| The Canary Series: I Need A MAN! |
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| Written by Anne Oboho | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, 11 May 2008 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Once again guys, it is hair letting time. I am sorry I am
coming at you this week. I have been provoked by the scarcity of husbandtheory to take you apart with my parrot mouth. Please DO love me
still at the end of everything!
Two weeks ago, my colleague quoted the bible out of context; he thought he knew how to put women down. He said the time of the fulfillment of the bible prophecy that said plenty women will run to one man and beg him to marry all of them had come. He chose the wrong time for this particular anecdote. I was in the room and I refused to let the opportunity to return it in kind slip by. There is a senior colleague of ours, Austin, who has gone
past his prime and has remained unmarried till tomorrow. I asked him if the
prophecy applied to here and us, why is it that not a single woman has run to
I told him the bible did say that about such a time but the
bible was not talking about all men. The good book as every one
knows is a stickler for quality; it was referring to quality men.
I know women naturally have to look for men to marry; I have to look for a man to marry. The reason I have lasted so long in the search field is because I have not found a man. I have found men quite alright, I am looking for a man, the type only the bible can describe as a man. For the avoidance of doubt, let me give you my own idea of a man. The type I would beg to marry me.
1. He could be like me:
I am carefree, generous to a fault, crazy at times with a high sense of humour, humane, kind hearted, I love the simple things. I am possessed of a tendency to reduce life to a big bag of fun. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I am busy, chasing money as if life depends on it. I am honest to a fault. I am an Amazon, not one to whimper at the sound of defeat. I have standards that can’t be compromised, I am not a talker but whatever I say makes an impact, I am a woman of letters, I think highly of others before myself. I am an egghead; a little god, a creator. If I am all these, I don’t see why I should go for something less in a man.
2. He must have his own unique, latent, potent, physical
and innate attributes:
Let him be tall, (I don’t see what I could possibly do with a short man) sincere apologies to some people. He has to be conscious of the fact that God made him to be strong; he must look to his strength, I don’t like stomachs in men, but that should not be a problem, I know how to flatten stomachs. (I am always looking beyond men’s physical appearance anyway). He must be ready to accept me like this (not many men have been able to do that) in fact; he must be ready to love me, from the depths of his soul. He must need me; I must see that need in every muscle in his body. (I have no time for people who do not genuinely need me) As much as possible, he should give voice to his feelings especially in matters that concern me; he must never bottle things up. He must have a forgiving spirit; this spirit must be very active enough to accommodate my moments of mischief. Domesticity is a plus, it is the sum total of all that is sexy in a man. Looking at him, doing chores around the house, just for the fun of it, only a genuine character can do this.
3. His domestic quality must stretch beyond the kitchen to the bedroom. Ah ha! This is where this starts. If the man does not understand what a bedroom means, he should not bother. The traditional place for proving his manhood is here, where God commanded him to handle the task of procreation. This guy I should marry must be a wizard in bed. He should be a natural lover of sex. His creative genius should be brought to bear upon our bed and me on it. He should be a willing and ABLE player. He must be ready to play at all times. I am not like many women; a job can give me an aphrodisiac, especially a job that has been successfully executed. I remember in those days when I used to act on stage; after I have given my rousing performance, watched the audience screaming for more, enjoyed the standing ovation, I would immediately feel like having sex on coming off the stage. My would- be husband must be ready to share my lust; in fact I would appreciate a lustier guy. Well, for those of you who may think this is too graphic, let me refer you to the Bible, that awesomely candid book, it says that at a point, our patriarch, Abraham fondled his wife Sarah until people noticed. This he did at a time when men possessed instead of desiring a woman. At a very ripe age, he was still able to move his waist and sire Isaac. So let’s not go there please! Well, that should be that for the man who would marry me and oh! He must be a Christian, a genuine child of the Almighty. And please, before you think of applying, you must be above thirty, I don’t think I like being called “mummy” by my husband. Physically, I think I am aging (but that’s why I am putting up this advert of course). Another thing, if you have known me for a long time, say, ten years at least, you will also be on my list of preference. Other than that, please see if you fit the above description and apply for three years of screening. If I can’t have most of the listed attributes in a man, then I might just keep searching. I don’t care to marry before I die, I am not a traditionalist.
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Posted by Robot| 11.05.2008 17:43