I would like to take all the credit for this piece, but truth be told, I had some help.  Though I had been thinking about this piece, it was not until Dammy Odetola of Michigan came up with the title that I started giving it some serious thought.

As usual, I’m concentrating on Nigerians because I am one, and they are really the ones I know.  We as women are quick to talk about all the bad and wrong things men do; especially Nigerian men.  Nigerian men are not romantic, Nigerian men are not sensitive, Nigerian men are flirts and cheats, Nigerian men are heart breakers and liars….blah blah blah.  Yes, they are all these things (and even much more), but ladies, we have to give it to them, it’s not easy dealing with us.  With our hormones constantly going on roller coasters, it’s not easy keeping up with us. 

We are as uncomplicated as a two legged table (and you know a two legged table is damn near impossible); just when you think you have gotten it stabilized, it topples and falls.  Are Nigerian men unromantic?  Well, it depends on whose eyes are looking at it.  A typical Nigerian man’s idea of romance will be taking his woman out to the store (not a grocery store, please) and spending a lot of money on her.  An American man however will write his woman love poems (that do not include her being the only sugar in his tea or cockroach in his cupboard), buy her flowers, and take her out for romantic dinners, so you see, it all depends.

We as Nigerian women tend to forget the culture differences between us and the American women.  Expecting a Nigerian man to be as romantic as the American man is as redundant as a Nigerian man expecting us to be as “sexually open” as the American woman; it’s possible on both sides, but what are the odds?  I’m not saying that there are no Nigerian men who are very romantic, or Nigerian women who are sexually uninhibited.  We as Nigerian women tend to read in between the lines of what our Nigerian men say; the problem is that sometimes, there aren’t even any lines. 

But speaking of looking for greener pastures, I am beginning to agree with men that we (women) really do not know what we want.  I mean, when you ask a woman what type of man she wants, you would be surprised at the speed that the words would roll off her tongue.  But what will actually happen when this ideal man shows up in our life?  I’ll tell you what will happen.  Most of us will be excited for the first few months about the little things he will do like call us every morning to say ‘good morning, love’, or buy us flowers, but as soon as he stops, we get angry that he has changed.  We will talk with our girlfriends and come to the conclusion that all men suck, and they are all the same. 

The problem is that another guy would come by and buy us flowers, then without thinking, we would say “this one is different”.  Like hell, he is!  If every man is the same, why do we always think the next one will be different?  If truly we know what we want in a man, then why can’t we recognize it when it comes in a man?  Why do we always get excited over the most insignificant things, and leave the more important things yearning for our attention?  Why do we always chase after that which is not after us in any shape or form?  Why do we want a man to be in love with us and yet complain about him being ‘too in love’ with us?  Why do we always leave one guy for the other?  What makes us think that the angel we do not know is better than the devil we know?

I met a girl who has a boyfriend that any other woman would be dying to have.  He buys her flowers and whisks her away to romantic settings (and yes, he is Nigerian).  She went on a four-day trip with her friend and got mad that her single friend was getting all the attention.  Well, duh!  She was single, was she not?  Anyway, she is now drooling over a man who cannot give her even a quarter of what her boyfriend is giving her.  I simply do not understand this.  What the hell is wrong with us?  Do we say what we want but mean the exact opposite?

I know a girl who had a boyfriend that loved her from here to there.  He would do just about anything to make her feel better.  She said she wanted to be married by 2008, and her boyfriend was more than happy at the news.  But how do I begin to explain to you that she temporarily fell out of love with him, and fell in love with someone who already had a girlfriend and said he will not be getting married till at least 2014?  She fell for someone who had absolutely nothing but bullshit to offer her.  Do we have veils of stupidity hovering over our heads that make us unable to reason rationally?  Needless to say, her veil of stupidity has fallen off, and she has come back to her good senses.  Can I get an Amen?

