| Boo ti Fariga O! |
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| Sunday, 17 September 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Boo ti Fariga O! Sunday, September 17, 2006 Take! That is what he said to start the trouble o. Who? You, sha. Who else will it be? Who is my all in all, the love of my life that wants to finish me now? Eh, eh, eh! Booooo! Why do you like behaving as if we are not living this my life together? Stop fronting jo. Ehen. I am back o. First indication that I had that something was amiss between us was when I called from London with my flight details so that he will come and pick me up at the airport. He was doing one kind gbonku-gbonku (sour puss) on the phone. So I was like Honey, is there something wrong? Are you okay? I was kind of feeling guilty you know. He wanted us to come back to the States together but I wanted to hang in London and to go to Paris to visit my brother so, I picked a fight over his cousin who had installed his girlfriend in our apartment in London. The cousin is doing his MBA in London so we allowed him to stay in the apartment on the understanding that he has to vacate anytime we are in town, which is not often. He knew we were coming into London but he left his girlfriend there. Can you imagine some people? Is it a crime to be nice to a family member. So, we got there only to see this girl balanced there. She was nice enough but we had to ask her to leave. The apartment is a one-bedroom, one bath. There is just no way I was staying there with some strange girl that I don’t know and where was the boyfriend, missing in action!! Anyway, I quickly picked a fight over that which meant that Boo stayed with me for two days and left for the States without me. Wo, go and sit down. You, you have never used that kind of high sense to get your way before? Odenson! You have never? Well, if you have never, then you must have been on the receiving end of it. Now, you know the trick, go out and use it on someone. Just don’t say that it is Soul Sista that taught you :-). The London, I did not really care so much about even though I had an excellent time. But I really wanted to see Laja and his family in Paris. Most importantly, I wanted to discuss the issue of Boo and I adopting a baby with Laja. Both sets of parents are not thrilled with the idea and so Laja is a much-needed ally Not that we care what our parents say about this because we have thought long and hard and this is our own life, not theirs. But for the sake of our child, we want him/her to be accepted into the family. So, it is not totally as if I just wanted to be jollificating around without Boo. Boo and I have decided that we are going to adopt a baby from Naija. No, we have not given up on having a child naturally. It is just that we both realize that we are growing older and we want to enjoy a child while we can still run around and horse around with the child. We want to go to PTA meetings before all our hair turns gray. Boo is over forty and I am edging steadily that way. Also, there are many abandoned babies who need a home so we see no reason to deprive ourselves of the joy of a child. When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade or sit there wallowing in self-pity. In fact, part of the reason why I have such a long time away from work is because my job was kind enough to give me unpaid leave to attend to family issues, in other words, adoption. So, I took my outstanding leave, together with part of the unpaid leave when we were going to Naija. I will take some more time off to go back before the end of the year. No matter what I say about the partner I have been working with since April, Mildred, I have to hand it to her. I was so pleasantly surprised that she put in a good word for me with the Personnel Committee in my office when they were considering my unpaid leave. You know Oyinbo now, there is nothing that makes them happier than thinking that they are helping a poor African, i.e., me. Throw in a poor African baby and they cannot get enough of it. But, my peeps, I have paid my dues in that office o. So, I feel entitled to all the good things they have been doing for me, including the time they gave me off while I was recovering from my surgery earlier in the year. I remember all the all-nighters that I used to pull and working weekends, traveling, going on trial in all sorts of weird places while I was a junior and mid-level associate. I remember once, we went for a three-month trial in Texas. That was the worst trial ever. We used to have conjugal visits. Yes, o. Usually what happens when we go on trial like that is that the trial team (partners, associates, paralegals, technical people, trial consultants etc depending on the nature and complexity of the subject matter of the litigation) will rent a house or houses in a really comfortable part of town and we will rent cars too. Then, we will set up a war room or two in the house. Make it really fine to work and to live – all wired up to the system at work, music, cable everything to make you want to live and work very, very, very hard. We will also get cleaning people to come round regularly. Of course, all this is on the client. And we will operate from the house everyday, going to court etc etc. Because this trial went on for three months, we were in Texas for three months and a couple of days. We had a roaster for going home to visit your family or having your family come over – the conjugal visits as we used to call them like we