to deny each other's sexual rights except for short periods by mutual consent. God made man's sexuality; their sexual drive and desires.

What Christians (and most other morally sensitive religions) frown upon is indiscriminate sexuality. Within the bounds of marriage, a couple have full freedom to explore and experiment (empirically) their sexuality to its 'limits'.

However, in this 21st Century this should be done with proper safeguards as there're usually no more farms to send 'procreative battalions'. The financial and emotive cost of child raising today means 'oga must go softly softly wid madam o

Ciao

[employlawone]

Sean,

Na wa oh! Foxcatcher, you make me laugh, yet you make your point very clearly.

Thank you.

[dele26]

Whoever proposes is immaterial the decision for two people to be married is made by one and the other a rubber stamp. If you look at your marriage you can tell who is the rubber stamp.

[EezeeBee]

Olamide, I can't believe you proudly duplicated the e-mail you sent your friend when virtually EVERY single paragraph contained false, accusatory and unfounded statements. If this is the kind of advice you dispense, I can only imagine that you may be causing more problems between the people you are advising than otherwise.

I'll elaborate below in red:

Originally Posted by Olamide

... I am going to start by discussing the factors responsible for the death of the love that brought two persons together in marriage and then, the man or the woman start thinking of divorce or start having an affair. Having an affair sometimes could be due to lonelines where one of the spouses have to work away from home. Imagine the husband working in Maiduguri, Abuja, London, New York or Sudan while the wife is in Nigeria. The man naturally will start looking for ways to satisfy his sexual urge while the woman stays at home for months on end waiting for 'Oga' to return to come and service her. The real reasons for breakdown of relationships are explained below. You can agree or disagree with them but the points mentioned are the major ones as I had to filter through at least 20 reasons to the few ones explained in detail below.

a. Women change as they grow while men grow up but never changes: The person who said that age conferred wisdom did not have men in mind when he said those words. Age does not confer wisdom on men but actually make them worse. While age confers wisdom on women and melow them down, it makes the men grow wilder and sharpen their predilection for truancy. While a woman at 45 is aelready seeing herself as an elder and trying to assume the character that fits this appelation, a man at 45 is just beginning to enjoy life. he has probably started making more money and will be looking for ways of spending it on younger women. He will start travelling more at this stage and wil never behave according to his age by looking for women around his age bracket but girls who are 20 years younger.

b. Putting on weight: As a follow-up to the above, men find it very hard to believe that the slim girl he married 12 years ago will not remain that slim after giving him 6 sons to carry on his lineage and 4 girls to bring him in-laws. men always forget conveniently that they are also growing thicker around the middle and that the bulge in front of their 'agbadas' does not belong to ghosts. The man wants his wife to remain slim forever and where this is not possible, he start running around looking for slim ladies with upright breasts after turning his wife's breasts to 'slippers' through constant childbirth.

c. Lack of interest in Sex: You cannot cheat nature. Sex is like music. It changes as you grow older. From hard rock (15-25 years), you move to disco, Ragga and hip-hop (26-30) and then, R&B (31-35), then to soul (36-40) and lastly Jazz (40 -55) if you are lucky. From 56 onwards, you are on your own and liable to die of heart attack if you exert yourself too much during sex. The women reach the stage of Jazz faster than men and has to take it easy while 'Oga' still wants sex 4 times a week. Once Madam is not able to do this, a second wife might come in or he start running outside. He might also want a divorce if he thinks that he cannot conveniently marry a second wife. Some women also just stop functioning sexually due to psychological reasons and create problems for themselves.

d. Religion: This is the most divisive factor in every marriage, most especially, if both husband and wife does not share the same religious convictions. Women tend to be more religious than their husbands and as followers of all sorts of doctorines. Once the wife start attending churches where the Pastor preach in a way that makes having regular sex look like a spiritual problem, it is always the beginning of the end. Terms like 'dog spirit', 'mammy water', 'Ogbanje' ' sex taking away your glory' are used by stupid Pastors and their wives in order to enslave their congregation. the wife start denying her husband what is rightly his and the end result is that the man start keeping girlfriends and Sugar-mummies.

e. Transferring love to the children: While women grow up, the men remain at the same level of intellect when it comes to controlling their emotions. A man will become jealous of his children if the wife is paying them more attention than she is givng to him. he may start reacting to this development by having a lady friend outside that will be totally devoted to him. women have a big problem balancing the attention they give to the children and their husbands. It is rational to expect the man to know where his shirt is in the mornig while a 6 year old boy should be helped by his mum to find his shirt and wear it. That little gesture can set a man off and he can start thinking of getting a girlfriend outside. women also use the shildren as a shield when they have problems with their husbands. they start showering love on them instead of mending the relationship with their husbands. The husbands get more annoyed and as they say 'everything scatter-scatter'.

