There are no readily available data from the US State Department as to the number of Africans who join their spouse, fiancé or fiancée in the United States every year. From private conversation and observation, one is assuming that about three thousand Africans make such journey on a yearly basis. Of this, some seventy percent are from English-speaking Africa, and roughly eighty percent of these claim to be Christians. Of those who engage in such rituals, more than ninety-five percent are men.

The immigration process can be trying, and costs lots of money, resourcefulness and perseverance! But why do African men go though this tortuous immigration process? Why do African men go home to marry instead of marrying the women they’ve wined and dined and romanced right here in the US. Most of these women (who are already in the US) are well-educated, well-read and well-traveled; they are well mannered and have, in most cases, proven their trustworthiness. They are women of two worlds: they know Africa and also understand the West.

In spite their advantages and pluses, the vast majority of these women are very likely to lose their boyfriends to women back home. But really, why do African men go home to marry the “unknowns” instead of marrying the proven and the reliable here in the US? Anyone who has lived in the United States for a good number of years can easily attest to the fact this is not an easy country to live in. It is a very individualistic and very challenging society and is at a variance with agrarian societies like ours.

So, once you find a woman you like and love and respect and can get along with, what is the point returning to the continent to find the inexperienced? If you already have a woman who makes your heart skip beats and you fancy her worldview, what’s the point returning to Africa to proposition the raw and the unrefined? And after several years of putting up with your eccentricity, infantile behavior and messy bedside manners, what’s the point dumping her for the greenhorn?

Why Do African Men Go Home to Marry? Well, granted a thousand men have a thousand different reasons for going home to marry, there are common threads as to why they do what they do: (1) because they can; (2) most men are under the illusion that the women they knew back home are innocent, un-spoilt and virginal; (3) it could be an ego-boosting exercise; (4) it allows some men to mask their failures and shortcomings since the women who are already in the US can tell where they are on the social and economic ladder.

Additionally, some men want their women to look up to them since it makes them appear more than what and who they really are (at least in the initial stages). And then there those who will tell you African girls in the US have all “gone bad…rotten…too exposed…too independent.” And of course there are the traditionalists, who will not marry anyone outside of their ethnic group.

I am reminded of a friend in Seattle who once told me that there was nothing else he could “teach” his girlfriend in terms of romance and sex. She rocked his world in every way imaginable. In the end though, he went home to marry a “village girl.” She pretended for a while, but later proved to him that "everything a Yankee can do a Naija woman can also do.” Shortly thereafter, he also realized he was her one-way ticket out of her misery and poverty in Nigeria. There are many more similar stories. I have heard it all, and seen it all. I also know that the majority of such marriages start collapsing within 2 years. The American society has a way of Oprahlizing even a girl from Timbuktu or Aba.

When it is all said and done, the African male is perplexing. He can be enigmatic. He can be everything and sometimes, nothing. He can be sweet and loving and caring and benevolent and at the same time oppressive. His life is full of contradictions. In so many ways, he is a wounded animal as a result of his historical past. Once, he was the primary breadwinner. Once, he was the head of the household. Once, he was the man who moved mountains and parted the heavens so it rained. That was a time long gone.

The modern times have not been exactly good to him because of the multiplying effects of globalization and modernity. Even though the outside world is depriving him of his manhood, he has found a way to make part of his world his playground. His home has become his playground. And in this playground, he is the captain. He is the sole captain. No co-captains. His words and wishes are the law. Globalization and modernity may be creeping in on and chipping away at his manhood, he has found a way to protect his playground. Or so he thought! To make his thoughts a reality, he marries a greenhorn.

But you see life has a way of getting back at us. Sooner or later, Karma will come to play.Life is dynamic. Ever changing. Never static. Therefore, yesterday’s greenhorns will become the “ever-present and ever-knowing” of tomorrow. The innocents will lose the mist in their eyes and become like all the women that came before them. Though the preceding assertion is not empirically grounded, one can not but notice that “greenhorn marriages” dissolve quicker -- mostly within five years with or without offspring.

More often than not most of these marriages are not based on love or affection. Most are not even like the marriages of yester-years: a contract and a union between two families. On the part of the greenhorns, it is mostly about the need to escape the prevailing abject poverty and hopelessness that has engulfed most African countries. Most of these women wanted a way out of the misery in Kenya, Guinea, Liberia, and Eritrea and elsewhere.

