Black Women And White Men And The Question Of Marriage (part 2)

Jul

2009

	By *Sabella O Abidde* 13 July 2009

It is unlikely anyone knows for sure the number of successful or promising Black men who are dating or are married to White women. All we know is that the number is large; we also know that in some communities, dating or being married to a White woman is considered desirable. On the other hand, it is easy to have an accurate count of the number of thriving White men who are dating or are married to Black women. If the former is twenty-five thousand Black men, the latter may be no more than one hundred and fifty White men.

Actually, one hundred and fifty may be too generous a number. It has been observed that successful White men seem not to have reasons to look elsewhere; but successful Black men always seem to have reasons -- flimsy or not -- to look elsewhere for mates. Outside of the United States -- particularly in Europe and Latin America -- the ratio is more encouraging. There are cultural, social and historical reasons for this. In sub-Saharan African countries, however, the numbers are actually dismal.

Sexual attraction is one thing, marriage is another. In fact, what we have in sub-Saharan Africa -- depending on the country in focus -- can be considered low-risk prostitution, sexual exploitation, or toto-slavery. There are three reasons why this is taking place: crushing poverty; the total disregard for Blacks; and power play. At the other end of the spectrum are successful Africans, who, after years of sojourn abroad, returned home with their wives and children.

From1970 until 1980, or thereabout, the size of foreign-born women married to Nigerian men so alarmed the Nigerian military government that it forbade its military and Foreign Service officers from marrying non-Nigerians. National security and state secret became an issue. Those already married to non-Nigerians were allowed to keep their wives, but for a while, the ban on new or future liaisons with foreign born spouses was in effect.

There are several ways through which the outside world is recolonizing Africa -- large scale sexual abuse is one such ways. The dehumanization of Africa through sex is a phenomenon that has largely gone unnoticed. And even where it has been noticed, alarms are not being raised. Civil societies have gone alarmingly quiet on this issue; and so have governments, religious bodies and the intellectual class.

In this instance, I am not referring to the thousands of African women, and hundreds of African men, who go to Europe to engage in prostitution. No. My concern here is the kind of prostitution, domination and abuse, which are taking place within the continent. Of special note is Nigeria, where thousands of women are nothing but sex freaks in the service of non-Black men. For instance, the Niger Delta region is considered the largest sex bazaar in the West African sub-region. Foreign oil workers, the expatriates, have their pick of women -- some as young as 15. By the time they turn 25 or 30, they have become connoisseurs of all types of decent, indecent, imaginable and unimaginable sex acts.

By or at that age -- 25 through 30 -- they have become aficionados of bedroom violence. What’s more, they become carriers and transmitters of all types of diseases. The crushing poverty and acute hopelessness within the region makes the women susceptible to sexual exploitation. And so it is that for the equivalent of five dollars, a foreign oil worker can have two women engage in sex while he watches; for ten dollars or so, an expatriate can have sex with two sisters or cousins; for fifteen dollars three workers can dominate one girl -- gleefully doing to her what only the sickest of all sick perverts can only imagine.

Scatology, for instance, is a new addition. Sodomy, especially of young boys, is ancient, but has in recent years been gaining currency. Because Nigeria, like most sub-Saharan African countries is not a statistics-literate country, no one has the estimate of boys/men who willingly or unwillingly engage in anal sex and/or prostitution. Nonetheless, patterns indicate three formations: (1) most of the boys are not gays, their anality is simply a means of survival, a manifestation of the failure Nigeria has become; (2) such activities are found mostly in Lagos, Kaduna, Kano, Abuja, and Port Harcourt; and (3) their clients are both domestic and foreign nationals.

The unequal sexual relations that are prominent in the oil-producing region are also present wherever you find a large gathering of expatriates. For instance, Julius Berger Nigeria plc (a subsidiary of Germany’s Bilfinger Berger) has been present in the country since the 1960s. In recent years, it has become customary that wherever you find Julius Berger, you are also likely to find floating and rotating sex pavilions. For a dollar here, and a dollar there, girls of any and all ages and descriptions flock to their terminals and barracks for sexual rendezvous.

