I Beg Your Pardon

Uche Nworah (info@uchenworah.com)

How does one begin to understand the psyche of beggars? Not your usual street beggars who due to no fault of theirs have to brave the elements in search of their daily bread. I’m talking about your uniformed or corporate beggars, who have been hired to protect life and property or to man the front office of organisations either as security or customer service officers.

I have been having a good time lately arm twisting these emergency beggars and always chuckle anytime I take them down in their own game. Now, don’t you go calling me Mr. Stingy for refusing to be shaken down by these guys because I won’t have none of it, it’s just that I have sworn that I won’t be taken for a sucker anymore.

Or perhaps we shouldn’t blame them too much since Nigeria at 48 is still a beggar nation (no puns intended), or how else will you describe a country that one would have thought has learnt a lesson or two from past debt experiences, but one that still goes ahead borrowing despite the respite granted from the 2005 debt pardon and partial write-off by the Paris Club. Unless we all have not been reading the same papers but I still catch news stories of a loan here, and another there being taken by state governments and even the federal government. I shudder to think what such little loan trickles will amount to in the coming years.

Anyway, back to the issue of uniformed corporate beggars. I had a good laugh the other day at an ATM machine along Ozumba Mbadiwe Avenue in the Victoria Island area of Lagos. By the time I arrived to pick up some cash, there were already 2 ladies and a man hovering over the cash machine. I had noticed the 6 roving eyes trailing me from the time I parked my car and alighted. On getting nearer to the cash machine, I was greeted with a disarming smile and chorus of “Oga, good afternoon sir”. I looked up in surprise and acknowledged the greeting.

Next was the interrogation: “Oga, have you come to collect money?” I wondered what else I had come to do in broad daylight on the streets of Lagos, rob the bank? But by the time any answer could come out of my mouth, my battle ready mindset had already triggered into action. I knew immediately the game my new found friends were playing, they were softening me up for the strike.

As I eagerly waited to use the ATM machine, one of the ladies now volunteered to tell me what all three of them where actually doing peering into the ATM screen together. “Oga, we came to check and collect our salaries”. What this piece of information had to do with me was better left  to the imagination. I did not utter another word, sensing that the lead was about to dry up, the leading lady now became more boisterous. “Oga, happy weekend o!”. Now irritated, I politely asked her not to call me Oga anymore, and that I was in a hurry; could she please conclude her transaction with her crew so I can do mine.

Perhaps I should have kept quite, in unison, all three volunteered to interrupt their salary checking and collection transaction to make way for me. “Oga, please come and collect, anything for your children?” asked the leading lady. That was a new one. I had been used to hearing “Anything for the boys”, but children? I was almost struggling to hold back the laughter. As if on cue, and not wanting to be left or rather edged out of any potential spoils from the begging scam, the lone male in the trio quipped: “Oga, your boy dey here o”. 

Just as I was about to punch in my password, I felt an urge to look through my shoulders, just incase my new found friends were not what they claimed. They met my suspicious eyes with a reassuring look. As I counted my money, I was already calculating how I will make a dash for the car but I was beaten to it. How the leading lady managed to race to my car door is still a mystery to me till this day. When I saw her outstretched right hand waiting to pull open the door for me, I broke her rhythm and did not unlock the door, pretending as if the car remote control had malfunctioned.

I found the whole episode amusing, I couldn’t help thinking that the art of begging has now entered another level by what I had just experienced. I used to think that if I could beat the security guards at Chicken Republic, Jevnik, Mama Cass or TFC, or even some of the guys at my office, that I was safe, I was wrong. The battle for our money has now been taken to the cash dispensing point, where it matters most. This time there won’t be any excuse anymore not to part with your cash. You can’t claim not to have any on you after being ‘caught in the act’ withdrawing your own cash. Unless the heavens favour you by rigging the ATM machine to be out of cash or to breakdown.

My failure to unlock the car caught the leading lady unawares, and within that small window of lull and inactivity, as she was obviously calculating her next move, I unlocked, dived in and locked myself in, just in case she attempted to force open the door. By the time she could recover, I was already tearing into the newly laid Ozumba Mbadiwe Avenue asphalt leaving behind the disappointed trio to re-tool their skills for the next ‘mugu’. I almost laughed myself silly on the way but still wondered why I should be the one running away.

Next up, there was this other day at an eatery along Awolowo road. The security man who pointed out a parking spot that was there for everyone including the blind to see thought he had me wrapped up but little did he know that he was in for the surprise of his life. Lunch finished, it was time to go. From a mile away, I could see his devious but knowing smile, as if he was telling me, “I’m the one who showed you where to park, you must reward me for that”. Perhaps on another day, I would have but not on this day when I was already feeling irritable by the damage guys like him are doing to the reputation of businesses where they are guarding through their rude, customer-unfriendly begging activities.

