By now you must have read that the Civil Rights leader, Rev. Jesse Jackson said he would want to cut off Barack Obama’s nuts for talking down on black people. Rev. Jackson considers any attempt to remind black folks to take care of their kids and family and stop depending on Jackson and Al Sharpton as talking down on black people. If that was not shocking enough, he was also reported to have used the N-word. In his angst, Jesse Jackson called black people nigga.

Very interesting. I think the nigga, Jesse Jackson, is losing it completely. And the reason is not far-fetched. The guy is jealous of Barack Obama. Jackson sees Obama as the big eared, skinny looking guy who was not there when the game was killed but is now sitting at the head of the table. It must be hard on our once beloved Jesse.

In the spirit of people we wish to cut off their nuts, here are my top three:

1.) Olusegun Obasanjo: I guess you must be expecting his name. Maybe you are tired of hearing that name. Please hear me out. It is not for the reasons you think. I know what the DNA of his grandson, (Gbenga’s son) says. Yes, he is indiscriminate in his dissemination of his seeds. But trust me, my anger is for a different kind of state matter. I know many people want his nuts for billions he spent on power generation without electricity but my issue is different. Obasanjo fostered Umaru Yar’Adua on Nigeria . Ideally, the person I should go after his nuts should be Yar’Adua. But hey, the German doctors have used them to rebuild his kidney. It improved his shelf life but not his metabolism. He is still as slow as a snail. So, mad about Yar’Adua, I have no option but to go after the nuts of the man who imposed him on Nigeria- Olusegun Obasanjo.

2.) J. K Rowling: This British writer makes me mad each time I hear the number of books she has sold. Or whenever the ranking of the richest people in Britain comes out and she is placed above the Queen of England. It doesn’t really make sense. That woman was on welfare not long ago. And then, she met Harry Potter and her life was transformed.

What irks me most is that the woman knows nothing about witches. I lived in London for two year and I never saw witches. Not even a rat or a bat crossed path with me. Meanwhile, I come from a society where people can shake your hand and your nuts will disappear. Yes, in Lagos , Nigeria , people go out in the morning and come home without their nuts – lost from a casual handshake with a stranger. Though censorship has not permitted newspapers to publish photos of manhood without nuts, I am aware of where the nut collectors live and what they do with the nuts.(Don’t expect me to reveal it here. It is highly classified.)

I have seen people confess that they killed a rat at night and that their mother-in-law died the same minute the rat died. One actually cut off the leg of a bat and there on her bed was her mother-in-law with her leg cut off. It was only in one instance that the bat’s right leg was cut off and the mother-in-laws left leg was severed.

Please do not misunderstand me. It isn’t only mother-in-laws who are witches. Some wives are witches, too.

Anyway, I want to cut off J. K. Rowling’s nuts for stealing our stories about witches and making a fortune out of them without paying restitution.

3.) Craig Ferguson: Early this week, Craig appeared on his Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson spotting tiny tiny mustache. I didn’t care for his mustache and the valuable time he spent talking about it. But what got me pissed off was that upon all the millions of names in this world, the only name he chose to call his tiny mustache was Rudy, my pet name. Craig made me hate my pet name.

Though I watch Craig instead of Conan O’Brien each weeknight, I have consistently had this one issue with Craig. He makes fun of Jay Leno who I watch at 11.35 pm before I switch to Craig. But I never heard him make fun of David Letterman, who deserves to be made fun off for his meanness to Drew Barrymore after she flashed her boobs to him. Image such affront by Letterman to all decent people world over. I have told Craig several times that this is not Scotland . He is allowed to make fun of his boss. (Yes, Letterman owns World Wide Pants that produced Late Late Show.) But Craig is still in his old country mind set.

Now that he has messed up my pet name, Rudy, I want to cut off his nuts.

There are more people I want to cut off their nuts but these are the three I am after now. When I get their nuts, I want to joggle them along Fleet Street and see what headline News of the World newspaper will give to the story. 

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Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo will be signing copies of his book, Children of a Retired God at the People’s Club Hall,38 Winthrop St, Hyde Park, Boston , on Saturday, August 23^rd, 2008 at 8.00pm. For more information, contact Ehimen Edokpa at Integrity Business Group, 129 Union Street , Lynn, Phone:978-335-4451. More dates and venues will be announced as soon as they become available. His latest books, Obama and Me: How I Helped to Elect Obama President & Africa: The Shit that Happened will be out soon.

