* Ewo Gele Yayaa L'ori Ajigbotoko (Parts 1 and 2)

Hmmmm!  Hmmmmmmm!  Did you people hear? Okay, let me try again HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!! Satisfied????? Yeye.  Why you dey do like say no be greet, ah greet you.  Darleeeeeeennnssssssssssssss!!   My darleens.  You see how I love you?  Even Boo sef, it is not any how that I call him darleen.  Ah, you have to economize dat darleen a bit for my Boo o, odawise, he will be feeling too tight with himself.  Den, I am greeting you, and I am  all over you like hmmmm! and darleen and you  are  just doing me any how.  Comon, y'all should show a sista some good luvin'.  Abeg, I will carry my waka go o.   Yeye, as if you begged me to come. No mind me jo .  Am just kidding wit you.  How now?  Di eye wey see una dey very old o!

Naija is Booming

So, how far now?  My darleens, how far?  My dears, too far!  Naija is too live and too direct!  Repeat after me:  Naija is too live and too direct.  My dears, if no be say Boo wey one pamu for 'Morika,  me I am home o.  What did I say?  I am home!  Naija is where it is at.  Don't let anyone deceive you o.   This country is happening.  I am telling you that it is happening in dis country, especially if you have skills that you have acquired abroad, Naija is getting hotter by the day. If you are working in the financial services, legal, telecoms, information technology, or oil and gas industries outside Naija, you would be doing yourself a great disservice not to look into Naija on and off, starting yesterday. No be say you get to come home, but get involved.   Brush up your contacts; bring out your rolodex. Show face!  Full ground! I am serious o! Na so Oyinbo dey show face for Naija everyday.  Kontri bad, kontri bad!  If the kontri bad pass, wetin Oyinbo dey find? No be say di kontri good, o!  But, na we go arrange am now.   Make we no gree, make Oyinbo pamu well, well before all we wey dey Diaspora take position. 

Honest o!  Don’t say Soul Sista did not tell you?  Do you know how much DFI has come into this country this year?  Abi una no hear say GTB do bond offering, and foreign investors oversubscribe am?  Abi una no hear say Erastus bank, Erastus bank too dem don get Fitch Rating? Abi una wan talk say you no know say UBA sef go look for $300 million dem get am complete wit change?  Wetin Oyinbo see wey you no see? Mr. Diaspo ! Ms. Diaspo , okay, Mrs. (since you don marry we no get rest again), ah no say make u go back o, but dey inside the revo. Find chair siddon inside.

{mosgoogle}Ah jus say make ah tell you o. Because you trust Soul Sista, ah no fit siddon lasan as ah dey Naija.  Me sef don fin’ meeting to dey go, dey speak Oyinbo like canary. Okay o! Na bridge ah come look for Lagos . In fact, Boo get to tia me one warning di oda day say wetin do me?  Say na meeting ah come do for Lagos or na to look after im pickin.  Na so I said, abeg, no vex.  If to say di pickin too fit talk,  e go talk say make you leave im mama to folo di beta wey she dey folo, abeg. Say, im want to do undergrad for Princeton, overgrad for Oxford and top it up with oversabi for Harvard so make you leave im mama as she folo plenti Oyinbo dey blo gramma!  Say, person dey for house wey fit clean im shit and give am cerelac, leave my mama, abeg!!

Okay, am exaggerating but idea is need.  If you like you fit say my mout dey smell. In fact, no be you go first talk dat wan.  My Boo dey talk am anyhow for early momo wen ah say ah wan kiss am.   U know dat kain kiss wey person no wan kiss u, na im dey sweet pass!  Hee, my sistas!  You know how u go pin your husband for bed for early momo, wit your stanking breat, spit wey don dry for bot sides of ya mout, kelebe wey dey play inside ya troat dey make poku-poku, plus for dos of una wey no dey wash face before going to bed, oily face and hair sticking of one yeye, dirty hair net in all directions.   Then, you go tell di man say sebi e luv you, say today na today, make e prove am – make e kiss you.  Di bobo go dey look like person wey armee robber put gun for im neck.   Boo, go talk say no, say sometin dey im mout say im dey come.  Na lie!  Di bobo go look me say, hell, ah no fit dis morin.   Ah, luv dis woman but ah no fit kiss dat stank!  Eheee!  di lies wey husband dey tell wife and vice versa make dem keep dia marriage na wah!

