I have never, ever been on a date. For someone who can describe a perfect date even while in the middle of REM sleep, it is rather appalling that I have never, ever been on a date. I have ‘hung out’ with guys, and I have been ‘taken out’ by guys, but I have never, ever been on a date. I do not think I have ever had a man say to me, “Let me take you out on a date.” If a man has said that, then there is only one reason why I cannot remember it: going on a date with him would have been a waste of my time and his. Either that or he asked for a date as if he was doing me a favor. He might have said something like, “Don’t worry, I’ll take you out on a date.” 

I have never, ever gone out on that date - that one where the dashing young man who is crazy about me just cannot wait to come and whisk me away from my house. We set our date for seven PM, but he shows up at six fifty-nine. He does not stay downstairs and blow his horn like a taxi cab. He does not call my cell phone and say, “I’m downstairs. Hurry up, I’m double-parked.” He comes to meet me upstairs with a surprise – not a bouquet of flowers. Flowers are wonderful, but they have become lazy gifts – the thoughtless things you give because you are too lazy to think of something thoughtful. 

He comes instead with something different – like a pack of starburst candy. It can be gotten for ninety-nine cents at the gas station, and it is my favorite candy. Or maybe he comes with that little paper that is tucked inside a fortune cookie – the one that tells one’s alleged fortune. I love those too. Maybe he comes with something blue (like nail polish); blue is my favorite color. What about a funny Nigerian movie? The simplest things in life can sometimes bring the biggest joy.

So he comes upstairs looking suave. He is not wearing a pair of extra-tight jeans that is squeezing the life out of his crotch, and neither is he wearing a pair of jeans that looks like it is begging to reach the ground. He’s dressed in a semi-formal way. We do not have to have the regular date which is dinner and a movie. In fact, I would prefer that we do not have the regular date. We could catch a play instead. If the weather is warm and time permits, we could go ride those little bumper cars. We could go listen to some soulful poetry. And I bet no one ever thought of this, but we could go to church. What better foundation to lay than God? Recently, church has been one of the best places I have attended.

After the date, he will take me home and walk me back to my house. He will not lurk around and hope for a nightcap, and he will not guilt me into asking him to spend the night by asking to see my album and then beginning to yawn in the middle of it while saying, “Boy, I’m so tired. I hope I don’t have an accident on the road and die.” He will not attempt to steal a kiss; this action has not worked out well for his predecessors. Many have tried, and just as many have failed.

He will instead give me a hug – one that says I-had-a-nice-time-and-I-hope-we-can-do-this-again-soon. He will proceed to plant a warm kiss on each eye. Kisses on the cheeks are so ordinary; I would rather have my eyes kissed. He may, if he wishes, stare at me for an uncalculated amount of time until I blush and flash him a smile, revealing my vote of confidence in him. He will then smile too and scratch his head - the scratch that says this-babe-is-scattering-my-head. And then, he will leave.

He will call me on his way home to thank me for such a fantastic date. I would decline his thanks and say that he owes me no thanks. I will thank him instead. For a few minutes, we will argue over who should thank who. We will agree to disagree. I will get off the phone and let him concentrate on his driving. As soon as I get off the phone, I will smile from ear to ear – the kind of smile I will not be caught doing while taking a picture. He will call me when he gets home to tell me he has gotten home. We will talk till two or three or four in the morning about anything, everything, and nothing. We will say our goodnights; I will fall asleep with the phone on my chest and dream dreamy dreams of my date. That is the kind of date I am talking about. I have never, ever been on a date like that – or anything remotely close to it. But obviously, I have had plenty of time to imagine it. 

These days, when men say they want to take you out on a date, they are already calculating how much you will have to pay them back in kind. I believe that taking a girl out on a date is not a necessity, nor is it a law. Whatever is worth doing, is worth doing well. If you must take her out on a date, do it right. What exactly is the point of taking a girl out and then asking her at the end of the date if she will come back to your place? Seriously, what the heck is that about? I find it rather insulting, and not to mention, amusing. But I cannot blame the men completely anyway. Some of us have been found to be flattered by such derogatory statements. That being said, I could not care less about anyone’s date right now. What I care about is mine – the one I have never been on.

Is it not a bit problematic that at my age, I have never been on a date? It is days like this one that make me wonder if my fears and preconceived notions are true: are there really no Nigerian or at least African men on E-Harmony dot com? That website has promised to match me on twenty-nine different dimensions of compatibility. That is a whole lot more than what I have been able to do for myself. And what about Match dot com? Dr. Phil has told me that it is okay to look there. So I have looked – but just at their home page. I am not quite ready to divulge into anything else yet. Chemistry dot com has vowed to find me a person who will make me go weak in the knees. Now, that is the kind of passion I want!