f. Becoming lousy with personnal hygiene: Most women becomes indifferent with their personal hygiene because they are growing older, nursing babies or taking care of the children and the house. Imagine the embarrassment of returning to the house in the evening to come and find your wife with a wrapper tied on her chest, her hair like a bird's nest on her head and smelling of breast milk or garlic or raw meat because she is preparing food . you will not like to stay at home with her but find an excuse to return outside almost immediately. Imagine the same wife coming to bed smelling the same way and you have a bad night in addition to a bad day. Women have to learn how to remain clean while doing the housework or taking care of the children. I am of the opinion that men should be assisting their wives but you want to stay in the kitchen if your wife is looking good and not like 'mama put' in the next street.

g. Comparing your spouse with others: General problem of both sexes. A man will always compare his wife to that of his neighbour and if he is not happy with the result, he might end up going out. The women also compare their husbands to the husbands of their friends. They wonder why his stomach is not flat like Mr. Williams or why he is not making enough money like Mr. Lawal. This can push them out also to have toyboys or sugar-daddies. Men and women have to learn to make the best use of whatever God has given them in term of spouses.

In conclusion, the inability to deal with or accept the changes that will take place in couples is mainly responsible for the collapse of many marriages. Partners should prepare their minds for the changes before venturing into marriage. Will teh lady be able to cope and stay with teh man if he start losing his hair, develop diabetes or develop that 'extra-tyre' around his waist? The man should also think about the realities of his wife losing her 'flawless skin', the cone-shaped breasts and putting on some weight after giving birth to those lovely children for you.

[Olamide]

I never claimed to be a marriage counsellor, my friend. The issues raised in the mail were meant to provoke some reaction from the recipient and I never claimed the reasons I mentioned constituted the 'Holy Grail'. For your information, I am a man and elaborating on the faults of most men as they affects marriages and relationships was my way of being real. The reasons mentioned does not apply to all men and lots of Nigerian women are actually very clean and think about their hygiene and will spend money to buy lotions, make their hair and buy nice clothes ( I hope that placates you)
What I forgot to mention was the death of communication after marriage. Most couples just stop communicating, immersing themselves in work or childcare as the case may be. It is also strange how a man who found it easy to communicate with his wife while courting her just clam shut after marriage and become secretive. this also affects marriage and once couples stop communicating, it spells the beginning of the end of the marriage.

[ikechukwu]

Realities are there you may deny they happen or not. They are still realities so Olamide was just being realistic just like the writer of the articles. However I believe many of us are not cut out for marriage because we just cant stay with anybody we are happier being alone unfortunately the social factor demands that you are a responsible individual when you marry so a lot of people go into it, of course your guess is as good as mine on the result.

A man who is happier just having a steady girl around him without the responsibility of marriage is talked to into marriage, suddenly he realizes that it is a different ball game from the one he used to have with the lady. He has to bother himself with a whole lot of responsibilities which he was never prepared for. The only thing he thought of before was just sex,sex and sex but now its a lot more ball game that he desired.
Some other men's idea of marriage is just the traditional African style, total subservience of the wife to him, calling them dictators might be too harsh in my opinion, they want their wives totally devoted without conditions or questions to them. They are traditional African men at heart, though they may not admit it, so when they marry a lady with a different idea with them as per her own behaviors which she feels must be accommodated(as some women believe it is 50-50 period!) then problems would ensure.

Some women too would be happier being unmarried but with social pressures they are forced to marry, sometimes even marrying men who obviously would not be able to take care of them, they may be jobless or even not doing any worthy job for their sustenance, thereby making the women the bread winner. This, the women might later consider a misnomer after the veil of wedding is removed. Even when the husband is comfortable the woman comes into the wedding believing she has to be allowed her freedom and her freewill which would always be at variance with the husband’s.

I believe people talking to intending couples must really ask them hard questions about their beliefs and expectations of the institution of marriage, they must really tell them the real challenges. They could do some inferences from the woman’s job, the man’s family history, etc. It’s a real work to do I must confess.

Marriage is definitely not a tea party.

[Omololu]

Thanx for the article, Olamide. However, I did mentionin my article that "there are a thousand reasons why marrigaes do not work, but for the purpose of this article, I will deal with what i call the change factor". Your views are very interesting and frankly, a bit misguided. My article deals with start-up marriages and does not generalise. If you look at the examples I gave, it deals with people who were married for short while and does not generalise. Your view seems to be a veiled and sometimes blatant attack on men. While a lot of marriages do not work, a lot do work. While some a lot of men are guilty of the things you have stated, a lot of men are also innocent of these things. My point is: Try to be more objective, cause sometimes, you sound a bit bitter.

