It seems like just yesterday January fourteenth rolled around the corner and I had to turn plus one, but now we are almost at the end of September.  In four months time, I will be confronted with turning plus one again.  God does not give me the option of getting older without turning plus one.  I want to get older; I want to be more mature; I want to be wiser; I want to get the experience one only gets by spending more time on earth, but I do not necessarily want my age to go higher – at least not at the rate that it goes.  Perhaps, I will feel better if it took eighteen months to turn plus one instead of twelve months.

I am not a child, and I do not wish to go back to my childhood; however, I am really just a kid at heart.  The thought of being married excites me; the thought of having a man to call my own fascinates me; the thought of having children that come out of me thrills me, but even more than all that, the thought of leaving my parents terrifies me.  Yes, I want to start a family of my own, but I still want to live with my mommy.   Who will rub my back when I am feeling down?  Who will rub my feet?  Who will play with my hair?  The probability that my husband will do all these is not very high – unless my husband happens to not be Nigerian which is highly unlikely.  I am tempted to get into all the reasons why my mother might be a more romantic husband, but I will save that for another day.

The older I become, the more often I hear that question that no girl ever wants to hear (especially if she does not know the answer to it), “so when are you getting married?”  My best friend is getting married in a month’s time, and I have stopped telling people about it because it always leads them to ask me the question I do not want to hear.  I do not know when I will be getting married.  I do not know how I will be proposed to.  I do not know where or when I will be proposed to. But most importantly, I do not know to whom I will be getting married.  But no one asks me who I will be getting married to; everyone is concerned about when.

Things have gotten so bad that my own father gave my number to his friend who has a son.  My father told me all the supposed good things about his friend’s son – he is in the military (is that supposed to be a good thing? I hear the military guys are all whores); he flies planes for the military (Oh great!  In addition to possibly being hit by a stray bullet, he also runs the risk of dying in a plane crash); he is Igbo (so what?  I hear they do not make them like they used to anymore.  But then again, were they ever really that good?); he is in med school (how nice!  I can look forward to my potential husband spending all his time in the hospital.  And let us not forget the student loans), but my father failed to tell me if his friend’s son was single and looking.  I guess all that mattered was the relationship between my father and his father.

I concluded that the guy would have to be really desperate to actually call me.  I mean, what would he say when he calls me?  “Hi, my name is ---, and I got your number from my father who got it from your father who said we should mingle and see where this might lead to.”  Yeah, there goes the introduction I have been waiting for all my life.  I did not expect him to call; he never did call, and my mind forgot the issue.  But then months later, my father asked me if he had called, and that was when I remembered him.  I am ashamed to admit this, but a part of me was sad.  Why did he not call??  He should have at least called to hear my voice.  He should have at least considered the possibility of God working in mysterious ways.  Yes, indeed, I am pathetic, I know.  So that was how my relationship with the flying military man in med school ended before it got a chance to start.

Like I stated earlier, my best friend is getting married in a month’s time; another close friend of mine is getting married this Saturday (September 29th 2007), and yet another friend is getting married in November.  Everyone has been asking the same question, and I am sick and tired of saying I do not know.  Besides, saying I do not know only prompts the one asking to ask another unanswerable question, “Why now?”  What the heck?!  I can go ahead and explain to anyone who cares to hear that I have an idea of what I want my wedding gown to look like; I know the exact engagement and wedding ring I want; I know where I want to do my traditional marriage; I know what I want the ceremony to be like; I know what I want the white wedding to look like; I know what kind of marriage I want to share with my husband, and I even have an idea of the songs we will play that day, the names of our children, and how many I want to look like me (I want at least one boy and one girl to look like me)!

In fact, I also know that I want five children (including a set of twins).  I am so sure of my twins that I have secretly started calling myself Mama Ejima or Mama Ibeji.  Yes, I have claimed it already.  All I need now is the ‘who’, but no one is asking me that.  I guess all that matters is that I know when I will be getting married.  Finding the ‘who’ should not be too difficult seeing as I have thousands of men knocking my door down and asking my parents for permission to pluck the ripe flower in their garden.  Yeah, right!

