"I can't believe it! You're not seeing Joy any longer? But you seemed to be getting on so well!"

Ngozi was on a visit to see her friend, Ade, hoping to hear the latest developments on his budding romance with his latest girlfriend. He had seemed so enthusiastic about it at first, so this news had come as a big surprise to her.

Ade smiled ruefully. "Well... it's not so much a case as us finally breaking up... it's more a case of the relationship being in suspended animation, because we've just had a major row."

Ngozi fixed her friend with a stern glance. "OK, what did you do wrong this time?"

"Hey - I am the one in need of sympathy here", Ade responded defensively. "And why do you think I did anything wrong, anyway?"

"Hmm... from the stories you've told me before... OK, just carry on."

"Well, she had just returned from a shopping expedition, and she stopped by at my place to try on some of the dresses that she'd bought. As you know, such matters are of little concern to me - I could care less if a girl wore ashes and sackcloth, I'd still like her for who she is."

Ngozi made a sceptical face.

"Anyway, she came out and asked me what I thought of one particular dress that she had just tried on. I told her that in my opinion, it looked absolutely terrible on her."

There was a gasp of shock from Ngozi. "You said that? How could you?? Please tell me you're joking!"

"Why should I be joking? She asked me a question - I gave an honest answer. Isn't that you're always preaching - open and honest communication? Anyway, for some strange reason that I can't figure out, she was most upset at my response, but she didn't say why. I figured it had something to do with what I had just said, so I tried to rectify matters by telling her that it was just my opinion, and that if she liked the dress it shouldn't matter, but it didn't make any difference.

"Anyway, she carried on sulking for the next few hours, and eventually I got really fed up about it. I'm afraid I said some rather uncharitable things, and the whole thing escalated to an almighty row which resulted in her stomping out of my flat in anger."

While Ade had been talking, Ngozi had been shaking her head in disbelief. Finally, he was done, she exclaimed "Ade - don't you understand the first rule of communicating with women? We're different - when we say things, you have to figure out what we mean by what we say rather than taking our words literally."

"What on earth are you talking about? Why should I have to figure out what a woman means when there is this simple way of her letting me know? You must have heard of it - it's called 'talking'. What happens is that you open your mouth, and out come these things called 'words' which convey the exact idea you are trying to pass across. So if you want someone to come, then you say 'come' - not 'go'.

"Now why would anyone want to use anything other than this time-tested mechanism?"

"You don't understand, Ade. Sometimes, saying what you want openly can be rather uncomfortable. I'm sure that in this case, what Joy's question was about wasn't just about whether the dress looked good or not, but it was really about some appreciation from you about her choice of dress and her sense of fashion. After all, she had spent a lot of time walking around looking for the perfect dress and we all like our hard work being recognised - even an arrogant so-and-so like you", Ngozi added playfully.

"If that was so, why didn't she just say that she wanted some compliments from me?" Ade asked, bewildered. "I would have been happy to compliment her on her choice - after all, I'm sure that what she chose was fantastic for her."

Ngozi shook her head. "Oh, Ade, Ade, my dear logical friend. You still don't get it. Don't you understand that an explicitly solicited compliment has no value compared to a freely offered one? It's only when there is a risk of getting a 'no' that we appreciate the 'yes'. So there was no point in asking her for your appreciation directly - you had to offer it voluntarily."

"So she decided to 'take style' and fish for appreciation indirectly, eh? And I'm supposed to magically figure out that she's fishing, but I should still pretend that she isn't? I'm sorry, but I don't buy that. If you aren't prepared to hear a bad answer, you shouldn't ask the question in the first place. Simple!"

Ngozi sighed. "OK, be critical. But there's critical, and there's brutal. Don't you understand that women have feelings? If you want to make a comment, must you make it in the harshest possible way? Couldn't you have said that you didn't quite get the colour combination, or that you were trying to figure out the shape, or something that would give her a clue that this wasn't your cup of tea?"

"There you go again. 'Figure out'... 'clue'... why does comunication have to become something for Alagbon CID? Why dance around the bush when you can hit the nail on the head? Like I said, we have words for a reason - to express our ideas, not to wrap them in cotton wool!"

"OK o, Mr. Logic. So if someone criticised the engineering drawings that you produced for your company by saying they were absolute rubbish, would you be happy that they had expressed themselves so frankly?"

"No - I would appreciate it, because then they would have to back their words up with proof. And that is where they would fall flat on their face, because I know that my work is top-notch", replied Ade smugly.

Ngozi sighed and made a defeated gesture. "Your logic is too much for me. I am only a simple woman - I don't have the energy for your arguments. But tell me o, Mr. Logic - tell me, are you happy at the current state of affairs? These 'words' of truth that you unleashed upon the head of poor Joy - have they made you happier than you were before?"

Ade's smug look faded as he slowly shook his head.

"No... despite the quarrel, I miss talking to her. I just wish she would understand that what I say about her dress doesn't mean that I don't love her - I love  her for what's on the inside, not on the outside."