Something else you should know: there is a phenomenon that has been present in the Nigerian social landscape for as far back as I can remember: the sexual exploitation of Nigerian women by the Lebanese community. The Indian and Pakistani communities were also part of this treachery, but the Lebanese were the masters of the game: using African women as sexual toys, and never really considering them good for marriage. The local girls, in their estimate, were/are not good for marriage, but are good for fly-by-night sexing.

Every now and then, however, one finds a non-black, especially a European, Canadian or American, who is married to an African woman. A few of such marriages are genuine and borne out of friendship and love. Most, however, are similar to what is known in the Islamic world as Mut’a (temporary marriage). Within the African context, such marriages are, in general, characterized by the fact that (a) The marriage is kept secret to his family in his home country; (b) The wife and the children may never join him when he returns home; and (c) such a union allows the man to play out his polygyny fantasy.

In the end though, a nagging question remains: as a whole, why are White men reluctant to date/marry Black women? As it turned out, the reasons some White men gives for not dating or marrying Black women, are about the same reasons some Black men give for not marrying Black women. Collated, there are a dozen or so such reasons. In the end, the main beneficiaries are White women. And then there are Asian women. Some Black men are now going gaga over them, losing their mind in the process.

Sabidde@yahoo.com

Part 3 Coming Soon: Three questions will be answered: (a) why are White men averse to marrying Black women; (b) why a sizeable number of successful Black men stay away from Black women; and (c) what’s the problem with Black women? And more…

Your Comments

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Robot

# 1 | 14.07.2009 08:52

	A nagging question remains: why are White men reluctant to date/marry Black women? As it turned out, the reasons some White men gives for not dating or marrying Black women, are about the same reasons some Black men give for not marrying Black women. Collated, there are a dozen or so such reasons. In the end, the main beneficiaries are White women. And then there are Asian women. Some Black men are now going gaga over them, losing their mind in the process....Read the full article.

Anioma777 Anioma777 is offline

# 2 | 14.07.2009 11:33

	Poverty may be too EASY an excuse to use for why "SOME" Nigerian women engage in making themselves worthless, but to be honest its not just Nigerian women Eastern European and Asian women are being exploited. It could also be that many Nigerian women like many Nigerian men still have this INFERIORITY COMPLEX that they go senile in the presence of white people. Lack of education and home training is an even bigger factor. Personally whatever a Nigerian woman or man feels for an oyibo...good luck to them if its genuine. If its not I am shall be an amused bystander.:D One thing to note too is that NOT many white men and black women are attracted to each other as opposed to blackmen and whitewomen.

liloldlady liloldlady is offline

# 3 | 14.07.2009 12:47

	=Anioma777;371474>Poverty may be too EASY an excuse to use for why "SOME" Nigerian women engage in making themselves worthless, but to be honest its not just Nigerian women Eastern European and Asian women are being exploited. It could also be that many Nigerian women like many Nigerian men still have this INFERIORITY COMPLEX that they go senile in the presence of white people. Lack of education and home training is an even bigger factor. Personally whatever a Nigerian woman or man feels for an oyibo...good luck to them if its genuine. If its not I am shall be an amused bystander.:D One thing to note too is that NOT many white men and black women are attracted to each other as opposed to blackmen and whitewomen. I have to disagree with you on above highlighted section.... On the main, the reasons you have a lot of delta women as prostitutes in Europe, is that these European men are attracted to them....make no mistake about that. When it comes time to marry, most will often marry their Nigerian pimps, as flawed as that choice may be, rather than pick from their retinue of joes. Our women are very conservative when it comes to who they are willing to date and marry. How often do you see Nigerian women, dating or even marrying, African American men, Carribean men, Thai men, japanese men, Chinese men, Even men from other African countries. Are you saying that only Nigerian men, find Nigerian women attractive and nobody else does? (I am truly curious since I have not found my own experience to be so)Nigerian women marry mostly within their tribal origins.....They hardly venture outside their tribes how much more marry outside their Nationality or race, due in large part that, when it comes to choosing a mate, they are very very conservative and would rather marry their own. Now, when you pay them, and and the bottom line is favourable, they may disregard their reservations, and venture out of their comfort zone.