Gerrooooutttttt!   Ya mout no dey smell for morin?  You wey be say u dey look like person wey don wrestle wit Mohammed Ali wen you wake!   Sharaaap! I know ya sort.  No be u soak some plenti dross pant inside di sink?  Una no even fit to soak bera g-string.  Na so ya man wake up for night go piss, as he wan wash im hand like dis, na so, so dross pant wit brown water arrest am! Then you will wake up the morin and start blowing Oyinbo.   Anyway, my sistas, am just kidding with you. Of course you are always well coiffed and turned out both in and out of the house. In fact, ya shit no dey smell.  After you, road close.  Lie!  Okay, okay, honest, I need your support for some tatafo wey ah wan carri in this entry so make ah no too vex you, okay! 

Friends for forever and ever, okay? Me and all of my sistas in the village square.  All the ladies in the house, let me hear you say, let me hear you say: 

Don’t cha wish your sistas were cool like mine?
Don’t cha wish your sistas were hot like mine?
Don’t cha wish your sistas were cute like mine?

Sing it to the tune of “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” By the way who sang that song?  I just heard it in the new Eddie Murphy movie and I really liked the tune and the words. So we are totally cool, right, my sistas. You know you cannot vex for me now? What is few dirty dross pants between sistas? Okay, here goes.

Elections

Okay, before I start my gist, let us first gist about the elections.   You know, you are just too fake, all of you. Why are you all acting so surprised about the results and all the rigging that preceded the results? I cannot believe the amount of grammar you guys are blowing in this village? What were you expecting? A miracle -- the most religious people on earth! Yeye, abeg! Ah, Naijas like to front. We like to front and form.  Kilode? Was anyone ever in doubt that Yar'adua will be selected? Wetin you do to prevent that? Or that Oju'go (glass eyes, i.e., Tinubu) will do his own abracadabra in Lagos ?  Although, let me not lie o, I like the way that Fashola guy looks.  E get one gap for 'im front teeth wey ah like.  Then, he has a nice George Michael facial hairs thing going on. I mean, omo dara od'ejo (the man finess wan cause problem) But, have you seen his wife?  Men, dat woman looks like she can daze anybody that wants to try her on top dat man. In fact, on top anything? You think I am lying, see her in this picture here, now.

http://www.tundefashola2007.com/ab_tunde_fash.htm 

Do you want to try this woman?  First, see as she ensure say dem do an’co dressing.  So that any attempt to make mistake that she is not the numero uno will be met with all deliberate force.  If na you nko? I can’t blame. Hogolo your man; especially in Lagos . Please, na tin wey loss anoda person fit find o.  So, answer, you think you can try di woman? No, answer the question, do you want to try her.  Ode, supo!! Does she look like she will wait to be tried?  Check out those raised eyebrows? Eh, I love Naija women. Those raised eyebrows, they speak more than a million words.  I interpreted them.  They are saying: “You see this fine man, ehen, dis one dat wore an’co wit me, you don’t want me to lower these eyebrows for you in connection with him.”  Is that not what they are saying? Where are Tatafo and EMJ when you need them?  Is that not what they are saying? What of the angle of the face? She looks like the kind of woman that will be nice to you o, but any misstep, she will land you a hot slap by a change of angle. Abeg!  Na here you fit get mout! I cannot blame the woman jo . She never loss anytin so no talk say you find Fashola, all of you.  Ehen, I know you. George Michael groupies! Who no like good tin? Yeye!

