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 [SPECIAL] So Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
By Sonala Olumhense
Umaru Musa YAR’ADUA, President of Nigeria:
No chicken crossed the road, my friend. In any case, this is not a chicken government. I mean, Vice-President Goodluck Jonathan loves to eat chicken, but he does not raise any. He prefers to buy. Nobody in my administration owns any chicken. However, if you go to Obasanjo Farms, you will find a lot of chickens there. His farm makes up to one million Naira profit everyday, evidence of the success of his reform programme. That is why he is now such a rich Nigerian, because people love to eat chicken. Some people have chicken pox, but he has “Chicken Power.” If his chicken crossed the road, it must be because it is very happy.
 Michael AONDOAKAA, Attorney-General:
Don’t be ridiculous. I am in charge here, and I did not give the chicken permission to cross the road, nor permit anyone to so authorize. All I said was that if the chicken wanted to go to the other side of the road, it could. I was merely asked a question. Should I be blamed if my answer was misconstrued? Besides, it was only a metaphorical road, not Asokoro Road, not Uwani Road, not Ikorodu Road!
Nuhu RIBADU, Chairman, Economic and Financial Crimes Commission:
I have not been informed that the chicken crossed the road. But this is Nigeria, and we have seen more incredible things before than the chicken crossing the road. What I know is that as long as the chicken looks left and right before dashing for it, there is no problem. Otherwise, if it leaves its feathers all over the road, that is an economic crime, and I cannot be expected to look the other way. I will immediately visit dire consequences on that chicken, whether it is owned by Olusegun Obasanjo or Umaru Musa Yar’Adua.
Olusegun Obasanjo, former President:
You see, now they are saying a shicken crossed the road. This is why I do not read Nigerian newspapers. All the shicken that you see is mine, including the one Nigerian journalists say they saw crossing the road. It did not cross the road; the people brought it to me because they knew it must be mine. But because it tried to cross the road, I ate it. Even the bone I am shewing now, is from the shicken!
Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida, politician:
I am not a chicken farmer, so what do I care whether the chicken crossed the road or not? But if the chicken crossed the road, you can be sure it is Wole Soyinka that is responsible for it. That is the kind of riot he likes to start. If you people think you can intimidate me with these questions, you are wasting your time. I am a retired military general. I am not afraid. I left the presidential race in the PDP not out of fear, but out of respect. And so what if Soyinka write books? I get books written about me!
Muhammadu BUHARI, National Politician:
The chicken crossed the road? It must be one of Obasanjo’s chickens. You know the man has no qualms, walahi. If the chicken actually crossed the road, I am sure it will be found to be one from his farms, and it should be closely looked at. In any case, whether it is Obasanjo’s or not, it should cross the road only in accordance with the law. If it is found that it simply just strolled across with no respect for the prevailing ordnance, it will be my pleasure to take Obasanjo to court. The law of the land must be obeyed.
 Patricia ETTEH, Speaker of the House of Representatives:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Have you people come again? And which one is yours in it if you saw the chicken in my yard? Did you people hear me inviting the chicken, and why would I be blamed for that? I am not inside the head of the chicken, unless you people want to say you saw me there. If I come home and the cook says, “Madam Speaker, my Speaker, I made chicken soup for Your Excellency,” am I supposed to set up a panel to probe him?
David MARK, President of the Senate:
Who told you the chicken crossed the road, a journalist? Nigerian journalists are the only people I know who are fascinated by their own fabrication. Tell me, how could the chicken have crossed the road when there are no roads? I mean, roads are not for chickens, and only in the imagination of another uneducated Nigerian journalist can fictitious nonsense of this nature arise. In any case, did he also say whether the chicken crossed the road in the other direction, or was it coming this way? It does not matter to me, because I have a lot of them all over the world.
 Lamidi ADEDIBU, Ibadan politician:
No chicken crossed the road. From here in Ibadan, to Ikorodu, to Ife, to Ogbomosho, to Lagos, no chicken can cross the road unless I say so. Even the governor cannot cross the road unless I say so, so you people should stop trying to say things that are impossible. If you doubt me, ask the Governor, present or former. Ask Obasanjo; he knows. If the chicken crossed the road without my permission, my cook will fry it like Chicken George.
James IBORI, former Governor:
The chicken crossed the road? Oh my God! It must be Ribadu colluding with Interpol and the Met Police! Was it coming this way? What was the color? Oh no, I knew it. I only wish I had received my Bombadier jet before all this nonsense started. How would they have found me to bother? I am sure they sent the chicken to see if I am here. Ribadu! The boy must go! Get me my phone let me call the President…what do you mean he is in a Cabinet meeting?
Chukwuemeka Odumegwu OJUKWU, National Politician:
Why did the chicken cross the road? Surely, you must know that Obasanjo authorized every conceivable indiscretion. He is the man you should be asking this question. During his tenure, nothing was too ugly for the PDP to do. That is why Nigeria became worse while Obasanjo grew rich. We cannot solve these problems unless we go back to their roots, and that is why I have advocated that Obasanjo be executed. If the chicken crossed the road, he is the cause.
Ojo MADUEKWE, Foreign Minister:
Anybody who says the chicken crossed the road is just trying to insult Nigeria, and I will retaliate. People like to blame everything on Nigeria, and from now on, it is tit-for-tat. If they say our chicken crossed their road, we will tell them their goat crossed our farm. Believe me, Chineke, Nigeria will retaliate. And if it is actually true that the chicken crossed the road, it is for the last time, believe me. This government will not tolerate indiscriminate or illegal conduct. We are a corruption-combating, rule-of-law promoting government. We will protect our chickens wherever they may be insulted.
Sani Lulu, Chairman, Nigeria Football Association:
The chicken crossed the road? Oh No! It is those useless Falcons. Chicken Falcons! They cannot win the World Cup, but they want all their allowances. I told them to accept less money this year so that the NFA will have enough money left to renovate the Secretariat, which has not been renovated since last year, but they would not listen. They said they were not small girls and wanted all their money. We spent a whole month preparing those girls for the competition, but they could not even win one match. That is why the chicken crossed the road. Chicken Falcons! I hope they are not coming here to roost.
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Posted by Robot| 10.10.2007 16:18