"Shoko, you need to stop cycling. These roads are full of mad drivers - one day, you'll get killed!"

"Shoko, I really admire you for cycling in all kinds of weather o! And the effect really shows - you look so trim and fit!"

"Shoko, look at you - a grown man still riding a bike. How do you expect people to respect you?"

"Shoko, you need to start taking up some form of exercise, like cycling - you're beginning to develop a pot belly!"

As you can see from the sample above, it is my misfortune to have conflicting advice inflicted on me by my different friends because of my passion for cycling. Some of it I obviously agree with - some I shrug off like water off a duck's back after a polite 'thank you'. I don't mind it too much, really - ultimately, I know that whatever they might say, my friends have, as they say, "got my back". And they don't freak out if I choose not to take their advice - they know it's just advice. But I sometimes wish my friends would be more thoughtful in giving advice. 

Or perhaps I shouldn't be so thankless. I look on at some other friendships, and I wonder if they can really be called friendships. Sure, the people involved do things together, they talk a lot with one another and seem to enjoy themselves while doing so. But dig a little deeper, and you see a different picture. In these friendships, instead of the friends supporting and helping each other, you find them trying to outshine each other - telling tales behind each other's back, giving harmful advice borne out of jealousy, and being overly critical.

Even in friendships where the friend is genuinely interested in the other's welfare, he may still sometimes give advice or take actions that could still harm their friend - usually either because they don't have enough information to hand to give the right advice, or because they make wrong assumptions about what is right for their friend. Sometimes, the friend can look past the unhelpful advice, because he can see that it's given out of a desire to help - but sometimes, the advice itself or the manner in which it's given can break the back of even a long standing friendship.

All right, I know it's none of my business what two consenting adults get up to in the name of friendship. But I believe that for you to be someone's friend means that they are drawn to you naturally because you make them feel good about themselves. They come to you sad, discouraged and downbeaten, and come away happy, energised and uplifted. You make them feel so comfortable in your presence that they can say things they wouldn't normally tell anyone else. But they know that you aren't simply a yes-man - you tell them what they need to know, they know that you've told them what they need to know, and you know how to tell them what they need to know so that they know that they need to know it. (Time out while you try and figure that out.)

With that in mind, I generally follow these four guidelines in trying to be a good friend to my friends (although I can't say they always reciprocate):

1. I find out what my friend really wants.  Yes, that's straightforward enough, you'd think - find out what my friend wants to do that he thinks will make him happy. However, I think this is the first hurdle that most friends fall at - they make the most common of mistakes in assuming that "because I want or like it, he must want or like it too". Nothing could be further from the truth - we are all very different people who have inherited different traits and been brought up in different environments. So even though we may share a common love for certain things, it's a big mistake to assume we must love everything. But I suppose we make this mistake because it's easier to deal with similarities than differences.

Of course, the process of finding out what my friend really wants can be quite tricky. The biggest mistake is to shout "HABA!" the moment he announces something that might not quite be to my taste. Some friends, on seeing this violent reaction will take this as a cue to shut up and say no more. This isn't to say that I'm not critical of what my friend does - but it's a bad mistake to criticise before I've heard the complete story. So I have to bite my tongue and listen - wait for him to say everything he has to say. Then I can shout "HABA!". Right?

Wrong. Even after he has finished pouring out what he really wants, it may still be necessary for me to extract from him relevant information about his desire. Why does he want it? How badly does he want it? How does he plan to go about achieving it? How soon does he hope to achieve it? This helps me build up some context around his desire which enables me to offer more useful advice. So after I've got all this contextual information, I can shout "HABA!". Right?

Wrong again. Sometimes, it's not just enough to listen with my ears. There may be a difference between what my friend says and what he means. So I have to be smart enough to read between the lines and figure out what my friend really means when he talks. Obviously, if I've known him for a while, it's easier to figure this out, because I'm used to his personality and his idiosyncrasies. And finding out what he means may also extend to listening to the tone of his voice or even watching his mannerisms as he talks.

(It would be permissible to shout "HABA!" at this point if it were appropriate - but I've usually cooled down so much that I don't want to.)

2. I determine whether what my friend wants to do is in his long term self-interest. Now that I have a more-or-less complete picture of what my friend wants, I can ask myself what the long term consequences of his action will be. Primarily, I'm looking to make sure there won't be any consequences that will damage his physical or emotional well-being in the long term. I'll typically do this by drawing on my own experience - what people have told me, what I've read, what I've encountered - and drawing a conclusion as to what I feel will be the long term outcome of my friend's pursuit of these desires.

But again, it matters how I tell him what I think. Assuming my friend is an adult with control over his actions, he won't feel to happy if I deliver my 'commandment' from on high to tell him to 'desist from travelling down the road to perdition'. I usually state what you feel and why I feel it as dispassionately as I can, qualifying my reasons as clearly as I can. And yes, this means I have to resist the temptation to turn my opinion into universal fact.

Please note that the emphasis here isn't on ensuring that he is made happy by his choices - it is more on ensuring he isn't made unhappy by them. That's right - there are many things which can be described as neither causing happiness nor harm, and it's all right for him to pursue these. I sometimes point out alternatives which I feel may give him more happiness - but if he he made a choice that I felt would give him neither happiness nor cause him harm, I would not veto it.

You may wonder at the repeated use of the phrase 'long term'. This is because it's possible for my friend to desire something that will give him short term pleasure, but which will cause him harm in the long term. And I'm assuming people don't just want to be happy, but want to be happy for as long as possible. Of course, I could be wrong - my friend might want something that will be sweet but short, in which case I usually try to make him aware of the consequences of his action. I guess I could overpower him and force him not to carry out his foolish deed, but I'd almost certainly wreck our friendship if I did so.

3. I determine whether what my friend wants to do is in my long term self-interest. That's right - with all my supporting and advising, I still need to make sure that I still look out for me. Certainly, a real friend should not do anything that so seriously inconveniences me - but sometimes, our friends make assumptions and aren't truly aware of the consequences of their actions. So I try to make sure of this before I proceed to the last step, which is...

4. I help my friend achieve his desires. That's right - once I know what he wants and neither him nor I are going to be in trouble as he goes for it, I support him to the max. It doesn't matter what I personally feel about his goal - all that matters is that it's my friend who has the goal.

So be the ear he can always turn to for constructive advice. Show an interest in how he's progressing with achieving his desire. Encourage him when things aren't going all right... and congratulate him when they turn out all right. It is in this way that the words of the Carole King song can truly be sung of you:

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I'll be there

You've got a friend.

Robot  Villager

# 1 "Shoko, you need to stop cycling. These roads are full of mad drivers - one day, you'll ...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 26.02.2007 21:14

Isis  Villager

# 2 Nice goings! A good friend can sometimes be the best thing that happened to you. There when the going is good and when its horrible. They always have your back. I liked your condition #3. Funny but true. We have to think about how helping our friends affects us. It may sound selfish but your friend if they are good friends should not want you to get your self in trouble say end up in jail for helping them. There are limits to any friendship. Key is finding ways to communicate the limits:D Good job Isis Posted by Isis| 27.02.2007 16:41