It’s the Tonight Show with Dr. Damages, featuring Boy Ajasco and the Tonight Show band and I'm your announcer, Bolingo…

And now, here is your host, Dr. Damages.

Dr. Damages: Thank you for coming to the show. You all sound so excited. I am excited, too. Do you want to know why? I am excited because I got my own letter from the Attorney-General and Minister for Justice, Mr. Michael Anaconda. Yes, it is laminated and safely tucked into my back pocket. It exonerates me from all current and future crimes I may ever commit in this country. It costs me some serious quid, but hey, it is worth every penny I spent. I heard O.J. was issued a visa for a quick shuttle to Abuja to meet the Anaconda, the same day that Bill Gates was denied visa. If you are smart, you better get your letter before the sale ends.

Talking about things about to end, an Abuja cleaning crew owned by the same company that won the 600 million Naira renovation contract of the Speaker’s residence in Abuja was spotted at the Ibadan hairdressing salon of Patricia Etteh the other day. The cleaning up of the famous Ibadan salon where she began her humble journey to the top of the house of representa-thieves can only mean one thing – Wole Soyinka will finally get a hair cut. Yes! Did you say about time? That was exactly what Ibrahim Babangida said when he heard the news. According to Nigeria ’s self-styled king of tabloids, The Sun newspaper, effort is on the way to throw in Edwin Madunagu and Herbert Ekwe-Ekwe as Soyinka’s head doubles.

Already two South African TV stations are vying for the rights to televise the haircut across the continent in a reality TV show called “Babashop.” The show will feature two contestants, Baba Ibrahim Babangida and Baba Olusegun Obasanjo. In between games of draughts, the two Babas will design a fitting hairstyle for Wole Soyinka. Patricia Etteh will execute their designs - one on Madunagu and the other on Ekwe-Ekwe. At the end of what is guaranteed to be a fascinating show, Nigerians will votes on the best design. The winning design will be patented by Patricia Etteh and carried out live on Wole Soyinka’s hair. The winner’s prize will be an all expense paid trip to Lagos to convince Dr. Fredrick Fasehun that the war declared on the Yoruba over her majesty, Queen Patricia Etteh, has been annulled.

Talking about wars, the other day, at the NLGC Literary Prize award night, Ibrahim Babangida invoked Marxist dialectics as he revealed the true identity of the author of the seminal work, “The Woman Died.” It ended a forty-year old mystery that had left the Nigerian literary community literally cowed. And to the astonishment of Babangida’s enemies, it was not any of the usual suspects, Nkem Nwankwo, Flora Nwapa, Amos Tutuola, or Ken Saro-Wiwa. Rather, it was a reclusive chain smoking woman formerly known as the 5th wife of Gov. Murtala Nyako.

That revelation, tangent to the real event of giving crude prize to old and uncelebrated writers still writing at home, woke up the anger of Governor Nyako of Adamawa state who wasted no time in ordering God to punish the press. I think I speak for all Nigerians when I say, Amen. You know why I agree with Nyako? It has been proved beyond any reasonable doubt by researchers at the Institute of Tropical Trees (ITT), Ibadan , that if a tree falls in the forest it does not make noise. The only reason why it seems as if it makes noise is because of the press. Those ranting irritants are in the habit of placing their videos, cameras, and microphones in the forest. Think about it, if God punishes the press, He will, in one swoop, banish all our noises.

Talking about noise, Ojo Maduekwe, while flying in an American built airplane fitted with CIA listening devises, recently warned America that US troops are not welcomed on African soil. To show how serious he was, Mr. Maduekwe paraded on Eagle Square his Hisbah squadron crop of bicycle-riding, camel-back mounting, foreign ministry’s Special Forces that are poised to smoke out the Americans wherever their aircraft carrier lands on African soil. Using a Texas made GPS hooked to an American satellite hovering overhead, Mr. Maduekwe showed the world press the positions of his rapid reaction forces ready to engage the Americans.

I agree with Maduekwe completely. Our doctors, in a complicated surgery, successfully took out 22 pellets from Tu-Face’s inner thighs. The award winning musician did not have to be flown abroad as suggested by the academically challenged senate thief, sorry, chief, David Mark. So by extension, we can handle crises in Africa without having the Americans come in with their Hum-Vs to pollute our pot-holes and pipe-borne water. I know you are thinking what about Darfur ? Well, one smart ass white boy in the world press delegation asked Maduekwe the same question. Trust the Ohafia chief, he reminded the reporter that Samuel Peters was knocked down thrice and yet he won his heavyweight fight.