were in prison. Boo came over once and we spent the weekend in Austin. It was a weekend to remember. I can never think of Austin without blushing:-). I came back home once. Can you imagine, seeing your spouse only twice in three months? It was not easy on our marriage. But, luckily, Boo too was very busy setting up a new practice, teaching, and working full time at the hospital then so it was not like he was sitting at home wondering why his wife is living with some strangers in Texas. But, even now, I feel a bit guilty that I was not there with him helping him to set up that practice and you know just being supportive. He had to do almost everything himself. When I read all those women with careers go on and on about how nothing in their life suffers because of their careers, I wonder if they live in Venus. Of course, you cannot do everything if you have a career; some things will give and you need, to have, not only an understanding and supportive spouse, but also, the ability to prioritize and not kill yourself with guilt because you are not a super woman. Nevertheless, any wonder why divorce rates are high for lawyers and doctors? Wonder not! Well, so given those kinds of past experiences, abeg, if they have been nice to me in my office, I deserve it. Not that they could not have said no, but you know, when you feel that you are working hard for people that give a hoot about your own life too, it makes a difference in the way that you perceive them and how far you are willing to go for them. So, sha, he was doing gbonku-gbonku on the phone and I asked what is wrong. He said nothing. Okay, my flight arrives at such and such o. Shay you will be there to pick me up? No, I am busy. I know Boo’s schedule and unless he has an emergency, that day was pretty free. But, I said, no, no yahwah. So I called my office and arranged to have a limo pick me up at the airport. Trust me, those limos are cheaper than taking a taxi since the office has special deals because of the volume of work. So don’t be fooled by the word, limo; I will pay for it on my personal charges at work. Anyway, I got home and the first sight that assaulted my eyes was Folarin. You know Folarin, now, the wife beater. He is Boo’s friend that is married to a woman called Bassey. I thought to myself, I hope Folarin has not been staying here. I just hope Folarin has not been here because I have told Boo, this will not work. We cannot have a man who insists on beating his wife taking refuge in our house. If he wants to be violent with his wife, he should take refuge where others like him are: in prison! Anyway, Boo was not in. Folarin helped me with my boxes, we made some small talk and he quickly made an excuse to leave. Everything happened so fast. Before I could ask any questions, he was gone. After he left, I went round the house and saw that he had been staying in the guest room in our basement. It is self contained and you can get to it without entering the main house. I was annoyed but what could I do? I was tired. The person who allowed him to stay in the house, Boo was not in. So what could I do? Normally, I would call Boo to let him know I was back, but I just felt so let down about Folarin staying in our house that I said, wo, sebi he is coming back, when he gets home he will see that I am back. I went to the kitchen, I saw that there was no food in the house. That irritated me a bit because there was a lot of food in our house before we left. I cooked, Shalewa cooked, Boo’s mumsie cooked. Our freezer was over flowing with soups and stews before we left. And, I know Boo does not eat well when I am not around so it must be that his friends had been frequenting our house. I don’t mind that, but they must have been having a feast everyday for all the food to be gone. The dishwasher was full of dirty dishes. Also, when you think about it, Boo knew I was coming back. Am I not supposed to eat? If I knew he was coming back from a trip like that, there is no way that there won’t be food to eat in the house for him to eat. But, different strokes for wife and husband, abi? Well, I am back now so I knew he will be expecting some warm food to eat. In that my tired state, I cooked some fried rice and chicken stew. Then I had a bath and slept off. A couple of hours later, Boo came back home. I woke up and said hello, it was still the same gbonku-gbonku. No how was your flight, how are you? I missed you, nothing. So, I thought may be he had a bad day at work. I asked him what will you eat? Ehen, I have eaten. I was going to raise the Folarin issue but something just dropped in my spirit not to raise it. I turned back to sleep. As I turned like this, Boo said Folarin is staying in our basement, I expect you to do everything to make him comfortable. He will be here until he sorts himself out. I was like ehen, what is wrong with his house? Response: Well, Bassey has served him with divorce papers and she has a protection order restraining him from being in the house without police escort. So, I said ehen, but Boo, you know I don’t like Folarin staying here. He beats his wife and you know what I think of violent men. I really want him to leave. Boo, we have had this discussion before now, even your mother thought it was not right for us to be harboring such a person as if we don’t see what his wife is suffering. As I was still marshalling my argument of why Folarin has to leave, do you know what Boo said? Hear it o: “Folarin is staying here because I say so. I pay the mortgage