Looking from outside, America appears to be an open society where things happen in full view of everyone -like Paris Hilton having sex, drunk David Hasselhoff eating dinner and Larry King evolving into an owl. You imagine America and you picture a transparent snail – no shell, crystal veins, neutral saliva and skinned antennas.

I often dismiss conspiracies as those events that are not supported by facts as we know it today or facts that are not supported by events as we know it today. The day I heard sane Americans say that UN troops were preparing to overthrow the American government, I began to regard those who believe in conspiracy theories as nut cases. Of course, they in turn regarded me as naïve and ignorant. 

Inside America you get shocked that America has more nut cases than any country in the world. Yes, the only reason they do not believe in receiving 72 virgins in heaven is that they get them by traveling to Bangkok , Brazil and Banjul . Why dream of getting in heaven something you already get here on earth?

While outsiders were left in awe that America sent a man to the moon, people inside America swear that it was all staged in a theater near Houston . I even heard that someone was selling the script of the whole episode on ebay.

The greatest of all American conspiracies has been that President J. F. Kennedy was killed by the CIA or some other government agency. I have read all I could about the incident in Dallas and what I came out with was that one Lee Harvey Oswald picked a gun and killed the president and another crazy man, Jack Ruby, kill Oswald. It doesn’t make sense. The facts as we know it are not supported by events and the events are not supported by the facts. 

But sometimes in nature, that happens. Otherwise, why should the male playing mantis be eaten by the female after mating? Why? Is that Hilary’s Dream ticket plan for Obama?

Or go to Hilary and ask her how her coronation party was stormed by that skinny black man who did nothing in life but make a speech in 2002? 

The 2008 election has been littered with several conspiracies. Here are just a few:

1.) Obama was a clone. He was a clone of J.F. Kennedy done by a Kenyan graduate student at Harvard. I bet you never heard that.

2.)The Republicans are voting for Obama so that McCain will beat him hands down in November. You hear this one when Obama beats Clinton in a primary.

3.) Republicans are voting for Clinton so that McCain will beat her hands down in November. They say she is the only one that can bring Rush Limbaugh and Craig Ferguson together.

4.) Obama is a Muslim. He represents a secret plan by Muslims to take over the world. Once he is sworn in, he will institute Sharia law all over America , close down Las Vegas strip, send all gays and Lesbians over to Guantanomo Bay , abolish Christmas, convert the national cathedral into a Mosque and make Louis Farrakhan U.S. foreign secretary and Snoop Dog his drug czar.

5.) Hilary Clinton is a Lesbian. She will come out of the closet as soon as she is sworn in. The clue is in her Tax Returns and that is why she will not release it. But she is married to Bill and they had Chelsea , you said. Oh, as if Senator Larry Bathroom Craig of Idaho is not married with (adopted) children. 

6.) John McCain has a black child and when he gets to the Whitehouse the family plans to start serving fried chicken and soul food at state dinners.

7.) Bill Clinton lost a bet with the mobs and must risk his reputation to campaign for his wife, Hilary. 

8.) Congressman Dennis Kucinich was the first alien that attempted to be the president of America . If you take off his left shoe you will see his alien tail hanging out.

9.) For not voting for her, Hilary Clinton will double the child support of all white men. She will show her feminist fang by retranslating the Bible, having it written and enforced that all men must submit and succumb to their wives. (I thought that is in effect already? Even IK Turner finally succumbed). 

10.) This is the last time Latinos will vote for any candidate who does not speak fluent Spanish. By 2012, when they must have become the majority of the electorate, they will force all presidential candidates to debate in Spanish when campaigning in Texas , California , New York , Chicago (by the way, how did they get to Chicago ?), Florida, Georgia, Massachusetts, Barcelona, and Buenos Aires.

11.) The list is inexhaustible because as I write this, the makers of conspiracies working in an undisclosed basement near the parking lot of Air force Two are busy concocting new theories. It is, after all, easy to make – just get facts and twist it around and you have a conspiracy theory. 

12.) It is a theory for the same reason that suggestions that George W. Bush went to college, speaks English, has stopped drinking, are all called theories. 

• How to Get Hilary to Quit the Presidential Race

There is now a real fear that the continuing all out fight between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama is going to permanently weaken the chances of the Democrats in November’s presidential election.

(Ignore Bill Clinton’s admonition on everyone to chill out. He is out of touch with Dick Morris.)

Democratic Party leaders (wink wink – Nancy Pelosi and the superdelegates) are worried that it puts them in danger of losing an election that they are favored to win by all permutations of today’s reality. Most Democrats (Al Gore & daughters) who really want to retake the White House are at a loss on how to get Hilary Clinton to quit the race.

Here are my suggestions:

1.) Offer Hilary Clinton a written agreement that will say win or lose, neither Obama nor his Vice President will be a candidate for president in 2012. In 2012, Hilary Clinton will be entitled to the Democratic Party nomination as its sole presidential candidate. Period. No more hanky panky. Not even with the likes of Dennis Kucinich. This will dispel her fear that should she quits in 2008 the next chance she may get to run for president may be 2016 at which time she may just be seen as big grandma. Rightly, she fears that a country that has never elected a woman president will not be eager to elect a grandma president.

2.) Get Obama to promise in a written document that he will send her on a peace mission to Somalia where she will really get the chance to dodge snipers as she arrives at the airport.

3.) Get everyone in the United States to agree never to ask her again about her tax returns for the last four years. She should be free to lock and seal those papers forever with her husband’s presidential pardon papers.

4.) Call Sylvester Stallone and secure a role for her in Rocky X.

5.) Get everyone in the United State to agree never to ask Chelsea what her mother was doing at their White House residence while Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky were at the Oval Office entertaining themselves.

6.) Promise Hilary Clinton that the Democratic Party will campaign against Judas incarnate, Bill Richardson, and make sure he loses his reelection as the governor of New Mexico and get him deported to Old Mexico.

7.) For the next four years, offer Hilary Clinton the position of Ambassador to Bosnia . It will help her to find the actual footage of the sniper fire and not the sanitized one Lucifer incarnates at CBS have been showing.

8.) Get Obama to promise that his first act as president will be to send comedian Sinbad to the death row.

9.) The Democratic controlled Congress must promise to pass a bill deleting any reference of Whitewater from any dictionary in America , including wikipedia.

10.) The Democratic Party must agree on an immediate constitutional amendment that will excise Iowa and South Carolina out of the union for torpedoing the crowning of Hilary Clinton.

11.) Prior to election 2012, President Barack Obama must make Bill Clinton an ambassador to a far away country from where he would not be able to campaign for Hilary. Hilary will prefer a country like Saudi Arabia where women are not allowed to kneel under a man’s table. 

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Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo is the author of Children of A Retired God.

Robot  Villager

# 1 Looking from outside, America appears to be an open society where things happen in full view of everyone -like Paris Hil...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 22.09.2008 09:22