Sometin Dey O!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I moved to Boo’s parents’ house last week.  Ah, before I start the tori, first let me congratulate all you mothers and wish you well on Mothers’ Day.  We don do Mother’s Day in Naija in March.  So, I am so special, I have two Mothers’ Days.  Me sef, I congratulate myself for the first (second, first in March) time in my life jare that Happy Mothers’ Day to me.  Wo, will I not greet myself if you don’t greet me?  Will I not?  Na today ah don dey wait to be among? Is there any need to lie that I am not on cloud nine today?  No be you people?  Wetin una no know about me?  Abeg!! Wonderful day for me o! Because I have been smiling and feeling fine and cheery like everybody else all these years, you don’t know how this Mothers’ Day, I always wanted to be among?  You want to start lying now?  I thank Osanobua for making me among, o.  Please, rejoice with me.  I said rejoice with me now! Wetin do you? Okay, na you sabi, if una no want to rejoice, that is your own business.  As for me, I am singing and dancing here.  In fact, I have Cece Winans’ Anybody Wanna Pray playing as high as I can have it in my parents-in-law’s house.  You want me to be making noise? No, o! As per good iyawo concern, I am just playing it sofri-sofri.  But di main tin is to play it.

So, that is how Boo called me the other day that he wants me to move to his parents’ house.  I said ehen-hen, okay, I am feeling sleepy, let us talk tomorrow. You know sometimes, when Boo says some things, I just have an urge to go to the toilet and shit some hot shit. Why are you looking disgusted? You wey be expert for shitting by the roadside and using the remains to do shot-put!  You don come Amerika now, una don forget say you be shot-put major.  Anyway, na so I just comot for phone go first of all clear some hot shit from my body. Ehen, den I sat up thinking pe, eewo!  Wo, you people, it is not that I don’t want to stay with them.  I mean, I cannot lie, they are nice people.  As far in-laws go, I cannot lie, they are okay o.  Before God will punish me, make I talk true.  But, you know with the whole adoption issue and their strong opposition, Boo and I just decided that let me stay with Akin and Laide because those ones were very supportive of the decision.  We just said, wo, fashee the parents on both sides. Since we don’t have our own place in Lagos where I can stay, let me just stay with awon Akin.  Moreover, I was very, very comfortable and free  in Laide and Akin’s place. Much kudos to Laide who really made me feel at home.  Because me, once my brother is married like this, ah no dey find trouble.  You can ask Ndate too. Even Banke that I don’t know which one her and Yele are doing wit dis kind yeye long engagement, ah no dey too insult myself for dia house. Abeg!  Not that I was expecting any trouble at all from Laide but, I was ready to just do je-je.  Wherever they put me that is where they will find me. Before the gist will be how one barren sister in law from Amerika came to spoil  her home.  Ah, you know our people now! My dears, me, ah no dey like anytin wey person go use to dorti me, so me sef, ah no dey look for trouble.  As ah close reach wit Ndate and Laide, ah no fit go dia house, begin enter pot of soup anyhow and enter dia bedroom say ah dey look for sometin, unless ah first get permission.  Odawise, person dey look for insult be dat now.  When no be say ah no get pot of soup for my house! Na di food you give me ah go chop. Ah no dey carry sometin widout asking.  You know, all that carefulness because na when you wowo yourself person fit dey do you anyhow.  But, Laide, no way!  She made me feel totally at home; very comfortable so you can imagine that I was settled in their house. Then, Dr. Boo now came with his brilliant idea. 

So, that night, I thought about it and prayed about it.  I knew that Boo would be extremely unhappy for me to say that I am not going to stay there. So, that was not an option. It could even lead to one of those: I am telling you as my wife that you have to go and stay there. Abeg, ah no wan give anybody hala such that he will now think he has to issue ultimatum and follow through because I am undermining his authority. Not so?  So, I now thought all night o, that what can I say that I won’t go there and it will not be as if I don’t want to go? So, I thought and thought and I said: Eureka!   So, he now called the next day and said so, when am I moving to his parents house? Hear o; no more I want you to move.  So, I said, Boo, it is not right that I should go o. Can you imagine how Laide and Akin will feel? That it won’t look nice after they have been so nice for me to just get up one day and say I am going.  My dears, Eureka NOT!!! What did I say, EUREKA, NOT!!!!  Na so Boo laugh one kind small laugh! Sho!! He said, o, yes, you are right, that is why I called Akin and explained the situation to him and he is fine with it.  Can you imagine that type of coup?  My dears, I was flabberwhelmed and overgasted.  Let me not lie. Is ga ju!  Na real the spinner has been spun.  So, I said, ehen-hen.  Are you sure he is fine with it. He said yes, he is.  I thought abi, make ah rough am begin ‘hala say e suppoz tell me before he go begin discuss our mata wit Akin, but knowing Boo, e know me well, well. E don anticipate and corner my next move, that is why he told Akin. It was deliberate.  So, na so, ah just look say my husband don play me be dat say na im be oga of playas so make ah just coolele!