M. Akosa M. Akosa is offline

# 4 | 14.07.2009 13:29

	Marriage to Nigerians is not what marriage is all about. It is an anomaly. All these things that Sabella is trying to rationalize does not apply to many Nigerians, as they are bizarre in their practices of marriage. It is not applicable to many cases. I believe that marriages involving Nigerians must be verified, the intentions and purposes seriously examined, in order to protect vulnerable people who are believing in love, friendship and commitment as equals to marriage. It is very bizarre by western standards and norms to see an old man normalize marrying a young infant. It is an anomaly and alarm bells for social service agencies. A younger girl marrying an older man here is percieved as a trophy, prostitute or really very desperate, with lower intellect to hold her own. Shoes get size over here. But Nigerian men, especially the Igbos will fool around half of their adult life and then start loking for poor naive village girls as a (PPP) perverse pension plans. It is very perverse. For the Igbos, men are scrambling to pay school fees for teenage girls, (perverse scholarship funds) many from poor families or albinos for their ligher complexion in the hope of marrying them later. It is very weird. Poor younger girls are pushed out by their poverty stricken parents to marry any overseas suitor even if their girls will end up on the red light districts of Europe or slave "72 hours a day shift" in North America working to pay bills for a gassy, windbag old fool. The most worrying one is how women who are unable to produce male children for their husbands are pushed aside like trash, or even killed off in some bizarre manners. As those men have no inkling about what marriage or commitment is all about. Not to even mention Naija hookers in Europe servicing white men and then marrying Naija pimps who fetch them hotwater to wash hole and cook pounded yam and draw soup for them when they are away at the office. Is that marriage???

Namio

# 5 | 14.07.2009 13:40

	=M. Akosa;371519>Marriage to Nigerians is not what marriage is all about. It is an anomaly. All these things that Sabella is trying to rationalize does not apply to many Nigerians, as they are bizarre in their practices of marriage. It is not applicable to many cases. I believe that marriages involving Nigerians must be verified, the intentions and purposes seriously examined, in order to protect vulnerable people who are believing in love, friendship and commitment as equals to marriage. It is very bizarre by western standards and norms to see an old man normalize marrying a young infant. It is an anomaly and alarm bells for social service agencies. A younger girl marrying an older man here is percieved as a trophy, prostitute or really very desperate, with lower intellect to hold her own. Shoes get size over here. But Nigerian men, especially the Igbos will fool around half of their adult life and then start loking for poor naive village girls as a (PPP) perverse pension plans. It is very perverse. For the Igbos, men are scrambling to pay school fees for teenage girls, (perverse scholarship funds) many from poor families or albinos for their ligher complexion in the hope of marrying them later. It is very weird. Poor younger girls are pushed out by their poverty stricken parents to marry any overseas suitor even if their girls will end up on the red light districts of Europe or slave "72 hours a day shift" in North America working to pay bills for a gassy, windbag old fool. The most worrying one is how women who are unable to produce male children for their husbands are pushed aside like trash, or even killed off in some bizarre manners. As those men have no inkling about what marriage or commitment is all about. Not to even mention Naija hookers in Europe servicing white men and then marrying Naija pimps who fetch them hotwater to wash hole and cook pounded yam and draw soup for them when they are away at the office. Is that marriage??? Sis, look at Nigeria itself and look at the porverty in that land. Why will you blame a girl that is made a wife instead of a prostitude, knack and go? Nigerians (Igbo) are not the only one marrying late, its worldwide. These kids will rather stay at home or accumulate more than us before venturing out. So where are the young men? Must the young girl wait for them knowing that she has limited time? Old men scholarship out of poverty is better than none at all.