I’m not trying to make excuses for indecent behavior(s) on the part of our men, but sometimes I wonder if our men cheat because they want to or because we expect them too.  We obsess so much over our men cheating that we do not have the time to celebrate their fidelity.  Calling every woman that talks to our man a whore or a bitch will not stop him from cheating if he so desires; the only thing the name calling will do is expose our insecurity.  Endlessly slandering an ex-boyfriend/lover/husband and comparing his ill-mannered attitude to every other man (especially our current man) is the best way to say “I’ve got some serious baggage”, and trust me honey, there is nothing attractive about that.  Unfortunately, confidence is not a genetic factor; it’s something we learn as we grow, so I suggest you better learn quickly and pass it on to your children.

When the pendulum swings, we realize that the problems we have in relationships do not all rest on the shoulders of the men (even though we may want to believe they do).  We are also huge contributors to the trouble, and sadly, we are also benefactors of the disastrous end result(s).  It will be in the best interest of everyone involved if we realize what we want and actually mean it; or else, each of us would become “the bride that wasn’t”.  A fifty year old man can still find a woman to marry, but a fifty year old woman is considered “shagged out”, and unfortunately, simply considered to be expired.  Hey, don’t blame me; I did not make the rules.  I’m simply ‘shagging’ them.

Copyright © 2006 Vera Ezimora

verastic@yahoo.com

Robot  # 1 | 30.04.2006 00:36

...Read the full article.

Ajasco  # 2 | 30.04.2006 06:31

This is what is wrong with you, Vera. Women always expect men to give. Men always expect women to receive. But men are not eager to give. Women are too eager to receive. Men, silently want to receive. Women, absolutely detaste to give. Now, that is your checkmate.

tomr  # 3 | 30.04.2006 09:18

what? no responses? no lightning (or enlightening) bolts from the pens of our men? nor, for that matter, from our women? isn't there no MAN (forgive the double negative) writing to defend nigerian women - against what vera's written? surely, even if we men agree with her, there ARE things to be said for our women! as she said, not all nigerian women are carried away by insignificant and ephemeral things, and yes, most of us think flowers are something you see at a wedding, or on a tree in the garden (please, don't ask!)... and there are the cultural differences, i agree, but a lot of our women are also products of the environment that nurtured them... i have met some pretty hardened nigerian women in my time, and many frightened me - at the time. years later, i met (some) them, and found that they were just normal women, with the same desires and needs as any other women (insofar as any man can ever claim to know that - which is between here and the nearest door and no further), but unable to break free of the mould that nigeria and its social environment had cast them. on the other hand, many men, despite living in the west for so long, are unable to rid ourselves of inhibitions or exhibitions that were ingrained in us from birth back home. some of the most 'chauvinist' of men online here talk different tunes where their daughters are concerned. if it is someone else's daughter on the receiving line, that's all right then. some of my more vociferous friends find my derision at their prolixity on the subject bewildering - i know too well what they would do (or rather, want to do if the law permitted) if someone treated their daughters the way they spoke. we all - men and women (and not just nigerians) - find ourselves in an era where the normal rules of courtship have long been abandoned, where snap judgement takes the place of careful checking out, where you lose out if you don't move in, where... argh! i don't speak anything new... a little sympathy would not be amiss for those who have gone down that road and cannot or would not change. we are all the worse for it, and at the end of the day, we are left with wishes for what could have been. nigerian women and men are part of the normal distribution curve of human beings - maybe a little skew to our distribution here and there, but part of it all the same. we will continue to stumble on. i, for my part, hope that my daughter finds a good man, preferably a nigerian... failing which, any good man will do.

tomr  # 4 | 30.04.2006 09:23

p.s. i don't disagree with vera's opinion, just that i draw a different conclusion from the seeming perpetual standoff... and i note that, despite all, some nigerian men and women do find each other.

