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...Read the full article.

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Veracity,

"Awon omo ele, eni pa wa si ilu ebo," meaning you sweet mamas no go kill us for white man country.You telling it as it is , eh?

On this man matter, some have become poets, and others have become diarists.Wetin remain na make we see the aggressor, wetin I mean be sey it is time make you sef learn to dey shallo di man.Please shock the Johns!!!

Abi Vera, all these lamentations in Sodom no go work, unless you go gomorrah on the man.For Wafi, abi na bende or benin woman dey shallo man , e no suppose hard.And for Italo many no give a damn.

Abi? End of story.

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Just wanted to say how good it feels to hear from you again. It was a very beautiful piece as usual.

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Good articulation of the female point of view, unfortunately this part is the problem

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I get very sad (more like enraged) when I see a woman in a relationship where she is giving her all to a man and getting almost nothing back in return. I mean, seriously, let us get real here; ask yourself these questions: why can’t he call? Why can’t he say I’m sorry? Why can’t he explain his actions? Why can’t he do it for me? Why can’t he accept my apology? Why can’t he understand where I am coming from? Why can’t he do it my way for once? Why can’t he be sweet to me? Why can’t he stop being malicious to me? Why can’t he remember my birthday? Why can’t he get me a birthday gift? Why can’t he spoil me? Why can’t he treat me the way I treat him? Why can’t he stop hurting me? Why can’t he love me back? Why??? My guess is that you cannot answer any of these questions rationally. Now ask yourself again – why can’t I stop loving him? Ladies, love with your heart and think with your head.

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The thing that attracts women to poor relationships is hidden deep in the psyche. That is why there are women on Maury Povich crying about their last ten abusive relationships like there are no other men out there. To solve a problem one has to accept that it exists and tackle it whatever it is, dependency, co-dependency, fixer-upper syndrome, find it, grab it, and fight with it. On the other hand there are men like Puffy, or is it Diddy these days, who take their current girlfriend(J-Lo at the time) to watch their baby-mamas(Kim Porter)deliver. I guess for the child support jackpot the rest was just "story" to her.

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beautiful article.i need to forward this to a friend who is going through hell right now because of the so called love for a man she has been with for 4 years.they are not married yet and he is making her cry every day.

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You couldn’t have said it any better.

I worked with this lady once at my former place of work and she got married in her early 40’s. I often made fun of her that the only reason she married late was because she was too hard on the poor men. She now told me her reason for marrying late. She said she was extremely picky and refused to marry just because. She had had several offers but she just wasn’t satisfied with what she saw. She said it wasn’t about the money because though her husband went to school and has professional degrees, he is not rich by any means. However, she said, the day she met him, she knew instantly that this might be the man. About 2 weeks into the relationship, she said it was clearer to her because things just fell into place. She said: “Love is not complicated at all. When I met my husband, he made me realize that love is not supposed to be complicated at all! He didn’t have to tell me, all he had to do was live it.”

First, I will acknowledge that God played a huge role in my ability to separate myself from what was making me attract the wrong guys. He made me realize that I had to love and forgive myself first. How could I love myself, when I was harboring sins against my own self? So I forgave myself and until I started loving me for me, I found out I was wasting time with all the losers I had been dating. With this, I made me, i.e. myself a priority. When I finally came to the reality of it, i.e. that “I” came first, things changed and have never been the same again. Number one: I stopped dating. Number two: I refused to let people introduce me to “men.” I took my time. I started taking sewing classes, took Organic Chemistry to challenge my brains a bit, I changed my wardrobe and started wearing a lot of Ankara clothes over the weekend (I find that I am sexiest in Ankara clothes more than in Western attire). I started going to Europe once a year and enjoying the Swiss Alps, Milan, Austria, London, etc. I was like if I cannot be happy with a man, I can be happy with myself. My whole outlook to life changed. A while later (it did not happen in no 6 months), I met and fell in real love with one of the nicest persons on the face of the earth. He is not perfect, but who is? I love him the way he is and he loves me too.

I have this friend who just falls prey to all these loser, cheating men! She constantly finds herself immediately in love with someone that she met 10 days ago. And she is 40 oh! I have tried to talk to her, to let her see reason that you, only you come first. You have to come to the realization that if you had no choice, you could be happy on your own. I don’t pry into her relationships, but when she lapses into depression and calls me to lament, I can only think to myself, how can you at your age still be so naïve as far as relationships are concerned? The last time anyone treated me the way she is being treated was when I was working in Lagos back in the early 90’s. I am not in any way making light of her situation oh, but I wish I could bash it into her head that she has the concept of a healthy relationship all wrong. How can you be dating a man who the only time he spends with you is to sleep with you? How can you be dating a man who will only come to your house if you cook him a spread or even if you say you are coming over, you must bring along a basket packed with delicious food in it? How can you be dating a man who keeps having female cousins and nieces over and when they are around, he has no time to call you?