So, as per pe my plan don yamutu I just kept quiet.  So, Boo now moved into toast master mode.  Sebi, I told you I love the man?  Did I not tell you?  So, he now started: how he understands my reluctance even though I am not expressing it (na wa for mind reader o, not so?), how he wishes he was in Naija with me and our son, how I should please do this for him, how he loves me and he just wants me to do this.  That he will make it up to me, that he knows I am comfortable and relaxed in awon Akin’s place, but that BB and I should really be with his own family, that it does not look right as things are now, that his parents are coming round, so let us meet them halfway and good for BB too, how he promises to build or buy a place in Lagos so that we will have a place to call our own where I can relax and be comfortable going forward, how I should just do this because we both know it is the right thing to do. Anyway, long and short, na so the bobo toast baby gal sotay o. Ah come begin cry. You know say tear plenty for my eyes now?  But how for do now?  No be my husband?  There was nothing else I could say that would not be classified as aseju (overdo). Abi, di man sha acknowledged my position. And, you know that was so important to me.  Just acknowledge my position and he did. Okay, whatever, maybe I am trying to convince myself that I was not a wuss. But, honestly, I mean like, what else could he have done? 

And, so far, I have spent two nights with BB here now. Everything has been so far so good. BB had started sleeping in a crib in awon Laide’s house, but here, he sleeps on the bed with me again.  I think that is taking some getting used to for both of us.  But, nothing that loads of pillows round the sides of the bed cannot cure.  Of course, I am back on cooking duty. There is no rest for the wicked, and I no be wicked person o. Haba, how for do? They have a cook o, but Boo’s mum still likes to do some cooking so as per pe daughter in law now, I have to be in the kitchen with her.  For brownie points, I made yam pottage last night. I think they appreciated the gesture and enjoyed it.

But, the real drama was, who else, my mother!  So, that is how the day after agreeing with Boo that I will move, I went to my parents’ place to visit.  I was going to a cocktail party with Laide and Akin that evening so I went to borrow some simple jewelry from mumsie to go with the frock that I was wearing.  Na real frock o. You see fashion don become sometin for Naija.  Na Ankara frock wey Laide tailor sew for me.  Come and see fashion in Lagos? Come and see fashion?  People are doing things with Ankara and Adire. All I can say is do not joke with Naija women.  Anyway, back to my tori, so, I sat down with her and popsie for a while.   And, then I said I am moving to my parents in law’s place.  My father said: I knew the chap would come to his senses eventually.  He smiled and he got up and left mumsie and I. I now turned to mumsie and I said, what? What was that about.  She said the chap that my father was referring to was Boo and that both of them had been looking at us all these days that whether it is Akin and Laide that own BB or it is Boo’s family.  That what sense did we think we were using when we decided that BB and I will stay with awon Akin? (Abeg, sorry for the grammar here o, na translation from Yoruba this whole convo with my mama. Ah no sabi Oyinbo too much)  I tell you, my parents are something else.  This is how I opened my mouth.  I said, well, you know  I could not stay with either set of parents initially because you were all against the adoption.  So, my mumsie in her usually way of telling you something and not really telling you, na so she come land one Yoruba proverb: gbogbo alangba lo f’inu gbo’le , a m’eleyi  ti inu run (all the lizards have their stomachs on the ground such that if one of them has a stomach ache, you would never be able to tell).  She now said ehen, that so because Boo’s parents were against the adoption, our sense told us that we should kuku carry fight with them up to the point that we invited the whole world to know something was wrong by my not staying there?  That even if my husband is not wise, as a woman, I should know better than to compromise my son’s position in Boo’s family, whether they like it or not. 

Eheyi! My mumsie yabbed me o.  That since I came home to bring a child into Boo’s family, what were we thinking when we did not stay in the family home?  That she has told me, the way I always behave like Oyinbo as if she did not teach me the nuances of our culture.  That at any time, did Boo’s parents tell us point blank that I could not stay in their house or that BB cannot stay in their house? That she repeats, did they ever say so? So, why did we take the decision not to stay there? She now said that she has been warning me, that I am not a child.  That she has been warning me o!  That now that we let the schism occur now and we are so wise to be staying in Akin’s house, that I should count myself blessed that Boo’s people are decent.  That what if they wanted to make hell and say, okay, you and your child that you are raising in your brother’s house, continue raising him from there?  That what will I do? That the loss in such a situation is more for me than for Boo because Boo will always be their son, it is my own son that will have to be looking for his father’s family and given the circumstances of his birth, I won’t get much sympathy from anyone in our society.  That so, I should be thinking like a well brought up Yoruba child, not some mongrel (she used that word) that is a hybrid between Oyinbo and whatever else I am claiming to be.