Naija for life  # 5 | 30.04.2006 11:08

Vera, you wrote, Anyway, she is now drooling over a man who cannot give her even a quarter of what her boyfriend is giving her. I simply do not understand this. What the hell is wrong with us? Do we say what we want but mean the exact opposite? Because to say what you really mean would be unthinkable. I mean, how can any woman possibly bring herself to say this: "I know that many men desire to treat me like a lady, to treat me like I've always wanted to be treated, but what I really want is a "bad boy" who will treat me like crap, and who won't bother with such "nonsense" like sending flowers or even trying to provide for me." I definitely know of what I speak in this regard. If you have not been accused of being too nice by your girlfriend, like I was once was, you might be inclined to disagree, but, trust me, a lot of women contrary to the nonsense they like to spew about wanting a good man, secretely pine for the fifty cents and the Mafioso of the world. She fell for someone who had absolutely nothing but bull**** to offer her. Do we have veils of stupidity hovering over our heads that make us unable to reason rationally? As a matter of fact, you do. Afterall, why would any woman sacrifice her dignity and integrity for the pleasure of screwing a man simply because he plays in a band, is a member of a team, or sings so meliflously? How many women ever affect any excitement about stable, reliable professional types like accountants, unless they are in their thirties and their biological clocks are harassing them beyond control? Don't you always yearn for the no good, jobless, disfunctional, nihilistic so-called rebels who eschew stability, but promise a warped idea of excitement? we all - men and women (and not just nigerians) - find ourselves in an era where the normal rules of courtship have long been abandoned, where snap judgement takes the place of careful checking out, where you lose out if you don't move in, where... argh! Tomr Let me politely disagree with you. The normal rules of courtship have not changed. The onus is still on men to initiate and prosecute it to its conclusion, which (in the western world) sometimes takes the form of the man getting down on bended knee to propose marriage to his girlfriend. (The day Nigerian men adopt this practice is the day I will renounce my Nigerian citizenship). Women talk a lot of gas about equality, but have yet to demonstrate a dime's worth of walk. They have certainly kept their campaign for equality well clear of the dating arena. They are still quite content to let you initiate the relationship, pay for their food and drinks, and do the rest of the heavy lifting prior to the consumation of the relationship. Yep, when it comes to relationships, passivity overwhelmingly defines the mantra of these so-called independent women. I think the author hit the nail right on the head with her reflections. The question is, when are men going to draft the declaration of independence that will liberate us from the thraldom of feminist hypocrisy?

Verastic  # 6 | 30.04.2006 11:28

Naija4Life, What you wrote was painful to read, but you wrote the truth. Of course, not all women are that way (just like not all men are bad), but we (women) tend to lose our good senses over a 'bad boy', a 'tall boy', or a 'foine boy'. While excitement is important in a relationship for both parties involved, it should not be the foundation of the relationship. Thanks for your comments.

pukpabi  # 7 | 30.04.2006 17:03

Folks, This might sound caustic, but who says the truth is always romantic. From the hunting and gathering period of our ancestors to this period of the so-called sexual revolution, nothing has changed except we want to fool ourselves. The men are the hunters, and women gatherers. The method may have changed, but the concept remains the same. Any deviation from this is simply disaster. We have, and the consequences are their for all to see. Men should not complain of what women are doing, neither should women complain of men's inadequacies. Infact, no one complains if each play their roles. It is the duty of a man to "tame" a woman, and she will respect you. Men, if your woman cannot look up to you, you are finished. How do you do the taming? Simply by being the MAN. I am not going to teach you how to be the MAN. Remember, you should look for your missing rib. Men, do not go out looking for a doctor, or a lawyer to marry just because you have calculated how much she is going to make. This is "marital suicide". However, it is okay if a woman does that, because these professions in these day and age represent strenght, courage, and power which women naturally crave for. I have never, and will never whine about what women do. I have been a victim, and I never looked back, until I found my missing rib. Women will always be women, and I believe men should always be men, providers and protectors, period. Every other thing is embellishment. Paschal Ukpabi, JD

