21 Sep 2009 |
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Ade stirred in his bed, and then sat bolt upright. What time was it? Surely he hadn't slept for that long; he had only planned to take a short nap before getting ready for the party. Joy would not be happy. Oh well, it was time to dig deep down into his exhaustible reserves of charm...
"Hi darling."
Silence.
"Er... Joy... are you there?"
"Where else will I be? Shebi I'm waiting for you to pick me up as you promised."
"You won't believe it, but I took a quick nap and my stupid gsm didn't wake me up even though I had set it to do so."
"I'm so sorry to hear that, Ade. In fact, I'm in floods of tears right now."
Ade sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought.
"OK, I shouldn't be giving excuses... but it's not like I planned this to happen. We all make mistakes now..."
Joy sighed. "Ade, your own case is something else. They say that when couples are going out, women are supposed to take more time in getting ready. But your time management skills single-handedly shatter that stereotype into a million pieces."
Ade bristled. "In fact, I don't even know why you are making noise over this. I'll start rushing like a madman - and when we get there, we'll find that nobody has turned up."
"That's not the point. You SAID that you would be at my place at four-thirty. It's quarter to five, and I'm still waiting. This is not just about keeping to time, it's about keeping promises."
"It's my fault. Next time, I will add fine print to my promises which says 'This promise comes with only a 99.9% chance of being kept. Hence, the promissee should note that the promissor may be prevented from fulfilling his promises by that 0.01% chance which could be caused by earthquakes, fires, floods, coups, area boys, go slows, PHCN, the stock market and falling asleep after eating a delicious bowl of fufu and ogbono soup prepared with the kind of love only a girlfriend can give."
Joy giggled. "It would be nice to hear that my fufu fills you with energy rather than sending you to sleep."
Ade breathed a silent sigh of relief. "It does that too. OK, let me not waste any more time. I'll start getting ready now so that I can be there as soon as I can."
*****
"What's the matter, now?" Ade asked, poking his head out of his wound-down window.
"Oga, it looks like a building collapsed, and they are trying to clear the debris."
Ade cursed out loud. Of all the times for this to happen...
"These contractors self. Why must they always use substandard materials to build?"
"No-o." The bystander with whom Ade had been speaking shook his head vehemently. "This one was more than fake cement. They say that the ground shook and caused the building to collapse. In fact, everyone around the place thought that the world was coming to an end."
Another bystander cut in. "What kind of nonsense are you talking about? How can the ground just shake like that? This is Nigeria... things don't just happen like that!"
"I agree with you, jo", said Bystander Three to Bystander Two. "It's all these road contractors using their drills and earthmovers to repair the expressway over there that caused the problem."
An angry Bystander One turned to face his antagonists. "You are the one talking nonsense! How can the work taking place from that distance affect any house? And how come it's only this house that collapsed?"
Bystander Three shot back. "My friend, use your head, for heaven's sake! Wouldn't an earthquake have levelled more than just one house? Of course it was the contractors!"
"Wait o..." Bystander Two shook his head. "Who said it was anything to do with contractors? This is jazz, pure and simple!"
Bystander Three stared at this statement in disbelief, then shook his head. "This is why Nigeria can never progress. Everything must be blamed on jazz." He turned to Bystander Two and went on. "My friend, the only jazz around here is the jazz that you are speaking!"
As the three bystanders continued to argue amongst themselves, Ade wound up window and rolled his eyes in disgust. Nigerians! Simple issue like this, and they wanted to start World War III over it. How he wished he had not decided to take this shortcut to save time. He should ring Joy and let her know that he would be delayed.
Joy was pacing round her room impatiently when her phone rang.
"Hi darling."
"Ade! Where are you, now? You said you would be here 15 minutes ago."
"I'm stuck in traffic because a building collapsed. Some people say it was an earthquake that caused it."
Joy snorted irritably. "Earthquake? Ade, are you fooling around here? You know that earthquakes don't happen in Nigeria!"
"OK, I don't know whether it was an earthquake or not - but the collapsed building is real enough. Honestly, I don't know whether I'm going to be able to get to you by car. Do you want to find your own way?"
"No... I'll wait. After all, you are the one that knows the celebrant - without you being there, I'll feel like a fish out of water."
Ade thought for a while, then brightend up. "I know - I'll find a safe place to park the car, then I'll make my way to your place through other means."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Joy asked worriedly. "I know how protective you are of your car."
"That's true - but I also care about not keeping you waiting. Don't worry, the place looks reasonably safe. Let me see if I can turn off this road, then I should get an okada to you as soon as possible."
*****
"Are you sure you know this area well?"
The okada rider nodded his head vigorously in the affirmative.
"I don carry many people for dis side before. No worry - I go reach di place soon."
That's what you said half and hour ago, fumed Ade silently, as he vibrated uncomfortably on the threadbare pillion seat of the bike. They had ended up in this unfamiliar area because the rider swore that a tanker was burning on the usual route, and this was a secret shortcut known only to the Confraternity of Okada Riders. The only person more angry than him right now must be Joy; he had thought of trying to ring her to explain the situation a few minutes ago, but he didn't think it would be a good idea to take his attention off the road for even one minute. Besides, he would hardly be able to hear her over the frantic whine of the bike.
They rode along for a few minutes, and then suddenly, the rider slowed down and parked by the road. "Wait o. I dey come." He began trotting towards a run down house.
"What? Where the hell do you think you are going?" All the pent-up anger inside Ade burst through in a torrent of rage. "Look, my friend - you are going to carry me to my destination NOW!"
The rider turned towards him apologetically. "Oga no vex. I no fit."
"What do you mean 'you no fit' Was it not you that said we would reach my destination soon?"
"Eh..." the rider scratched his head, embarrassed. "Eh... e be like say dis area don change small since di last time I come here. But no worry. I go ask my paddy wey dey for dis house here."
Ade turned away, disgusted. "You know what? Forget it! Just forget it! I will stand a better chance of getting to my destination if I walk than if I follow you. I don't even think you have any 'paddy' in this area... you just want to go and hide until I get tired of waiting for you."
The rider smiled sheepishly. "Eh, but Oga, you no go pay..."
Ade whirled round, his face a mask of fury. "Are you insane??? Pay you - for what? If I hear you mouth make 'kpi' again, I will so slap it that it will need an okada rider to find its way back to your face!"
The rider slunk away, and Ade was left to ponder how he would complete his journey. Oh well, first things first.
"Ade, I assume that you are calling to tell me that you are getting closer to my place, right?"
"Actually, no. The okada rider has dumped me in the middle of nowhere, and I'm trying to figure out how to get to your place."
"How come? I thought it was a fairly straight journey to my place, even by okada."
"Well, the rider said he had heard that there was a fire caused by a tanker explosion on the normal route, and he was trying to be clever by taking another route."
There was a long silence, then with resignation in her voice, Joy said "Ade, I think you should just head back home. It's obvious that we're not just meant to go to the party today. First earthquakes, then fire, then - who knows what next? Floods? Pestilence? Brimstone? Thunder and lightning?"
Ade struggled to control his anger. "You think I'm lying? You think I enjoy having to abandon my car and have my bones shaken all over the place on an okada to get to your place?"
"Please do not even think about blaming me for what is happening to you", Joy retorted indignantly. "You agreed to the arrangement to pick me up; if you had decided that it was too much trouble, we could have changed it."
"OK - fine! I'm heading home! I hope that will make you happy!"
"Take care that there are no lions or tiger waiting to ambush you o!" And before Ade could respond, Joy rang off. This left him in an even worse mood than he had been before, especially because he had to figure out how to get back home.
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