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You know how irritating it can be when you search for news
about Nigeria, and the only thing that you see is 'Oil Price Rises On Fears of
Niger-Delta Militant Attack'? As though the world just sees Nigeria as a huge
petroleum reservoir, good for nothing else but supplying cheap petrol. Anyhow,
the Daily Amebo - that bastion of journalistic integrity - has a story on how
the militants aren't taking things lying down...
Niger-Delta Militants Anger At Association With High Oil Price Leads To High Oil Price
By Basketmouth Jagbajantis, Senior Reporter
Various Niger-Delta militant groups have expressed their anger at
constantly being associated with the high international oil prices that are
currently being experienced throughout the world.
In a press release, a spokesperson for Movement for the
Emancipation of the Niger-Delta (MEND) declared that such attempts to create
ill-feeling about its activities were malicious and misguided. "How can blowing
up the odd pipeline here and kidnapping the odd worker there cause the kinds of
price rises that the media are reporting? " he fumed. "This is just
another case of Western media bias. What about the real culprits? Do you ever
hear stories with headlines like 'Oil Price Rises on Fear of Another Factory
Opening in China'? We are hereby calling on the media to desist from their
campaign of calumny - or else, they will see the redness of our eyes!"
Following the news of this press conference, the oil price
duly rose to $200 a barrel.
Not to be outdone, the Niger Delta People's Volunteer Force
(NDPVF) declared that it too was fed up of reading reports about its activities
being linked with high oil prices. "Yes, we engage in a spot of kidnapping
here and there, when our income from oil bunkering needs to be
supplemented" a spokesperson said.
"But the media reporting is one-sided - when we release the workers (as we
often do), we never hear any reports about the oil price coming down again due
to our generous gesture. We too are asking that the Western media desist from
this one sided, biased coverage, or they shall see not just the redness of our
eyes, but the whiteness of our teeth!"
Worried at this prospect, the oil price jumped to $500
dollars a barrel.
The announcements by the Niger-Delta militant groups have
set off a plethora of responses from other ethnic militia. A spokesperson for
the Odua People's Congress (OPC) declared that once again, the Western media
have once again shown their crass insensitivity and total ignorance of the need
to preserve ethnic balance in reporting. "Imagine!" he thundered.
"We have been doing militancy even before those Delta thugs knew how to
handle guns, and look at all the press attention they get. Is it just because they
blow up oil installations? We too, we have cocoa here in Yorubaland... if you
like, we can blow up a cocoa plantation. But woe betide you if you fail to
cover the story - you will not just see the redness of our eyes and the
whiteness of our teeth, you will also see the pinkness of our tongues!
By now, the oil price was thoroughly alarmed - it
skyrocketed to $1,000 a barrel.
However, there were assurances from the Federal Government
that it was treating the matter with great importance. Segun Adeniyi, the
spokesperson for the Presidency said "President Yar'Adua is taking the
matter very seriously indeed. He is tired... sorry, I mean, he has hired
the top brains to look at the demands of the various groups. In fact, as we
speak, he is sleepin... erm, I mean, he is deep in thought over what to
do next. So he needs to wake up... no, no, I mean he needs to weigh up
all the options in front of him and then arrive at a decision which he will let
you all know in the next twelve months."
On hearing this, the oil price commandeered a rocket and took
off for outer space. When it was last sighted, it was around $50,000 a barrel.
Unsurprisingly, these developments have brought upon a new
found circumspection regarding the reporting of news stories from the
Niger-Delta. For instance, a recent report from Reuters stated that
"Something happened somewhere yesterday that led to something happening on
fears that something might affect something. Specifically, someone had done
something to someone while they were doing something somewhere. Someone
demanded that someone do something before something was done to someone else.
In the meantime, someone has condemened the actions of someone else for doing
something."
Many Nigerians welcome the latest developments. "The
great thing about all this is that the militants have not actually blown up
anything and disrupted oil supplies, yet we now have much higher oil prices
than we have had in a long time", enthused Mallam Attahiru Gusau, a
trader. "This means that we can sell the same amount of oil and get much
more for it. Surely, this must mean that the common man can now enjoy his fair
share of the national cake."
"It is fantastic news that the coffers of the Nigerian
treasury are about to be replenished", said Air-Commodore (Dr. (Imam))
Kanganka O. Kanganka (rtd.), a seasoned politican veteran and PDP party
chieftain, in response to the news. "I look forward to seeing the common
man enjoying the dividends of democracy that he has to wait so long for.
However, he should remember that there are those of us who have worked hard to
bring about this happy occasion. If we had not allowed the situation in the
Niger Delta to decay to the point where they have resorted to blowing up
pipelines, then we would not be celebrating these high oil prices today.
"Accordingly, it is only fair that we decide how this
windfall should be distributed. Therefore, I shall be at a week-long
celebration... er, I mean high-level retreat held at party headquarters where
we will be deciding how to allocate the excess funds. We shall be inviting
bankers from Switzerland, as they are renowned for their prowess at a
distributing money in an equitable and agreeable manner."
If you liked this article, you might like these two:
The Daily Amebo - Government Sets Out 'Fuel for All' Plan
Obasanjo Launches New Ideology
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Posted by Robot| 04.06.2008 02:53