Okay, where were we?  So why are you all acting surprised?  The results were a forgone conclusion.  Even,  Mrs. Tinubu had been sending  Mrs. Fashola to represent her here and there for at least six months before the elections, so what did you expect? Can you imagine?  They were already doing first lady handover while you people were blowing grammar that one election will take place.  Bo-bo ! 

Ah, but ehe, see, Lagos , see Lagos .  Ehe!  I laugh.  See Ajebo like Jimi Agbaje ?   Eheii!  Tinubu yab, Tinubu yab.  Yab, yab sotay, Jimi Agbaje picture loss for INEC vault.   Can you imagine? Wonderful!  Jimi Agbaje picture no dey for ballot box. And, if to say somebodi campaign, Jimi Agbaje try.  The thing did Agbaje like film trick.  Na my broda, Akin you supoz  see  after they announced that Fashola won.  Shay, Akin and Laide they are,  abi na were sef (anyway, idea is need) orijo Agbaje people.   In fact, their youngest son, the one that is just two, if you see him shaking (because let me not call what he does dance) when Agbaje's adverts come on TV like this, you will say aha.   Agbaje had two adverts that had really nice songs:

Everybody loves Jimi Agbaje (2ce)
Everybody (3ce)
Everybody loves Jimi Agbaje   

Then there is another one that goes:

Who be di man that * * *
Jimi Agbaje
Who be di man that * * *
Jimi Agbaje

See http://www.jimiagbaje.com/core/node/13 for all the adverts.  The man tried. But clearly, that old and worn saying: “A trial will convince you,” did not work for him.

When my nephew hears the songs  like this, come and see demo.    And, his parents too would be hailing him that he should dance.   In fact, you will think that Jimi Agbaje  was the end of the world in the house.   Before the election, Akin was so convinced that Jimi Agbaje will win.  Ehen, Jimi Agbaje is a decent type of guy. Ehen, Jimi Agbaje is well educated. Ehen, Jimi Agbaje has a plan. Ehen, all these upstarts that think they can be governor, Jimi Agbaje will beat them hands down. Ehen, Jimi has run the best campaign.  It was impossible to have a conversation about any other candidate in their home.    So, me now, as ah be guest  now, I put my mouth in permanent condition of shut up before I no go get place to sleep again.  Abi? You are laughing, don’t laugh o.  Una never see  di Uba brodas? No laugh o, politics fit spoil family.  But, dat wan be like family wey don spoil before politics sha. Tufiakwa!  Anyway, sha, I never bothered to discuss Lagos State guber elections with Akin and Laide.  As far as they were concerned, Jimi Agbaje na forgone conclusion.    

And, it was not only Akin and Laide o. Practically all my friends and family in Lagos were supporting Jimi Agbaje . But, I don't really know whether it was because JKay, as he is fondly called, is someone they feel they can relate to or whether it is because he could really do anything for Lagos State . I could never get Akin, his greatest supporter to do much more than say Jkay has a program.  And, for once, we have the prospect of a really smart guy in Alausa.  To me, it was a bit like the way many professionals were supporting Utomi, just because. I listened to JKay and I think he would have been the kind of governor that will not embarrass you at a state function with Queen Elizabeth, as in im go know the type fork wey e suppose use or will know to wait to observe which fork Charlee-Boy use first before he starts eating.  And, im go get sometin smart to say if you put am for room with Condi.

But, after a while, I started thinking it was just a class thing. And, honestly, as I was telling Akin, I think some people might not have voted for Agbaje just because they felt o, this is the candidate of those who think they are better than the masses.  You know what I mean. I mean a friend of mine who did not mind how snobbish she sounded was saying sometime before the elections: JKAY ni pedigree (he has pedigree), his brother is DMD of GTB, his sister is a partner at Aluko & Oyebode and his father was the first Nigerian member of a bank board in Nigeria , o ni pedigree. Can you imagine what the shop assistant in her show room would have thought as she heard her madam saying that they should vote for someone because he has pedigree?  Don't ask me why she felt this was enough reason to entrust Lagos State to him. I did not ask her. I was just listening, abeg.