My friend Uche (who will probably kill me when she sees her name in this article) has been single for the longest time.  She has been so single that I have started wondering if she has died and just does not know it.  Perhaps, she is a ghost and I am the only one who can see her.  Why else would able-bodied men keep passing her by and not asking her if she is at least in the market.  But that all recently changed.  Uche went on a date on Friday (September 21st), and he was an able-bodied young man. Not only did Uche go on a date, but she also has another guy begging for her attention.  Uche is still single to my knowledge, but the difference is that she now has potential boyfriends.  Suddenly, Uche’s new wave of ‘manfullness’ has given her the confidence to have pity on me.  She said she will help me out of my predicament.  I did not even know I had a predicament!

How am I supposed to tell people when I will be getting married if I do not even have a man to propose?  Or am I supposed to propose to myself and marry myself?  That would actually not be such a terrible idea since I consider myself the best partner anyone can ever dream of, but I cannot afford the ring I want.  Besides, I kind of need a man to have the five children that I plan on having, and going to a sperm bank is out of the question. Another perk of getting married is the tax breaks that married couples get.  Who does not want or need a tax break?  I know I do.  Oh well, I guess I would just have to wait for my darling to show up.  I have to say it is taking him a mighty long time to get here, but with all the humidity and global warming occurring, transportation must have slowed down.  That is my story, and I am sticking to it.

Of course, if I could have a meeting with God, I would suggest He creates a Custom-Made Spouse program – a program in which people – men and women alike – can create their partner just as they want him or her.  But I know this is merely a fantasy that will never come to pass.  But if for any reason God decides to create such a program, I will not mind being the first to utilize it.  Heaven knows I am in dire need of it.  Until then however, I will just have to wait for my darling like every other woman out there.

So when am I getting married?  Beats me.  But if you find out, do let me know, please.

Comments are generously welcome.

verastic@yahoo.com

443-834-7374

Robot  # 1 | 26.09.2007 17:55

It seems like just yesterday January fourteenth rolled around the corner and I...Read the full article.

IgoTalk  # 2 | 26.09.2007 18:52

Vera!! Where have you been? Glad to see you again on NVS displaying your typical wit and humor :-) Maybe if you put your picture somewhere on the web and stop hiding behind that green eye you keep showing all of us...just maybe that could do the trick? Alternatively...when you complete your first book and make lots of money...and I mean LOTS...the bobo will be attracted like magnet! Will check your blog for more updates :-) You-know-who

surulere007  # 3 | 26.09.2007 22:28

my number is ... great story. highly hilarious. seriously... my number is

hugo  # 4 | 27.09.2007 15:07

I feel that one common thing about a lot of Nigerian writing (articles, essays, etc) is how we tend to use big words, making it difficult for things to flow. This article is so well written, and in simple language. It's funny too. Great stuff!

Auspicious  # 5 | 27.09.2007 15:30

So when am I getting Married? As soon as you tell me "YES!" :D Auspy.

aringaranso  # 6 | 28.09.2007 04:30

Hi Vera, I think I will get married when I meet , a girl who can cook egusi and bitter-leaf soup "jeje". a girl who understands that the man is divinely made to be the head of the family a babe who understands that to be submissive is not to be in servitude. a babe who is up to 5ft8.----not too important sha, though a plus a damsel with a good sense of dressing---Very Important some one in-between "lekpa-shandy" and the size of "aunty jumaima of Fuji House of commotion" Of course, someone who is not nagging----extremely important As for me, i bi original TDH---Tall,Dark and Handsome....and heir-apparent to one of the biggest estate east of the Niger. The estate is equivalent to Phelan´s estate in John Grisham's novel "The Testament". Vera, please are you from Adazi-Nnukwu.......hope I´m not intruding?

Gentle Angel  # 7 | 28.09.2007 05:31

So when are you getting married? Well only God knows.