When I go on a date like the aforementioned one, I will have officially been on a date. But who will be brave enough to not only date me jeje, but also date me tender? That is the trillion-dollar question. This cannot be the conclusion of this story. I must come back and write about how I was jejely and tenderly dated. All I need to figure out now is the title of the upcoming write-up. Allow me, however, to end this one like a Nigerian movie: To God Be The Glory. Watch Out For Part II.

vera@verastic.com

www.verastic.com

P. O. BOX 7893

Essex, MD 21221

United States of America

443-934-9034

Robot  # 1 | 22.12.2008 06:39

It is days like this one that make me wonder if my fears and preconceived notions are true: are there really no Nigerian or at least African men on E-Harmony dot com? That website has promised to match me on twenty-nine different dimensions of compatibility. That is a whole lot more than what I have been able to do for myself. And what about Match dot com? Dr. Phil has told me that it is okay to look there. So I have looked – but just at their home page. I am not quite ready to divulge into anything else yet. Chemistry dot com has vowed to find me a person who will make me go weak in the knees. Now, that is the kind of passion I want!...Read the full article.

tanibaba  # 2 | 22.12.2008 08:44

Nice one. A soothing departure from all those big grammar and internet wrestling on NVS (sometimes i feel like i am going for a wrestling match). Lovely. And the gentle way in which you have signified the way to go to some of our single but searching members is appreciated. I will also look up those links; i hope they are not the phoney types or those that your respondents "pick race" immediately you type "nigerian". Anyway it is a lovely write up; a deserved tonic for the season. Dont tell me you are rushing us into the xmas mood. Anyway i cant wait to read the next part. Keep it coming plzeeeeeeeeeeeee taslim 9

Auspicious  # 3 | 22.12.2008 10:48

“Boy, I’m so tired. I hope I don’t have an accident on the road and die.” LOL! How about if Suspy goes out on the date with Seksy, hangs out a little at hers, yawns and makes to return home. And Seksy sees him off to the door, and, at the door, they do the gizilionth hug of the evening and pull themselves apart as they say their goodnights. But as he steps out the door, with a tone that flutters between concern and want, she goes: "You gon be ok driving back home?" And Suspy smiles goes "Oh yeah I'll be fine, thanks". But as he guns the engine and slowly backs-off her driveway, he goes "Oh gaddayemn!". -- Nice story, Vera. You ehn, you are just....(sigh!)..naughty! :D I WANT YOU! Auspicious.

OverLoad  # 4 | 22.12.2008 11:40

LMAO..... gurl a word of my unsolicited-sometimes-useless advise for you.....just get married to some decent 9ja dude dat comes along and have babies....end of story. All you just wrote na inside your dreams they exist and will remain..... buhhahahahahahahaha.... 9ja men are comedy I swear, I have never seen a set of men who cracks you up as them. Just wait till after the third date and they visit you, after 2mins of entry dem don dey move close to you, before you have the chance to turn around and pick up the remote control, they are already grasping you , you manage to escape by saying your ramen noodles is burning on the stove and you run for dear life then you come back and know well to sit 4yrds away from them across the room and ask about how the day has been and yaddi yaddi yaaa all those irrelevant stuff , u will just realise that you are the only one talking while hes sits there looking at you like a little bingo dog whose bone has just been stolen, some will even make little growling noise like **rrrrrrrrgggghhh..ow ow owk...** ...I swear Nigerian men crack me up...too funny a set of ppl. Abeg move on with life jor...all these dream-man na hollywood block busters..just find a 9ja man responsible enough , who would not relocate to Nigeria cos he doesnt want to pay child support , and has a decent job to feed the family if you wait for the xter in your dreams , u r looking at another 10yrs of single and lonely......in which case goodluck.....:D

tonsoyo  # 5 | 22.12.2008 12:00

I do not care how "MillsandBoonistic or Hollywoodistic your expectations sound you are one heck of a good writer and a fantastic dreamer. Dream on, your dream will at least keep you alive! This in particular captured my attention "He will not attempt to steal a kiss; this action has not worked out well for his predecessors. Many have tried, and just as many have failed" Really? I cannot remember how many times in my Pen'ta-gon days (pe ni ta- tay for outside before getting married) I have heard ladies say they love it when guys do that to them and that they hate timid guys. Most times I have tried it, it worked Yi-peeeeeee!!!. The only time it did not work I did not go back, the date was a bore anyway. You may never know who has failed, when those attempted stealing of kisses did not work. It probably still a reason you are still searching eHarmony and whatever. Guys love spontaneous women. Very soon you may have to send those instinctive guards to your mouth on vacation and deliberately open those stingy doors to your mouth wide open. It works, better than all eHarmony in the cyberworld!

omo naija  # 6 | 22.12.2008 13:26

"He will instead give me a hug – one that says I-had-a-nice-time-and-I-hope-we-can-do-this-again-soon. He will proceed to plant a warm kiss on each eye. Kisses on the cheeks are so ordinary; I would rather have my eyes kissed. He may, if he wishes, stare at me for an uncalculated amount of time until I blush and flash him a smile, revealing my vote of confidence in him. He will then smile too and scratch his head - the scratch that says this-babe-is-scattering-my-head. And then, he will leave" Vera why you come put my game like that on the internet, now i have to devise another of my gentlemanly game, that always get me some... it has worked in the past. Vera, you don win that special date with me, but i am going to go beyond that elementary game you stated above... you will be the one asking me, if i want to spend the night, instead of that well known trick of yawning... of course, i will gently say no, and plant my kiss in a place i will not yet disclose, and leave gasping for more...

