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 Dear Aspiring Nigerian Ruler,
So you've perfected your plans to achieve power in several
years time. You've identified the people who will help you get there; you know
what deals you'll need to do; and you know exactly how to build your power
base.
But hold on! When you get to power, do you want just be
another anonymous ruler who came and went without living in the memories of his
people? Do you really just want be one of those leaders like Ernest Shonekan
who are mistakenly omitted when the list of Nigerian leaders is being
recounted? I'm sure you don't! So what you really want to do is to aim for the
stars when you get to power. In other words, you don't just want to be a
Nigerian leader - you want to be a Nigerian Superhero!
OK, I can see you're puzzled. Nigerian Superhero? Yes,
that's right. I'm not just talking about a leader who is merely just 'good'.
I'm talking about the kind of leader who can inspire Nigerians to believe in
Nigeria once more; the kind of leader who with a stirring speech can summon
Nigerians to the barricades; the kind of leader such that after he's gone,
people will often invoke his name whenever examples of good leadership are
being given.
So - what do you need to do to be a Nigerian Superhero? Well,
I have come up with the Seven
Secrets of Superheroism, and they are as follows:
1. Appear dynamic. Nigerians don't like people who
attend seminars and workshops and inaugurate probes, panels and committees. Who
knows what is happening then? What they like is 'men of action' who appear to
be making a visible positive difference to their lives; men who don't just talk
but who actually act. This means that you can do things if you like -
but it is more important that you should be seen to be doing those
things.
So rather than attending boring opening ceremonies and other
events with prominent people in attendance, make sure that you impress upon
people how much of man of action you are. Do this by getting directly involved
in projects which will visibly make a positive difference in their lives. For
example, if you have issued a contract to build a road, make sure you are seen
driving the steamroller to compact the road. (Warning: don't do this if you
don't know how to drive a steamroller!) Or if you decide to get tough on
sanitation, make sure that you are seen actively and directly participating in
cleaning effort, maybe by carrying some of the refuse yourself.
2. Connect with the young. You certainly want to
appeal to and inspire as many Nigerians as you can - but of all the
demographics you seek to appeal to, the most important one is the youth. This
is because if you get the youth on your side, you will have built a large and
loyal power base of passionate followers who will not only spread news of your
good deeds but will ensure that your good memory is perpetuated long after you
are gone by lynching anyone who dares say anything against you.
So you need reach out to this constituency. In order to do
this, get some brilliant image consultants to advise you on what to say and how
to act. If it takes hours upon hours of watching MTV or following the twists
and turns of the lives of celebrities that the young are so enamoured of, so be
it.
3. Dress casually, dress fashionably. This is related
in a way to the point above in that such a dress style will appeal to the
youth, but the wider point is to create the perception that you are not a
inflexible, conservative person like many Nigerian rulers have been. You want
to appear relaxed and refreshingly radical; someone who dispenses with
unnecessary formality, because what you're most interested in is getting the
job done.
But just because you have dispensed with formal attire
doesn't mean you should be a walking fashion disaster. People need to know that
their leader won't disgrace them in public. So remember those image consultants
you got a while back? Get them to help you in creating a style that is casual,
trendy; a style that becomes a signature style for you.
4. Be seen with the common man. Most Nigerian rulers
have historically operated in the rarefied halls of power where they have
minimal contact with the common man. It's small wonder that the common man
perceives them as out of touch and uncaring about his welfare. Even if they may
occasionally launch a program that is supposed to benefit the common man, he
still views it with cynicism and distrust.
So as a Nigerian Superhero, you will have to develop the
common touch. You need to be seen as someone who has power, but who is down-to-earth
enough to commune and interact with the ordinary person you are ruling. You
need to be seen eating at their bukaterias and visting their neighbourhoods. (I
would draw the line at boarding their danfo buses, though - that might pose too
much of a security risk, given the way some of those drivers drive.) This way,
you will be perceived as having an understanding of what the common man goes
through, and thus you will be more convincing when you are explaining your
programs to them.
5. Pick an enemy. To catch the people's imagination,
it is important to depict the quest for progress as an apocalyptic scenario
where you lead the Forces of Good agains the Legions of Evil. So it is
important that you pick a suitable Enemy to lead the opposing forces. There are
no shortage of choices: you could choose past corrupt leaders, you could choose
the West, or you could choose multinational corporations.
But whoever you choose, make sure you direct as much of your
venom towards them as possible. Blame them when things go wrong; blame them
when things go right for not letting things to have been even better; and at
all times, warn Nigerians that the Enemy lurks around the corner, seeking to
undo any gains that you have made. This means that the Enemy will act as a
lightning rod to attract all the rage of the people away from any mistakes you
may have made, and your achievements will shine even brighter.
6. Make speeches frequently. Nigerians absolutely
love a good speaker. If you don't believe me, you only have to look at churches
that are filled to overflowing as people flock to listen to an impassioned
preacher, or a politician whose rallies are jam packed with supporters who want
to hear the latest big words he has filled his speech with.
So if you really want to get Nigerians falling at your feet,
you need to develop the ability to make dramatic, inspiring, rousing and fiery
speeches. Speeches that set out whatever vision you can come up with. Speeches
that denounce the Enemy (see previous point). Speeches that pluck the
heartstrings of Nigerians and produce the sweet songs of hope, elation, passion
and joy. And speeches that give hope for a brighter, better future for all.
Most importantly, you need to ensure that these speeches are given the widest
coverage possible in order to reach the largest possible audience.
OK, we have got this far. And if you think you can do all
that I've listed, good. Because now comes the seventh - and the hardest -
secret of all...
7. Die - after ruling for a brief period. Yes, that's
right - in order to cement your iconic heroic status, your life will need to be
cut short after you have come, seen and dazzled Nigerians with your heroism. In
fact, the manner of your death is vitally important - rather than dying your
bed after a brief illness, you should go out with all lights blazing,
preferably in a plane crash, a horrific road accident or in a hail of bullets.
The more dramatic, apocalyptic and cataclysmic the death, the better. That way,
Nigerians will be able to concoct a thousand and one conspiracies, with
ninety-nine percent of them laying the blame at the door of - you guessed it -
the Enemy.
But more importantly, your death after such a brief but brilliant rule
will spare you the criticism that is usually reserved for other leaders. Your
excesses, your lapses, your obssesion with image instead of substance, your
fixation with flashy gestures and your lack of a coherent program - if all these have become evident in your even short rule - will all be
forgiven and forgotten, and your place in the annals of Nigerian history will
be secured forever as 'a truly visionary leader who had the interest of his
people at heart'.
Yours sincerely,
'Shoko Loko Bangoshe'
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Authors 
Posted by Robot| 28.02.2008 02:49