liloldlady liloldlady is offline

# 6 | 14.07.2009 13:45

	=Anioma777;371474>Poverty may be too EASY an excuse to use for why "SOME" Nigerian women engage in making themselves worthless, but to be honest its not just Nigerian women Eastern European and Asian women are being exploited. It could also be that many Nigerian women like many Nigerian men still have this INFERIORITY COMPLEX that they go senile in the presence of white people. Lack of education and home training is an even bigger factor. Personally whatever a Nigerian woman or man feels for an oyibo...good luck to them if its genuine. If its not I am shall be an amused bystander.:D One thing to note too is that NOT many white men and black women are attracted to each other as opposed to blackmen and whitewomen. Bros our men love power.... All over Black Africa, Including Nigeria, the African man uses his penis as an instrument of power, subjugation and oppression over women....They think women are open season, to be used as their playthings....With Poverty and that kind of mindset, I am surprised its not even worse than it is. There is nothing the white man does to those blackwomen, that our own men are not willing, able and ready to do X10. No be so? No woman will tolerate being treated without worth, if her own men nurtured and valued her....It is the way she has been devalued, by her own, ....be it family, boyfriends, soceity, that makes these girls feel 'worthless' as you call it, and therefore allow themselves to be treated anyhow, by anybody black, white, or any colour in between.

M. Akosa M. Akosa is offline

# 7 | 14.07.2009 14:13

	=Namio;371523>Sis, look at Nigeria itself and look at the porverty in that land. Why will you blame a girl that is made a wife instead of a prostitude, knack and go? Nigerians (Igbo) are not the only one marrying late, its worldwide. These kids will rather stay at home or accumulate more than us before venturing out. So where are the young men? Must the young girl wait for them knowing that she has limited time? Old men scholarship out of poverty is better than none at all. Brother Namio, What is this "make a girl a wife something?" Must you only marry a girl half your age as a statement of philathropy or charitable gesture? Stupidity. What is this assumption of penis equals power to lord over women?? A foolish, irresponsible or confused looser of a man with the longest or most virile and potent manhood is a waste of space, please. Don't you know yet???

Anioma777 Anioma777 is offline

# 8 | 14.07.2009 15:25

	@M.Akosa Is that not too much of a generalization about Igbo men? Or is it perculiar to a particuar Igbo town or state? It is certainly not the case in Delta North ( Anioma ) unless things have changed. Also that practice is also similar in many cultures. The question is why do the women let themselves be so abused and devalued ( and this is to most women irrespective of race ). @liloldlady I don't think I did a good job making my earlier point. When I said the attraction between white men and black women was not that great compared to black men and white women, I should have said that its one thing being sexually attracted its another actually respecting and seeing a black woman as a potential mate. Ironically most men will see most women as play things, its not nice to say or hear but it is a fact but nonetheless does not make it right. Even I have been guilty of it in the past. You made a very good point about women and MOST Nigerian women in particular being very conservative when it comes to dating or marriage. I digress a bit, one annoying aspect of most Nigerian women and black women in general that I have noticed compared on average to Asian, Latina or White women is the pretense in matters concerning sex even just talking. I will explain. Many Nigerian women I have dated or even just befriended will try and hide their sexuality or carry on as if they are the immaculate conception only for one to find out they can completely re-write the karma Sutra:D Let me make this clear unless a man has some SERIOUS INSECURITY PROBLEMS, while will he not want his spouse or girlfriend to exhibit her sexual prowess. The reason I hear time after time from most Nigerian women is that previous negative reactions with Nigerian guys has dampened their confidence. I think most Nigerian couples are not HONEST with themselves and both men and women share equal blame. Hopefully oneday our country will get better and women will not need to risk their lives and health as play things for ANYMAN WHITE OR BLACK::sad: Then again some might still engage in that lifestyle out of pure pleasure.