But, if we are talking of interesting adverts sha, o, if to say na advert dem dey take win election, JKay for don win. . I hear some of them were created by Leke Alder 's Alder Consulting (http://www.alder-consulting.com/home.asp) To be fair to Akin too, sha JKay tried to redefine campaigning in Naija. He also introduced charity walks as part of his campaign. Many of the allegedly big boys and gals in Lagos participated in the walks, which makes you wonder, were they doing this because of the love of Lagos State or because they want to make sure that their own person is in? We will never know, will we?

You don't want to hear how deflated Akin is now.  Come and see bad belle for Fashola? Na wah o!  How the  SAN wey Fashola get, na deal, na give dem give am. How Fashola na Tinubu cousin, so dem want to share commonwealth for dia family.  How Fashola dey unethical. Wetin ah no hear?  Den, wan Akin friend, Bowtie (see the last entry), talk say Tinubu left something in his office and he has to make sure that Fashola wins so that the something is well looked after. BTW, just in case you don't get it, this something is some jazzo o! Can you imagine? And this Bowtie na well educated individual o, but he almost broke a vein to make the point. I come dey look am, no wonder na Silifa you see to do mistress! (See MKK and Pinky: Fifty Years) Ehe!!

About a week before the elections, Laide and Akin had my parents over for dinner. Actually, it is not really that they wanted to have my  parents over.   But, popsie has this habit of asking Laide to cook for him as the mood suits him.  He believes that, as her father-in-law, she should be happy that he likes her food .  Sometimes, he will just get a brain wave and say he wants to eat efo riro (vegetable soup) or ewa elepo (beans cooked with palm oil) or something and that it is Laide that he wants to cook it.  Can you understand why brotha, Laja’s wife, Ndate insists that they must continue living in Paris ?  Wo, me, I don't know. That is the one thing I don't miss about Naija, the impositions. Ehe!  My popsie used to do that to  me  when  I was younger. So, you will come back from school and you know how in university in Naija, may be ASUU has gone on strike so you find yourself back home.   First day, you are there still sleeping at 7:00 a.m., and your dream is about to go into round two, that is how popsie will come and wake you that he wants you to fry his eggs for breakfast that morning.   The thing used to annoy me; really used to piss me off.  In fact, there was one day he did it that I deliberately over salted the eggs, just so he will leave me to sleep my sleep, abeg. I am not your cook, I don't love you like dat! I mean, before I got back home,  person  no dey for house to fry your eggs?   So, why the sudden, I have a daughter and she must fry my eggs at 7:00 a.m.. Abeg, I am still dreaming!  Then, if you complain, mumsie will start saying that some people don't have fathers to make demands of them.  That your father is just showing you that he loves you.  I am like, love me by leaving me to sleep well, well, that is love! 

{mosgoogle}Anyway, back to Laide, so, na so my parents come chop Laide's food a week before the elections.  So, we now started talking about the elections.  That is how I first got to know that mumsie did not register to vote.   Can you imagine?  My mother had been fronting all these days as if she was a registered voter o!  Apparently, she tried to register in Ibadan, the registration people near their house never came on time, or they had too many people to register, or she was going out when they came, or she got tired of standing in line (don't I know she is over 70) etc, etc.   So, I now said, mum, but why una don dey pretend all these days like say you register?  So, she said she was too embarrassed to confess that she had failed her civic duty. Can you imagine? All the while that I was gisting her about my “friends” in Ibadan (See, Ibadan Mesiogo), and yabbing dem wit her, ashay my mama sef no get voter’s card? Wonderful! So, it is not something she really wanted to  be boasting about.  But, my popsie was not about to let it rest o, he teased her mercilessly about it all through dinner that day.  

