"What's up?"

I jumped up violently from the table over which I had been bent for the last three hours pondering what to write for my latest article. I looked around wildly, but I couldn't see a thing. There must be some controlled substances in this kunu, I thought, as I settled back in my seat.

"D'you need any help?"

This time, I not only leapt from the table like a man electrocuted but sent my glass of kunu flying, and it was only by the grace of my fine-honed reflexes that I was able to stop it from spilling over my keyboard and consigning me to internet oblivion.

After recovering from my shock, I peered cautiously around my room, scanning every corner to satisfy myself that I wasn't losing my mind. And then I saw him... or should I say I saw it? I don't know. Although he spoke like a 'him', he looked very much like an 'it'. He was a part-fat-part-thin, part-black-part-white, part-tall-part-short and wholly hideous creature.

"Who-who are you?"

The creature smiled. "Ah, Shoko, that's not a very welcoming greeting. And after all the help I give you, too."

"What are you talking about? What help? I've never seen you before in my life!"

"That does not make me any less real. I am the source of your inspiration in your creative endeavours. I am the hand that flicks the switch when the light bulb goes off in your head announcing the arrival of a new idea. I, my friend, am your muse."

I snorted in derision. "Muse my hairy left buttock! You don't look any thing like a muse."

My so-called muse gave a wry smile. "That is the cross we muses have to bear. Just the other day, I was chatting with Chinua Achebe's muse, and he was telling me that for all the work we do, you would have thought that we would have been created with better looking bodies."

My scorn deepened. "Chinua Achebe indeed! You are as truthful as you are beautiful."

"That's very complimentary of you, but I know my limitations in the looks department." He... well, he appeared to float up on to my desk, and hovered over my laptop, scrutinising what I had written with amusement.

"What is so funny?" I snapped. "It's not easy writing an article, you know."

My muse floated down to the table top and turned to me. "Of course I know it's not easy... that's why you have me to help. Tell me, what exactly do you want to write?"

I scratched my head again. "Well, the article is intended for a Nigerian audience... I guess I just want to write something that will get lots and lots of people reading it."

"And I notice that you are writing an article titled 'Rock Formations on the Shebshi Mountains of Adamawa'. Do you really think that people are really interested in that kind of thing?"

"Well, it's not something many people know about... and I thought that they would welcome the chance learn something new..." I said lamely.

My muse burst out into a peal of laughter. "Nonsense! Nobody will read that.... not unless they have chronic insomnia. No, what you want to write about is politics."

I groaned. "But everyone is writing about politics! How can I make myself heard amongst the crowd?"

"Write about the topic of the hour!" my muse exclaimed. "For example, take the scandal over the Speaker of  House's contract to renovate her residence. Do you know how many articles have been written about it? Millions! And do you know how many of them people have flocked to read? All of them!"

"Not true", I said. "If I wrote an article praising Patricia Etteh, I bet nobody would read it, because many people think that she's a thief."

"Nonsense again!" my muse cried. "That is exactly the kind of article everyone would rush to read... but only so that they can try to understand the mind of the complete and utter idiot that would dare challenge public opinion. Then they would systematically disembowel you with a series of rejoinders and hang you out to dry. But never mind that, your article would definitely be... well, if not popular, at least infamous!"

I shook my head. "I don't want to be infamous. And I don't want to write about Etteh - there are far more qualified people doing that already - people who practically have wiretaps into the minds of Nigerian politicians. I want to write about something else."

"But politics is still a very rich field. If you don't want to write about the news of the day, write about a long running issue in Nigerian politics. A perennial favourite is corruption - you could write about that."

I gave a skeptical grimace. "Every knows about corruption. What is there to say? Corruption is bad. Corruption is the cause of all our problems. We need a revolution to cleanse the nation of corrupt people. That's pretty much it."

"Come on, you can pad it out more than that. You can add about how it impoverishes people, cite examples of where it is practised and take a few well-aimed shots at our leaders for perpetrating corruption on a large scale. That is always a sure draw for your audience. Oh, come on," he added exasperatedly as he saw me shake my head again, "That's a great topic!"

"I know, but if I'm going to write on it, I need a special angle to make my article stand out from other articles about corruption. I don't just want many people read my article, I want them to say 'Wow, I wish I could have written an article like Shoko's'."

"You could always write an article about arrogance, since you seem to be well-versed in it," my muse commented acidly.