Robot  Villager

# 1 What irks me most is that the woman knows nothing about witches. I lived in ...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 19.07.2008 01:59

aguabata  Villager

# 2 funny article but seriously a man was burnt to death for allegedly stealing someones nuts, its time we take this seriously and let people know how silly this is. Even educated Nigerians believe such stories.NVS should call on villagers to sponsor an advert through the health ministry to educate people that someones genitals cannot get missing thro handshakes or touching. many have been killed violently, this is 2008 Posted by aguabata| 19.07.2008 04:14

SOJOURNER  Villager

# 3 me ,i once got my balls lost through casual handshake with a stranger.i was young and very credulous.the idea was planted into my head with this lady school mate of mine who was at the scene.bingo i touched my balls and they were gone.i wept all the way to the school compound.after my my teacher had given the girl six lashes of cane for for destroying the innocence of someone so young,ten years i think. I found the balls back into their good old place and never left since despite all the handshake i have done since across the globe Posted by SOJOURNER| 19.07.2008 06:26

blooming_i  Villager

# 4 What an article! This is really entertaining though. Posted by blooming_i| 19.07.2008 08:40

delemajek  Villager

# 5 Rudolf, You again! You sure sey person no go cut your own nuts comot first, naughty YOU. Posted by delemajek| 19.07.2008 09:20

Rola  Villager

# 6 sorry pal but JK Rowling has no nuts Posted by Rola| 19.07.2008 09:28

bobokite  Villager

# 7 Jealousy is Jesse Jackson’s problem. He is jealous of Obama’s growing popularity and chances of becoming the first black presido. Men, I enjoyed this article especially the one about witches and mother-inlwas.. lol Posted by bobokite| 19.07.2008 09:29

dem  Villager

# 8 I saw the title of this and fear com dey catch me to read the article sef. Even as I write this, I've got my legs firmly crossed... Posted by dem| 19.07.2008 14:36

ILN TOO  Villager

# 9 how do u know? Posted by ILN TOO| 20.07.2008 08:56

Olamide  Villager

# 10 Not a bad treatment for public enemies. talking about nuts, I would very much like to cut off the nuts of the following people and for the reasons put against their names. I have excluded Obasanjo from the list because I am sure at least 135, 900,000 Nigerians want to cut off his nuts, so, there is no danger of him escaping this supreme of all punishments, only sencond to capital punishment for people like OBJ. 1. Bode George- He once appeared on a GTV programme 'Kaaro O jire' and said that Nigeria was better, Obasanjo was not corrupt and that unemployment has been dratically reduced. He also stole so much money from the NPA and ran it aground. cutting off his nuts would be an act of mercy because he deserved to be shot straight. 2. Nigerian Lawyers as represented by NBA - For allowing the trampling of the rights of citizens. Where on earth are suspects 'paraded' for crimes they have not been convicted of? Only in Nigeria and our lawyers with thier big mouths and bigger grammar are there watching. The Inspector General and his incompetent Commissioners do not come back on air to proclaim the innocence of the supposed criminals when they are freed for lack of evidence. 3. The Inspector General of Police and all State Police Commissioners - For crimes already mentioned in 2 above. their nuts should not only be cut,but should be 'paraded' in all the state capitals and Abuja for being incompetent. Someone told me the IG was a Lawyer, who helped him to write his exams and who passed him at the Law School that he did not know that an accused is presumed innocent until proven guilty by the law? Even my illiterate Grandmother in our village knows that. 4. Saminu Turaki - He ruined Jigawa State, stole so much money and travelled so much that he spent an estimated 50% of his tenure out of his state. His nuts should also be cut for recommending that UMYA aka Baba Go Slow should stay in office till 2020 to monitor the implementation of Vision (less) 2020. 5. Sani Yerima - He was the Chief Promoter of Sharia law and as it turns out, he also stand accused of stealing billions of naira and increasing the poverty of the Zamfara people. His nuts should be cut and his arms amputated. 6. Professor Nwosu- For releasing the results of an election held in June 1993 in June 2008, 15 years behind schedule, leading to the death of the winner and other pro-democracy activists. Posted by Olamide| 20.07.2008 09:48

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