Even though I have had my fair share of the “wrong type of guy” I must still say that me sef am not an eran riro (soft meat). I am hard! For me, I can pretty much tell that you are not serious early into the relationship. So once I find out, I ease my way on out. At times, the guys may not be serious about spending the rest of their lives with you, but they may be nice guys all the same and parting may be harder than one thinks. However, one’s happiness is the most important. I will not subject myself to something that will kill my self-esteem. The decision I made about loving me, is the best one I could ever have made because it brought so many other things into perspective.

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Vera,
I can't agree less with you.

Believe me, love is not that complicated. Relationships are not easy, but they are really not that hard either. When two people have understanding, patience, trust, and a big dose of maturity, love can not only be born, but can also be nurtured (by both partners, and for both partners) to reach its fullest potential. Forget about love at first sight; it does not exist.

It however disheartening to note that women love as if thir brain have been mortgaged.They love as if only ONE love exist. They get so carried away with the believe that Marriage or relationship is a Must and a Do-or- Die affair.I beg to say that Marriageand Relationship is neither a must nor a do-or die affair especially with a particular person. Our ladies must learn to raise their head up and stand up for what is good for them.

As a poor man (unmarried), you should not take anything right now that you will not take when you become rich (married). Your desire for meat should not lead you to call a cow your brother.

These words are the exact words my Mum tells me as pertaining to the way i relate with people especially ladies and some other relatives-uncles wife et.al And i think life will be more interesting if we can adhere to the saying.

Yours Faithfully.

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Thank you. A very good article. I wish this idea was immediately practical or viable.

But let us not forget where we are coming from,...Africa.

I enjoy the article, because of the sermon on the emphasis of a woman demanding respect, first of all by showing self respect and then demanding to be respected and not treated like a play thing or a foot mat.

Given that we are Africans;
where women are relegated to enter professions associated with women, i.e teaching (nursery and primary) or nursing or other caring professions, or customer service related jobs, catering e.t.c , working long hours with over time , in some cases, extensive physical labour..."Just be nice and keep smiling type of jobs" with less or no job security, once you are no longer smiling or incapacitated with injuries or other issues, then you are expected to turn to a man for support.

Secondly, women are in many African cultural and traditional practices, disinherited, with no right to family heirlooms, lands or other valuables, expected to get their own through marriage and security from having children.
Of course this explains the reason or motivation for many African womens' obsession with love, marriage, e.t.c. and why some really believe they can not do any better, even accepting verbal, serious psychological, in some cases physical abuse dished out to them by any thing.

Don't you really think, that most women have a long way to go, before they can treat themselves with respect and seriously expect the same in return. Rather than always being available and open for anything dished out by a man, in the name of love or whatever?
Let us be realistic and also understand our immediate socio-cultural limitations.

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I get very sad (more like enraged) when I see a woman in a relationship where she is giving her all to a man and getting almost nothing back in return. I mean, seriously, let us get real here; ask yourself these questions: why can’t he call? Why can’t he say I’m sorry? Why can’t he explain his actions? Why can’t he do it for me? Why can’t he accept my apology? Why can’t he understand where I am coming from? Why can’t he do it my way for once? Why can’t he be sweet to me? Why can’t he stop being malicious to me? Why can’t he remember my birthday? Why can’t he get me a birthday gift? Why can’t he spoil me? Why can’t he treat me the way I treat him? Why can’t he stop hurting me? Why can’t he love me back? Why??? My guess is that you cannot answer any of these questions rationally. Now ask yourself again – why can’t I stop loving him? Ladies, love with your heart and think with your head.

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As the soul crooner, Millie Jackson once sang:

"love is a dangerous game to play
when you're not playing by the rules...."

Then she had this piece of advice for folks who've been hurt/let down in a relationship and are thinking of getting even, or paying back their partners in their own coin:

"How can you pay back what you haven't borrowed?
Dont get even, get out!"

Personally, I believe some of the reasons people take 'crap' in a relationship are:

Low self esteem. Allied to this is the fear of being all alone, especially in the West, where the social/dating scene can be brutal for an immigrant female.

Deviousness also applies - in the sense that some people who feel that they have a whole lot to gain by sticking in a relationship with unrequited love, would rather hang in there. This, IMO, is no longer a relationship in the true sense of the word, but a business arrangement.

Thirdly (by no means lastly) some folks are simply not sufficiently experienced and/or exposed when it comes to matters of the heart, so they end up stumbling from 'pillar to post'.

