Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Mixed Blessings, You and Me

So my peeps, this is going to be real short because it has to be real short. Don't ask me question, abeg. I say it has to be short. Don't let me vex with you o. So, my dears, how are you? I am fine o. I am fine where you people left me. I dey like Dele: woman no die, woman no rotten. I have been working like a dog for a little while and because of small, small lack of discipline, I just never got round to writing this entry.

First things first, so breast cancer awareness month ended in October. Did you get your boobies checked out? I hope you did: mammogram, lump check? And, while you were at it, did you just kuku do your physical? What of your pap smear, complete with HPV check? My brodas, how about you? Remember good old Shaft had breast cancer o. Yes, he did. So, hope you checked out the twins and their big (or is their small :-).) brother? Did you do your check up? I don't like the way brothas are dying out. See my man, Gerald Levart? He died o! So, please, no shaking, get checked up. If you have insurance, there is no reason not to get your check up. Why would you just be paying premiums and not using it? If you don't have insurance investigate free health initiatives. Hard to find but if you have time to read Soul Sista's Diary, you have time to investigate.

Okay, enough of goody two shoes. Where was I? Folarin moved out of our house over the weekend. Boy, am I relieved? I am o. He moved to an apartment not too far from where he and Bassey lived. He came to talk to me just before he left. He said that he knew that I did not really want him there, but that he appreciated that I still did everything to make him feel at home. I was quite shocked by his frankness. I did not say a word, I just smiled. I was not about to deny not wanting him there. I am fake, but not that fake. He said he had been going through a rough time and he appreciated that we did not treat him like the devil incarnate. He said he knew that he had made mistakes but that he was ready to move on with his life. What was I to say and why was he telling me all this mother of all confessions? I just thought to myself: fool, wife beater, I still don't like you, I still don't like you and you are very lucky that my husband is the head of this home, otherwise, you and your freaking frankness would have been out on the street. But, of course, you know I just smiled; perfect hostess and wife to his good friend. I told him that his life is in God's hands and that he should pray for God to take control of the entire situation. Yes, there is still no art to divine the heart of [wo]man so I could say all that with a smile.

I am going to Naija in two weeks time, or sha by the end of the month. I should be in Naija until next year. It is going to be hard for Boo and I because he is going to be here most of the time. He will go back and forth. Well, it will be hard for me sha. I don't know about him. But, I will miss my man, especially because I don't really know when I will be back exactly. Okay, this is why. I have been hinting you guys about our adoption move. I was not really ready to talk in great detail about it. Even now, I am not really ready. When we went home, we visited a number of orphanages and motherless babies homes with a view to identifying a baby boy for adoption. Yes o, boy. Boo has always wanted a son and I just want a healthy baby. I wanted a daughter first but, where I am at right now, healthy baby will do just fine. There were so many administrative hiccups and a disturbing lack of frankness in certain places we visited. In the end, we identified a baby boy that we liked in a place that we were comfortable with. He is a cute little thing, with long limbs like my Boo. They told us the story of how he came to be there: life is hard. He was crying when we first met him. I wish I could tell you that I carried him and he stopped crying immediately. For where? The small man continued crying, o. It was actually quite embarrassing that he did not take to me, immediately. My Tanzanian friend, Charity and her Dutch husband, Jaab adopted two babies from Tanzania after trying for years to have kids naturally. When Cha-Cha (as I call her) tells you the story of the adoption of their first child, you will just be crying. She talked about how when she and Jaab went to the orphanage, the baby was crying and as soon as she carried him, he stopped. She says that is how she was sure that that was their baby. Well, this baby did not give me any such assurance. He continued yelling his head off when I carried him. But, Boo and I took a liking to him all the same. I can still hear the sound of his cry now. I think there is a determined strength in that cry. My boisterous little one who will not keep quiet until he gets what he wants. Just in case you are getting any ideas, on that day, what he wanted was food. Eventually, he allowed Boo to give him a bottle.

Anyway, everyone that we spoke to about the process in Naija, including someone at the orphanage, advised us not to show interest in only one baby. They said we should keep our options open and show interest in more than one until we are sure that we have one. I could not believe it. I know many people think that adoption is like buying a baby. It is not. Yes, you will spend money, but it is not a purchase. It is not like, o, I like this baby or this one or this one or that one. You have to connect with the baby. And, that is the baby that we liked. That is the baby that we want. We already have beautiful Yoruba names for him. So, we did not express interest in any other baby. But, I tell you, it has been an arduous process. Laide, God bless her soul, is the person that has been helping us to monitor the process and visiting the orphanage regularly to ensure that nothing funny is going on. To give you an example, some people we met while in the process told us how the baby they were planning to adopt was given to another Nigerian couple from South Africa, just like that. I will tell you that it appears to us that foreign based Nigerians are given preference in the adoption process in certain places. I know that is not right, but I am not about to change the system right now. What? You want me to lie to you? Okay, I am crusading to change the system. Happy? I think the couple we met was shunted because they live in Nigeria and probably the other couple greased some palms. The Nigerian-based couple, with whom we have now become friendly, were never been able to figure out what happened.

