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I am still in NY. Why? Work. They asked me to stay till circa the end of the year to work on a case that resurrected from the dead. It was a case I had been working on earlier in the year. The parties settled one part of it, went away for about six months, and just as baby girl was getting ready to leave, they decided to come back. And, they have come back with greater bad belle for each other, which means greater work for baby gal and the rest of the crew. It is not all bad though. I am the senior associate on the case, but there is a ray of light in a junior associate, Benita, that I have taken to mentoring. She is an African-American associate who will be going into her third year in 2007. She is a real delight to work with and very hard working, driven and focused. Because she is so good, I have decided to take more than a passing interest in her work and give her more responsibility than I might have done. And, I don't regret it so far. She is going to get her first chance to take a substantive deposition in this case because I think she is ready.
What kinds of things does Benita do that make me ready to give her opportunities to grow? She is on top of our calendar. I know that sounds like a really small thing to do, but that is important when you have so many papers due in such a short period of time. Benita sends emails out at 7:30 a.m. each morning updating the team's "To-Do" list in bullet point form. I did not tell her to do it, but she took the initiative and I like that. She anticipates needs and sets out to help to address them. I told her to get the documents together for a deposition of one of the high ranking officers of the opposing party. Benita not only got me the documents that I needed to prepare for the deposition, she did a draft outline of the questions. She does not have enough experience to do a really good outline, but the outline she did was very helpful and made my work easier.
Her legal research skills are stellar. When she cannot find good precedent cases, she suggests ways of using those that might not be that good. She is thinking. You work with some junior associates and they think just because they are junior, you don't want them to think. Benita is not like that. Moreover, her writing is pretty good, although she needs to improve (as we all do). I allowed her to draft one section of one of our memoranda of law and she did a decent job. She needs to work on becoming better at argumentative brief writing but I am going to give her that opportunity on this case because I can see the potential and the willingness. If you don't get the opportunity, you won't grow. And, trust me, in many of these firms, some people just don't get the opportunity.
Anyway, as I said, I really like Benita. I invited her to lunch with Hilary and I last week. She was pleasantly surprised, as per kpe Hilary is a partner now. And, junior associates don't have that much partner contact. I had told Hilary about her. I said Hilary, there is new "you" about to become a third year o. You have to take this sista under your wing and make sure that you monitor what is happening to her even though you are in different departments. Me, I will soon leave this place but you can make things happen for this girl in the long term. She is good and you need to plan to have some sistas up there with you for the next thirty or so years that you will be partner. The lunch went well. I think Hilary and Benita took to each other. Trust Benita, she sent a nice note to Hilary and I after the lunch. She had just the right words in it, without being all sickly sweet and obviously sucking up. I like that: the girl is smart and she knows how to play her cards.
My Boo is going through a lot. He broke his right hand two weeks ago. He and his friend, Jamil volunteer as mentors to a group of at risk boys in the neighborhood where Jamil grew up. It is a small outfit that is run by one of Jamil's childhood friends. And, the friend reaches out to professional men of color to mentor his boys so that they can see that there is a way to make it off the streets. So, that is how my Boo got involved with this group o. I am very pleased that Boo is involved in such an initiative. My Boo's upbringing was slightly different from mine, even though, I would say that we have similar, broad backgrounds. But, unlike my parents who were very active in all sorts of social initiatives, Boo's parents were not. They worked hard and tried to make a success of their lives. But that idea of giving back to the community is not something that his parents did with any sort of impact. My mother on the other hand, if she was not doing something with collecting clothes for children in Soweto, she would be organizing a party for the kids at the deaf and dumb school. My father too. So, sometimes, my Boo just does not get social issues. If you have lived a sheltered life, where everything always worked so long as you worked hard, you may find it difficult to get it. That is one reason why I like his friendship with Jamil and this at risk mentoring that he has gotten my Boo involved in. I think if Boo was college educated in America, he would be better at getting social issues. But, he went to college in Scotland. It is just not the same thing. Sha, he is getting better; being a Black man in America always does that to you. He always says that one of his initial attractions to me, apart from the physical attraction, was my passion about different things in society that would not have occurred to him as issues. I try to keep that attraction sustained and it has worked well for us so far.  
Anyway, back to his hand o! They were playing basket ball and that is how they tackled my Boo and he broke his hand. I said Boo, how does a grown arse man go off and break his right hand? I have been teasing him. I told him, my dear, I love you and you know how pleased I am that you are doing this, but you have to take it easy. You are just not the same person anymore as you were some time back. You cannot put your body through the same stress as you could five years ago. Mentoring does not mean you have to play basket ball where it is to break hand o! These young boys will tackle you well, well o! Abi, see me see trouble. Let them no damage my husband for me o. Please, I need him. So his hand is in a cast. He cannot perform any operations for the time being, which is driving him crazy. He cannot drive, which is driving both of us crazy. And, he is just generally not a very happy camper right now.