Popsie na efiko and he registered.  Then, he now said that since between them, they had only his own vote, that mumsie had been trying to convince him to vote for her candidates.  But, since he is the person that has the magical card, he will decide who he will vote for.   Honestly, old people can be really funny.  You should have seen both of them like cat and dog, play-fighting about who they will vote for.   So, we decided to assess their candidates.  They were in Ibadan for both sets of elections. Baboos and I were with them.  Governorship, that one they both agreed that popsie should cast his vote for Taoheed Adedoja .   When I asked why? Come and see explanation. How Akala is bleaching and they cannot vote for a bleaching man.  To which I asked, would it be better if he was a bleaching woman?   Na so my papa talk say he does not know, but all he knows is that he cannot vote for someone that looks like a pimp. 

Akin, Laide, and I burst out laughing. I guess we never expected a word like pimp to be in my father’s vocab. The man is 77, for crying out loud. So, I now said, dad, what do you mean pimp?  He said: He is a pimp! Such a vulgar man. Can't you see he bleaches, he wears loud lace material all the time, and he is constantly bejeweled like a woman?  Very ostentatious looking and unserious.  It is all so unseemly!   How can that be the governor of my state?  So, Akin, now said, okay, what is Adedoja's program?  Neither of my parents knew.   All they knew was that their one vote between them was going to him.  When I kept pressing for program, my father asked whether I had heard anyone talk of programs.  Akin, of course, started mouthing that Jkay is the only politician with a program. Anyway, my father proceeded to lecture me that: The sad thing, "my American daughter" is that politics is not about issues here. It is about personalities, most of whom have nothing to offer.  So, we will choose the least of several evils.  

Also, to stand by her man, my mum said that the current governor, Rasheed Ladoja had endorsed Adedoja and if Ladoja endorsed him, he could not be all that bad.  So, I said, is it not the same Ladoja who chose the "pimp" as his deputy governor?   My father gave me a bad look and said I should stop being obnoxious.  Anyway, Taoheed Adedoja lost so the one vote came to naught.  My parents are not upset.  They took it very calmly.

Then, we moved to a discussion about the presidential.  My father said it is presidential election that wants to put asunder his 50+ years with his wife o.   So, my mum said, yes o, that she wants my father to cast "their" vote for Yar'adua .  Can you imagine?  So, Akin, Laide and I now said, ha ha, mummy, Yar'adua .  My mum now said that we don't understand.  Then she went into this whole thing about how OBJ understands these people (the northerners, I have told you that my mum is a teeny bit tribalistic right?) that they want to come back or they will make the country ungovernable and Yar'adua is the best shot for the south for that purpose.   She said Atiku is a thief and Buhari is a murderer and a religious bigot, and that Yar'adua left money in his state so he cannot be all bad, that so my dad should cast their vote for him.  

As for my popsie, he said Buhari is his man and no Jupiter will make him vote for an OBJ puppet like Yar'adua .  My mumsie said that it will surprise all of us that Yar'adua will not be an OBJ puppet when he gets into office.   Then, she spoke a Yoruba proverb that I had never heard before. Let me share it with you:

Yio b'ale, yio b'ale ni labalaba fi wo'gbo

(When a butterfly is flying, nay sayers keep saying it will fall to the ground, it will fall to the ground, yet the butterfly surprises everyone by not only flying all the time, but finding its way through a bush thicket.)   

She argued with passion that we will all be surprised by Yar'adua .  She kept saying mark my words, Yar'adua will surprise all of you.   My father said yes, I have marked your words, but this one vote that we have is going to Buhari because 8 years of your  "good friend," Obj, is more than enough for me.  I will not be subjected to his puppet as well. My papa sef come talk another Yoruba proverb:

Eegun t'agbe be l'ogun odun ti o san wa, ka paa ti, k'agbe gelede jade

(When you have been  following  one masquerade for years and years and see no improvement in your situation, it is time to bring out a new masquerade and display to the people.) 