Akin is taking care of the legal side for us. He has never done anything but commercial and corporate work so I really appreciate that he is doing this. He is learning the laws and regulations as he goes along but there is nothing like knowing that it is our own people that are helping us out. I am very grateful for their support. My father has now come out openly to say he is against it. My mother is not openly supportive. Boo's parents are against it, as well. No one is hostile. But, it hurts because all we want is to be happy and it would be nice if we were sure that our son's grand-parents would accept him. When I go home, I will stay with Laide and Akin. I have to be home for a little while during which the baby will be with me. Boo will come and go. In Naija, you have to foster a child before you can adopt the child legally so we have to come home for a while. Also, you have to appear personally in court for the adoption proceedings. We want to do things the right way. But, I tell you, it is a blessing that Laide's mother used to be a civil servant with Lagos State. She knows quite a number of people in the Ministry of Youth, Sports and Social Development and the Ministry of Justice so that our papers are receiving the attention that they should.

Then, of course, there is all the 'hala of completing forms and filing papers here so that he can come back with us and get an American passport here when we get back. At least, the information on this side is much more accessible and the rules and regulations are much more straightforward and clear. I know that we will be very, very happy at the end of this process, but it is emotionally draining. And, you know, there are all the tinges of doubt. Are we doing the right thing? For us? For him? Can we make the decision to change his life just because we are adults? What if his birth parents surface? We know he is healthy and we are actually now ensuring that he remains healthy. One of my friends, Awele is a pediatrician and she has been seeing him and keeping us apprised of how he is doing. But, what if he is not healthy? But then, I think, if he were my biological child, would it matter if he is not healthy? Why am I thinking of that? What kind of mother am I going to be? Will we love him as much as we should? If we do have a biological child, as we pray we do, will we love that child more than him? I know you guys don't want to hear this kind of talk but, can I be frank? We have been reading up as much as we can on adoption. There is the good, the bad and the damn ugly. All we can do is try our best and pray to God to guide us. Despite these concerns, we know that this is the right decision for us. I have been talking about how we will have our son by the end of the year, but Boo has had to keep giving me a reality check that it is not done till it is done. In my mind, I know, but can you blame me for keeping hope alive?

Okey went back home on Sunday. It was Ngo's older brother, Azu that finally put an end to the stand-off between them. Ngo did not tell Azu. Apparently, Okey called Azu in New Mexico and asked him to intervene. According to Azu, they spoke "man-to-man." When I heard that, I was like ehen, which wuruwuru have they decided to play on Ngo? But, I allowed her to speak. Azu told her that he understands where she is coming from, but that she also needs to understand that Okey cannot abandon his son. He asked her to consider that she too has sons and that if the time comes when they need their father, he hopes that she will understand if Okey decides that he is not available for them, after all he would have abandoned one son, why not two others? When Ngo raised the issue of him leaving the home, the original deceit about the existence of this son, and how bad it made her feel that he was prepared to abandon their home, including her own sons, because of his "precious" son, Azu asked her to look at it another way. He asked her whether Okey would have gotten her attention if he did not move out? He asked her whether she would ever have given any serious thought to this issue that was exercising her husband's mind every waking moment if Okey had not done something so out of character? Ngo said no, but must he get his way? Azu said no, but Ngo, do you expect him to abandon his son? Do you expect him to sit down and watch his son waste his life? Ngo, remember that you have sons. Anyway, her and Azu went back and forth. Finally, Azu decided to come down to New Jersey last Thursday. And, he told both of them that he was not leaving until they resolved their differences. Long and short, my friend, long suffering wife and excellent mother, is going to have another child in her house if Okey is able to gain custody. It is unfair, but, then, who said marriage is fair? A day dreamer. It is his shit and he should deal with it. No way! Does "for better for worse" sound familiar to you? For worse!!! Ngo is very hurt; but she is strong, I know she will work it out. She is very upset with Azu. She asked him whether he was there as her brother or Okey's brother? To which he responded in Igbo: "Marriage is not a bed of roses. It is not because I am happy everyday that I remain with my husband. I do it because of my people."

