by Teni Atalabi Osundeko

A pharmacist friend told me of her encounter with an elderly Nigerian lady who had come into the store and picked up on my friend’s Nigerian accent. She immediately struck up a conversation with her. She poured her heart out on the loneliness she was suffering in that cold and bleak city. My friend encouraged this elderly Nigerian lady that when summer arrived the weather would be better. However, the cold weather was the least of Mama’s problems. Her main issue was with her white son in law. He called her by her first name ‘Mary’. Mama was very unhappy about this, but her daughter explained that her husband came from a very liberal family. She called her parents-in-law by their first names at their request and her husband felt comfortable addressing Mama by her first name. Mama did not buy this excuse and was angry at her daughter and son in law. She was not a happy camper. Yet, her daughter insisted that Mama extend her visit to a permanent stay so she could care for her. Mama wanted to spend time with her only child, but had difficulty making the cultural adjustments required. This encounter got me thinking about the experiences of elderly Nigerians in the Diaspora.

Older Nigerians in their golden years are individuals who are over 65 years old. A typical Nigerian elder is likely to have been married and have children (their generation did not chose to remain single or childless by choice), is likely to have held down a job (welfare was not an option) and may have been active in a community group or church group. Older Nigerians are typically looked upon as reservoirs of wisdom and their counsel is often widely sought in their local communities. Older Nigerians settle marital conflicts, pour out blessings on younger ones at weddings and naming ceremonies, they are often deferred to and have the last word on many issues, are custodians of oral history, parables and oriki and are generally honored and respected by family members and locals. The essence of the older Nigerian is being relevant and having a sense of belonging and purpose within his or her world. A significant focus of the golden years is the ability to enjoy life without the burden and stress of working to earn an income and to live as stress free as possible.

The outward migration of millions of Nigerians has serious effects on Nigerians particularly the older folks. Many elders are left behind in Nigeria while their children seek greener pastures abroad. After years of making do with occasional visits and irregular phone calls, many older Nigerians long for closer interactions with their children and grand children. The lonesomeness can be acute. A Nigerian grandma burst into tears when her son called from Europe to wish her happy mother’s day. She had it all, a beautiful home, money, friends, extended family members and other resources. Yet she felt empty because all her children lived outside Nigeria . 

A variety of reasons compel many more Nigerian elders to leave their comfort zone, uproot and relocate to ilu oyinbo (white man’s land) to spend the remainder of their days. The decision to leave behind the familiar for the different and sometimes the unknown can be a huge challenge for elderly Nigerians. The advantages of relocation include proximity to children and grandchildren, access to quality healthcare, and improved personal safety. On the other hand, older Nigerians in the Diaspora lose contact with extended family members, childhood friends, familiar places that could bring back wonderful childhood memories, and community, church and religious events that they’ve taken part in for many years and the respect accorded to the elderly in many African cultures.

Apart from those Nigerian elders who relocate to live with their children, there are those who have lived and worked abroad and have now hit their retirement years. Some of the dilemmas faced by this group are complex. While working as an interviewer on a research project that targeted elderly Africans in the UK , I heard a rather moving story from an older Nigerian gentleman. He narrated that because he and his wife could not agree on where to spend their golden years; Mama packed up and headed for Nigeria .  Baba stayed behind in England . Unfortunately, Baba’s health failed and he required in home care and social services. According to Baba, his social worker would ring his door bell, slip a prepared note under his door and take off in her car while he struggled to walk from his chair to let her in. He had better luck with Meals on Wheels as they ensured he got his one hot meal a day. Baba did not care much for the English fare of potato, peas, meat and gravy. He said it was bland, but he had no choice because he could not shop for or prepare his own Nigerian meals.

Baba complained that his assigned home health aide who came in 3 times weekly to help him with personal hygiene and daily living activities spoke too fast and he could not understand half of what she said. He reported that the Aide had difficulty understanding him too, due to his accent. Baba was lonely and sad. His two British born sons lived in other cities and kept in touch via phone. They had faith that social services would do well by their father. Moreover they had their own lives to live. Both boys had married English girls and were busy raising their own families. Baba was cut off from his wife and he was quite upset that she had abandoned him and moved back to Nigeria . Baba was reluctant to let me go. He was emotionally needy and yearned for companionship of a fellow Nigerian. Sadly, I could not devote more time to Baba as I had other interviews to conduct and errands to run.

Not all Nigerian seniors have Baba’s dismal experience. Some do quite well by keeping busy as long as their health does not fail. Yet when we compare the life style of senior citizens in Western countries with that of older Nigerians residing in the same countries it is apparent that the Nigerians do not have it as good. Older Caucasians go on cruises; travel, go golfing, fishing, attend senior citizen centers, play bingo, engage in ball room dancing, garden and participate in a host of other activities. Older Nigerians in the Diaspora may not find these activities culturally compatible and may opt to stay home. Once their children go to work and the grandchildren go to school, loneliness sets in.

Some Nigerian elders find themselves at loggerheads with the grandchildren because of generational and environmental differences. Communication is sometimes an issue as they struggle to grasp the grandchildren’s accent and the grandchildren give up attempting to understand what Grandpa is saying. Mobility can be a problem. Many Nigerian elders do not have the necessary driving documents in their new home towns; they do not understand the public transportation system and are dependent on their children to take them places. The busy schedule of many Nigerians does not leave room for visiting with these senior citizens. Some older Nigerians do find themselves between a rock and a hard place as it pertains to their abode. If they go back home to Nigeria , they miss out on the lives of their children. If they stay in ilu oyinbo, they are often irrelevant and lonely.

