I have been following with great amusement the hollering and carrying on by everybody and their grandmother about the real possibility that "General" Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida aka IBB will run AND win the presidential election of our great country, Nigeria. The man, IBB is threatening to be back at his Aso Rock. And fellow thieves and criminals are wetting their pants, soaked in outrage: "All dis tings is not good O! Na only one billion I tief! The man is a real tief!" Na wa O! Suddenly there are pictures of Dele Giwa everywhere, some rascals even dragged the man's wife from obscurity to come and weep her tale in a tabloid. Each time IBB decides he wants some more loot, somebody starts crying crocodile tears over Dele Giwa's grave. The man should come back from the grave and start charging commission. My Facebook account is about to crash from the outcry and outrage. In the melee, the Tribune observed that the great Bola Tinubu had been spied in the parlor of IBB begging him to run under the umbrella of that pretend democratic outfit, the Action Congress (AC). Why not? IBB apparently would be a great improvement over Abubakar Atiku who has been ignoring several questions about shady dealings in America. America would gladly give Atiku a visitor's visa to come and inspect their numerous jails. Besides he is reportedly interested in being the flag bearer of the PDP. Confusion don jam confusion. When pressed, an irritated Tinubu offered a non-denial of sorts and I parody and paraphrase him thusly: "Na Gawd go punish Tribune and the cabdrivers of the Diaspora for spreading falsehoods about me!" IBB is yet to issue his own non-denial. Let us just say that we would be shocked if IBB was to share his appointment book with the world. There are people who sleep with him at night and spit on him in broad daylight. The man is after all a disease-ridden prostitute. Credibility. Our leaders lack credibility.

Our intellectual class's angst, anger and panic are best reflected in Sonala Olumhense's recent article I-bee-bee, Me-me-me!!! that is making the rounds on the Internet. First of all, I hope IBB runs, and I fervently pray that he wins the election. Nigeria needs and deserves IBB. I will vote for him and I will apply to be his minister for misinformation. Now all of you fellow hypocrites please go and hit your unctuous heads on sharp rocks. If I see one more e gba mi article about IBB, I will throw up on the person. We are the same people that allowed Olusegun Obasanjo to return and screw Nigeria for ten years. There is nothing that IBB has done that Obasanjo and the dynamic team of Abubakar Atiku, Nasiru El-Rufai and Nuhu Ribadu has not done to Nigeria. Anything vile and despicable, these characters have done it many times over. If you want to be really angry with these enemies of Nigeria, go to Abuja and see how the ruling class has divided Abuja among themselves and shoved the "masses" into hovels on the edge of town. In fact, try this experiment; take Olumhense's e gba mi article and replace IBB's name with that of Obasanjo and you will get my point. Which is that we are too hung up on individuals. It should be about robust structures and processes. Which is what the prodemocracy movement promised us when they suckered us into fighting for the return of NADECO thugs. We may be stuck. It would appear now that there are no men and women of stature, honesty and integrity to put together simple structures for the love of our motherland. It is a crying shame, it really is.

Nigeria has the world's greatest wordsmiths, seducers weaving silken poetry from lies and sheer mind-boggling fraud. We also produce some of the world's greatest crooks. Our leaders are wanted everywhere in the world for petty thievery. There are those wishing to be president who would be arrested in the White House today should they have the chutzpah to make a state visit. At this rate, Nigeria will soon become an internationally and officially recognized state of rogue leaders and rogue followers all addicted to the dollar. Yes, our political leaders and activists have the gift of gab. They should be thieving pastors. They can charm the pants of your ass with their sweet words. But sweet words alone are not what will move Nigeria forward. The people that have stolen us blind in the past decade are now telling us this: "Enh, if you think we are thieves and murderers, wait until IBB comes back!" Ha! We the people, we the people are really quaking in our boots. Again, I say, there is this little thing called credibility. Our leaders lack credibility. And again, I say to the young, take back your country from the thieves currently ravaging our land. IBB has become a convenient distraction while they rob you blind. The first order of business is to get rid of this pretend "democracy" that was foisted upon Nigeria by those who love to mimic everything that lives and dies in the West. Enough of the bullsh*t, it is time to do the real work of nation building. Ignore the noise about IBB. After all, according to the perverse laws of our land, thieves, murderers and wife abusers are all qualified to run for the highest office of the country.

