10 Feb 2008 |
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Eight months after Yar'Adua took over, it really doesn't look like much is happening. Sure, that doesn't mean that nothing is happening - but how are we to know if we don't hear about it? In fact, the ultra-low profile that the President adopts leads one to believe that the story below as reported by the Daily Amebo - the newspaper that brought you the scoop on Kampeism, INEC's timetable and Nigeria's fuel pricing strategy - might well be true:
Nigeria drifts towards the South Pole; Yar'Adua maintains studied silence By Basketmouth Jagbajantis, Senior Reporter Reports are emerging that the Nigerian land mass has broken loose from the African continent and has begun drifting towards Antarctica. This was revealed today in a press conference by the National Aeronautics Space Administration (NASA) today. Speaking at the conference in Washington D.C., NASA press officer Michael Braukus said "At 2200 US Eastern Time, space satellites monitored by NASA relayed successive images of a fissure developing in the African continental land mass. On closer examination, the fissure was found to be congruent with the Nigerian border. By 0100 US Eastern Time, the fissure had widened sufficiently to cause the Nigerian land mass to break loose from the rest of the continent. At this present time, we have no comment on what the cause of this phenomenon could be. We are co-operating with other international agencies and governments in monitoring the situation, and we will keep you informed of any later developments." In response to this grave crisis, the President of Nigeria, Umaru Musa Yar'Adua has maintained a studious silence. "Since the president came to power, he has maintained a strong belief that Nigeria should move away from the era of excessive centralisation and executive micro-management of day-to-day activities", said presidential spokesman, Segun Adeniyi. "There are legally constituted organisations and legally appointed persons to handle virtually everything in Nigeria without him needing to involve himself. This is why during the last ethnic and religious riots which engulfed parts of Kogi, Edo, Ondo. Enugu and Niger states, he maintained a calm silence while the various governors, army battalions, international emergency charities, local area boys and the United Nations sorted the matter out. "It is also the reason he kept a relaxed silence when there was an attempted coup in which one Lieutenant-Colonel Josiah Killango attempted to overthrow his administration and bathe Nigeria in a sea of blood from the Desert to the the Delta. Instead of panicking and issuing impotent declarations, he allowed the legally constituted authority - the Nigerian Army - to deal with the matter. As you will recall, the Army's preventative measures of leaving their vehicles in a state of neglect ensured that Colonel Killango and his cohorts were unable to travel more than 2 kilometres towards Aso Rock before their vehicles broke down and they were forced to flee on foot as the coup fizzled out. "So this case is no different. As we speak, the President has for now decided to observe a studious silence. However, as events unfold, he may change this stance and observe a grave silence instead. He will not even be provoked by the neocolonialist, expansionist attitude that NASA have shown by going ahead to announce this sensitive information instead of waiting for us to repair our recently-launched satellite so that we could announce it ourselves." Theories abound as to why the Nigerian continent has suddenly broken loose from Africa. "This is almost certainly a case of America protecting its interests" commented seasoned conspiracy theorist Segun Onayemi. "That is how they knew about this first. What has happened is that they are afraid that oil prices are going to keep on rising, so they have covertly been placing high explosive mines around Nigeria's borders which they have now set off. The resulting explosions have caused Nigeria to be cast adrift into the sea. Their intention is to then send a flotilla of naval vessels to surround Nigeria and claim it as their own property, since they discovered it in international waters. Then they will appoint Mujahid Dokubo-Asari, Ateke Tom and Soboma George as puppet rulers of their new territory in order to end the strife in the Delta and safeguard their energy supplies for the next few decades." However, this theory is not universally shared. The Daily Amebo spoke to Maximum Prophet Aiamaliah, who declared that what the nation was witnessing was a judgment from God. "For many years, God has been using me to tell Nigerians to repent of their evil ways, but Nigerians have turned a deaf ear to my messages", he thundered. "Well, the Day of Judgment is at hand at last, as God has tired of the wickedness of Nigerians. He has treated it as a cancerous growth by excising it from Africa and casting it into the outer wilderness!" However, the prophet offered some hope for redemption: "I plan to embark on seven days and seven nights of prayer and fasting. In doing this, I will attempt to cleanse Nigeria of the evil that has angered God, and thus intercede with Him on Nigeria's behalf. I call on Nigerians everywhere to support me with generous donations, as I shall need special rare ointments and sacrifices." Most Nigerians are less concerned about what has caused the drift - they are more worried about the President's inaction. "It is good that the President is a listening President", said Theresa Chukwudifu, a school teacher. "But there is a time for listening and a time for talking. As things are now, we don't even know whether the President is listening, whether he has completely fallen asleep, or whether he has been abducted by evil spirits. He should come out and reassure Nigerians before people really start panicking" she added. Other Nigerians are even more concerned about the effect of the drift. "Today, we can sit in our local bar and drink kunu to our heart's content", said a person who simply wished to be known as Zack. "But who can tell what will happen tomorrow? We hear that Antarctica is a very cold and windy place. We doubt that the ramshackle construction of our bar will survive the raging winds there. So we don't care if the President remains silent - what we want more than anything else is action. Let him fly to the Nigerian coast, roll up his sleeves and start pushing Nigeria back to the rest of the continent, if need be." But a few Nigerians are reassured by the current turn of events. Air-Vice Marshal (Barrister (Engineer)) Kanganka O. Kanganka (rtd.), a veteran politician and ex-Minister, claimed that the President's reaction was exactly what was needed. "The President is showing his superior intellect in recognising that this development is a real blessing", he enthused. "While the rest of the world is worrying about global warming, we are in the fortunate situation of being able to experience a correctionary cooling to cancel out this warming as we drift towards the Antarctic. So I encourage the President to keep a low profile and maintain his silence while he ensures that his escape aircraft is in good working order, as I myself shall be doing."
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