She was not done o!  That she has been looking at me all these days. That I was not even bothered about Boo’s family; that I really have chest! That it is my father that told her to hold her counsel o!  That adoption is a delicate issue, so we have to stoop to conquer with Boo’s family. That it is all well and good that my own family have accepted BB, but such acceptance is nothing if his Boo’s family does not accept him.  So I have my work cut out for me.  That I should really be thanking God that his family is not the terrible type, otherwise, I will know that aiye pe meji (there are two types of worlds).  My dears, what can I say? Shock was truly mine.  So, I now said Mum, we were just trying to avoid confrontation and I would not have been comfortable there.  She now said, first she wants to deal with that my request for comfort.  That in Yoruba, some will say that the word, Iyawo (wife) is actually made up of two words:

Iya – Suffer

Wo – Watch

So, a wife who is not prepared to keep watch on the prize of her marriage even while suffering or discomfort in her husband’s family is not yet ready to make her marriage work.  That so, I will be uncomfortable, so what?  Is that discomfort anything compared to my son not being accepted in Boo’s family?  And that what is the discomfort? Did they tell me to not to stay there?  Did they not come and d’ana (I am not sure what d’ana is in English, it is basically, marrying a woman properly according to Yoruba custom) so, I have a right to be in their house and I should exercise it in the interest of the innocent child, BB. That I have not seen discomfort!  That when she married my father and went with him and my older brother Laja to spend two weeks in my grandmother’s mud home in Omi-Adio after they came back from England, did she say no, she is the child of this and that, so she cannot go to her husband’s family home?  That if that is the approach she had adopted, would she and Iya Oniru be so close today?  That won’t my father’s family continually have seen us, her children, as outsiders even though we were also my father’s children.  That discomfort is those women who are forced to live their entire married lives with unkind in-laws, that that is discomfort.  That what is the discomfort in living in a nice big house with Boo’s parents?  So, I may have been ill at ease because they did not want the adoption, but is it because they did not like me? Has she not explained to me that adoption is foreign to our culture and so, patience is key?

She said as for confrontation, that she knows Boo’s parents, they would never have confronted me.  That they are decent people (this na my mama wey no too send Boo’s mama o!).  That it is for me to know how to navigate living with them, given all the drama surrounding BB.  That the key to living to avoid confrontation is, as she has always told me: Ewe suru (the leaves of patience).  My mama yab me no be small! Eheyi. My mumsie, ever the drama queen, na so, her voice dey break small, small that ehen, o that sometimes, she just wonders where she went wrong and she has been asking God to show her.  Because there is my sister, driving her husband into the hands of other women because he made a mistake and had a child with a woman that is dead o!  “If the woman was alive, what will your sister do? Kill her husband?  I have spoken to her and spoken to her but no, her husband must not move back into the house, she cannot be with him!  Okay, do you still want a husband or you now want to be going around with the badge of divorcee as if it is a good thing? So, I have warned her, somebody else will willingly be with your husband.  I have warned her, even if you cannot bring yourself to sleep with him yet, let him back in the house.  Let him back in the house, at least, he cannot bring another woman to be sleeping with him under that roof.  But, in a flat (not apartment o) in DC, do you know what he is getting up to?  Ehen, the devil has done his own, instead of you to drive him aside, but she has decided to assist him to wreck her marriage. Well,  your father has said I should leave her.  I cannot leave her to throw away her marriage with anger that does not make sense.  She has a reason to be angry but there are ways to deal with the issue, not what she is doing.  There is no marriage that does not have challenges.  I keep asking God what is wrong with both of you? May be it is something they put in the water in that your America!”