Ignoring him, I asked "Do you think I could write an article on 'Corruption on the Rock Formations of the Shebshi Mountains'? No? All right, do you have any other ideas what I could write about? Let's leave politics for now."

My muse thought for a while, and then brightened up. "You could write an article on ethnicity. That is just as interesting a topic as politics." But even before he had finished speaking, I was shaking my head vigorously.

"No way! That is a toxic topic - if you think that people will get mad at me for praising Etteh, you watch what they do when I say that Yoruba people are this or Igbo people are that. No way!"

"Well, what do you expect? If you want to be a well-known author, you can't just write a bland article that people will read and forget. Your article has to make some people so mad that they will lust day and night for your death. But they won't be able to touch you, because hopefully your article would have made some other people so fanatical about you that they will be prepared to die in order to prevent the other group of people from killing you!"

I stared at my muse as he delivered this speech at full blast with spittle running down his mouth, and when he was done, he leaned against a wall, hand on head, breathing very heavily.

"Look," I said gently "I just want to be an author. Not a prophet. Not a martyr. Not the founder of a new religion. I think I will choose some other less radioactive topic - and yes, that rules out religion and feminism too."

My muse shook his head tiredly. "I think you are running out of topics. But there is one rich area you can still choose," he said.

"And this is...?" I asked expectantly.

"Relationships," he said. "There's the whole gamut to choose from - relationships based on love, relationships based on children, relationships based on money, relationships based on lust, relationships based on lies, relationships based on power, relationships based on abuse, relationships based on torture..."

I hastily interrupted him to prevent things going further downhill. "Let's say I picked 'relationships based on love'. What should I then write about?"

"Er... well, you could tell a story about a loving relationship between two people.You talk about how they meet, how they fall in love, how they settle and have children, how everything becomes a bit routine, how the woman begins to look outside, how the man finds out and goes mental, how he murders his family and barricades himself his house, threatening to set it on fire, how the police are called in to deal with the situation, how they end up going to the wrong house and killing the wrong man who happens to be an influential area boy, how his fellow area boys retaliate with hot-blooded vengeance, burning down several police stations, how the army are called in to deal with the increasing lawlessness, how the army decide to seize power instead..."

I stared open-mouthed. "This is a story about a relationship based on love? Or have you managed to work politics into this story? Can't you think of anything else but politics?"

Apparently, all this while my muse's patience had been wearing thin, and finally he snapped. "All right! That's it! I've offered every suggestion that can help you write an article to pull in the crowds, but you've rejected them all on one flimsy pretext or the other. I don't have any more time to waste on you. I'm done with you!" And before my very eyes, he vanished in a puff of smoke.

I rubbed my eyes and stared - yes, he was definitely gone. And I definitely needed to order my kunu from another supplier from now on. In the meantime, I had this wretched article to worry about...

Robot  Villager

# 1 "What's up?" I jumped up violently from the table over which I had been bent fo...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 25.10.2007 05:33

emj  Villager

# 2 :biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:Gad dem, someone must have spiked ya KUNU....hmmm:lol: Posted by emj| 25.10.2007 08:24

uniben82  Villager

# 3 Shoko, Nice read. Love the ala "wayo guy" humor. :) This was definitely refreshing like a breath of fresh air! I reckon your muse had his or her mission accomplished for the day eh?:) Posted by uniben82| 25.10.2007 08:55

Mikky jaga  Villager

# 4 Whao.. You wrote all these without writing the article; you must have taken an overdose of kunu. I do not think your muse is that very intelligent if he could not give you an article that fits your description. You need to fire him and hire another, if that were possible. More seriously though, the problem you highlighted above is the reason some of us have not submitted an article since. I do not want to write just an article, but an article that meets every standard of the word, that gets read and contributes to the advancement of knowledge. This takes more than sitting in front of a computer and scratching one's head, waiting for an ugly looking muse to drop some idea into one's head. It takes sifting through volumes of information, analysing them and bringing them out in a way ordinary readers will be able to relate with. This takes lots of valuable man hours that many cannot afford, and so end up not writing anything at all. I hope those who are fortunate to be classified as authors will ensure they give their readers stuff that will make the time they spent reading their articles worth while. Finally, one little thing I noticed: I do not think a man electrocuted will jump up the way you described. I think he must be as dead as dodo waiting for the undertakers. Posted by Mikky jaga| 25.10.2007 11:26

