|
Introducing... the Daily Amebo! |
 |
|
 |
|
Saturday, 01 January 2005 |
Following on my article on pseudonews, it’s not too difficult to figure out that I’m something of a speed reader when it comes to going through most Nigerian newspapers, because by the time I’ve skimmed over the pseudonews, there’s not really a lot left to read.
But one newspaper that I spend a lot more time on is the Daily Amebo. All right, I say ‘daily’, but I use the word in the loosest possible sense - as in ‘whenever the enthusiasm of the staff happens to coincide with the availability of resources’. I wouldn’t vouch for the accuracy of the stories, since the paper’s motto happens to be ‘The Truth, the Whole Truth and nothing but the Titillating Sensationalised Truth’. However, if they happen to be true, they are definitely not pseudonews. Here’s an article that samples the flavour of the paper. Enjoy.
Obasanjo Releases Guidelines For Public Criticism of Government
By Senior Reporter, Basketmouth Jagbajantis
In a move designed to calm tensions in the nation, President Olusegun Obasanjo today announced new guidelines governing the issuing of public statements critical of the government.
Announcing the guidelines at a press conference, President Obasanjo expressed his desire that the new rules would lead to “a decline in the rash of careless public statements - including one by a certain party official who knows himself - which had recently led to a heating up of the polity”. Such statements, he said, “could lead to inexorable annihilation and apocalyptic genocide in the nation if they were allowed to be uttered without restraint”.
President Obasanjo said it was these concerns that had prompted him to announce the new guidelines. Below are details of the guidelines:
1. Any person wishing to publicly criticise the government should obtain an Application Form CG001 for a fee of N500,000. The person will be required to enter the following details:
a. Full Name
b. Address
c. Date of Birth
d. Telephone Number
e. Profession
f. List of Titles (excluding Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss)
g. Annual Salary
h.. Membership of any Political Organisations
i. Total Funds Contributed to the PDP over the Last Five Years
j. Names and Addresses of Father, Mother, Siblings, Wife, Children, Near/Distant Relatives, Friends and Known Enemies
The information collected will be used to determine the suitability of the prospective critic as a fit and proper public critic of the government. The prospective critic should fill the form and submit it to the Committee for Vetting Public Critics together with two passport photographs, all his fingerprints and a sample of his blood in an appropriate plastic sachet.
Since the Committee will be comprised of high-minded individuals with a track record of distinguished service in public life, it should take them no longer than 6 months to vet the application form.
2. Once the Committee has determined that the prospective critic is a fit and proper person to be a public critic, he will be required to obtain a Public Criticism Form CG002 for an application fee of N750,000. He should enter the following details in the following sections:
Section A: It is assumed that the prospective critic knows that the President is performing well so far, otherwise he (the critic) would not be around to criticise him (the President). And it is appropriate to acknowledge this good performance with praise and include this praise in the public criticism. So he (the critic) will be required to fill Section A with details of this praise.
Section B: The prospective critic will put the details of the criticism in this section. The critic should please note that public office holders and government officials have to deal with a lot of pressure in their work, so they are understandably upset if the criticism is lacking tact and diplomacy. Hence, if any the people below interprets any statement in this section as an attack on the character of the office holder:
* the officer holder himself,
* his relatives
* his friends
* PDP high ranking officials
* relatives of PDP high ranking officials
* friends of PDP high ranking officials
then the entire criticism will be rejected.
In addition, a fine of N200,000 will be imposed on the prospective critic for attempting to (i) create undue heat in the policy with incendiary statements and (ii) destabilise the physical, mental and emotional well-being of a public officer of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
Section C: The prospective critic is expected to provide a detailed solution to the issue that he is raising. The details should include:
* an exhaustive quantitative and qualitative cost-benefit analysis using the Sarkozian method. This must provided by a firm approved by the Committee;
* a detailed breakdown of the cost of implementing the solution.
* a project plan showing the timeline and resources for implementing the solution, complete with Pagantian charts and Chi-Gamma graphs.
The prospective critic will submit the form, and the Committee will deliberate on the contents of the form, passing it round to all stakeholders before a decision is reached. Given the seriousness with which this work is viewed, the entire process should take no longer than 9 months.
If the prospective critic is successful in his application to publish his criticism, then he is free to publish his criticism.
However, he should note that if there is any violence anywhere in the nation within 24 hours of his criticism being published, that violence will be deemed to have been caused by his criticism and he will be liable to a jail sentence of unspecified length. If he attempts to evade this sentence, then the assistance of the persons whose details were submitted in item j of Form CG001 will be employed to track him down.
President Obasanjo went on to describe his measure as “a landmark for responsible freedom of expression in this country, as now there could be civil and restrained dialogue on matters of national importance”. He expressed his confidence that as the measure was implemented in the coming days, the citizens would immediately see the benefits of replacing “wild and baseless allegations” on the front pages of newspapers with “constructive criticism”.
There was mild drama when a reporter of a daily newspaper (not the Daily Amebo) asked the President whether he did not feel that the measures were too draconian and restrictive. At this, the President, visibly enraged, shouted at the reporter “You are a stubborn idiot! I have just explained the new measures on how to criticise the government, and you are still asking me stupid questions!” He then produced a horsewhip from the folds of his agbada, jumped over the table at which he was standing and proceeded to chase the hapless journalist from the room.
Commenting on the new measure, a prominent businessman, politician and philanthropist, Major-General Dr. (Alhaji) Evangelist Kanganka O. Kanganka declared that the President had once more shown his commitment to democracy.
“President Obasanjo has once more shown that he values the free expression of ideas and beliefs in this country. In fact, I believe this measure will lead to unprecedented levels of free expression as people like me who have hitherto felt that I should not condescend to soil my reputation by expressing ideas using the same media as the common man will now be able to do so”.
Asked whether this meant that the common man did not have ideas worthy of expression, Chief (Barrister) Evangelist Kanganka said “Of course he does not! All he wants to know is why the price of everything is high. Such things are not interesting. What we need to hear more of is what a wonderful job our President is doing.”
|
|
Last Updated (
Thursday, 24 April 2008 ) |
|
Authors 
Posted by Robot| 27.04.2008 02:00