Ngo says that her last weapon is to ensure that Okey does not get custody. She has to be very careful about that. I have put her in touch with a lawyer in Newark who does family law to discuss what the requirements are. For one, the child services admin. will have to come to Ngo's house to check it out and to interview Ngo, Okey, and possibly their kids. What they find will be very important in helping the court to reach its decision. Because the boy already visits with them, the report is important, not only for this custody matter but also as an update on the conditions in the home when visitation occurs. A lot is at stake for Okey and Ngo must play smart. Luckily for Ngo, the mother is fighting custody all the way. She said she will never allow her son to live with Ngo and Okey full time. I have told Ngo, as a tactic with the mother, just stand by your man. If the mother sees that you are against it, she may decide just to annoy you, to align with Okey. I don't know how this will play out. But, I don't see the court awarding custody to Okey unless the there is something wrong with the mother. She does not do drugs, she has a job, she is not an alcoholic. I mean, there is nothing wrong with her lifestyle. She just does not seem to be able to raise the boy properly. Of course, the fact that there is no male influence on him on a regular basis must be part of the problem. But, I don't see an American court changing custody on the ground that the mother has no male influence around the boy. I think, at the most, Okey may end up getting more visitation. We will see how this plays out. But Ngo is taking no chances. She refuses to raise another woman's child when the woman is alive and well to do so herself, and most certainly not a child born in such circumstances of deceit to her as this one. Well, for now, leave mata for Mathias, abi?

Hilary made partner! She did, o yes, she did. I am so, so, so happy for her. My girl, she worked so hard for that prize and she deserves it. So Hilary is going to be rolling with the big boys and girls now. She is the first minority woman partner in our firm. She is the only woman to have made partner in the last five years. Yes, it is still a pretty Waspy male network around here, with two specks of male color. She is the third minority to make partner. The first two were Black males in their fifties. But, my gal, she gave it all that it was worth. Hilary worked those hours from day one, billing as much as 2900 billable hours last year, for example. She is a "citizen" of the firm. Name it, Hilary got involved in it. She had her eye on the prize and she is damn good at what she does. She says her mother broke down in tears when she told her. Her parents are Jamaican immigrants. They emigrated to this country with their two daughters. Her mother was a lawyer in Jamaica but when she got here, she became a teacher. Her father was an engineer. He became a refrigerator technician when they moved here, eventually opening his own workshop. Her parents' marriage unraveled, after her father ran off with a white woman. Her mother raised Hilary and her older sister, Aurelia, practically by herself. Both Aurelia and Hilary have done very, very well by our worldly standards. They are both double Ivy leaguers, i.e., college and grad. school. Aurelia is a managing director with a hedge fund on Wall Street. For their mother who started out as a lawyer and, then, had to abandon law to give her daughters a better life, Hilary becoming a lawyer was a pretty big deal. But, to become a partner in a law firm is the icing on the cake. Those tears run deep. Boo and I are having a shindig for her in our place over Thanksgiving. I am mighty proud of her and very happy too. Give ma gal a round of applause, you all!! Yes, another one!!!

I know that you are waiting for the gist on my cousin. See you, preying on a young girl like my cousin. Is she your mate? What? If she follow Lebanese nko? Love is sharing and caring. It is what makes the world go round. Watch this space tomorrow for the full details. I know, I am tired. This entry is supposed to be short. Guess who I heard playing at Crate and Barrel last week? Sunny Ade's music. Yes, live and direct at the Crate and Barrel on 59th and Madison. I almost did not believe it at first. Then I was like "dance, dance, dance and forget your sorrow." That is my man, Sunny now, abi or is it Shina? Recognize.

So, the year is about to end o. Get your financial planning tools out for next year. Let us get real. Abi you came to look at bridge ni? For more information on financial planners, see http://www.sec.gov/answers/finplan.htm and http://www.cfp.net/Upload/Publications/185.pdf Ladies, yes, you, tatafo who came here to read gist. You, ehen, you, why are you looking away? What is your financial plan for next year? What is your goal and how do you plan to reach there? And, you, gentuluman. Yes, you who will never let us rest about how you will retire by the time you are fifty. If there is more to that line than hooking up a sister, where is the plan? There are only so many more days to make charitable contributions that will be tax deductible for this year. What are you planning to do, sista? Instead of taking advantage of the sales and sinking into debt, why not make that money work for you? I know you have to be well turned out, hell, I am with you on that one. I just got my brown fuck me boots polished today and I am stepping out in them tomorrow. But, how well turned out are our finances? Okay, my bad, I should mind my own business abi? Give yourself a gift this year, Suze Orman's Nine Steps to Financial Freedom. Very simple book; my Boo says too simple, but we all have to start somewhere. Check out her on line resources here:

http://www.suzeorman.com/igsbase/igstemplate.cfm?SRC=SP&SRCN=library_viewall&GnavID=20&SnavID=19

Build a nest egg, Sista, Brotha. Look into maxing out your 401K contribution next year. The max contribution next year is $15,500. That is $15,500 non-taxed Benjamins. If your company matches, you might as well be leaving money on the table and walking away if you are not maxing out your 401K. But, don't listen to Soul Sizzling, she is not qualified to give financial advice. Please, just seek financial advice and do what is right. Make hay while the sun shines.

Peace out. Okay, so it was not short. Sue me!

Sizzling saying of the day for she who knows herself: Pepper soup is not complete until you add Uzazi seeds.