"Alhaji! Long time no see. How now?"

"Chief Di Chief! Ah, you know how it is... the usual kind of business to take care of."

"Abi o! All those contracts waiting to be approved... which committee are you on, again?"

"The Public Works Committee. It's very, very busy at this time... the budget has just been approved, and we are trying to decide which areas to allocate expenditure to."

"So I'm sure many community leaders and contractors are coming to disturb you at this time, eh?"

"Hahahaha! You know these things, now. Of course, my time is precious, so they have to 'shake bodi'".

"And that is even before you have started issuing the contracts! Alhaji, you're lucky o!"

"Come on, Chief, don't talk like that. Isn't it true that you're on the Education Committee?"

"Oh, you know that place is dry. Not much money there."

"Who are you trying to deceive? My good friend, the Brigadier-General, used to be on that committee a few years ago. All those contracts to supply educational materials, school uniforms and build schools - you're telling me that you won't see any of that action? Or are you saying that the money is not up to your standard?"

"OK, there is money, I agree... but you know that I have many commitments, now."

"Chieeeef! What is it, now? Please don't tell me you have acquired another young girl to start spending money on. You already have a wife and children - I think you are getting old for this kind of thing, now..."

"Old? Me? Nonsense! I'm only fifty-five. A man like me has to keep myself active, and Suzie is just the girl I need. Anyway, what about you with your many wives and concubines?"

"Look, it's you we are talking about here, not me! But I think you have landed well getting on the Education Committee."

"I don't know... the problem is that some useless critics are beginning to talk about opening up the process of awarding contracts - as if we haven't done enough to satisfy them already."

"Opening up the process? What is their problem? The invitations to tender are published in the newspapers, and the final award is done in public. What more do they want? Do they want to follow us around with cameras like we are common criminals?"

"One or two of them are saying that details of all contracts awarded should be published on the internet. They are also saying that the published details should include a full breakdown of the cost of each item in the contract, alongside the market value of the item. They say that this is a clear way of the people knowing how the government is spending its money."

"Nonsense! All that is just grammar that most people don't even understand. I'm sure that the person who is saying this is just a hungry man looking for settlement. Isn't that how our people operate?"

"Exactly! They make so much noise when they are outside government, but put them in a position of power, and they are even worse than those they are condemning."

"Sometimes, I wonder about how unrealistic our people are. Don't they understand that we have spent so much money getting elected? So why should we not recoup our expenses?"

"Alhaji - it's not just about recouping expenses for me o! You know that as a businessman, I don't just want to struggle in business... I want to make a big profit! Hahahahaha!"

"Look, don't worry about those critics. Just invite the ones that are making noise for dinner, and give them something to keep them happy. In fact, forget about that. Don't even invite them - just ignore them. Which Nigerian has the time to start worrying about how contracts are awarded?"

"That's true. Nigerians only start making noise when everything is exposed. That is why the most important thing in doing these deals is to make sure that nobody finds out!"

"That is why I have no pity at these foolish politicians who chop and chop as though nobody is looking. Of course, the moment they are found out, I am amongst those who cry loudest for them to resign."

"So that you can deflect attention from your own side deals! You be real cunny man, Alhaji! But you don't worry that one day, some critic will make enough noise to make life uncomfortable for us?"

"Nooooo! Even the critics that are not hungry cannot do much to us. Look - they have been complaining about the same thing for years and years, and what have Nigerians done? These critics don't understand that Nigerians have more important things to worry about than what happens in the corridors of power."

"So you don't think that one day, Nigerians will wake up and start a revolution?"

"Revolution? Chief, maybe this viagra that you are taking is messing your brain up. Since when did Nigerians start revolutions? Look, let me tell you something. The average Nigerian wants the good things of life - but he is not prepared to die to achieve them. And I don't blame him - how can you enjoy the good things of life when you are dead? Hahahahaha! So don't worry about him rioting - he likes his life too much."

"In fact, you are right, Alhaji. I have seen Nigerians who live in terrible conditions, but who are always very hopeful for the future. That is why I like Nigerians - we have this indomitable spirit that even when things are bad, we can triumph over adversity."

"That's true. If anyone had to endure what we Nigerians have endured - bad roads, no electricity, rampant crime - they would have been given up a long time ago. I think it is God that is giving us the strength to endure the tough times we are going through."

"We need God's guidance in these times o! Only the other day, the diesel generator that I run in my house packed up. Can you believe the torment I suffered that night without air-conditioning? I tell you, that PHCN or NEPA or whatever they call themselves... they are just useless!"

"Completely useless! Imagine, when I go abroad on my holidays, there is usually light 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! Why can't we do that over here?"

"It's these corrupt PHCN officials. Instead of them to be working on ensuring that there is light, they go round connecting people illegally or helping vandals remove cables."

"I tell you, Chief - this country definitely needs prayers."

"I'm sure that God has not forgotten Nigeria. My pastor says that he has seen a vision that Nigeria will definitely be a power to be reckoned with in the next five years - as big as Britain and Germany."

"Speaking of Britain, I will be flying out there in a few months to see my children who are schooling over there."

"So it will be purely a holiday trip?"

"No, not quite. I also need to take care of some small business... I hear that there are some choice properties to be bought, and I will be working with one Nigerian in the diaspora to see if I can get a good property... preferably in Mayfair or Knightsbridge.* I'm looking to spend in the region of about 1.5 million pounds."

"Hmm... maybe I should be thinking about that as well. Well, I have to be going now - I have to meet Suzie at that nightclub downtown... and then, we will go from there to that hotel nearby."