DoubleWahala

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UNEDITED

I was in a bad relationship for about 7 years. I stuck in it. I threatened, I came right back for more. He stuck in it, he threatened, he came right back for more. I cheated, he cheated. He knew, I knew, yet we kept coming back to each other. No, it was not the sex, which was not so hot now that I know better and which we eventually used as a weapon (both of us). It was just terrible. No, it was not low self esteem. We wuz just plain crazy.

Looking back, I think I lost out the most. By giving 7 years of my life in a fanciful chimera with a guy that I knew that I would never end up with, I was not looking out at all the other opportunities out there to find a good man. I was not being a good woman either. I am so lucky that I found the good man to whom I am married. Many in my position did not.

I was not well treated. And, I should have left when I realized that this person was not ready to be a good boyfriend. He was not ready to do simple things like remember my birthday. He could never separate his friends form himself so it was almost like being in a relationship with awon boys. He was not ready to treat me as if I was special. I was just supposed to know that even in light of all evidence to the contrary. He was not ready to be helpful to me, to support me, to be a shoulder to cry on. Yet, he enjoyed all of this from me. I now have the distance of several years, and a good husband, to look back and reflect on what was wrong.

What was wrong was that I decided to stay on and make him see that I was worth being treated well. Wrong, wrong, wrong, o, devil in hell, wrong. You cannot change a man. A man wants to have to change to change. So, I decided to love him into loving me. I gave, and gave, and gave of myself because in my warped mind, that would cause him to love me. I mean, in my warped mind, there is no way one human being could be the recepient of such love and not love in return. What a lie? No, so he took and took and took and took. And with every taking, I resented him more and more. But, I was unwilling to give up.

It is a terrible and warped cycle to get yourself into. And, when I started resenting, I started having affairs too, I started doing things out of character. Note, I did not love him anymore. At least, I don't think. I think I was just used to him. I just wanted to get some love back for my years of love deposit in his bank. English is not my mother tongue. I am sure some of you women can kind of understand what I am saying. A small affair there a big one here but never anything that i could get caught on. And that caught his attention because he suspected i was having an affair with one of his friends. I was not, but I did not try very hard to disabuse his mind. Really fcuked up! Anytime, he suspected I was having an affair, he would sit up. Really fcuked up! Not break up o, sit up.

Then I would start being really mean to him. I would go for periods when I would just ignore him. And, then on and off I would give him what he used to call a "sympathy fcuk." I told you we wuz crazee. But it was just enough to keep hanging on. After a while, the tables will turn and I would be the one really trying hard to get his attention.

After about seven years, I had to move from the town where we were for work. And, for the first time in a long time, I had time to review my life and I decided that i was worth more than all this yo-yo playing with my emotions. No one told me. No one advised me. I just woke up one day and i decided to do me. I called him and told him it was over. I told him never to call me again. He thought it was a joke. But it was not. You see men in a relationship like that, one person is teh engine. And once the engine turns off, the relationship dies. I was the engine. i turned off. he made a feeble attempt to get back with me. and, then, he just fizzled out. it hurt but i had other priorities at that time. i needed to do me.

And, then, I just did me. I worked on myself. i did not have sex for over six years. you will be surprised what you can do without. honestly. i realized that i had used sex as a weapon. i had devalued myself. i needed to put sex in its proper perspective. i needed to understand why i had sex. i needed to understand the role of sex in a relationship. i refused to date anybody. i just did me. i rediscovered myself. i took up learning about interior decorating. i got another degree. i just did me. my life was just about me. i was not even noticing any men. it was just about me.

when he got married about a year and a half after i removed myself from the list of people that he should worry about (that is exactly what i told him over the phone) people told me. my friends visited with tissues expecting me to lose it. no, even i was surprised about how well i took it. sometimes, i am surprised that for someone that was so integral to my life at a point, i don't even know where he lives. i don't know his phone number. i don't know what he does. apart from the little i hear from our mutual friends. yet, this is someone that i wanted to kill myself for? is it worth it?

and while i was doing me, i discovered a nice old friend, a cousin of a neighbor who used to spend part of his holidays with this neighbor. after dating for two years, we got married. i respect me and so does he. marriage is not a bed of roses, but we have two engines so it works. when one breaks down, the other goes on and helps the broken one back to life.

don't sell yourself short. don't try to change anybody. don't get into a vicious circle like i did. don't become anyone's ho. don't devalue yourself. don't be so interested in recouping your deposit that you don't know when to cut your losses and run.

thanks vera for this article that permitted me to say my two cents on this topic.

Iyenguminam -- now I can talk!

Sisimi