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I met Haruna in Lagos at the First Royal Hotel. The hotel was on Airport Road in Ajao Estate, just five minutes drive from the International Airport.
It was my fifth day at the hotel. I had run out of money on the third day but managed to stay on credit for a fourth and fifth day. I am ashamed to tell you what I did with all my money but that’s a story for another day. A sixth day on credit was out of the question because the management had informed me, in very clear language, that I had overstayed my welcome. I was ordered to vacate the premises right away.
My taxi was waiting outside the gates. Wearing my best suit, with my briefcase in my hand, and rolling one piece of luggage along, and feeling really small and ashamed, I sheepishly stopped, on my way out, to say goodbye to the two girls working as receptionists for the morning shift. Aware that I had nothing to give them, the girls were politely telling me to get the hell out of their faces when two men walked into the hotel arguing at the top of their voices. One man was fat and wearing traditional clothes; the other was wearing a faded green badly-tailored suit that had clearly seen better days.
“Ah, welcome Oga Haruna, long time no see” the girls at the reception desk chorused in unison after the fat man. I forgot the girls and they forgot me as our attention was diverted towards the new entrants.
Haruna was angrily shouting at his companion as they walked in: “Na wayo you dey do! I no dey play oo. Now, now bring am my Five Thousand Dollars! Walai talai, I get dagger for my trouser. I no want trouble lai lai. Bring am five thousand! So you wan get more money pass me. No be me get the house wey we take plan the thing? No be my brother bring the business? Why you go cheat me like that? Why you go cheat me? Bring am my Five thousand. You dey craze? We divide the money for two, but you use wayo cheat me. I no wan dogo turenchi. No make me vex!!”
The other man, somewhat subdued, was less combative. He kept waiving a piece of paper in the air: “We no sign this contract? Abi we no sign this contract? I get intelligence for business wey I take correspond and then come facilitate so that voila the deal come mature well well. You and me no sign contract for profit, divide and share? Cool down…”
“Chief,” Haruna warned, “no make me vex oo. I don talk finish. Dogo turenchi! Na big English we go eat? Every time na so so big big English you dey ‘nack. Make I tell you now, I don tire for that your nyanga. Talk the thing wey I go hear. Bring am five thousand!!”
When Haruna pulled out his dagger, Chief ran behind me. My brief case and luggage fell all over the place. The girls frantically pleaded with Haruna to calm down. He was increasingly excited, aiming the dagger at Chief as Chief darted from one side to another behind me holding on to me. I am ashamed to admit that I was more concerned about the wrinkles he was forcing on my expensive suit than for his safety.
Thinking quickly, I pulled out my
Washington
,
DC
drivers’ license and flashed it in front of Haruna. It worked, maybe because I was wearing my best suit. Suddenly he stopped, apparently mistaking the license for a symbol of a Nigerian law enforcement agency. I quickly slid the license back into my pocket. Wearing as serious a countenance as I could muster, I said to them “Gentlemen, what appears to be the cause of this breach of peace? Your conduct is tantamount to a violation of City Ordinance number LCO-6639 of 2004” I really got the attention of everyone, including the girls who were now looking at me with a new-found respect.
Still huffing and puffing, and still brandishing his dagger, Haruna took me into a small waiting room near the reception area. He explained that he and Chief were business partners. He adamantly refused to tell me what type of business but, putting two and two together, I was certain that it was an illegal venture. He explained that, three weeks earlier, he and Chief had realized the sum of Twenty Six Thousand Dollars from the business and that Chief was determined to cheat him. Meanwhile, as Haruna narrated his story to me, Chief remained at the reception area with the girls, still fearful, watching us suspiciously.
At the mention of the Twenty Six Thousand Dollars, my interest was sharpened. The wayo in me began to plot even before I heard the whole story.
“What happened to the money? I asked in a fake baritone just to appear important. He explained that they had divided the money equally, with each partner receiving Thirteen Thousand Dollars. Then Chief had asked for an additional Five Thousand Dollars. He and Chief had signed a contract for Chief to get an extra Five Thousand Dollars because he was the partner who could read and write and he wrote all the business letters. He explained that he had voluntarily given Chief the Five Thousand Dollars from his own Thirteen Thousand Dollars. At this time, I still did not understand what the problem was.
“You agreed that Chief would get Five Thousand Dollars more and you paid him. What seems to be the problem then, sir?”