Shoko Loko Bangoshe  Villager

# 5 Mikky Jaga, Who told you I didn't write the article? Did I finish the story of my struggle to write? What have you just been reading? Anyway, unfortunately for you, my muse read your remark about him not being very intelligent, and he says he is going to pay you a visit tonight in your dreams. So make sure you take a double dose of valium so that you sleep soundly tonight. :lol: I know what you mean about the effort it takes to write the perfect article. But to be honest with you, I am of the opinion that it is better to write a bad article than to write no article at all. By writing a bad article, you can (if you are open minded enough) learn from the criticisms of others; others can also learn from the criticism that your article gets. Even if you choose to write on a topic that others have written on already, I think you will always bring a unique perspective to the topic that people may not already know about. So Mr. Jaga (and any other apsiring writer out there), enough of the excuses. Reach for that pen (or laptop), dust up your dictionary and thesaurus, engage brain in first gear and get writing! Posted by Shoko Loko Bangoshe| 25.10.2007 13:38

tomr  Villager

# 6 beautiful, but....? hairy left buttock? really? man, some people have everything... think, instead of 'do you want to see my etchings', you say 'do you want to see my -er- whatever... as a conversation piece, it can't be beat Posted by tomr| 25.10.2007 18:22

Bode Eluyera  In Purgatory

# 7 =Shoko Loko Bangoshe;2091813164>Mikky Jaga, Who told you I didn't write the article? Did I finish the story of my struggle to write? What have you just been reading? Anyway, unfortunately for you, my muse read your remark about him not being very intelligent, and he says he is going to pay you a visit tonight in your dreams. So make sure you take a double dose of valium so that you sleep soundly tonight. :lol: I know what you mean about the effort it takes to write the perfect article. But to be honest with you, I am of the opinion that it is better to write a bad article than to write no article at all. By writing a bad article, you can (if you are open minded enough) learn from the criticisms of others; others can also learn from the criticism that your article gets. Even if you choose to write on a topic that others have written on already, I think you will always bring a unique perspective to the topic that people may not already know about. So Mr. Jaga (and any other apsiring writer out there), enough of the excuses. Reach for that pen (or laptop), dust up your dictionary and thesaurus, engage brain in first gear and get writing! SHOKO, Infact you will live very very very long, for this article and this very post. Basically you have said all I wanted to say. That guy is only capable of posting comments. No more no less!!! The bitter truth is that Jegede Shokoya is just not capable of writing articles!!! Na only mouth he get. Funny enough, Mikku Joggy walked into your trap voluntaryly. If he had known better he should have kept away. You gave the rope that he used to hang himself. Remember that I have challenged Michael Jackson "openly" to find time and write at least one article, but Mr Jiggy Mikky turned down my offer. Even my $100 offer would not make him bulge!!! The fact is that Mikky Mouse is an empty barrel that makes the loudest noise. I have told Mikky Mouse over and over that it is not easy to write articles. For God's sake an article is an intellectual product!!! It involves thinking. It's a creative profession. Different people can write on the same issues/topics but differently which determines their level of reasoning, analysis and professionalism in general. In order to write an article, first you need to choose a topic. You need to think of what to write. You need to think of how to start it, in order to make your readers to continue reading, and not lose interest. You need to think about how to organise your thought,e.t.c. Let me stop here. I don't wat to reveal to Master Jiggu Miggu all the secrets of writing a "good" article. I am very very very happy that you have challenged him openly. The Bobo has walked into your trap. Now let him prove that he is capable of writing "good" articles unlike Bode's crap. Of course, he will only accept your challenge provided that he is a man in the real sense of the word. But I doubt it. He keeps on citing flimsy excuses like time to dodge. I have told him that if somebody has something "tangible" to write and you are capable of writing, there is more than enough time. SHOKO, to be honest, I really can't understand how somebody could use time as an excuse for not writing a single article! Does Milky Jeggo take all of us for fools? Believe it or not, my last article "Nigeria at 47: Which way forward?" was written in less than 25 minutes!!! That was the fastest article that I have ever written! I wrote it twice. I went to the Nigerian embassy the next day to read it. Very often, I sit alone in the restaurant in a quiet corner in the evening, with tomato juice, after eating and just start writing my articles. I just put my thoughts on paper as quickly as possible. Sometimes I know what I want to write but had problem deciding how to write it. I guess this is the most difficult task that most writers face. But whoever overcomes this obstacle becomes a writer. Whenever I find myself in such a situation, I just take a break or continue sitting until I write something which I may later rewrite. SHOKO, please can you tell Master Milky Way and his group; emj, VOR e.t.c. that ability to put your thoughts or ideas on paper "accurately"is one of the most difficult things to do and it is not everybody that is capable of doing it!!! Only a very few!!! Thus it could be developed but it's very difficult If you don't have the background. If you are really determined to do something, and you are capable of doing it, I bet you, you will surely find time to do it. It's obvious that Ogbeni Jeggu Muggu has never written a SINGLE article in his life, otherwise we should have seen his work long long long time ago. I am not ashamed of any of my articles. Infact, I am very proud of them. I know that "Practise makes perfect" and there is no limit to professionalism. I am working on my short comings. But I thank Almighty God that I don't need help as regards to being able to think logically or conduct a good analysis. People think that all you need to be a good writer is an arsenal of BIG BIG BIG grammar. However, in my opinion that is secondary. What comes first are your ideas, thinking ability, ability to analyse and interpret data and convert it into information. If your ability to think logically or analyse is faulted right from the beginning, nobody or grammar can help you out. It's like putting spoilt yams in Mercedez Benz. SHOKO, thank you again for putting Mr Michael Jackson in his place. You know in Russian we say "Поставить человека на место." СПАСИБО БОЛЬШОЙ ЕЩЕ РАЗ!!! P.S. SHOKO, I want to bring it to your notice that my article "A battle cry to restore the poor state of the nation" is not available. What I mean is that the contents of the article are missing. I will be obliged if you could correct this omission. Thank you in advance. Posted by Bode Eluyera| 25.10.2007 21:47