in this house. So, if I want Folarin to stay here, Folarin will stay here.” My dears, you could have hit me with a feather and I would have fallen down o. Ehen! I said Boo, what did you say? He repeated himself, putting specific emphasis on the “I” in every sentence. I said Boo, why would you make such a statement? Am I your tenant? I am your wife, so you pay the mortgage, so what? So what? Do I do nothing in this house? Am I just a leach? Boo, this is the devil o. How can you say such a horrible thing? We have had so many visitors this year. I was hoping that we could just have some time to ourselves before Sasu and Kefe come. (Sasu and Kefe are on their honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and they are stopping by for a couple of days at the end of the month on their way back home to Port Harcourt.) So, Boo responds: So, you know that the devil can talk? Well, obviously he is having a field day in this family because it is not only I that he is talking through. He must have been talking through you in Lagos when I asked you for money and you refused to give me because it was “your” money. So, you want to be like that, I can play your game. I was like, Boo that is different. You took money to Port Harcourt for the Bachelor’s eve activities with Kefe and you came back with nothing. What did you use the money for? So he said, why did you not ask me what I used the money for. Instead, you started insinuating that I was involved in all sorts of unwholesome activity in Port Harcourt. So, since you don’t trust your husband, I left you to stew in your own juice. If I want to do anything, I can do it right here in this house, and there is not a damn thing you can do about that, I don’t need to go to Port Harcourt to do anything. My dears, at this time, I was already so shocked. He can do anything in our house, ehen ehen??? So, I said, what happened to you while I was away? Boo said, nothing happened to me. I just had some time to clear my thoughts and think about what an unsupportive and ungrateful wife that I have. My peeps can you imagine my shock? I am not only unsupportive, I am also ungrateful ehen? So, I was like, Boo, you are saying such horrible things. These things are very hurtful. You are not the only person that has a way with words o! My dears, dog o, cow o, Boo did not even do as if he heard me. Next thing, he left the room and banged the door. So, I went after him. Me sef, I was very angry now and he cannot say all what he said without me too returning my own o. No, he is not the only that has mouth and can be nasty. He was in the study. So, I went in there and he handed me a paper: Take! It was a photocopy of his credit card bill, with highlighting against certain items. He said, sit down! Again, in such a gruff and commanding voice. So, I sat down and he said, look at that first highlighted item. You see it, what is it? I did not answer. So, he raised his voice. I said what is it? You people, I have never seen my Boo like this. I was wondering, did he drink something? What happened to him while I was away? So, he said: “I said what is it?” Like a little girl, I answered, it is an air ticket. Then, he responded: It is your business class ticket to Nigeria via London and back. Did I ask you for the money for that ticket? I said no. He said keep looking. What is the next highlighted item? By this time, I had fallen in line o, my people. I said it is a Ferragamo purchase. He said what is the Ferragamo for? So, I said for Kefe’s shoes and other things. He said why was I paying for Kefe’s shoes and things? I said: Because Kefe gave Sasu the money for the aso-ebi and other things that I wore for the wedding. So he said, did I ask you for the money for your clothes and other things you wore at the wedding? No. Only the wedding? What of the engagement? Did I ask you? Was there anything you wore at the wedding and engagement that I did not pay for? Answer me! My peeps, I was just looking. I could not say a word. So, he said, I am waiting for an answer. I said no. It was so humiliating. So, I said, Boo, it is okay. I am sorry now. Boo, I am sorry. I even started crying so that he will stop. Boo usually cannot stand to see me cry. But, he just said, go and clean your eyes and come back. Can you imagine? I tell you, o, I don’t understand what happened to my husband that night o. So, I just sat there and cleaned my eyes o. So, we went to the next highlighted item on the list. He asked what is that? I said it is car insurance. Whose car insurance? I said, mine. So, he asked, have you ever paid your car insurance bill on your car? I said no. He said who pays it? I said you, Boo. But, Boo it is okay now. I understand what you are saying. He said, no you don’t. If you understood it, I won’t ask you for money in Lagos and you start giving me some bloody crap about “your” money. XX (my full name) how could you? “Your” money? So you had money when you left me to pay your return ticket to Naija? You don’t remember that you have money when your car insurance bill comes every month like a clockwork? You don’t remember that you have money when I pay the mortgage on this house every month? You don’t remember that you have money when I give you house keeping money? You don’t remember that you have money when I pay for our vacations? You don’t remember that you have money when you come and ask that I buy you some gift or the other. If it is not shoes today, it will be that someone is selling jewelry. If it is not sunglasses, it