Haruna looked at me as if I had gone mad: “You no see am? Chief use wayo cheat me. When I reach am for my house, my wife come call me mugu; my wife come show me how Chief cheat me. I see am. Na ‘em I come say to Chief ‘give me the Five Thousand Dollars’.”
He showed me the contract that he and Chief signed. It read:
If the business makes profit, Haruna and Chief, as equal partners, will first divide the profits between themselves; but whenever the business makes more than 20 Thousand Dollars, Chief, as the managing partner, will also receive 5 Thousand Dollars following the division of the profits between Haruna and Chief. (signed Haruna/Chief)
“Sir”, I said, now exasperated, “I still don’t get it. How did Chief cheat you if you signed a contract to pay him an extra Five Thousand? How?”
He gave it to me: “If you come add my 5 thousand for him own 13 thousand, you go see say him get 18 thousand. But me I get only 8 thousand remain after I remove the 5 thousand from my 13 thousand. If him get 18 thousand e come mean say him get 10 thousand pass me. You see am? 18 minus 8 mean say him get 10 thousand more. But he suppose get only 5 thousand pass me. We sign contract say him go get 5 thousand pass me not 10. You see am? My wife say na wayo him do me. My wife go school well well … But I no see before say Chief na kparawo…”
Suddenly, I realized that he had a point routed in his understanding of the written contract. He (or rather his wife) understood the contract to mean that: Haruna and Chief must first divide the money into 2 with each person getting half; then Haruna would give Chief 5 Thousand Dollars; but in the end Chief’s total take must not exceed Haruna’s take by more than 5 thousand Dollars. I thought that this was a reasonable understanding and it was exactly how the partners shared the money; but mathematically the end result left Chief with 10 Thousand Dollars more than Haruna.
When I took Chief aside to ask him for his version of the facts, he insisted that he received the 5 Thousand Dollars as the contract required. He blamed Haruna’s wife for planting the misunderstanding in Haruna’s head and swore that Haruna would get the money back only from his dead body. He said that his understanding of the contract was similar to Haruna’s wife’s understanding with one exception: he also understood that the 5 Thousand Dollars from Haruna to himself should not be the limit by which his final share would exceed Haruna’s share, otherwise the contract would not have required that the partners must first divide the money equally. That too made sense.
Finally, and thinking about myself, I brought them both together in the small room. I told them that they had violated the law. “Let me see the 5 Thousand Dollars now,” I said as authoritatively as I could.
They both ignored me while silently regarding me with suspicion.
“Gentlemen,” I said with a fake display of anger “have you heard of the Rule Against Perpetuities, Habeas Corpus, Subpoena duces tecum, and Res Ipsa Loquitur? Have you? You have violated all these laws. The law is not merciful to fools. Let me see the Five Thousand Dollars now!!!” They both began fidgeting and scratching their heads, not quite sure of what to make of me.
At this time, an idea came into my head. I opened my brief case. With the cover shielding their eyes from what I was doing, I started pressing some burtons on a hand-held battery-operated gameboy that I had bought for my nephew. It released some sound as each button was pressed. As I pressed each button, I looked at their faces. Now alarmed, Haruna whispered to Chief: “Bring the money give am.” When Chief protested that he did not have the money with him, Haruna said “Na lie. Open that bag wey you carry. I see am. Na lie.”
“That money is evidence”, I said. “Let me see your bag”. At this time, he reluctantly fished out a bundle of dollar notes tied together with a rubber band and handed it to me.
“Gentlemen, you can choose one of three solutions:
First solution, you can now see that Chief has exactly 13 Thousand Dollars left and you Haruna have 8 Thousand Dollars. That means that Chief has 5 Thousand Dollars more than you Haruna. You can walk out now and never look back. That is one solution to your problems. Second solution, you both can come to the headquarters with me and see my Inspector so that the legitimacy of your business, under all the laws, can be established before a proper interpretation of the contract that you signed can be rendered. Third solution, Haruna can get rid of his wife because she is the cause of all these problems and I can help him do it. Which solution do you prefer, gentlemen? Don’t forget the Hausa proverb that an egg in the mouth is better than a chicken in the coop.”
As they made up their minds, my heart pounding, I began to read the novel, Easy Come Easy Go, by James Hadley Chase.
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Posted by Robot| 20.05.2007 14:08