Next, I heard it was jogging that would rescue my body, and redeem my soul. I went once, or probably twice with Uche. We strutted round Charlton Park panting like escaped puppies for some minutes and went back home. We never went again and blamed it all on the London cold.

I now know that I have reached my breaking point, not only because my clothes don’t fit anymore but it is increasingly becoming difficult and expensive to find clothes that fit. Not with a busting 40-42 inches waistline and a 44 to 45 inches chest size. I now find myself shopping in special sections in retail outlets. Just the other day, I was passing by Moorgate tube station when I saw a big banner advertising suit sale. I joined other city workers and went inside. Sure the suits were on sale for £100 a pair, but that’s if you are size 54-56 and below. For the rest of us, the sizes 58 and above, ours cost from £150 and above.

“So what happened to the sale price?” I asked the owner of the shop? “Not for your size mate”, was his reply. Do I blame him?  A few metres away, I decided to try New Look, on the recommendation of Charles, my youngest brother. In I sauntered and still it was the same story. Well cut suits, good prices (some were on sale for under £50) but like expected, “Sorry sir, we don’t do your size”. The shop attendant offered kindly me a way out, “We can alter the seating of the trousers and the length, and also drop down an inch or so from the suit sleeves for you sir”. I thanked him and declined politely. If it doesn’t taste like Panadol, then it can never be the same thing as Panadol. I always believed that once you start tampering with a suit maker’s artwork by altering the suit, the fitting is never ever the same again.

My real moment of truth started recently in Lagos. It was at a clinic in Lagos where I had been sent to do a medical by a prospective employer. And so there I was feeling like a G, or rather the last African hero, excited at the opportunity to pull my shirt to impress the beautiful attending nurse.

Now guys, you know the way it goes during such occasions. You first hold your breadth as if about to take a military salute. And then, you do the magic belly roll-over only F men can do. You tweak the muscles of your stomach a bit, a warning sign to all the inhabitants in the groin area to cease all action in readiness for the crunch, and then you take a quick deep breadth sucking in every fat in your stomach in the process. As if being commanded by a magician with a wand, all the fat suddenly hide further under the skin, the muscles in the chest area contract a little to contort a fleeting T shape, the shoulders hunch themselves up a bit to reveal what in your imagination is Adonis, or rather the hunk of the moment.

This time, I was about to learn a shocking lesson. “Oga, please take off your shirt”. The buttons on my shirt were already coming off in rapid succession long before the nurse finished her instructions. I threw the shirt casually by the seat waiting to hear how I have toned and trimmed my body very well. There is no way I would believe that my 1-minute morning press-ups weren’t working (yes call me one minute man).

Nothing happened, I didn’t hear anything. Maybe she will still say it later, I consoled myself.

“Oga, please come and stand here, by this machine. Put your hands over here and hold your breadth”. I hauled my frame over to the X-Ray machine where she had pointed and obeyed.

Eternity later, she emerged from a small room. Her face did not give anything away. “Oga, please we will do it again”

“Why?” I asked her.

“Oga, it is the fat sir, it got in the way and blocked the view”.

I felt like cursing her but quickly realised that she had nothing to do with it. I had myself to blame. All these years, as a life-long member of the honourable society of armchair football pundits, I played my own footy from the couch, usually with the remote in the right hand, and a bottle of Star beer in the other. Nearby, you would find already demolished bowls of pepper-soup or whatever Uche would have arranged for the occasion, and there were many occasions. As a full package Sky subscriber, I made sure I enjoyed my money’s worth, from the Barclays Premiership to the Champions league etc.

Finally, the nurse saw whatever it was she was looking for and passed me on to the next section. It was time to go off to measure my weight and height. She did all that and took notes along the line.

Confidentiality required that the clinic only divulged their findings to the organisation that had sent me there. But I felt that this was an awakening, a rude one at that, especially after the nurse had combined my height  and my weight to read out my Body Mass Index (BMI), she declared me clinically obese. How nice to hear I told her sarcastically.

“Oga, make you try lose weight small”, she casually advised me. As if I needed her prompting anymore. When I finally sat down with the Doctor, an amiable fellow he was who showed some understanding of the challenges of living in today’s world – 24 hours TV Channels, Burger bars at every corner, fizzy drinks in different colours, shapes and sizes, work pressures etc. He gave me a few tips but which I interpreted to be subtle warning. I hear you Doc!

First, I’m starting with the food. Beer is out and in comes water, loads of it. I will miss my semo and okro soup but I have a life to save, and a body to take care of. I recently bought one of these cycling machines for £50 from ASDA, so far I hit it for 30 minutes every morning before leaving for work. It does feel good. I have also recently acquired a £3 pound skipping rope from the open market at Elephant & Castle, the weight bars I bought from Argos years ago but which have been lying unused in the balcony have all come out of their wrapping papers. I’m hoping by the time I finish to downsize super-size me.

Like they say, we only have one life to live; I sure do plan to look after mine starting from now.

http://thelongharmattanseason.blogspot.com/   February 2008

Robot  # 1 | 17.02.2008 19:07

var sbtitle7240=encodeURIComponent(This Thing ...Read the full article.