To address these problems, some Nigerian churches and community organizations in cities with large concentration of older Nigerians are beginning to pay attention to this population and trying to organize programs to meet their needs. As Nigerians abroad begin to age, the results of some of our earlier decisions will be coming home to roost. How did you raise your children? Are they raised to honor their parents and respect age? Have they bought into the Western culture of despising the aged? Are they going to cart you off to the retirement village/nursing home when the time comes? Are they going to be too busy ‘making it’ to be involved with you at a deep level? Are you going to be at the mercy of a young social worker who makes decisions concerning you without your input? Are you planning on going back to a country you left 30 or 40 years ago and attempting to fit back in? It is significant that you, the Nigerian immigrant, begin to look ahead and consider what old age has in store for you? You may be surprised. Your money and education may not shield you from longing for those things money cannot buy that you need in your old age.

Robot  Villager

# 1 A pharmacist friend told me of her encounter with an elderly Nigerian lady who ha...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 10.05.2006 18:34

emj  Villager

# 2 Teni, this is really something to think about--------food for thought:idea: Posted by emj| 10.05.2006 21:42

purple  Villager

# 3 I no wan grow old for oyinbo man country. I dey plan to go back to naija with all my pikins. Then no wan follow me, but I go drag them commot when that time reach. Posted by purple| 10.05.2006 23:04

DoubleWahala  Villager

# 4 This article calls for deep thought and reflection. The issues raised are matters that folks in the so=called diaspora have to deal with. Nothing goes for nothing. We are caught between and betwixt. Damned if i do, damned if i dont. We all know the various reasons why we left home, and we all know the reasons we are so reluctant to go back. Truth be told, I pine for home sometimes. I miss being surrounded by a sea of black faces. I miss living in an evironment where i dont have to live in a certain neighborhood for years, and my next door neighbor remains a total stranger to me. However, these are some of the ripple effects of the mismanagement and bastardization of Nigeria. I owe it to myself to seek a better life, dont I? We have to find a way of building and maintaining relationships across the continents with friends and family back in Nigeria. This way, when retirement looms, it becomes easier to make the decision wether to go back, or to die and be buried here. DoubleWahala Posted by DoubleWahala| 10.05.2006 23:32

Alake  Villager

# 5 This is a true talk that we all need to ponder upon. Right from time, myself and my husband have both decided that we will go back to Nigeria when we retire, Nursing home for ilu oyinbo ke, no way God forbid. There is no how we will not fit into Nigeria system even though we spend 50yrs in western country, by force we shall fit into the system because i can't stay in nursing home. From where i come from( Nigeria) we no dey go nursing home. Posted by Alake| 11.05.2006 02:41

Zhul- qarnain  Villager

# 6 =purple>I no wan grow old for oyinbo man country. I dey plan to go back to naija with all my pikins. Then no wan follow me, but I go drag them commot when that time reach. I wish you luck. Many have tried but few have succeeded! Posted by Zhul- qarnain| 11.05.2006 09:04

emj  Villager

# 7 Teni, see the thing wey u don cause now, people no wan die for ilu oyinbo-----dem wan go back home----meaning that something has to be don fast to restore real democracy for Nigeria, and the dividend has to be visible tipa tipa by force:wink: Purple don't mind all this pikins dem, dem know the thing wey good----we go carry dem janto back to Nigeria whether dem like am or not:D if we no do so, na dem go send us go old peoples home when we get old. Posted by emj| 11.05.2006 10:23

Soul Sista  Villager

# 8 What of a couple of us getting together and going into the nursing home business with a specialization in the needs of Nigerians? Just a thought. What is it that we have at home that we want to have here? If all the people in the nursing home/assisted living community are Nigerian, does that not fulfill the desire for community and similar culture? We can tweak this idea but I think it is worth looking into. Note that it is not that we will chase other people away but when dey sef come, they will see that it is not the place for them :lol: Truly, I don't think many of us will go back home or fit back home if we have been here for so long unless, we are able to go home regularly from now until retirement. Not everyone can afford that. The idea of not going home for 15 years and suddenly landing at home in the year 2035 ain't going to work. My two Cents. Posted by Soul Sista| 11.05.2006 10:57

Zhul- qarnain  Villager

# 9 =Soul Sista>What is it that we have at home that we want to have here? If all the people in the nursing home/assisted living community are Nigerian, does that not fulfill the desire for community and similar culture? What we have at home is that africans dont put their mamas and papas in old people's home. They live with them until they die. Can you recreate that for oyinbo land. If it is not panadol, it is not panadol. shikena! =Soul Sista>Truly, I don't think many of us will go back home or fit back home if we have been here for so long unless, we are able to go home regularly from now until retirement. Not everyone can afford that. The idea of not going home for 15 years and suddenly landing at home in the year 2035 ain't going to work. The earlier you start going home regularly the better. Lack of funds no be excuse after all most villages for NVS dey go holiday for america, london, canada, australia, jerusalem, Mecca, iraq etc etc why not naija? Posted by Zhul- qarnain| 11.05.2006 11:46

emj  Villager

# 10 SS-- good thought, am interested in setting up one in the area where am located. 50% of the workers will be Nigerians, 25% will be of this constituency, an the rest from the phillipines(don't ask me why). They will all be trained by my russian friends/consultants. You see Zhul said that if it is not panadol, it is not panadol, i will say it cannot be like panadol. Because we are not going to serve panadol:biggrin: we will aim to be better than what obtains in this environment---------there will be so many igbadun for the retirement home provided u have enough cheddar to pay---i.e the reason why u have to work hard now for ur future 4 retirement home. All the perks that will go with our offer to u will beat anything wey u go get if u return to nigeria. So right now, i have just called up my consultants 4 a brain-storming session about this idea, as a matter of fact, people can start contributing towards their stay now, through a mutual benefit fund.:D Posted by emj| 11.05.2006 12:11

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