[Beam]

Omololu your article enjoyed reading it.
you were quite objective that makes a difference
you did not blame either the female or the male

[UncleTisha]

Originally Posted by Eezeebee

Olamide, I can't believe you proudly duplicated the e-mail you sent your friend when virtually EVERY single paragraph contained false, accusatory and unfounded statements. If this is the kind of advice you dispense, I can only imagine that you may be causing more problems between the people you are advising than otherwise...

Originally Posted by Olamide

I never claimed to be a marriage counsellor, my friend. The issues raised in the mail were meant to provoke some reaction from the recipient and I never claimed the reasons I mentioned constituted the 'Holy Grail'. For your information, I am a man and elaborating on the faults of most men as they affects marriages and relationships was my way of being real....

@Eezeebee,

GBAM!


@Olamide,

Reference the underlined, I doubt it!

[philipikita]

Originally Posted by Olamide

...I am of the opinion that men should be assisting their wives but you want to stay in the kitchen if your wife is looking good and not like 'mama put' in the next street.
.

Olamide, this sounds derogatory to my mama put. Why should you compare the negative unhygienic tendencies of wives to mama put? What has mama put done to you? I have friends and aunts and relations who are mama put. At a point in my childhood, I have toiled with a mama put that kept me working real hard to keep her shade and plates and tables and towels neat. I have survived from childhood to adulthood by mama put food. I am not happy that you, in your warped elite logic have decided to connote mama put as the "stereotypical dirty one down the street". Is it because the elite women cover their dirt behind the walls of their self-contained flats (yes, visit some of these elite homes and see!)? Can these women stay half as neat as mama put, if they are subjected to half the toil mama put get through to support their families and children?
I am not happy with your comparison Olamide.

Marriage is no longer in "vogue"! It has become like an item on a menu or on shelf displayed for consumption.

Women are are also more independent and some are breadwinners of their homes. So why suffer in silence anymore? As I write this, 2 women have put their husbands out for "irreconcilable" differences. More women are realizing that you don't have to be married to be happy.


Why marriages do not work? No one has to put up with whatever they don't have to deal with. Male or female! Marriage is not meant for everyone. With time, the good Lord definitely sends the people meant to be single for life where they belong. . .Separated or Divorced or Widowed. If it is in your destiny to be single,there is not a whole lot you can do about it abi?

f. Becoming lousy with personnal hygiene: Most women becomes indifferent with their personal hygiene because they are growing older, nursing babies or taking care of the children and the house. Imagine the embarrassment of returning to the house in the evening to come and find your wife with a wrapper tied on her chest, her hair like a bird's nest on her head and smelling of breast milk or garlic or raw meat because she is preparing food . you will not like to stay at home with her but find an excuse to return outside almost immediately. Imagine the same wife coming to bed smelling the same way and you have a bad night in addition to a bad day. Women have to learn how to remain clean while doing the housework or taking care of the children. I am of the opinion that men should be assisting their wives but you want to stay in the kitchen if your wife is looking good and not like 'mama put' in the next street.

Interesting. No be soap dem dey take wash nyansh? If oga no give me soap. . .too bad! Shey you say the man is the head of the household? Let him put his money where his mouth is.

Some men go around with smelling undies with "skid marks" too, or something like garri under their armpits. So smelling man jam smelling woman. No problem there! Not enough to break up a marriage.

Enter any plane with some Nigerian big men inside especially business/club class and perceive the stench coming out of that part of the plane. . . not to talk of economy class. Are most of them not married?

Please marriages do not work because the almighty has ordained it is not "your portion"!

Marriage is not a do or die affair. If it is not working get the heck ourra of it! Some people are destined to be single.

No big deal!

[10Kobo]

[quote =Olumide] I am a man [/quote]

[QUOTE=UncleTisha

Reference the underlined, I doubt it! [/QUOTE]

Me sef dey doubt seriously
Why did you have to try to convince us?
Okay, question for you, as a test of ya manhood:
1.) How many "nackins" you dey do before you turn around, face d wall and begin to snore?
2.) If a woman slaps you in public, how would you respond?
3.) Finally, do you have extra-tyre around your mid section and still complain about ya Madam's roundness?

On a serious note, l enjoyed your contribution to the discuss (l will love a woman to give us objectively, from a woman's perspective), especially for recognizing that most men are not only truants as they grow older, but are emotionally unstable and the only thing that grow along with their advancing age, is their abunna!

......and l am a man too!
make nobody no abuse me O!!

10Kobo

[MrsChocT]

I enjoyed reading the article and this is one to share with others. Thank you!