What I thought wise to do was not to acknowledge his knowing look and smile, that which would have automatically roped me in as a willing accomplice in a customer shake-down scam. There are several ways of doing this, you could pretend to be having an animated conversation on the phone and brush past the guard who may have inched so close to ensure that you see him. You may pretend to be having a serious business discussion with whomever may be in your company at the time, the frown on your face is enough to alert even Donald Trump not to bother at this time, call it a “Don’t disturb frown’ if you like. Finally, you could pretend to be invincible like Pa Jimoh of Ikebe Super fame, walk straight past , get into your car and zoom off. I opted for the later oblivious of whatever silent curse or abuse that were coming out of the guard’s mouth.

As for some of our uniformed men, the police and their other uniformed colleagues, theirs is a story for another day. I do not need to recount their several “Happy Weekend” “Happy Monday”, “Happy Tuesday” and “Happy Anything” greetings, which usually precedes their gun-point shakedown or extortion.

I can not say that I have not fallen at times to the many tricks of corporate and uniformed beggars, but I like to pride myself that I only fall at my own terms. Give me a good service and a smile, don’t arm twist me, just maybe and you have my tip.  

Nworah is the author of The Long Harmattan Season. He blogs at http://thelongharmattanseason.blogspot.com/  

Robot  # 1 | 04.10.2008 06:47

I Beg Your Pardon Uche Nworah (info@uchenworah.com) How does one begin to understand the psyche of begga...Read the full article.

okenikpoto  # 2 | 04.10.2008 09:02

Very hilarious and thanks for the tips anyway. Have you ever met them in church? How do you keep them off when they ask you to drop for them in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth in front of the Pator, Priest or you know now? Also, I will like you to give tips on how to brush past some of these pastors that will take offerrings 9 good times, urge you to drop your transport fare and keep looking up to heaven for a ride home.

Ebe  # 3 | 04.10.2008 09:44

This is a story that anyone who has lived in or visited Nigeria lately can relate to. Like Uche, I have also been fascinated by the psychology of begging and beggers. I have been comparing the psychology of American beggers with that of Nigerian ones and I have noticed one striking difference in their strategies. As a young student immigrant in America, I was struck that the street beggers yelled things like "can I have a dollar?" "Can you spare a dollar?" "can you help a hungry man with a dollar," etc. I was brought up to believe that "beggers have no choice," but these beggers clearly had a choice--they had a minimum amount they would accept--a dollar. Why did they not ask for a quarter, 50 cents, etc? After all, several years ago, you could still buy some snacks with these amounts. Besides, why couldn't they just ask for these smaller, more affordable amounts and accummulate them to buy whatever they wanted, instead of asking for a hard-to-spare dollar? At any rate, why would a begger ask for a specific amount of money? Why not just solicit for anything you could get and be grateful for whatever you're given? I could never understand this strategy of American beggers. It didn't make business sense because very few people I knew could spare a full dollar. Most people I knew could spare a dime, maybe a quarter. But a whole dollar? The strategy also went against all conventional wisdom of begging: the idea that a begger should appreciate whatever they are given and should not be able to dictate how much a generous passerby gives to them. Curious and in search of answers, I brought this phenomenon up with my American friends and told them that in my country it would be rude and self-defeating for a begger to ask a passerby for a specific amount of money. They would most certainly end the day with little or no takings.They apparently hadn't thought about it that way but saw my point. In fact many agreed that it was indeed rude for beggers to mention a specific amount they wanted when they didn't know how much, if anything, you could spare.

emj  # 4 | 04.10.2008 10:16

I can not say that I have not fallen at times to the many tricks of corporate and uniformed beggars, but I like to pride myself that I only fall at my own terms. Give me a good service and a smile, don’t arm twist me, just maybe and you have my tip. At my own terms, not arm twist me...yep:eek::p Some beggars over here, especially drug addicts have now devised another way of begging....will ask if you can spare a quarter...s/he wants to make a phone call(will be holding some dime to look legit):arrow:

tengallons  # 5 | 04.10.2008 11:08

Speaking of beggars, here in the US, I was once stopped by a pleasant looking woman holding a baby. She told me that her car had run out of gas and she had run out of change. For added effect, she said she had tried to raise her mother on the phone, to no avail. Well, as per 9ja man, I replied that as it so happened, I had a gas can in my trunk and offered to go buy gas for her. On hearing my offer, she made some noises in her throat and sauntered off. It is clear that begging is now both art and science globally. See below for my favorite Nigerian begging joke which I think I, or someone else posted on these boards a long time ago: THE NERVE OF THE NIGERIAN BEGGAR A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him =N=20 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to =N=15 "Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing." A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes =N=10. "What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me =N=20 every day, then =N=15 and now only =N=10. What's the problem?" "Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further." "And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks. "Four," the man replies. "Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