Bode Eluyera  In Purgatory

# 8 SHOKO, By the way, my article "Abuja: Capital of Nigeria or Northern Nigeria? (Part 3)" is on the way. It's 95% ready. I just need to put the finishing touches. I bet you it's going to be the "father and mother" of all articles ever published by NVS. It's going to be "The article of the decade!" And I want to use this opportunity to thank you for your support and encouragement in my quest to becoming a better writer. Posted by Bode Eluyera| 25.10.2007 21:58

emj  Villager

# 9 Hmmm..........hehehehehohohohohhahahaha:lol:, walahi da saying that trouble siddon jejelly and yanga go wake am is very true. Please Pelwura don't try to derail this civil discuss abegy...sending SLB to lecture us or tell us about da effort put in writing articles is not it rara......get off ya couch(stingy) and do something concrete for ya community...don't sit down laik Monitor to monitor events and Projects from ya 5X5. >>.......anywaz, i will leave u at the mercy of Mikky Jaga.....oti daran no question about it.::eek::p ps........always remember to put ya hands behind ya back wen addressing me, and ya head should not be higher than mine(da king and I):cool: Posted by emj| 25.10.2007 22:16

Mikky jaga  Villager

# 10 =Shoko Loko Bangoshe;2091813164>Mikky Jaga, Who told you I didn't write the article? Did I finish the story of my struggle to write? What have you just been reading? Anyway, unfortunately for you, my muse read your remark about him not being very intelligent, and he says he is going to pay you a visit tonight in your dreams. So make sure you take a double dose of valium so that you sleep soundly tonight. :lol: I know what you mean about the effort it takes to write the perfect article. But to be honest with you, I am of the opinion that it is better to write a bad article than to write no article at all. By writing a bad article, you can (if you are open minded enough) learn from the criticisms of others; others can also learn from the criticism that your article gets. Even if you choose to write on a topic that others have written on already, I think you will always bring a unique perspective to the topic that people may not already know about. So Mr. Jaga (and any other apsiring writer out there), enough of the excuses. Reach for that pen (or laptop), dust up your dictionary and thesaurus, engage brain in first gear and get writing! SLB, Thanks for encouraging me to write. To be honest with you, I find writing very boring. I don't write letters. I don't write notes in school, only jottings. I prefer to rely on textbooks. The only time I force myself to write long essays is when I am in the examination hall. That is why I find the setting in NVS very agreeable to me. If the NVS were a forum for writers, I do not think I will be here. So, let those who find fulfilment in writing do so. Let them leave those of us who prefer to comment on intelligent articles (not bad articles) alone to do what best suits our mood. To try to change Mikky jaga at this stage is like teaching a man how to use left hand at old age. Anyway, thanks for your attempt though. Posted by Mikky jaga| 26.10.2007 08:59

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