by Terver Atsar

In our Nigeria, wonders shall never end. Sometimes last week some vigilante group members in Ilorin apprehended a goat, which is supposedly, the outcome of an escape strategy by a suspected armed robber who was on the run together with his colleague in trade. The unsubstantiated report claimed that in the bid to evade arrest the suspected robber turned his back to the wall and instantly transformed into the goat, which was subsequently apprehended and taken to the Police Station! His partner reportedly ‘escaped’.

Though it sounds stranger than fiction, we must resist the temptation to dismiss the veracity of the story with the wave of the hand. Until more information is gleaned from the promised Police investigations, we have to reluctantly accept the story as true until proved otherwise.

Preliminary scrutiny of the story would suggest that, two things surely happened on the day the goat was ‘arrested’. One, there was an unsuccessful attempt to steal a vehicle and two, some suspected robbers reportedly involved in the attempt took to their heels. But what is in doubt is whether one of the escapee robbers actually turned into a goat. The police would need supernatural powers to tie this loose end of the investigation. Even then, this will be an impossible task for the Police because the Nigerian Constitution does not have any place for witchcraft or esoteric phenomena. Witchcraft cases are not heard in our courts.

But the police are reported to have boasted that they will not release the goat until they finish investigation. This is quite preposterous and inane. What will be the subject of investigation? To establish that the goat attempted robbery or to find out the identity of the robber who turned into a goat or to prove that a man turned into a goat? And if so then what? Would they then charge the goat to court? Which court? An animal court? Will the prosecutors and the judge be goats? Who will be the defence lawyer?

If however they insist on going on with their investigations, I would advise they ask Iwu’s INEC for help in this regards, because they seem to be very experienced in the affairs of the animal kingdom. During the last general elections, it was reported (though unverified) that dogs and chickens were freely and fairly allowed to exercise their civic rights to vote while we poor humans were disenfranchised.

Femi-Fani Kayode could also be of help here. He is the spiritually-wise-one who recently blamed a gang of witches in the aviation industry that were bringing down planes in order to suck the blood of victims, at the time when the rest of us were ignorantly blaming the decaying aviation infrastructure for the frequent plane crashes. Ambassador Sam Edem should not be left out of consideration in this matter. He could help link them up with a ‘competent’ witch doctor that could help the Police unravel the mystery of the goat robber.

The Police Service Commission should proactively start recruiting goats, cows, cats and even chickens as officers who should be trained to handle animal cases, which are likely to become rampant in the country. In the future, as more and more armed robbers become esoterically sophisticated, the Nigerian Police will need an Animal Investigation Unit (AIU), which should be headed by a he-goat. Our Universities must also start recruiting animals into their Law faculties, in order to prepare a crop of lawyers and judges that would handle these cases in a purely animal court.

But seriously one is bound to ask certain questions like, why an armed robber looking for supernatural powers to aid his escape would go for a charm that could turn him into a goat instead of one that could make him just vanish in tin air? What if the mob decided to kill the goat? If he must turn into an animal, why a domestic one like the goat instead of a wild lion or cobra which could send his pursuers scampering to safety?

And would the police have detained a snake? That is if the guy had turned into a snake and the vigilante succeeded in catching the snake alive. Even if it is true that the robber actually turned into a goat, it would appear that his fate is not different from that of the one that reportedly escaped as technically speaking, both have escaped, one into thin air and the other into a goat.

I think of a very likely possibility that, this unfortunate goat happened to be at the scene near the building where the robbers escaped. It is not uncommon to find wondering goats and sheep in some neighbourhoods in most northern towns where animal farming is a major occupation. Even human beings have fallen victim of mistaken identity for being at the scene of crime. Unlike humans who can explain the circumstances of their presence at such places, the goat cannot speak.

I believe the owner of the goat has so far shied away from showing up to claim his goat for the fear of the stigma placed on the goat by this fallacious claim by the vigilante and likely Police harassment should he show up. The Police would likely put him behind the bars on charges of aiding and abating a robbery attempt.

In this era of camera phones, I expect someone in the chase party to have recorded a video of the guy transforming into a goat. I recall that when one Navy officer’s details recently assaulted a lady in Lagos, it was a video camera of an onlooker that captured the incontrovertible evidence against the ratings.

The police would sooner or later discover that they cannot make any justicaeble case against a goat or any other animal for that matter. Therefore the most sensible thing to do is to let the poor goat go home to its owner. All they need do is to take the goat back to where it was picked up and set it free, it will return to the owner on its own.

Even if the robber actually turned into a goat, this in itself is enough punishment for him, as I don’t see a human being enjoying the life of a goat. If you doubt me ask King Nebuchadnezzar.

The Nigerian Police must not be turned into a comic theatre before the whole world simply because some police officer at a station in Ilorin failed to think properly thereby placing the Force into an unwarranted dilemma.

Robot  # 1 | 31.01.2009 07:56

Case For An Animal Court In Nigeria. by Terver Atsar In our Nigeria, wonders shall never end. Sometimes last week some vigilante group members in Ilorin apprehended a goat, which is supposedly, the outcome of an escape strategy by a suspected armed robber who was on the run together with his colleague in trade. The unsubstantiated report claimed that in the bid to evade arrest the suspected robber turned his back to the wall and instantly transformed into the goat, which was subsequently apprehended and taken to the Police Station!His partner reportedly ‘escaped’. Though it sounds stranger than fiction, we must resist the temptation to dismiss the veracity of the story with the wave of the hand. Until more information is gleaned from the promised Police investigations, we have to reluctantly accept the story as true until proved otherwise. Preliminary scrutiny of the story would suggest that, two things surely happened on the day the goat was ‘arr...Read the full article.