In Nigeria, Cameroon, Mali, Madagascar and Mauritania, it is about running away from the fetid and stifling conditions that stunts dreams and kill optimism. Therefore, when presented with the opportunity to hop, they pack and run! It should be noted here and now that it is not all the women who come to join their husbands fit this profile. A good number come for the right reasons.

As for the men who go in search of these women, well, their mindset has been discussed. What needs to be added is the fact that most are never happy because they got what they never bargained for: stunned, disappointed and underachieving wives who never knew about 40-60-hour work week; women who never knew there are no dollar minting factories down the street, that America is not what they saw in the movies and magazines, that America is not a world of instant riches and glamour. You toil and toil and toil!

The unfamiliar can be mind-sapping, you know. These women see ghosts and dream of “bad-bad-bad-things.” Depression and identity crisis then sets in. Those who can’t cope then leave their husbands and marriage and try to go it alone believing their lots would be better without the “extra baggage.” Big mistake, for most!

As for the men, well, some will plead with, cajole or trick their wives into going into the nursing or CNA profession assuming the women were not already one back home. The nursing profession, they believe, is a sure avenue for making money and living the good life. Be it in Houston, Seattle, Dallas, Miami, New York and every where in between, African nurses abound.

They are everywhere working mostly the night and graveyard shifts, toiling day and night and away from their husbands and children just to make ends meet. With no time to smell the roses or to wonder at the beauties that surround them, they become strangers in the world they live in.

Why do we wine and dine and romance our women if we have no intention of marrying them? Why do we whine and complain when we see them lay their eggs in the nest of other races? Why do we sneer at them when they turn the “ideal age for marriage” and are unmarried? And why do we slap the culture page at them when they have children out of wedlock? It is a shame the way some African men in this country have treated and continues to treat some of our women. It is truly a shame!

Sabidde@yahoo.com

Robot  Villager

# 1 There are no readily available data from the US State Department as to the number ...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 19.08.2008 00:10

Dewdrops  Villager

# 2 =Robot;4295085209>There are no readily available data from the US State Department as to the number ...Read the full article. Sorry, Nothing wrong with going to Nigeria to get married to a "nurse eliza" if your heart is in the right place. Have quite a few co-workers who are making it without horrors of "domestic tragedy". It is the intent/level of committment that counts. Coming to America without some kind of professional background spells doom. Since most have realized that, having wasted their times with "Ph.Ds, M.B.As, C.P.A.s and all those kinds of "dead" end achievement stuff for "immigrants" especially, it is only wise for a man or woman to seek a professional to help right that wrong. That does not mean the "professional immigrant spouses" should become slaves. This situation should not be a permanent one. The hosting spouse should do everything to make the "immigrant" spouse welcome as a team mate. With love, respect and consideration, things would work out. Not rivalry, petty jealousy, indignation, envy and frustration. While the immigrant spouse is working towards the goal of salvaging the family's situation. . . . the hosting spouse should try to measure up instead of degenerating further into nothingness and dragging the already over-burdened immigrant spouse way below the level of compromise. A healthy partnership I say. I will drink to that!:cool: _________________________ _________________________ They are everywhere working mostly the night and graveyard shifts, toiling day and night and away from their husbands and children just to make ends meet. With no time to smell the roses or to wonder at the beauties that surround them, they become strangers in the world they live in. Sorry, I work grave yard shift and my hubby works strictly a day shift rotation. Someone is always home with the kids. It is all about partnership. We toil alright since this is not Nigeria where you can steal money in millions with a scribble on a note pad. And yes! It is very rewarding. We do not owe "unnecessarily" and have a "healthy" savings. At least we know what we are toiling for. Not to live in mansions we cannot pay for or drive cars with hefty monthly car payments. If you have kids in private boarding schools and work hard to give your family the very best like some of our parents did for us, nothing wrong with toiling then. Planning I say. . . .planning is the key! Are you toiling to wear clothes to owanmbe or are you toiling to give your family the best? Nothiing wrong with toiling, if you have the right goals, strike a balance between your family and career, and you are not swimming in debt because of long throat or competition with your neighbour. Priorities please! I don't miss my 6 vacations every year either. And I smell enough roses to make me sick of them. My lawn is full of them too! If you do not find time to chop life with all the money you are making. . . . . life will definitely chop you. The reason most look haggard and unkempt. Absolutely lack of priorities! I definitely did not come over here to join the sufferhead race! :cool: If you miss your step within your first 5 years of getting over to the diaspora. . . . chances are, you will never catch up. The reason most return to Nigeria in frustration or kill their "RN" wives! Hear ye! Hear ye! Posted by Dewdrops| 19.08.2008 02:07