Obugi  # 8 | 02.05.2006 21:28

@Naija for Life, u wrote: As a matter of fact, you do. Afterall, why would any woman sacrifice her dignity and integrity for the pleasure of screwing a man simply because he plays in a band, is a member of a team, or sings so meliflously? How many women ever affect any excitement about stable, reliable professional types like accountants, unless they are in their thirties and their biological clocks are harassing them beyond control? Don't you always yearn for the no good, jobless, disfunctional, nihilistic so-called rebels who eschew stability, but promise a warped idea of excitement? The truth is that Negro/Black Women in America and the West generally do not have much to gain from marrying Black/Negro men. Let's overlook the fact that the govt will provide welfare, housing 4 needy women; truth is that they are outperforming men economically, so the only thing they need from men is sex. When looking 4 sex, of course it is completely natural that they choose the most handsome/physically attractive men they can find. They r not looking 4 men who treat them badly or who r irresponsible. It is just that the men they choose r attractive, and these men know they can act anyhow and suffer no consequences with regard 2 to their ability 2 attract women. They can cheat on, beat these women, steal their money.......and the women will still be begging 2 suck their diiick. The bolded part of ur quote is very true. By this time the handsome Casanova has moved on 2 younger and prettier women. It never surprises me on the few times I attend Church (Weddings or Christening ceremonies) how many down dirty young women I attended College with now claim to b born again. These are women who I saw with my own very eyes at times debase themselves worse than any whore during their most desirable and youthful days, women who swallowed my ejaculate, now they're up in church screaming how they found Jesus and kissing their husbands and kids with the very same mouth. Now they have turned 30 and suddenly find Jesus and r born again. Ewa! Such is life. The amazing thing is that these Tokunbos always find a willing fool 2 take their dirty azz. The question is, when are men going to draft the declaration of independence that will liberate us from the thraldom of feminist hypocrisy? I already did that, and the thing is I've discovered that I'm exactly what women r looking 4, never mind the protestations. They want 2 be tamed and controlled. I'm tired of waiting 4 Black Men 2 take back their primacy in our society, most have already lost the battle. I mean, how many Black Men r the major breadwinners in their households in America? The scary thing is, the performance gap is widening. So why will a Black Woman in America treat a Black Man with any respect? Get Yours! Obugi.

Soul Sista  # 9 | 03.05.2006 00:05

Obugi, I am trying to understand your point. So because a woman was with you, she must not kiss her hubby and kids anymore? Wetin concern agbero with overload? And what is so razz about these women if you were with them? This is nothing more than the usual double standard that men apply. And, because women prefer to be silent on issues like this, men get lulled into a false sense of security that they are the only ones playing the game. If only the knew. I would imagine, although one can never know these things, that you and these women had fun when you had your "connect." And that you both moved on. What is the yahwah? The more I read people make statements like the one you made, the more I wish I could do some anonymous expose about the cemetries buried in the cupboards of such people's wives and girlfriends. I have a Nigerian male friend now who thinks he is all of that. Yet, his girlfriend is checking big time. In fact, it was someone whose friend she was checking with that saw her in my house and told me. And let us say she was even checking better, no o. She was checking as per when the bobo comes into town, she is his night cap. Yet, this my friend will never stop talking about women that are razz and how all those girls that he did this and that to before, he cannot believe that they are married. Yet, the woman who he is about to get married to is exactly that kind of woman to another man. I laugh!

What?  # 10 | 03.05.2006 05:26

Madam SS, let me speak on behalf of Obugi and other men that refuse to be mugus. If a female spends her youth distributing yansh to Alhaji, Senator, General, NBA wannabe, EPL wannabe, disrespecting herself, and showing a complete lack of class, what does she expect after whoring herself out, respect, adulation? Your male friend's wife is a perfect example of what happens when some man is suckered into believing the basic character of an adult will change. You just reinforced the reason why skanks get no respect, sorry. There are plenty of old men, money-miss-road politicians and illiterate traders made good who love these women, so nothing spoil.

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