Then, that me, I came with my own; me, the one with the good in-laws, and I refuse to use my sense.  That I sometimes behave like someone who has no sense and discernment.  But that she will keep praying for me because I should just thank God for the kind of family Boo has if not, won ba she e bi oshe she s’oju (dem go do you as soap does the eye).  Sebi, I am telling them that my brother has a house, what if they say, okay, kuku be staying there from now on?  What will you a married woman do? She now said that when I get there, after I drop my baggage in my room, I should take BB and go and meet Boo’s parents, and get on my knees and beg them. So, I was like okay, so you have been yabbing me for about 30 minutes, but you are going a bit over the top now.  Of course, I did not say anything; I was just looking at her because my mumsie was actually quite pissed and upset by this time.  So, she said I should tell them that I am sorry that I did not stay there initially, that Boo and I were just a bit confused about the whole issue and how to handle it, and that I am begging them not to be annoyed, that I did not mean to slight them.  She said, I should make sure that I do it o, and if I like I should go there and be doing like Oyinbo that is not well brought up.  That nobody can say that she did not teach her children but every day she asks God. That look at Yele too, living with a woman all these years, then he says okay, he will marry, then now, he is silent again.  By now, she was crying! That when she gets to God, she knows that he will not blame her because she and my father tried their best; that people that did not do half of what they did, their children are not behaving stupidly. That see Laja too, his children think they are Senegalese and he is not bothered by that? Will he be the first person to marry a non-Nigerian? That, well, they taught us what was right.  That where did Yele learn to be living with a woman without marriage? That that is a grievous sin against the Holy Spirit, yet Yele, her own son, her own son that she taught the right thing sees nothing wrong in it.  By now, my mum was really crying.  And, I am thinking , okay, so your children are not perfect so, what? I mean, come on, Laja is fine, he is thriving professionally and personally, so his children are more culturally affiliated with their Senegalese side than their Nigerian side, so what? They don’t think that they are Senegalese!  They visit Nigeria, they know that they are Nigerian, but in Paris, they are more exposed to Senegalese influences, what do you want their father to say.  And, well, Yele, I have no idea what is going on there. Yele is clamming up about getting married.  Well, I sha kept silent because obviously, my ever positive, always up beat mother had been bottling up a lot on her children.  You would think we were all nea’ do wells the way she was going on.  But, no, we are not.  So, we are not perfect, so what? Whose kids are perfect?

My dears, na so I silent o! Abi?  If anyone told me that my Mumsie was feeling this kind of angst about her children, I would have said no.  Let us just say, I just sat there looking like Look[wo]man, o!  Then, after about thirty minutes of crying to her heart’s content and then sniffing and drying her tears, she now said God is in control.  I was like, I know he is because ah sure don’t know where all that came from.  Then, she said I should follow her to her room to get the jewelry.  I followed her in silence, got it and left BB with her for the night, and went back to Akin and Laide’s to get ready for the cocktail.  I ended up passing on the cocktail. I just wanted to reflect on my session with my Mum. Who would think my mum had all that bottled up?  And, I know there is more where that came from! But, come o, can you imagine how my mum will feel if she ever gets to see this diary.  I am rethinking this diary very seriously after that session with my mama. Let me not lie. I am very sad that my mum is dissatisfied with all of us.  Well, I guess apart from Akin. Funny, Akin was the one that gave my parents the greatest hassle growing up.  Who would have tank dat a guy who blew an entire semester’s pocket money in university in England on Bob Marley records and music equipment would be the person that is now the blue eyed child of the family? Who would think that a guy who was expelled for two weeks for smoking a substance suspected (but never proven because he flushed it down the toilet )to be weed in his A-Level school in England would be the point of reference for his very sane siblings? Well, this is not a joke.  I have seen my mum twice since that session.  She is back to herself.  I want some time to pass and then I will raise everything with her.  Now that I know how she feels, I feel compelled to get involved in Yele and Oyeladun’s (you keep forgetting my sister’s name) issues.  I guess I am a bit selfish as a sibling.  But, then, again, I am not a mother to them.  I mean, Yele just needs to get married or get the hell out of this limbo place with Banke.  I just don’t understand both of them, right.  I mean, what the hell with setting a date, then unsetting it, and then not setting anything again.  I mean, how long do they want to be engaged for? You’d tank dat almost 11 years of dating would be sufficient to know what they want, right? Then, Oyeladun is another one.  Dat one is a hard one.  But, if she does want the man to still be her husband, my mum has a point. I have been so caught up in my own stuff with BB, I have not given her much thought. Plus, she keeps saying I don’t want to discuss it when you try and raise it with her. How do you discuss with a brick wall?  As for any concerns she has with Laja, men, mumsie is on her own. I think her concerns are a bit contrived but who born me to tell her on that day?

Anyway, I am off. I will be gisting you about the move to Boo’s house later.  Ehen, before I forget, Okey lost his petition for custody.  Ngo called me on her way back from the court house last week Thursday. She said surprisingly, she was not elated, just relieved that she does not have to deal with his son and the son’s mother.  She said, Okey took it quite well on the surface but she knows that he is very, very upset on the inside.  He got additional visitation, which Ngo can deal with and he also got more say in decisions to be made about the son, such as religion.  Apparently, the mother has a Muslim boyfriend now and Okey is concerned that they may be trying to convert the boy to Islam.  So, he wants to make sure that the boy is not going to any Islamic classes or being taught about Islam at home.  Anyway, na so life be. Let me be off.

See as I just dumped on you!  How are you doing?

Robot  Villager

# 1 First let me congratulate all you mothers and wish you well on Mothers’ Day. We don do Mother’s Day in Naija in March. So, I am so special, I have two Mothers’ Days. Me sef, I congra...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 22.09.2008 07:31