rina  Villager

# 3 To me, i feel they are afraid to marry outside their homes cos of the big word"ALIMONY". besides marrying from africa, they'll have control over their spouse and be able to manipulate them the way they want. some even feel, they can marry the wives and leave them in their various countries and send semen via the mail or post to get them pregnant/or come in when on hols, get their spouses pregnant. then u see the stupid women walking around proudly telling anyone who cares to listen that they have a husband in JAN(US). i begi make i yan una we for african don open eye o. so make u na no come think say we be **** o. Yes some women in africa are humble while some pretend to be. whichever way whoever want to come back home and marry an african queen i'll advice shine your eyes o. Posted by rina| 19.08.2008 05:13

allaccess  Villager

# 4 No harm in marrying who you like...its about choice and compatibility But one must understand that some nigerians regardless of what environment you place them, their archaic traditional beliefs and astern mentality will still remain with them, they cannot seem to assimilate and integrate into their host country so they choose to bring to their abode that same traditions and beliefs the ran away from - how best to relive it but import a wife who shares similar traits as them. I beg someone invite me to the next owambe party jare...my man don bring him alhaja from nijja to come shake yansh, oyimbo no fit do am... omashe 'o Posted by allaccess| 19.08.2008 05:21

ogajim  JJC

# 5 I don't know what this guy had to smoke before he wrote this piece of crap. In the interest of full disclosure, I am not one of those who needs validation (or whatever the reason for it) by marrying someone from home. Dude has lots of great points but his presentation sucks to say the least, most of those guys going home are the cab drivers who pull 16 hour days only to go home for a month and become the toast of Lagos and the women that marry them thinking it will continue like that (everyday no be Christmas now) Someone must have pulled a fast one on someone this guy knows or is related to, that's my gut feeling. Posted by ogajim| 19.08.2008 10:09

datuouwadaberechi  Villager

# 6 "Why do we wine and dine and romance our women if we have no intention of marrying them? Why do we whine and complain when we see them lay their eggs in the nest of other races? Why do we sneer at them when they turn the “ideal age for marriage” and are unmarried? And why do we slap the culture page at them when they have children out of wedlock? It is a shame the way some African men in this country have treated and continues to treat some of our women. It is truly a shame!" very good questions there!!! Posted by datuouwadaberechi| 20.08.2008 06:26

What?  Villager

# 7 =Dewdrops;4295085230>.... Sorry, I work grave yard shift and my hubby works strictly a day shift rotation..... No wonder your posts unfailingly come across as angry. America no easy atoll. Posted by What?| 20.08.2008 14:19

ogajim  JJC

# 8 What has the lady's shift got to do with the tone of her posts? Like this guy wrote, Nigerian men na wa for una. Some Nigerian men are still stuck in the past as a friend told me recently of her experience as a guidance counselor in one of the local colleges here where our men bring the JJC wives and insist on them being on a nursing program to the point she had to wonder who was going to school. The chicken does come home to roost so don't kill them when they wise up and start thinking for themselves....if you had to go get someone from home, expect them to wise up at some point and there's nothing you can do about it. Posted by ogajim| 21.08.2008 07:34

Dewdrops  Villager

# 9 =What?;4295086082>No wonder your posts unfailingly come across as angry. America no easy atoll. And I guess all the other times I am smiling or laughing around here. . . . . I am angry too abi? I may be aggressive, direct and insensitive in my approach to things. . . . . .heck not angry. Sometimes yes! Most times no!:D If what you want to hear does not come out with "prostrating" on my knees, I must definitely be angry then. . . . .Yeah! Blame America for my anger. Well, that is your own observation and wahala. . . . . frankly nothing to do with me.:cool: At least thank God America has employment at night too. Unlike in Nigeria where the whole country experiences "physical and spiritual" blackout after 5PM with only "go slow" to look forward to. The only thing you can do in Nigeria after 5PM is prostitution or armed robbery. For entertainment nko? Drink beer, eat "Nkwobi" and phock without brushing your teeth or taking a bath with smelling crotches and armpits! Why won't I be angry? :lol: _________________________ _________________________ =ogajim;4295086340> What has the lady's shift got to do with the tone of her posts? Pleas ask him again! Definitely one of those timid villagers driving taxis in Oklahoma or Mississippi say im dey for America!:D Posted by Dewdrops| 21.08.2008 09:21