Anyway, back and forth o, Buhari this, Yar'adua that.  Akin and Laide were not interested in the presidential elections, only sha, let Jimi Agbaje win in Lagos . As per ah be my papa American daughter now, na so I begin talk say Utomi is the best candidate.  I am not lying, both my parents burst into laughter.   My mother said, Utomi ke?  (Utomi?)  Shay profeso yen?  (Shay that professor?) What are you saying about Utomi?  So, I now started that, ha, mummy Utomi is not bad o. He is this he is that.  My pop just kept laughing.  Finally, when he was able to control himself, he spoke another proverb:

T'alo m'okolo l'Oyo n'ibi t'otin p'oko eshin

(Who knows/has heard of the  inconsequential worm in Oyo town where he is somewhere gathering grass for the horses to eat?)    

This deserves some explanation. Basically, my father was saying that Utomi is so inconsequential that he may think he is running a campaign of some sort, but no one notices him.  I was quite upset. I could not believe that my father would vote for Buhari, first of all, and then be so dismissive of Utomi.   I mean, come on, Dad!!! So, with mumsie's active support, I was like Dad, as a lawyer, surely you recall how Buhari executed three Nigerians on the basis of retroactive drug legislation?   Surely, even though you were born a Muslim and have many Muslim relatives, you cannot be comfortable with some of Buhari's alleged statements about how Muslims should vote and his apparent position on the separation of religion from the state?   To which my mum now added her own pepper: 

Buhari l'opa Baba Ajasin,
Oun l'opa Bisi Onabanjo ,
Ofe pa Alex Ekuweme , Olorun ni o gba fun,
O gbe Ekuweme si prison, o gbe Shagari si house arrest
Bee, eni ti baba yin fe dibo fun ni yen, o!  

Basically, my mum was saying that Buhari killed Papa Adekunle Ajasin (Governor of Ondo State from 1979 – 83), Buhari killed Bisi Onabanjo (Governor of Ogun State from 1979 – 83) and that were it not for God, he would have killed Alex Ekuweme (Vice President of Nigeria from 1979 – 83), he detained Ekuweme in a prison, while he detained Shagari (President of Nigeria from 1979 – 83) in cosy house arrest, yet that is the person that your father wants to vote for!  

My popsie affected an air of annoyance. He said my mum keeps on carrying rumors about his candidate: I have explained the situation about Buhari to your mother, but she does not listen. Buhari is a very misunderstood man. He made mistakes, but he has my vote. Obasanjo is a total let down and I won’t have anything to do with that sickly character, Yar’adua that he is puppeting about.  To which my Mum replied jokingly, ehen, misunderstood, misunderstood until he declares a Jihad on Lagos !   My father then went into an ineffective, in my opinion, appeal about Buhari but none of us was really listening.  Watching my parents that night, and so many other times since I have been back home, I kept thinking, fifty years together and they can still argue, fight, make up, joke, tease one another and its all good fun.   It takes a lot of work, but see them today? I want what they have and more.

Anyway, so that na how the election take go o. BB (i.e., Baboos' name going forward) and I went to Ibadan with my parents the day after the dinner and we stayed until after the presidential elections.   My mum was a bit concerned that Ibadan would be a theatre of blood bath but it was pretty peaceful in our area, Iyaganku, and the immediate surrounding areas.  My parents' gardener in Ibadan , Etim, lives in Molete, where Adedibu lives.  He said that they there were no polling booths in Molete at all.  Instead, everyone in Molete and the surrounding areas was  told to go and vote in some houses near Adedibu's house.  He said that he and his wife did not go. Those that went were not allowed to vote as they wanted; they were told quite simply who to vote for by thugs and party men that supervised the "voting."  When I said, Etim, you dey fear, why una no go vote now?   He was like, Anti, dat wan na vote?  If dem kill me for dia now or if Adedibu see my wife like am, wetin ah wan do?  Anti, di whole Molete area and beyond, na Adedibu own am o! We we jus dey live dia.