will be handbag. So, you don’t remember that you have money then. Who gave you the down payment for your car? Who? And, I try. I try. I don’t deprive you of anything within my means, because my father raised me well. But, I won’t be taken for a ride anymore. I won’t even go into the things in the house. When we wanted to re-do the basement, who paid? Did I ask you for the money to pay for it? I could see that I had a war on my hands. Actually, I never realized that I had been that selfish until he laid it out like that. I did not like the way he made me look. Okay, so I know that I am terrible so please don’t respond if that is all you want to say, gbon'misi, omi o to (interferer in another’s business)!! I mean, it is not as if I don’t contribute anything to our life together now. I too, I do things now. And, Boo is being unfair. He ties up a lot of my income in investments for us so it is not like I am just a leach. And, his income is so much higher than mine so I mean it is a no brainer that we should spend his money. It is not as if I am always having my eye on his money. Whatever, I knew it did not sound good. So I just started apologizing to him. Boo, I am sorry now. Yes, I was ungrateful but until you said it like this, I did not realize it. He said, yes, I did not realize it too until you went off on another junket financed with “my” money in London and Paris. But that is the last time. From now on, you have “your” money, spend it! So, he brought out a form that he had already obtained from the insurance company and told me to complete it. I did and changed the billing to my name and we both signed it. He put it in a sealed enveloped addressed to the insurance company and put it in his brief case. XX (my full name), you are selfish o. Aha, Iyawo mi, you are selfish! Do you know how I got the money that I spent in Nigeria after I came back from Port Harcourt? I had to borrow money from my father. XX, do you know the last time I took money from my father? Do you know? You made me appear like an irresponsible child at my age! Now, you want to know what I did with my money in Port Harcourt? You want to know? I used it as a down payment on property that Kefe’s friend, Emini is developing in Port Harcourt. The property is in my name and the name of the selfish, ungrateful woman to whom it is my lot to be married. I work hard for my money. I don’t steal. Even if I want to go round doing all sorts of things at the bachelor’s eve for Kefe, it will never be like a crazy person that does not know how hard it is to get money. What if my father did not have money to give to me? Aha, I thought I had a good wife but I am married to a selfish, woman who only thinks of “me” “me” while I am thinking of “us” “us.” So, I am beginning to wonder what is good about her. All the time in Nigeria and London, I thought my wife would see what she had done and apologize but no, she is too used to taking and taking from me that she cannot see. At that I could not take it any longer. So, I said Boo, please it is enough. When you do something I don’t like, I don’t start saying you are a bad husband and describing you with every negative adjective in the book. Aha, oto now, it is enough. I have sha begged you. I am sorry. I will change my ways. So, I knelt down and started begging him again. I was crying because I felt so sorry for what I had done. My dears, it was the ultimate and most unexpected humiliation and Boo milked it well. He said, XX tears and kneeling? You think I cannot stand the tears? No, you have not yet started crying o. Prepare your eyes to cry well, well in this house. Prepare your knees to keep kneeling. I was like Boo, that is so horrible. Even if you are annoyed, you cannot be saying I should prepare my eyes to cry. Is crying a good thing? Even if you are annoyed with me, there are certain things that you should not say now. So, he said, are your tears genuine or it is the one that you just cry so you can get your way? I need to see a change in your behavior. But, I cannot blame you, I have created a monster and I have to tame the monster. I will tame the monster. We have just started! With that he just extricated himself from where I was holding on to him, kneeling and begging. He picked up his keys and drove out of the house. My dears, my husband has not spoken to me since that night. No matter how hard I try to engage him, na so so mono-syllable. Yea o! I wan die! He has not touched me once since I got back. There is no type of nightdress and lingerie that I have not worn to invite him. No amount of trying to ambush him at night, no. No, he behaves like I am a leper invading his space. Do you if someone told me that I cannot hold Boo’s number with some the lingerie that I have wearing, I would have said, lai-lai, emi, ele ti o bad!! Ele, to jina wa!! (no way, hot babe like me!!). My dears, all na bo-bo. Bo what? Bo-bo, as in big lie. If not to say I am living it, I won’t believe. Truly, I have been crying and kneeling as he predicted. He is not moved. He just ignores and walks off. I mean, I look at him, and if anyone told me Boo could be this hard, I would say no. I know, he can be difficult but this far, I would say not my Boo. It is the ultimate humiliation. My sisters, if you have a good husband, be good to him o. Assess your behavior. It is because I did not assess my behavior that we are where we are today. Truly, if anyone told me that I was selfish, I would say it is a lie. I have always thought of myself as a