Toku.A  # 8 | 28.09.2007 06:34

The writer just hit it. Many prefer the when to the who. The last paragraphs were serious but really witty. So let me ask you the question you have been yearning for Who are you getting married to, and one fisi When will you say yes to Auspicious?

Verastic  # 9 | 28.09.2007 12:14

Igo Talk: My dear, I pray to God that I make LOTSSS of money. In fact, I have to make LOTSSS of money. How else will I be able to afford my Range Rover? LOL. However, I don't want him 2 be attracted to after I make money; I don't wanna be wondering why my husband is with me (4 love or 4 money). It kinda kills the romance. As 4 my picture, the green eye should be enough o. At least, if u were to ever see my green eye on the street, you would recognize it...me rather. Thanks for reading, love. Surulere: Thanks for reading! I'm glad you like(d) it. Hugo: The most important thing in writing for me is that the people reading enjoy the article. Since you have enjoyed this article (and laughed too), my job here is done. Thank you ever so much 4 reading. I truly appreciate it. Auspicious: I'll say yes as soon as you propose. So when is that gonna be? Aringaranso: Well, lemme see... I can cook egusi 'jeje' but that bitter leaf soup...onwe kwa k'odi (e get as e be) Of course, the man is made to be the head of the family; there is no contesting that The bible calls 4 us (women) 2 be submissive...so why not if not? I'm three inches shorter than 5'8" I'll like 2 believe I've got a good sense of dressing (although there was that one time I wore hot pink and lime and I looked like a jumbo highlighter out of Office Depot LOL) I'm not 'lekpa shandy' and I have no clue who aunt Jumaima of Fuji House of Commotion is...or what she looks like I don't nag...or so I believe ...and finally Mr. Original TDH, yes, I am from Adazi Nnukwu. Gentle Angel: Yes indeed, only God knows when I am getting married. Toku: My dear, I wish I knew who I will be getting married to. That would surely save me some time. If only God could just gimme a clue.... I promise I won't bother him about this issue anymore. And I'll say yes to Auspicious when he proposes.

aringaranso  # 10 | 28.09.2007 20:24

=Verastic;20914616>Igo Talk: My dear, I pray to God that I make LOTSSS of money. In fact, I have to make LOTSSS of money. How else will I be able to afford my Range Rover? LOL. However, I don't want him 2 be attracted to after I make money; I don't wanna be wondering why my husband is with me (4 love or 4 money). It kinda kills the romance. As 4 my picture, the green eye should be enough o. At least, if u were to ever see my green eye on the street, you would recognize it...me rather. Thanks for reading, love. Surulere: Thanks for reading! I'm glad you like(d) it. Hugo: The most important thing in writing for me is that the people reading enjoy the article. Since you have enjoyed this article (and laughed too), my job here is done. Thank you ever so much 4 reading. I truly appreciate it. Auspicious: I'll say yes as soon as you propose. So when is that gonna be? Aringaranso: Well, lemme see... I can cook egusi 'jeje' but that bitter leaf soup...onwe kwa k'odi (e get as e be) Of course, the man is made to be the head of the family; there is no contesting that The bible calls 4 us (women) 2 be submissive...so why not if not? I'm three inches shorter than 5'8" I'll like 2 believe I've got a good sense of dressing (although there was that one time I wore hot pink and lime and I looked like a jumbo highlighter out of Office Depot LOL) I'm not 'lekpa shandy' and I have no clue who aunt Jumaima of Fuji House of Commotion is...or what she looks like I don't nag...or so I believe ...and finally Mr. Original TDH, yes, I am from Adazi Nnukwu. Gentle Angel: Yes indeed, only God knows when I am getting married. Toku: My dear, I wish I knew who I will be getting married to. That would surely save me some time. If only God could just gimme a clue.... I promise I won't bother him about this issue anymore. And I'll say yes to Auspicious when he proposes. Hi Vera, Thanks for the answers. I appreciate and keep the articles coming Good to know that you even read your articles, others hardly do. Dalu

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