Boo has been behaving strangely too. He is having some concerns about the baby. Not in a bad way. He has not been sleeping well. Not just because of the slight pain in his hand, but just generally. I had noticed that he was turning and tossing a lot in his sleep over the past month. Also, I expected him to insist that I go home and not accede to the request from my firm that I stay to finish this case. But, he did not. That is not like my Boo not to protest my work interfering with a major family plan. Minor ones, he overlooks but a major one, no. The other night, he woke me up and said he could not sleep. See me o. I guess love is sharing insomnia, not so? So, I asked him, Boo is everything okay? He now said that he has been thinking of the baby. I was so sleepy, I said, yes, you are going to be a father now, you should think about your child. Not so? So, he said no. That he has been thinking whether he will be a good father. I have seen my Boo very vulnerable before, but on that night, he looked especially so. I was thinking, here I am with such a wonderful support group, in the form of my friends like Ngo, Sasu, Awele, Derin, my sister, sisters-in-law, brothers and others who have been so supportive of our decision to adopt. Then, even in this village, people have sent me PMs, encouraging me. What support has Boo had? None, men just don't get much emotional support, do they? Really, he is just expected to chin up and get on with it, I guess. So, I pulled him up to my ample bosom and told him that I knew that he would be a good father. And that I would not want any other father for my child but him. I told him all sorts of other nice things to lift his spirit, but he was down.
He looked so vulnerable that night, talking in a low voice and looking pained from the slight pain of his hand. I am usually the one that breaks down on and off like that, perhaps after I see a baby somewhere. Yes, I do. Hit me now. And, Boo is the strong one that helps me through those times. But, I guess he cannot be all strong all the time. Anyway, he started talking about the meaning of life. That is when I knew okay, this is going to be a long night. He spoke about how we are good people, why are we facing these issues? How he cannot believe that our parents are not more supportive. How he is disappointed in them. He went on and on. I just don't know where it all came from. But, after about two hours of listening to him express his frustrations, I decided to run us a warm bath and get him some hot chocolate drink; he needed to sleep. We had to be careful about his hand in the bath but it appears that the bath, the hot chocolate, and a gentle massage from me were all he needed to finally put him to sleep. Of course, by that time, I was wide awake and never got back to sleep. Funny man. He woke up in the morning and did not say a word about how he was feeling. When I asked him, he said he was fine and changed the topic. Please is there any man out there that understands what my Boo is going through?
My mum is going back to Naija tonight. Shay she has been with my sister all this while. Well, my father has summoned her back home. He says that my sister and her husband are adults, so they should sort themselves out. Actually, my sister and my mum had been fighting and my father said enough is enough. The fights, as you can imagine, have to do with what my sister is going to do about her fledgling marriage, her unfaithful husband, two kids, and one kid who is a product of his unfaithfulness. My sister is still insisting that she wants a separation. She says she cannot live with him, but she is not ready for a divorce. My mum's view, which she presses with unrelenting determination at every opportunity, is that my niece and my nephew need a stable home so my sister should work out the problems with her husband. To be fair to my brother-in-law, he does appear to be contrite and wants to work on salvaging his marriage. But, if someone can live a lie for over ten years, how do you tell if he is contrite or not? I can see my sister's point of view. I don't think this issue can just be wrapped up as if it did not happen. And, she is very clear that she does not want a divorce, at least not yet. She is saying that she wants some space to think. Some time to exhale and get her bearings together about what happened. My mother says she is being spoilt. My mother says if you are a mother, there is no exhaling out of your children's needs. I hate that my mother is using the kids to "blackmail" my sister. But, I understand where my mother is coming from. It is difficult to get the right answer in this kind of situation. The kids seem to be adjusting okay. My niece is no longer having the nightmares that a monster took her father away. But, I am still concerned about her. She is very close to her father and I hope she does not start acting out. I felt that she was unusually quiet when I went to visit them before Thanksgiving and I mentioned it to her parents. Her father said he had noticed and he would try to get to the root of what was going on with his daughter. But, my sister snapped at me. She said that she is my niece's mother and she would know if her daughter is going through something or not. I was a bit hurt by my sister's reaction to my "good faith" observation. But, I know she is dealing with a lot, so I cut her some slack. Her husband is staying in an apartment in DC now, while the kids and my sister live in the family home.