giving, nice, home gal. Now, it is a different picture. I am writing this because I want you to check your lives and see whether there is anything you are doing to your hubby consciously or unconsciously, any habits that you have picked up that you don’t even realize are bad. My dears, I am in a bad place o. Why do you think you have not seen Random Musing IV, Part C? Is it musing that is doing me now? Abeg, the one wey do me pass musing! Musing ko, musing ni!!! I don’t need to muse when I have one topic worrying my mind o. Yes, musing will come but as I wanted to write today, I had to write the one that is paining me in the bottom of my heart o. You know I will be honest with you? My dears, it is not easy. O-Lord-dumare, help me! Come and see prayer. It is not easy o. I am eating seriously humble pie. I don’t even have time for Folarin now. If he wants, he can be there till next year. Ehen! Abeg, Bassey is not my family member. I feel sorry for what is happening to her, but abeg, she is not my friend, it is through Boo that I know her. I cannot know someone’s mother more than the person jo. I am facing my own issue!! This is America, every (wo)man for herself. My sister that I would have called that what shall I do, she is busy with her own issues. Her husband has finally confessed that he has a child in Australia. Wait for it, ehen, a boy of 10. When he took time off to go to Australia, the boy’s mother had just died so he had to go and sort through how the boy will taken care of etc etc. My sister’s life is pretty shattered now. She cannot believe that he has been living a lie all this while. The worst part is that his whole family knew of the child too, including the sister that stayed with them for about six months last year because she was having treatment for breast cancer. My sister feels betrayed that even that sister-in-law, whom she took time off work to nurse back to health, was silent. My sister is particularly pissed that her son is no longer his father’s only son. Her husband has moved out of the house. She says she can no longer live with him but, right now, she is psychologically unable to file for a divorce. Her daughter who is very, very close to her father is not eating well. She is also having nightmares in which she says that a monster comes to grab her father. In one my sister’s lighter moments, my sister was joking with me that “yes, it is not only a monster that will grab him, when I am done with him, the monster in the dream will look like child’s play.” My poor mother, who hates the cold, is coming in next week to stay with my sister indefinitely, even as winter approaches. I am glad that my mum is coming; she always knows what to do. I think that my sister still loves her husband and I think he still loves her too. Naturally, she is hurt, betrayed, and humiliated. But, just as I don’t believe in our Nigerian worldview of a woman never leaving a bad marriage, I also don’t believe in the American worldview of ending a marriage automatically one party has had an affair. I think there are some people advising my sister to leave her husband. I have not given her any advice to stay or leave him. I think she has to take a decision herself. And, I think my mum being there will help her to take a decision that is right for her and her children. Laja and I spoke to her husband on the phone from Paris. He broke down in tears while we were speaking to him. Yeye dey smell. It is now that he can cry? The worst thing is that when he was going to that Australia, he was doing as if it was something that my sister had done wrong. She became so worried as if why does he have to go off? Is it something that I have done? Not knowing that this wicked man was just on the last leg of the secret life he has been leading! I reminded him that he was the first and only man my sister had ever been with. I reminded him that my sister is a doctor but she went into public health and works with the federal government because she wanted to have a career that allowed more flexibility to build the kind of home they both wanted, not a home built of deceit, lies, and secret love children. I reminded him that my parents were opposed to their marriage, yet she married him. Anyway, that is that sha. How come the good girls don’t necessarily finish first? Gotta run. Boo ti fariga o means Boo don yari, Boo don fariga, Boo don say no more! Before I leave, this is a recipe for someone who knows herself. Boo’s mum confirmed it to me in Naija: Recipe for Ikokore Ingredients Water yam Smoked fish Cray fish Tomatoes Fresh pepper Palm Oil Onions Maggi and other seasonings Water Salt Directions Peel and grate the water yam. Blend the onions, peppers and tomatoes. Pour water into a pot and add smoked fish, cray fish and blended, onions peppers and tomatoes and add palm oil, magi and other seasonings and boil. Mix the grated water yam with some salt and a little water and then make the mixture into little balls, using your fingers or a spoon. Put the balls into the pot of peppers etc and cover. Allow to boil until cooked. Sorry, this na Naija recipe; no measurements, not timing. Don’t squeeze your face like Oyinbo. However you do, you are Nigerian, don’t front! Your mama dey look read recipe for book before she cook? Yeye! You should know how to cook like that until you get it right, jo. Au revoir (how you go know say ah just return from Paris if ah no hail you like so?)
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Posted by Soul Sista| 17.09.2006 16:34