" Well, the thing is, these words that you say are supposed to convey ideas... they also have an effect on people. Now if your main purpose of uttering these words is just to convey your ideas, all well and good. But if you care also about the effect that they have... if you care about the damage that they cause to the people you care about - then perhaps you might want to think about what you say. You say you love Joy for what's on her inside - but have you stopped to consider that there's also a heart in there which is vulnerable to hurt from your 'words of logic'"?

Ade pondered this. "I hadn't really thought about it that way", he said. "I guess I should call Joy soon to try and set things straight. But it's not a one way thing - she also should understand that my way of thinking means that I don't see things the way she does."

"That's true - and she shouldn't assume that you're doing what you do out of malice. But that's one of the things you need to mention when you're straightening out the matter."

Ade shook his head in wonder. "Na wa o! How on earth is a logical person like me someone supposed to figure all this out?" He brightened up. "I know - since you know so much about all this, you should write a book about this to end all this confusion!"

Ngozi laughed. "See? This is why I always say you're too logical. Even if I wrote a book, women express themselves in too many different ways for the book to cover. Besides, there are some women who actually like the kind of criticism that you prefer to give, so your book wouldn't work for them.

"So the bottom line is - people should work at making a relationship work. Rather than trying to adopt a formula that will work for every person, they should work at trying to understand and interpret each person on an individual basis. Accept that there'll be communication gaps, but rather than throw your hands up in despair, work at bridging those gaps. It may take multiple clarifications, multiple requests for clarifications, multiple requests for feedback and even multiple apologies - but it can be done, if you both really want to do it!"

If you enjoyed this article, you might also want to look at this one:  The Mystery Madam

Robot  Villager

# 1 "I can't believe it! You're not seeing Joy any longer? But you seemed to be getting on so...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 18.05.2008 09:13

mushu  Villager

# 2 Nice one. Even women sometimes don't understand themselves. :) Posted by mushu| 18.05.2008 10:12

mulan  Villager

# 3 Shoko, Thanks for the article. Quite informative and buttresses that women are from venus and men are from mars. And the battle of the sexes continues. Even men sometimes don't know what they want... Posted by mulan| 19.05.2008 02:33

ronkemac  Villager

# 4 And the only acceptable answer to the question “Do I look fat in this?” is always an emphatic NO. The slightest hesitation, and all is lost. Posted by ronkemac| 19.05.2008 05:02

TEchi  Villager

# 5 I am logical to the point of building a robot so I can blame it for my logic. So what else is new.... the battle of the sexes..? It will take us men a life time to understand any woman. But of course, there are many women who are as logical as Spock of the Starship Enterprise. :biggrin: Anyway, a good lesson in etiquette will take us to where we have never been before with our spouses. Excellent write-up. Posted by TEchi| 19.05.2008 08:02

Shoko Loko Bangoshe  Villager

# 6 =ronkemac;4295044149>And the only acceptable answer to the question “Do I look fat in this?” is always an emphatic NO. The slightest hesitation, and all is lost. Ronke, That may not even work. Like the article says, it's not just about the words but the meaning behind the words. What if the woman interprets the "no" as "I know you're fishing for compliments, so I'm just going to give you this quick 'no' so that you stop bothering me"? Then all really is lost, because the authenticity, sincereity and validity of that "no" will be analysed and dissected in a manner that would make a logical person proud - except, of course, for the logical person who is being driven crazy by the analysis and dissection of his "no"... :) Again, like the article says, you gotta do the work and fit the response to the individual situation... S. Posted by Shoko Loko Bangoshe| 19.05.2008 11:11

emj  Villager

# 7 =TEchi;4295044197>I am logical to the point of building a robot so I can blame it for my logic. So what else is new.... the battle of the sexes..? It will take us men a life time to understand any woman. But of course, there are many women who are as logical as Spock of the Starship Enterprise. :biggrin: Anyway, a good lesson in etiquette will take us to where we have never been before with our spouses. Excellent write-up. Hmmm......say it loud....A GOOD LESSON IN ETIQUETTE.......not as if we like u sugar-coating o.......ehen. And u also have some men whose lackadaisical attitude will demoralise/make u hopping mad:p Just like most things in life...you just have to look before u leap....goodluck trying to understand anyone...wo/men. Posted by emj| 19.05.2008 11:51

Multioption  Villager

# 8 Women thrive on compliments! Take away that shortcoming, and women will be PERFECT human beings! Posted by Multioption| 19.05.2008 12:01

TEchi  Villager

# 9 =emj;4295044310>Hmmm......say it loud....A GOOD LESSON IN ETIQUETTE.......not as if we like u sugar-coating o.......ehen. And u also have some men whose lackadaisical attitude will demoralise/make u hopping mad:p Just like most things in life...you just have to look before u leap....goodluck trying to understand anyone...wo/men. emj, Yes, you are quite right. We just have to keep working on it. Thanks. Posted by TEchi| 19.05.2008 12:10