"Chieeeef! Well, as long as you don't die of a heart attack. I will see you around. Good bye!"

*Mayfair and Knightsbridge are the Ikoyi and Victoria Island of London. 

Robot  # 1 | 01.04.2008 20:27

"Alhaji! Long time no see. How now?" "Chief Di Chief! Ah, you know ...Read the full article.

emj  # 2 | 01.04.2008 22:15

Hmmm.........SLB.....nah wah phor u man....dis article made my evening..thanks and goodnight:biggrin::biggrin: "One or two of them are saying that details of all contracts awarded should be published on the internet. They are also saying that the published details should include a full breakdown of the cost of each item in the contract, alongside the market value of the item. They say that this is a clear way of the people knowing how the government is spending its money." "Nonsense! All that is just grammar that most people don't even understand. I'm sure that the person who is saying this is just a hungry man looking for settlement. Isn't that how our people operate?" "Exactly! They make so much noise when they are outside government, but put them in a position of power, and they are even worse than those they are condemning." "Sometimes, I wonder about how unrealistic our people are. Don't they understand that we have spent so much money getting elected? So why should we not recoup our expenses?" Spot on...don't mind dis yeye internet/armchair critics...dem wan put eye inside everytingy:cool: "Revolution? Chief, maybe this viagra that you are taking is messing your brain up. Since when did Nigerians start revolutions? Look, let me tell you something. The average Nigerian wants the good things of life - but he is not prepared to die to achieve them. And I don't blame him - how can you enjoy the good things of life when you are dead? Hahahahaha! So don't worry about him rioting - he likes his life too much." Yep, u got dat right...all bloody civillians...nah who wan die die:lol::lol: Anywaz, nice goings/doings, tell chief/thief say we dey laik dele phor when hin go land for Mayfair...WG(wayoguy dey wait phoram):eek::p

Shoko Loko Bangoshe  # 3 | 02.04.2008 00:34

Emj, The worrying thing is that even if real incriminating conversations were published for all to see, I'm doubtful that it would do much to change the way politics in done in Nigeria. Yeah - I'm so disillusioned that I don't waste my time jubilating over any judicial 'victory' against anti-democratic actions.

Rastafida  # 4 | 02.04.2008 04:03

I hate politicians with a passion. The conversation of these two corrupt politicians has, as it will be expected, gravitated towards a review of their appropriations, aggrandizements, sexual dalliances and gratifications. But hardly towards providing in adequate quantity and quality, the basic necessities of life to the teeming population whose lot is backbreaking toil and grinding poverty. I hate politicians with such a morbid and fiery passion that each time I hear or read about their fall from power, my relief and joy is orgasmic.

ALORAINIDDEVIL  # 5 | 02.04.2008 07:27

Thanks for your wonderful article. it really made me forget the stupid FC Roma that made me loose money yesterday.

ILN TOO  # 6 | 02.04.2008 09:30

Shoko, Congrats for a very good article. The unfortunate thing is that most of the conversation in this satire actually takes place in Nigeria. Sad. Very sad.

thekingsjester  # 7 | 02.04.2008 10:35

You know Shoko, these are the realities we are faced with as Nigerians and I believe this is only one angle of the sorts of conversations that carry on within the corridors of power but isn't it sad that these same people are given seats of honour at public events. Whereas they should rather be shunned. I believe that the earlier we realise that we all deserve an equal share from this national cake, rather than the crumbs that fall from the tables of politicians, the better it will be for all of us, particularly the overzealous thugs and policemen that guard them.

salford  # 8 | 02.04.2008 12:24

The people deserve the government they have.

datuouwadaberechi  # 9 | 02.04.2008 12:29

very interesting read. it is ironic to note that the politicians having the conversation, saw themselves as being victims of the corruption in the power sector!!! thats the thing about nigeria....we all complain how bad corruption is and how it is destroying the fabric and substance of the nation, but in our little corners, we are practising the same corruption!!!! we inflate the budgets for small meetings, we make false claims, we play truant to work, we arrive late, we falsify receipts, we call in sick when we are not sick, etc,etc,etc. these offences may seem trivial, but the Good Book says that "if you are not faithful in small things, you are not likely to be faithful in big things". this is pretty true about the nigerian situation. am sure Annenih is complaining bitterly and loudly about how bad the power situation is. after all Liyel is even complaining of light and bad road......did our own OBJ not complain about the state of the roads when he was no longer jetting around everywhere??? that conversation btwn the politicians is so representative of the attitude of nigerians.... "others should fix their act, while i continue in my sins, after all i have responsibilities, i should feed from my position", and finally, "the one am taking is only N**** as opposed to what the politicians are carting away in abuja, makurdi, uyo, enugu, gombe, yola, birnin-kebbi, dutse, and so on. may our Lord deliver us.

wonderer  # 10 | 03.04.2008 16:19

SLB: Thank you for the beautifully written article. What I found a bit scary that if I changed the names and a few details, this conversation could be a translation of a conversation between a certain type of politicians in my country. Which makes me wonder about the existence of a kind of universal corruption culture! I think I also get what you mean by being "disillusioned". Some years ago I was such an idealist, thinking my country has the resources (both material and human) to be in a much better level of development. I wanted to put efforts into changing whatever I can change. I thought it was as simple as 1+1=2, but I found out that 1+1 could equal 2 or 3 or 4 or 11 or 1100 depending on the situation and who stands to gain what. Several disappointments later, now I am putting efforts into not allowing the prevailing situations to change me!