WayoGuy  # 6 | 04.10.2008 11:38

There are several ways of doing this, you could pretend to be having an animated conversation on the phone and brush past the guard who may have inched so close to ensure that you see him. You may pretend to be having a serious business discussion with whomever may be in your company at the time, the frown on your face is enough to alert even Donald Trump not to bother at this time, call it a “Don’t disturb frown’ if you like. Finally, you could pretend to be invincible like Pa Jimoh of Ikebe Super fame, walk straight past , get into your car and zoom off . Nwa nna, Thanks for the tips. I am tired too. An unbelievable begging culture has taken over our country and I have been shaken down numeorus times too. So thanks very much for the tips. From the custom officer who checks your passport as you enter the country at the airport, to the cleaning lady standing at the airport restroom, to the man who helps you get a trolley for your luggage, to the ladies who check to match your luggage with your tag as you exit the airport, to the young men who forcibly carry your luggage to your car and then extend their hands, to the police officer on the road who stops your car with "Oga, we dey for road o, wetin you bring for us", to the gateman at the bank, to the street beggars who accost you as soon as they see your car. It's almost an assault on your mind. You can't even leave your house without putting serious money in your pocket because you already know that someone, somewhere, will beg you for money or, worse, will demand bribe to perform some service for you. Tired. I will try to use your tips Uche.

hap  # 7 | 04.10.2008 12:54

Good article. But, next time you need to be careful about those individuals at the ATM. Guns or other weapons may be employed to get what they really want. I know you use to reside in Uk, but in USA guns do the trick at the ATM at night or in broad day light. Watch out negro.

10Kobo  # 8 | 04.10.2008 13:58

This Uche no go kill parson O! :D That was so funny, it made-up for the drab draw Arsenal F.C, played wih Sunderland just now. I was so miffed! TenGallons, Emj, W.G, and the rest of the crew, l like your contributions too. Let me also narrate one that happened to me in my neck of neighborhoods, some years back. "One naira" was still a "metallic coin" and it was very big money. This blind beggar always enjoyed my sympathy but after some months, he was joined by this "Crippled colleague" at their favorite spot, close to the B/Stop. I give him one naira regularly (even the weight of that one naira destroys my purse in no time) and dont give the "crippled beggar" anything. I felt he is better on 'the ladder', after-all, the blind man does not even know whether his crippled colleague was fleecing, from his collection. Few months later, l had a pang of guilt and l decided l should also give to the crippled dude but my limit of one naira would not be exceeded, so l split it 50-50, for the two of them: 50Kobo metal coin for each one. I was going to drop the first 50kobo for the blind man, into his plate but both coin slipped-off my hand. One dropped as intended, into the blindman's plate but the second coin rolled down and went under the crippled neighbors wheel chair. I motioned the Crippled beggar with my finger that the 50Kobo coin that rolled under his chair, was actually meant for him but before l could finish my gesticulations, the blindman's arm shot out and pursued the money under the wheel chair, while chastising me at the same time. Hear him: "Oga, you've always given me one naira and two fifty kobo is still one naira", he blared out in annoyance! The crippled man will not be out done as he now realized that the fifty kobo was actually his rightful income. Like a Beijing Para-lympics Gold medalist, he rose up to the occasion, blocked the blindman's hand from reaching the coin and in doing so stepped down from his wheel chair and picked the coin. The blindman was so furious he seized him by the throat and the fight that ensued exposed these two scam artist as fully sighted and able bodied! Well, trust the Garage boys around, they siezed their proceeds for the day, gave them a resounding beating.....and l learnt my lesson! :D

Gbolly  # 9 | 04.10.2008 14:27

Thank you for the information. I will remember to use the "Don't disturb me" techniques. Thanks for sharing....

VOR  # 10 | 04.10.2008 16:06

Uche nwa Nworah don come again o!! Simply hilarious, as my brother will say, alagbari l'oga mugu:D:D:D:D I have learnt a few tips on how to deal with these professional beggars we find nearly everywhere in Nigeria, even hospitals for crying out loud!! I remember going to visit someone at EKO hospital, after the usual assurances, don't worry, he is getting good treatment, we are watching him 24/7 - I noticed these nurses kept hovering around me and KB.....off course, they soon disappeared when they were giving something to buy lunch with!! I asked KB why he had given them money shebi they get paid? KB said, o fe ki wan kpa papa fun mi abi? (you want them to kill papa for me) You are right, give me good service with a smile and I will gladly tip you! Don't fight with me over opening my own car door (eateries, malls, banks) don't hold me up unneccesarily (check points) and expect me to "find something for you" I don't pay for such service!:cool:

---

The conversation continues in our forum. Click here to read all comments

---