Well, my father told his wife to come back home because my sister asked my mother to leave. Yes, o! Can you imagine? Apparently, my mum had been trying to get her to do as she advised, talking, blackmailing etc, etc. Sha, my sister got annoyed and said that she should go and pack her load and leave. Can you imagine?? It is like film trick. My sister told my mother that she is a grown woman and it is not my mum that will teach her how to live her life. True, but, apparently, she told my mother all sorts of other horrible things. Like how my parents never wanted her to marry her husband anyway, so why is my mother behaving as if she is upset? (That is so horrible because my mother is genuinely upset about the situation. The time I went to see them before Thanksgiving, I woke up in the middle of the night to go and use the bathroom. My mother was prostrate on the floor of the room, praying and crying and all her prayers were about my sister's marriage. Moreover, my mother was fasting on both days that I was there and you don't need to be Einstein to know the focus of her fast.) She also said that my mother cannot make up her mind whether she is her mother or her husband's mother. (Another petty and horrible thing to say. They have been married for so many years, it is a bit late in the day not to expect that good parents would treat both of you like their kids. Grow up!!) Then, she also said that my mother wants her to remain in a marriage full of distrust and betrayal just so she can keep her head up that both her daughters are married. (Another horrible thing to say. While it is true that my mother, like most mothers, would like to keep saying that both her daughters are "happily" married, my mother is interested in the happiness of my sister's entire family. As she kept telling me, she, my mother, lives for her family. And, God is against broken marriages. He is a healer, but my sister has to allow Him, God, to enter the situation and heal. There is nothing he cannot do. Egbon e o gbodo gb'eshu laye, ishe eshu le eleyi, Bibeli so be (i.e., your sister must not give the devil a chance in this situation. This is the work of the devil as the Bible says.) I felt like telling my mother that the devil entered via my brother-in-law, not through my sister. But, it felt like an academic, unreal argument in this situation so I dropped it.) Well, let us just say tempers flared and things that ought not to have been said were said.
My sister is the sweetest, most giving, sensitive, homely woman that I know. Honestly, she is. One day, I will write about her. But, she is a bad place now. And, she is acting out a lot of frustration to the wrong people. So, I know, I know she did not mean all those things. My mum knows too. But, my mum was really upset. They had this fight at night and my sister apparently said my mother had to leave that night. Can you imagine? Anyway, so that is how my nephew now called me in the middle of the night and said Aunty, you have to help now, grandma and my mum are having a fight. They did not know he was still awake. So, I told him to go and give the phone to them and I started mediating over the phone from NY. I told my mother that I was sorry on behalf of my sister, etc. My sister too apologized and you know, I thought it was over.
I thought the matter was done until my pop called me a couple of hours later to tell me that he is banking on me to ensure that his wife leaves American soil by tonight. That is exactly what he said. Apparently, after I mended the fences, instead of mumsie to just give it a rest for the night, she went into my sister room to continue talking to her. Dat na how my sister head spark, she call her papa and talk say make her papa tell his wife that she should come home. Apparently, she was quite rude to my father too. And, my papa no dey tolerate that kin' behavior. The tolerance of person wey carry you for nine months, give you bobby, raise you, dey high pass anoda person. So, even as my mama beg my papa reach, na so he talk say make she return home. As you can imagine, none of us is happy about the whole thing. My mother in particular is very depressed. I feel sorry. And, my sister feels very guilty. She has apologized to my parents, but popsie's order stands. Me tinks the man was missing his wife and this is a perfect excuse.
So, na so my mama no even reach NY come see us before she goes back to Naija. May be it is all good because Boo is not exactly feeling either of our parents now with their "opposition to our baby" as he puts it. I keep telling him that they are not opposed to our baby, who is an innocent, sweet child. They are opposed to adoption and I know that, by God's Grace, they will get over it. So, don't create more of a schism than neccessary. Abi, my people, the matter tire me o! But, my Boo, sometimes, once he gets a point of view on a situation, he holds on tenaciously. My sister has decided to take her kids to Naija for New Year, partly to go and apologize in person to my father and, again, to my mother. Also, she just wants to get away. It will be good for her. She is planning to leave her kids with my parents or Akin and Laide in Lagos and go to a resort in Accra for a long weekend on her own or with her childhood friend, Sayo. Sayo is good people. With or without Sayo, I hope she comes back refreshed. She is behaving so out of character. I want my "real" sister back. This woman that has invaded her body is not my sister. I wish married people will put thought into the possible wide-ranging ramifications of their actions. I wish my sister's hubby had thought: before I do this, what could possibly happen? What are the possible ways in which everybody can be affected? It is the least he could have done.
Well, gotta go. Work is calling.
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Posted by Marin| 17.12.2006 16:37