ajis15  # 7 | 22.12.2008 13:37

=OverLoad;303196>LMAO..... gurl a word of my unsolicited-sometimes-useless advise for you.....just get married to some decent 9ja dude dat comes along and have babies....end of story. All you just wrote na inside your dreams they exist and will remain..... buhhahahahahahahaha.... 9ja men are comedy I swear, I have never seen a set of men who cracks you up as them. Just wait till after the third date and they visit you, after 2mins of entry dem don dey move close to you, before you have the chance to turn around and pick up the remote control, they are already grasping you , you manage to escape by saying your ramen noodles is burning on the stove and you run for dear life then you come back and know well to sit 4yrds away from them across the room and ask about how the day has been and yaddi yaddi yaaa all those irrelevant stuff , u will just realise that you are the only one talking while hes sits there looking at you like a little bingo dog whose bone has just been stolen, some will even make little growling noise like **rrrrrrrrgggghhh..ow ow owk...** ...I swear Nigerian men crack me up...too funny a set of ppl. Abeg move on with life jor...all these dream-man na hollywood block busters..just find a 9ja man responsible enough , who would not relocate to Nigeria cos he doesnt want to pay child support , and has a decent job to feed the family if you wait for the xter in your dreams , u r looking at another 10yrs of single and lonely......in which case goodluck.....:D Overload: Gosh, you are so funny. I was laughing so hard the person in the next cubbicle heard me. That was goood.

Alexa  # 8 | 22.12.2008 13:42

After the date, he will take me home and walk me back to my house. He will not lurk around and hope for a nightcap, and he will not guilt me into asking him to spend the night by asking to see my album and then beginning to yawn in the middle of it while saying, “Boy, I’m so tired. I hope I don’t have an accident on the road and die.” Whoa!!!I didn't know this was a practiced line used by blokes,and all this while I thought I had saved a life.I've certainly been had!!:D Good one Vera!Dream on jare,it costs nothing to dream.

charles4u  # 9 | 22.12.2008 13:57

=OverLoad;303196>LMAO..... gurl a word of my unsolicited-sometimes-useless advise for you.....just get married to some decent 9ja dude dat comes along and have babies....end of story. All you just wrote na inside your dreams they exist and will remain..... buhhahahahahahahaha.... 9ja men are comedy I swear, I have never seen a set of men who cracks you up as them. Just wait till after the third date and they visit you, after 2mins of entry dem don dey move close to you, before you have the chance to turn around and pick up the remote control, they are already grasping you , you manage to escape by saying your ramen noodles is burning on the stove and you run for dear life then you come back and know well to sit 4yrds away from them across the room and ask about how the day has been and yaddi yaddi yaaa all those irrelevant stuff , u will just realise that you are the only one talking while hes sits there looking at you like a little bingo dog whose bone has just been stolen, some will even make little growling noise like **rrrrrrrrgggghhh..ow ow owk...** ...I swear Nigerian men crack me up...too funny a set of ppl. Abeg move on with life jor...all these dream-man na hollywood block busters..just find a 9ja man responsible enough , who would not relocate to Nigeria cos he doesnt want to pay child support , and has a decent job to feed the family if you wait for the xter in your dreams , u r looking at another 10yrs of single and lonely......in which case goodluck.....:D First your picture is so funny but when I read your words then I knew that picture was just you. I laughed till my stomach starts to hurt me .... There are good men though...sometimes you female dont understand them good and you have to understand that sexual need is very important (my mom told me to always test b4 start any relationship)

Dewdrops  # 10 | 22.12.2008 14:49

=OverLoad;303196> LMAO..... gurl a word of my unsolicited-sometimes-useless advise for you.....just get married to some decent 9ja dude dat comes along and have babies....end of story. All you just wrote na inside your dreams they exist and will remain..... buhhahahahahahahaha.... 9ja men are comedy I swear, I have never seen a set of men who cracks you up as them. u will just realise that you are the only one talking while hes sits there looking at you like a little bingo dog whose bone has just been stolen, some will even make little growling noise like **rrrrrrrrgggghhh..ow ow owk...** ...I swear Nigerian men crack me up...too funny a set of ppl. Abeg move on with life jor...all these dream-man na hollywood block busters..just find a 9ja man responsible enough , who would not relocate to Nigeria cos he doesnt want to pay child support , and has a decent job to feed the family if you wait for the xter in your dreams , u r looking at another 10yrs of single and lonely......in which case goodluck.....:D he he he he he he he he he.. Reality sound bites I swear. Extremely good advice up there. All this dreaming is for the afterlife. :D:D:D

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