If you want to see how bad the situation, please google the Okiro report on Obasanjo's alleged role in massive corruption. There are about eighty people on that list of infamy, most of them jive-talking Nigerians. Obasanjo is the Father of our Stinking Nation. It is a list of who is who in Nigeria. If your name is not on that list, you are an oppressed nonentity. Obasanjo has not issued a denial of the allegations. And we are hyperventilating over IBB? These clowns make IBB look like Mahatma Gandhi. We owe it to our country to see to it that the thugs that did this to Nigeria do not ever see power again. But of course, I am engaging in bulls*t; they will remain in power to the death.

As we speak, our Nigerian governors have approved the execution of 300 felons ostensibly to make room in the prisons. These crooked governors are not referring to themselves and their fellow vagabonds in power (VIPs). No, they are referring to petty thieves, etc, those who resorted to stealing because our VIPs already stripped them of their birthright. The wrong thieves are about to be shot. This is a democracy my people. Shame on those who gave us this shame. By which I mean, Obasanjo, Atiku, El-Rufai, Ribadu and the leaders of the prodemocracy movement.

This piece should probably be termed, IBB: A Man of the People. I am of course thinking about Chinua Achebe's great book, A Man of the People, featuring the great Chief Nanga, M.P. If you have not read that book, please go look for it. It is my father's favorite Achebe book, faithfully chronicling how the thievery going on today has been with us from the beginning when we decided to be aping Western systems of government. I think Achebe deserves the Nobel on the strength of Things Fall Apart alone; my father thinks he should get it because of A Man of the People. If you reflect on what passes for the political process today, then you know what the book is all about. Written about four decades ago and published on the eve of Nigeria's first coup, it earned Achebe a reputation as a prophet. He is a prophet. Nothing much has changed.

Google this: "Halliburton Obasanjo Bribe." Your computer will crash from a million hits of shame. It is an outrage that this man is still considered a statesman on the world stage: Those who stole us blind are being invited by the West to give lectures on democracy and corruption. That, my people, is the definition of racism. Back to A Man of the People, yes, Achebe is a prophet. Some would argue that this is not a great feat because in Nigeria, it is easy to be a prophet. You simply say a train wreck is coming. The train wreck always comes.

I am on my knees to God and I am not a Christian. Please, God, please, please, please, let IBB run. Nigeria needs him, Nigeria deserves him. End of discussion. President IBB will get us fast to the hell that Obasanjo, Atiku, El-Rufai and Ribadu promised us. Things will get much worse before they get better. And it is already hell-hot down here. This democracy will be the end of us, mark my words. Somebody needs to do something. IBB is the man. IBB: A Man of the People.

Let me repeat this ad nauseam: IBB is the new distraction foisted upon us by the intellectual class, our shameless Goebbels: The masses wail foul at IBB while those that gave us today's hell are laughing all the way to Swiss banks. I know I am going to get patronizing retorts about the need to focus on solutions, blah, blah, blah. Anyone who truly believes that we lack solutions is living in Pluto. Achebe is right, this is a failure of leadership, no ifs, no buts about it. We are blessed with unprincipled MBA's master bull artists who have simply refused to do what they promised to do, which is to bell the cat. They have become the cats. Big fat cats.

Finally, I need to say this: If my parents are any indication, the people of Nigeria have nothing but contempt for this generation of mis-rulers. My father Papalolo points out at every opportunity that he was happier under colonialism. Now, that really hurts. He never quite understood the difference between Abacha and Obasanjo, same suffering, same difference. My mother waves her cell phone at me and predicts that the white man will soon discover a widget that will supply her light and water. No need for PHCN. As far as she is concerned, each Nigerian regime should be renamed PHCN, problem has changed name again. My parents await external intervention to free them from the multiple tyrannies unleashed on them by the Obasanjos of our cursed world. My mother loves to tell me with great mirth about the last "election": As she was going to vote, one of the PDP chieftains, a relative and a thug, asked her to stay at home, saying: "Mamalolo, don't bother going to the polls, you have already voted!". Our people, don't bother going to the polls! We have already voted! IBB is our man! And my dear IBB, I Ikhide, will make a great Minister of Information because I come from the same unprincipled intellectual class that has been aiding your ilk to screw the people. I will not fail you.

Ikhide R. Ikheloa may be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.