M. Akosa M. Akosa is offline

# 9 | 14.07.2009 15:45

	=Anioma777;371575>@M.Akosa Is that not too much of a generalization about Igbo men? Or is it perculiar to a particuar Igbo town or state? It is certainly not the case in Delta North ( Anioma ) unless things have changed. Also that practice is also similar in many cultures. The question is why do the women let themselves be so abused and devalued ( and this is to most women irrespective of race ). @liloldlady I don't think I did a good job making my earlier point. When I said the attraction between white men and black women was not that great compared to black men and white women, I should have said that its one thing being sexually attracted its another actually respecting and seeing a black woman as a potential mate. Ironically most men will see most women as play things, its not nice to say or hear but it is a fact but nonetheless does not make it right. Even I have been guilty of it in the past. You made a very good point about women and MOST Nigerian women in particular being very conservative when it comes to dating or marriage. I digress a bit, one annoying aspect of most Nigerian women and black women in general that I have noticed compared on average to Asian, Latina or White women is the pretense in matters concerning sex even just talking. I will explain. Many Nigerian women I have dated or even just befriended will try and hide their sexuality or carry on as if they are the immaculate conception only for one to find out they can completely re-write the karma Sutra:D Let me make this clear unless a man has some SERIOUS INSECURITY PROBLEMS, while will he not want his spouse or girlfriend to exhibit her sexual prowess. The reason I hear time after time from most Nogerians women is that previous negative reactions with Nigerian guys has dampened their confidence. I think most Nigerian couples are not HONEST with themselves and both men and women share equal blame. Hopefully oneday our country will get better and women will not need to risk their lives and health as play things for ANYMAN WHITE OR BLACK::sad: Then again some might still engage in that lifestyle out of pure pleasure. Mr dearest Anioma brother, All Nigerian men have their own federal character of perverse marriage practices. Believe me, I am not generalizing or trading banter. While Igbo men, even all of my uncles, except my brothers who have conscience and educated, all pride on marrying infants or trophy wives, even some just recycle wives like a piece of trash. The Hausa / Fulani men are into easy marriage, easy divorce. That is what Allah prescribes. The Yorubas will marry as many as the need may be, satisfy the nocturnal pleasure cravings, procreate, ascend social mobilty, you name it..... Our Edo family, don't even go there, "he say e go marry me.... Na lie, na me he say he go marry oohh.... gbosa for head with lager bottle! !!!! I will leave it for our other specialists in that area to elaborate. This our Naija dysfucntional marriage practices is now outdated and has to be discouraged.

liloldlady liloldlady is offline

# 10 | 14.07.2009 15:46

	=Anioma777;371575>@M.Akosa Is that not too much of a generalization about Igbo men? Or is it perculiar to a particuar Igbo town or state? It is certainly not the case in Delta North ( Anioma ) unless things have changed. Also that practice is also similar in many cultures. The question is why do the women let themselves be so abused and devalued ( and this is to most women irrespective of race ). @liloldlady I don't think I did a good job making my earlier point. When I said the attraction between white men and black women was not that great compared to black men and white women, I should have said that its one thing being sexually attracted its another actually respecting and seeing a black woman as a potential mate. Ironically most men will see most women as play things, its not nice to say or hear but it is a fact but nonetheless does not make it right. Even I have been guilty of it in the past. You made a very good point about women and MOST Nigerian women in particular being very conservative when it comes to dating or marriage. I digress a bit, one annoying aspect of most Nigerian women and black women in general that I have noticed compared on average to Asian, Latina or White women is the pretense in matters concerning sex even just talking. I will explain. Many Nigerian women I have dated or even just befriended will try and hide their sexuality or carry on as if they are the immaculate conception only for one to find out they can completely re-write the karma Sutra:D Let me make this clear unless a man has some SERIOUS INSECURITY PROBLEMS, while will he not want his spouse or girlfriend to exhibit her sexual prowess. The reason I hear time after time from most Nogerians women is that previous negative reactions with Nigerian guys has dampened their confidence. I think most Nigerian couples are not HONEST with themselves and both men and women share equal blame. Hopefully oneday our country will get better and women will not need to risk their lives and health as play things for ANYMAN WHITE OR BLACK::sad: Then again some might still engage in that lifestyle out of pure pleasure. In most Cultures in Nigeria...a woman enjoying sexual intercourse, and expressing that enjoyment, lays herself open to being labeled....loose! lacking in virtue!! promiscous, and wayward !! and Most importantly 'not the type of gal you took home to mama'...who needs all that oppobrium, unless they are strongly internally validated, Self actualised, and not invested in the so called good opinion of others. A lot of men, actually do lose respect for their wives, and girlfriends, if they show any kind of inkling, with regard to sexual prowess...they equate it to being imbued with a good amount of sexual experience, and most of them want virgins or something in that neighbourhood....(very silly in my opinion) Think about it...how often do you hear/see unequal standards, being applied to Women....when men are just as equally culpable, of the same thing?

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