28 Feb 2008 |
|
|
So you've perfected your plans to achieve power in several years time. You've identified the people who will help you get there; you know what deals you'll need to do; and you know exactly how to build your power base. But hold on! When you get to power, do you want just be another anonymous ruler who came and went without living in the memories of his people? Do you really just want be one of those leaders like Ernest Shonekan who are mistakenly omitted when the list of Nigerian leaders is being recounted? I'm sure you don't! So what you really want to do is to aim for the stars when you get to power. In other words, you don't just want to be a Nigerian leader - you want to be a Nigerian Superhero! OK, I can see you're puzzled. Nigerian Superhero? Yes, that's right. I'm not just talking about a leader who is merely just 'good'. I'm talking about the kind of leader who can inspire Nigerians to believe in Nigeria once more; the kind of leader who with a stirring speech can summon Nigerians to the barricades; the kind of leader such that after he's gone, people will often invoke his name whenever examples of good leadership are being given. So - what do you need to do to be a Nigerian Superhero? Well, I have come up with the Seven Secrets of Superheroism, and they are as follows: 1. Appear dynamic. Nigerians don't like people who attend seminars and workshops and inaugurate probes, panels and committees. Who knows what is happening then? What they like is 'men of action' who appear to be making a visible positive difference to their lives; men who don't just talk but who actually act. This means that you can do things if you like - but it is more important that you should be seen to be doing those things. So rather than attending boring opening ceremonies and other events with prominent people in attendance, make sure that you impress upon people how much of man of action you are. Do this by getting directly involved in projects which will visibly make a positive difference in their lives. For example, if you have issued a contract to build a road, make sure you are seen driving the steamroller to compact the road. (Warning: don't do this if you don't know how to drive a steamroller!) Or if you decide to get tough on sanitation, make sure that you are seen actively and directly participating in cleaning effort, maybe by carrying some of the refuse yourself. 2. Connect with the young. You certainly want to appeal to and inspire as many Nigerians as you can - but of all the demographics you seek to appeal to, the most important one is the youth. This is because if you get the youth on your side, you will have built a large and loyal power base of passionate followers who will not only spread news of your good deeds but will ensure that your good memory is perpetuated long after you are gone by lynching anyone who dares say anything against you. So you need reach out to this constituency. In order to do this, get some brilliant image consultants to advise you on what to say and how to act. If it takes hours upon hours of watching MTV or following the twists and turns of the lives of celebrities that the young are so enamoured of, so be it. 3. Dress casually, dress fashionably. This is related in a way to the point above in that such a dress style will appeal to the youth, but the wider point is to create the perception that you are not a inflexible, conservative person like many Nigerian rulers have been. You want to appear relaxed and refreshingly radical; someone who dispenses with unnecessary formality, because what you're most interested in is getting the job done. But just because you have dispensed with formal attire doesn't mean you should be a walking fashion disaster. People need to know that their leader won't disgrace them in public. So remember those image consultants you got a while back? Get them to help you in creating a style that is casual, trendy; a style that becomes a signature style for you. 4. Be seen with the common man. Most Nigerian rulers have historically operated in the rarefied halls of power where they have minimal contact with the common man. It's small wonder that the common man perceives them as out of touch and uncaring about his welfare. Even if they may occasionally launch a program that is supposed to benefit the common man, he still views it with cynicism and distrust. So as a Nigerian Superhero, you will have to develop the common touch. You need to be seen as someone who has power, but who is down-to-earth enough to commune and interact with the ordinary person you are ruling. You need to be seen eating at their bukaterias and visting their neighbourhoods. (I would draw the line at boarding their danfo buses, though - that might pose too much of a security risk, given the way some of those drivers drive.) This way, you will be perceived as having an understanding of what the common man goes through, and thus you will be more convincing when you are explaining your programs to them. 5. Pick an enemy. To catch the people's imagination, it is important to depict the quest for progress as an apocalyptic scenario where you lead the Forces of Good agains the Legions of Evil. So it is important that you pick a suitable Enemy to lead the opposing forces. There are no shortage of choices: you could choose past corrupt leaders, you could choose the West, or you could choose multinational corporations. But whoever you choose, make sure you direct as much of your venom towards them as possible. Blame them when things go wrong; blame them when things go right for not letting things to have been even better; and at all times, warn Nigerians that the Enemy lurks around the corner, seeking to undo any gains that you have made. This means that the Enemy will act as a lightning rod to attract all the rage of the people away from any mistakes you may have made, and your achievements will shine even brighter. 6. Make speeches frequently. Nigerians absolutely love a good speaker. If you don't believe me, you only have to look at churches that are filled to overflowing as people flock to listen to an impassioned preacher, or a politician whose rallies are jam packed with supporters who want to hear the latest big words he has filled his speech with. So if you really want to get Nigerians falling at your feet, you need to develop the ability to make dramatic, inspiring, rousing and fiery speeches. Speeches that set out whatever vision you can come up with. Speeches that denounce the Enemy (see previous point). Speeches that pluck the heartstrings of Nigerians and produce the sweet songs of hope, elation, passion and joy. And speeches that give hope for a brighter, better future for all. Most importantly, you need to ensure that these speeches are given the widest coverage possible in order to reach the largest possible audience. OK, we have got this far. And if you think you can do all that I've listed, good. Because now comes the seventh - and the hardest - secret of all... 7. Die - after ruling for a brief period. Yes, that's right - in order to cement your iconic heroic status, your life will need to be cut short after you have come, seen and dazzled Nigerians with your heroism. In fact, the manner of your death is vitally important - rather than dying your bed after a brief illness, you should go out with all lights blazing, preferably in a plane crash, a horrific road accident or in a hail of bullets. The more dramatic, apocalyptic and cataclysmic the death, the better. That way, Nigerians will be able to concoct a thousand and one conspiracies, with ninety-nine percent of them laying the blame at the door of - you guessed it - the Enemy. But more importantly, your death after such a brief but brilliant rule will spare you the criticism that is usually reserved for other leaders. Your excesses, your lapses, your obssesion with image instead of substance, your fixation with flashy gestures and your lack of a coherent program - if all these have become evident in your even short rule - will all be forgiven and forgotten, and your place in the annals of Nigerian history will be secured forever as 'a truly visionary leader who had the interest of his people at heart'. Yours sincerely, 'Shoko Loko Bangoshe'
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Dear Aspiring Nigerian Ruler,
# 
Your Comments
Please make The Square an enjoyable experience for everyone by refraining from gratuitous ad-hominem contributions, defamatory comments and off-topic posting. Such posts will be removed.