10Kobo  Villager

# 10 =Dewdrops;4295086381> At least thank God America has employment at night too. Unlike in Nigeria where the whole country experiences "physical and spiritual" blackout after 5PM with only "go slow" to look forward to. The only thing you can do in Nigeria after 5PM is prostitution or armed robbery. For entertainment nko? Drink beer, eat "Nkwobi" and phock without brushing your teeth or taking a bath with smelling crotches and armpits! Why won't I be angry? :lol: _________________________ _________________________ Pleas ask him again! Definitely one of those timid villagers driving taxis in Oklahoma or Mississippi say im dey for America!:D DeweeDewee, why would you allow some "meddler" to "rock your boat" and make you say uncomplimentary things you wouldn't have said, on a good day? Your first post is one of the most honest l have ever read on this NVS. Unlike all those "anonymous" 10Kobo :D who fart all over the place claiming to be one "C.E.O" or one "professional"! There is dignity in labor.. l can vouch now that you're not one of dem "credit-card fraudsters" that give us a bad image abroad. Three Gbossa, for u. Back to the yarns jare, This article is very one sided O...trying to discuss a "man's agenda", just from a female point of view and it makes all sort of wild and spurious assumptions that it was tending gradually towards the trash-bin! You need to put yourself in the mind of those men that go home to marry, to be able to "appraise and judge them" correctly. For them, all this talk about "two Captains" will only sink the ship. Nigerians are who they are and there cultural background and upbringing, like that of any human, plays a huge part in their perception of the "role and position" of their wife in the family setup. You are what you "ingested", physically, psychologically and environmentally. I think our men (l said l think O!) have burned into their subconscious, this notion, rightly or wrongly, that a man is the "head or Captain" in a family-setting and sometime ago, when some men were whining about 'Nigerian women not coming along with their purse, when you take them out, l countered that it means nothing except "thats what we all grew up to believe was right", thats what is burned in our brains and thats the standard we have set for ourselves in Africa..... A Naija-man that is assertive to the point of working himself to death (go to Edo state and all you hear is "Mama Landlord", what of Baba Landlord? He don kaput! :D) because he has to live-up to the accepted norm of being the "sole provider" for the family. To do otherwise is to loose your 'manhood'! But we all know that in the west, "everyone works and everyone pays", 50-50! Equality, two captains, e.t.c, are the standard they have set, live by and grow-up with. And its okay and working! So, if you see men that grew-up in Naija, then migrated to the west and decide to "migrate backwards" for a wife, it simply tells you that "he is listening to his inner mind", what has been programmed into his memory. Five years in America or Europe does not erase over thirty years of programming from birth, abi? Now, how that wife turns out is immaterial, just like how the wife of a man living in Naija, turns out, is not a function of living in Naija but "who the man and woman are, intrinsically". How they cope with inevitable disagreements and going-forward. Let me conclude by giving a very crude example: Its is "classical abomination" in Nigeria, for a wife to "slap or use Police to arrest" her husband :D but in the West, my friends tell me, when l just came down that "if your wife calls Police, run before they arrive"....if she slaps you on the left cheek, smile like u're amused :D and stylishly "take a walk" before more slaps land on the other cheek!" Osanobua!! Now you see why that Naija man fails to comprehend "whats gwan" and to play safe (at least for sometime before the Naija import learns "how we do it over here and yawaa-gazz), he returns to "familiar environment", his comfort zone! We all do. Forgive me if l am wrong, l am just trying to peer into the hearts of men......as a man! 10Kobo Bushman like me, l just pray it never happens in my life time when my wife will be "angry and determined enough" to slap me.....am sure l will simply pass-out, out of contemplating what to do :D:D:D but then, l am not also "angry enough" to slap her sha...actually, not bold enough. :D Nnnaa, Yeeye dey smell for Onyebeeke-land! Posted by 10Kobo| 21.08.2008 12:10

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