That analogy is exactly the same inspiration behind Andy Uba’s continuing effort to remove Governor Peter Obi of Anambra State by way of a Supreme Court review of a Supreme Court decision. Andy said he is not desperate to remove Obi but I doubt if he is saying the whole truth. Yesterday we spoke to Andy Uba via satellite in Abuja .

Dr. Damages: Andy boy, we heard that during a recent visit to Lagos , you narrowly escaped being bundled with beggars and urchins that Lagos State was returning to their states of origin.

Andy: Don’t mind that small boy in Alausa. I thought of suing his pants off at the Supreme Court but I have better things to do with my time.

Dr. Damages: Better things like what? Responding to your critics?

Andy: Screw the Soludo and the critics. I am working on my certificates.

Dr. Damages: Was that what brought you to Oluwole?

Andy: I went in search of a professional draftsman who can craft for me original degrees.

Dr Damages: What happened to the diploma the universities gave you?

Andy: They were virtual universities and you know how that goes.

Dr. Damages: What do you mean virtual universities?

Andy: I found them online through google.com.

Dr. Damages: So why do you need experts to design certificates you can obtain from the universities even if you lost the originals given to you on graduation?

Andy: I wanted to work with experts so as to avoid the mistake Orji Uzor Kalu made with his famous letter from Brigham Women’s Hospital in Boston .

Dr. Damages: What was Kalu’s mistake?

Andy: His letter was an embarrassment to the League of Professional 419 Operators in Nigeria . For 100 Naira, an Ikeja based apprentice in our industry could have given him a fool-proof letter. As the Chairman of their Board of Directors, I do not wish to join people like Kalu in bringing the good name of the league to disrepute. (His cell phone rings. He picks it up.) Dr. Damages, Baba is on the line. You know he doesn't like the Nigerian press. I got to go.

Before we came on air, our spy in Aso Rocks informed us that Nigeria just received a telegram that may offer respite to the good people of Anambra State . In the telegram, the state of California , here in the United States , agreed to receive its renegades, urchins, and GED holders who parade themselves as PhDs. So Andy Uba will soon be heading back to South South Los Angeles. We are told that Andy’s only request was that Okey Ndibe should head the delegation of Nigerians that will welcome him at the Los Angeles International Airport .

Ok., we have a great show for you tonight. Our first guest is the special agent who uncovered foreigners undertaking espionage in Nigeria . When he comes out, we will ask our hero what secrets the foreigners were caught with that market women do not know from government papers they use to wrap their wares. We also have on the program the pastor who brought a dead man back to life. He is here with the former dead man. We will find out what the dead man saw during those transit hours he spent in heaven. I was told that he saw someone like Sani Abacha in heaven. We will find out when he comes out. Our musical guest today is the Abuja based band called Stupid Ignoramus.

Stay tuned. We will be right back.

******************************************************************************************* Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo is the author of Children of A Retired God.

Robot  Villager

# 1 ...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 15.10.2007 09:43

Bunch17  Villager

# 2 On behalf of UA I must take issues with such a biased interviewer. While in the transcript, the interviewer was referred to as Doctor, never once was UA given his fool(sic) title of Doctor. Posted by Bunch17| 15.10.2007 10:03

TEchi  Villager

# 3 Hmmmm. Interesting broadcast!! Posted by TEchi| 15.10.2007 16:59

tonsoyo  Villager

# 4 Hey Rudy, Na wa o. Hilarious. I know you as an Author, Journalist, Poet, Agricultural Engineer and now this is new dimension - How we go call am is it Internet Sit down or Stand up Comedian I guess it depends on your position while writing this. More! more! more! more! more! more! more! Posted by tonsoyo| 15.10.2007 17:43

ALORAINIDDEVIL  Villager

# 5 Ur write up is too dry.. Please never post this nonsense here next time.. What a crap!!! Posted by ALORAINIDDEVIL| 15.10.2007 18:20

emj  Villager

# 6 Hmmmm......Dr Damages, wey your own certificate? Abegy leave Dr Andy PHD Uba alone ojare.Phd na Phd, weda from Virtual o, or time limit one:biggrin::biggrin: BTW.........make una no juess try barb Kongi's hair o.....no try am at all at all. But sha dis interview dey too small......next time make u add voice-over:wink: Posted by emj| 15.10.2007 18:39