So dat wan na my own election tori. All of una wey dey like analysis, una know where to find it in this village, i.e., NIMBY – Not In My Back Yard.  Ewu analysis like you.  He, he, he!! I am in original yabis mood today. Abeg, second base, jare. Comot road make ah see climate. Arm chair analyst like you. If di tin wori u pass, carri placard go demo for Aso rock! Yeye, when Bolaji Aluko dem say make you do class action, you run. So you, you no wan die? You sidon behind computa begin look for analysis.  And, it is in my diary dat you are looking for it? Someone told you that it will be here? Merciful God!! I can see you are not serious. See your eyes like analysis. Analysis will lead to paralysis in some of una, if una no careful. Make ah see climate!!! You are still dia? Ma begi fun e!! (I go use stick poshuu you!!) Analysis ko, Paralysis ni!!!

Second Base

{mosgoogle}Second base jo ! Darleeen, hawayouoo? Hawayouoo?  I could not resist that.   Just in case you are pretending say you no be orijo Naija again, Darleeen, hawayouoo? means Darling, how are you?  Na one my mama friend dey greet person like that. You know your mumsie has some friends that are her friends, but they are not really her friends.  You know we can be fake, ehen, dis one is my friend, dat one na my friend, but when the chips are down, the person is not really your friend.   So, that is how dis Mrs. Alasoadura is with my mumsie.  Very  funny woman like dis. I remember when we were younger, Yele and I, if we wanted to annoy my mumsie, we will just go: Darleeen, hawayouoo? Hawayouoo?

Mumsie got to know her when she was really into her adire/aso-oke export business. Mrs. Alasoadura too is a business woman and somehow sha, from the business they became friends.  But, my mumsie has always kept her at arms' length.   She is a short, very pretty woman with one long tribal mark vertical across each cheek.  And then, she has this screechy high voice and speaks fake fone all the time.   She celebrated her 70^th birthday last month but, between you and me, men this woman is over 70. And, she is just a trip, with her fake fone.  So that is how I went with BB to visit my parents the other day and she was there, quaffing fried guinea fowl and chin-chin and downing it with an Odeku, while gisting with my mumsie.   So, she now said her usual:

Darleeen, hawayouoo?
Hawayouoo? 
Your babee is so kooot (cute).  
Yeah, your moda tod (told) me you had had a babee (my mum really needs to stop lying)
Tans be to Gaad (Thanks be to God)
Olorun a gbadura gbogbo wa (God will answer all our prayers)
Bet you gron so dark! (But, you have gotten so dark)
O lo cream ni? (Are you not using cream?)

I was irritated by that comment.  Of course I have grown darker.  I have always been dark skinned. And, when I am in Naija, I get darker because of the sun. Duh, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.  And, you have all these women in Naija constantly telling me not to get darker.  I mean this woman is basically telling me to bleach.  Anyway, so I just smiled and all. And, she now said that she came to give my mumsie the invitation for her 70^th birthday and that me and our iyawo, Laide, had to come with my mumsie for the party. I was like what the hell did I walk into? How on earth am I going to be at Mrs. Alasoadura ’s party? Anyway, after she left my mumsie was so happy that we have to follow her to the party. That sebi we too were invited so we have to come. Anyway sha, grudgingly, we did follow my mumsie because she was not going to that party without us.  My dears, it was a very interesting party to say the least.  We were all decked out because my mumsie said Mrs. Alasoadura has a “gang” of friends that would be well dressed so we should not go and look like house girl there. So, Laide and I got dressed in awon Laide’s house. Lagos is something else o. There are all these young boys and girls, college students that help people to get dressed.  I am not joking o.  If you want to really give dem finish at an outing, you can find a college student, male or female, that will do your gele and do your make up.  So, Laide and I got these two guys, men, even if I say so myself, we were looking A+ okay.  And, it was not that expensive because these guys are just trying to make money for school and be entrepreneurial.  Before you ask, I don’t think they are gay. But, they tied that gele ehen, me sef, I gree say ah dey.  The make up one has become my friend. You know, very nice boy and very you know with it. He had all the Mac and Prescriptive products in a smart looking make up suitcase and they came in their own beat up Tokunbo, did us up and left with some cool money in the bargain – 3.5G for each of us – and Laide said that was cheap because these guys have not hit it yet. They said they had about fifteen people to do that day.  I was like, this is not a bad gig.  I could do this! 