WaleAkin  # 2 | 17.02.2008 20:04

Uche, This is 01:04GMT and could not help but LOL at you! Its good to maintain a healthy BMI most especially against all these junk edibles we consume daily all in the name of living in the UK. I wish you all the best but to stop drinking beer is like not paying your mortgage, what follows is repossession! St Bottles Cathedral will surely miss you as the Vicar-In-Charge, the Rt. Revd. Tisha must conduct a farewell service for you. Cheers, Wale

emj  # 3 | 17.02.2008 20:17

Really Uche, it's not only the Obesed that need to exercise, we all need to on a regular basis....get some fresh air into your lungs and also do some power walks....dats for us lepa-shandy:lol::lol: http://www.scribd.com/doc/109407/The-5-rules-of-eating-to-lose-weight Anywaz, nice goings:wink:

Ebe  # 4 | 17.02.2008 20:25

Uche, some things are better left unsaid; some articles are better left unwritten. It is sometimes good to live in blissful ignorance--or pretended ignorance. I didn't have to be reminded that I broke my New Year resolution in the "getting in shape" department. I was so happy when I returned from a visit to Naija in August to discover that I had lost 10 solid pounds. I promised my doctor on my annual check-up that I would do everything to not only keep them off but to get back in shape. The rest, as they say, is history. My situation is pathetic because since November '06, I've had a mini gym right here in my house--treadmill, bike, elyptical, ab-lounge and all. Still no discipline. I have since run out of excuses. I am on a year-long leave from work, more than enough time to regain control of body. Yet I can't seem to bite the bullet and get into a regimen. I thought I had successfully put off the start of workout (since June last year) for yet another week. Then boom!!!! This article by Uche struck, giving me a reality check. If I say I am not mad at Uche for this article, I'd be lying. But I thank him all the same. Perhaps this is exactly what I need to motivate me to take control before I have an embarassing experience like Uche's Lagos medical.

NWANZA  # 5 | 17.02.2008 21:24

Try summer vacation in Nigeria or any part of west Africa, and you lose at least 15 pounds by sweating. It worked for me, and will work for almost everybody due to the humidity factor. Everyday, the sweating and the hazels of life do it's natural wonders. Another reason to love Africa.

Ochi Dabari  # 6 | 17.02.2008 21:38

Ebe2, How did you manage to lose weight on a trip to Nigeria? I found the reverse after my last trip. No thanks to suya, fried local chicken, isi-ewu, beer, palmwine, etc. I gained almost 10 kg! Uche, you cannot exonerate your parents for what you inherited from them. I may have figures like the onles that shocked the nurse but not many people will know that I am out of shape. I blame my poor numbers partly on long bones that take me to a height of more than 190 cm. You can't lose your bones, and lots of muscles are attached to the long bones, so it is more difficult for tall people to lose weight. And worse still, many tall people tend to convert feed more efficiently than shorties, so you would end up gaining weight very rapidly. The good thing is that we can lose weight very rapidly too but the bones will still be there. I had a friend who lived on KFC for years in the 90s. I am not sure he gained a single kg; if I eat KFC more than once a month, I will gain many kilos! Uche, what you (and us tallintos) need to do is to lose our height; it is more difficult to lose our weight. Still, it is good to exercise and keep your lungs and joints active. Bedmatics are not enough, although the BBC published recent research findings to this effect only last week (http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em...) .

Aso Rock  # 7 | 18.02.2008 00:09

Don't tell me you were suprise for the Fat ,after all the Ise-ewu, big stouts etc. with your newly found friend DR. tchief Andy Ubah.

Shoko Loko Bangoshe  # 8 | 18.02.2008 02:19

I think that we should all be careful about getting fixated on metrics which, at the end of the day do not really count. Let's pay attention to the key word here - 'fit' - which means that your body is 'fit' to do what you would like it to do, and it is likely to stay 'fit' to do all these things in the long term. So even if you are 'overweight' but: - your blood pressure is normal; - your cholesterol levels are low; - you can run up two flights of stairs without breaking into a sweat or feeling out of breath; - you can lift a heavy sack of gari from your car all the way to the kitchen; then please resume your consumption of akpu and ogbono soup without further delay, and do not be unduly troubled. Shoko (in "Unmedical advisor" mode)

ajis15  # 9 | 18.02.2008 07:25

I hear you Uche. The weight loss thing can be very expensive. You make a monthly payment to the gym, but never make it there. What I have decided is to ignore the elevator for the staircase each time I go to a public building. I have said No to solid food like Semo or pounded yam. Now, I doubt if a trip to Nigeria will make you loose weight. If that is the case, then there shouldn't be obesse people in Nigeria, but there are lots of them. However, we are different, what works for A may not work for B.

UncleTisha  # 10 | 18.02.2008 07:25

=WaleAkin;4294989549>Uche, This is 01:04GMT and could not help but LOL at you! Its good to maintain a healthy BMI most especially against all these junk edibles we consume daily all in the name of living in the UK. I wish you all the best but to stop drinking beer is like not paying your mortgage, what follows is repossession! St Bottles Cathedral will surely miss you as the Vicar-In-Charge, the Rt. Revd. Tisha must conduct a farewell service for you. Cheers, Wale Bia Wale, kpachara anya gi o... How dare you refuse to call me by my proper title, Cardinal? :lol::biggrin::lol: Nor mind Uche. Him no dey go anywhere. When Isi-Ewu and Nkwobi still dey in existence. All this one na IGG {Initial Gra-Gra}. At our next fellowship, him go do full confession.... Or perhaps he needs deliverance...:D:D:D Abeg, forget all these people wey wan turn everybody to size zero. Dr Shoko {respects} don talk am finish for Turenci. Make I talk am the way our people dey talk am: Ikebe no dey tire the owner

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