So, then we picked mumsie up and headed for the event. There was a church service, then the reception was in a reception hall on the island.  There was so much to eat and drink.  Come and see clothes. Come and see jewelry?  I tell you, if your happiness in life depends on being the prima dona, you will never be happy in Lagos . There will always be someone who will be better dressed than you.  There are too many oppressors. If you are the type that cannot cut your coat according to your size, you will loss for Lagos , o! You will loss! The jewelry that women were wearing alone, 100s of thousands of Naira. Me, paranoid, American wonder. I kept thinking, please God, don’t let armee robber come and catch us here o.  Because I tell you, they would have made out like bandits – which is what they are. How smart of me? He, he, he!

Anyway so when it was time to dance o, mumsie now said that we too we should come with her and spray Mrs. Alasoadura small, to show face and then, we can leave.  So, Laide and I went with mumsie to go and dance and spray. Poor Boo, my hardworking husband. The man wired some money into my Dom account at (asko, ibere, won’t you like to know) the day before.  I withdrew $500 from it and changed at Federal Palace   (128.50 to 1).  So, before I left the house, I took may be about N25G with me.  My dears, do you know that I don’t how the 25G finished at the party.  I am telling you. It was as if a spirit possessed me.  This is Alasoadura that I don’t even particularly like. Please tell me why my 25G disappeared into her party? Almost $200!  I mean, I cannot tell Boo because he will be so pissed.  Let me explain, it was the musician.  We were dancing jeje o, I don’t know who had told the musician, female musician, our names and she now started hailing us and mumsie.  I am sure that it was Mrs. Alasoadura ’s daughter, Yejide.  It is has been a long time since I have been involved in something of that sort.  I tell you, if you don’t have your feet firmly planted on the ground, you can loss for dat Lagos o. Don’t say I did not tell you. So, the musician now faced me and started hailing me.  How I am a barrister, lawyer from Wall Street, Morika. How I am so fine. How I have beauty and brains etc, etc. How my husband is a doctor.  Come and see hailing. Me sef, I did not recognize myself. Then, I just went nuclear when she started singing:

*Ewo gele yayaa, l’ori ajigbotoko (2ce) (See the correct head tie pointing in all directions on the head of the woman who wakes up to minister to her husband’s needs)
Barrister lawyer ni Wall Street(Barrister lawyer on Wall Street)
B’oshe gbotoko, lo n’gbo t’adajo o (2ce) (As she ministers to her husband’s needs, she is able to respond to the judge in court as well)

Then, she also sang this one:

Oko doctor, aya lawyer (Husband is a doctor, wife is a lawyer)
Omo bouncing baby boy ( Child is a bouncing baby boy)
Baby boy (3ce)
Bouncing baby boy!!

You guys don’t laugh at me. If not that ah don talk say ah dey as ah dey in dis diary, this is not the kind of information that I will ever tell anybody. Men, I was so in di spirit of the whole dance.  So, in the spirit, shaking my body and feeling tight that I don’t know how 25G finished in my pocket.  Those 500 Naira notes don’t joke with them. I mean, me sef, you don’t have to tell me, I realize that this is a low point for me.  So, keep your judgments to yourself, abeg!! Let us just say know yourself no be curse.  I am not the type of person that should be going to Owambe parties. Laide said she kept trying to pinch me but I was too in the spirit. My mumsie has refused to talk to me about the dancing and spraying.  But, I know she will. She is just taking her time. I mean, all my high faluting moral high ground bull just dissolved in my very before.  Anyway, so that is how the musician and the music parted me and my money and showed me a mirror of my values and morality in the Nigerian context. Not very pretty. Not very pretty at all.  I need to deal with that.