The family of Billionaire business man, Chief M. K. O. Abiola are still fighting over his will and sharing of his assets amongst his numerous children. DNA tests are constantly being done as we speak. To forestall such a fate after his passing, former president of Nigeria who is also a billionaire from the same state as Abiola, Olusegun Obasanjo is embarking on a brand-you-kid project. He is branding his initials on the chest of his numerous children. One embarrassing moment occurred after he branded OBJ on his son, Gbenga and went on to brand OBJ on Gbenja’s kids.

***

Many Zimbabweans were recently embarrassed by the performance of their president at the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization conference in Rome . At the conference, Robert Mugabe blamed the food shortage in his country on America and Britain who imposed sanction on Zimbabwe in a desperate move to effect a change in government. Our correspondent covering the event reported that a bigger embarrassment took place away from the scene of the conference. A son of a prominent Zimbabwean minister who arrived in Rome as part of Mugabe’s entourage took time off to go for a dental check up. When he visited a local dentist, the dentist was appalled by the state of his teeth.

 “Young man,” the dentist said, “why did you let your teeth go? Don’t you have dentists in Zimbabwe ?”

“Yes, we do,” answered the young man.

“So what was the problem? Didn’t you have money to pay?”

“Yes, we had money,” answered the young man. “In fact, I am in charge of printing new money. We have actually printed five hundred thousand dollar notes. So money is the not the problem.”

“So what was the reason why you haven’t seen a dentist in a while?” 

“Well, in Zimbabwe , we are not allowed to open our mouth.”

My first guest is the Chief spokesman for President Umaru Yar’Adua. 

Dr. Damages: Welcome to the big show, Chief Adeniyi.

Olusegun Adeniyi: I am not a Chief yet.

Dr. Damages: Why not? What is wrong with the Oba of your hometown?

Olusegun Adeniyi: What do you mean?

Dr. Damages: Why is he wasting time? You should have received at least three chieftaincy titles by now.

Olusegun Adeniyi: I am busy doing the work of the people. That is what matters now.

Dr. Damages: If you say so. Anyway, it is great to speak to you after so long.  It was about this time last year that we saw you while the president was attending the United Nations General Assembly meeting here in New York . I understand that he did make it this year. Why is that?

Olusegun Adeniyi: He is busy with the work of the people.

Dr. Damages: Excuse me?

Olusegun Adeniyi: He thinks his time is better spent at home moving Nigeria forward than gallivanting to New York to make a speech.

Dr. Damages: Wait a minute! What is going on here?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Like what?

Dr. Damages: It is me that you are talking to. Me, Dr. Damages. Remember?

Olusegun Adeniyi: I know quite well who I am talking to.

Dr. Adeniyi: Let me think. Ok. Ok. Ok. I got it.

Olusegun Adeniyi: You got what?

Dr. Damages: It is the oath. The secret oath.

Olusegun Adeniyi: Nonsense. What secret oath?

Dr. Damages: You are scared of the oath. You don’t want to die.

Olusegun Adeniyi: Absolute nonsense.

Dr. Damages: Oh, my good friend. I'll let you in on a secret. Such oaths do not have effect if you are talking to someone who is seven seas and seven rivers away from you. In fact, as long as the call originated from the other end, it has nullified the oath.

Olusegun Adeniyi: You mean it?

Dr. Damages: Oh, yes. Remember that I used to work for M.K.O Abiola. So I know one or two things about oaths.

Olusegun Adeniyi: In that case, let us start over again.

Dr. Damages: Why was the president not in New York this month?

Olusegun Adeniyi: He was too ill to fly.

Dr. Damages: But he was shown on TV having meetings and walking around.

Olusegun Adeniyi: The same way Republican vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, was shown on TV discussing foreign affairs with world leaders.

Dr. Damages: So why did they feel the need to administer a secret oath on all Aso Rocks staff?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Because Saharareporters were listening to everything happening in Aso Rocks.

Dr. Damages: No they are not.

Olusegun Adeniyi: Well, they could as well be. They published the picture of the president’s son flashing Naira notes and machine guns. They reported accurately what transpired when the president traveled to Saudi Arabia for medical check up. They have someone in Aso Rocks feeding them with information.

Dr. Damages: I thought Nuhu Ribadu was their source.

Olusegun Adeniyi: Well, he has been quarantined. Where he is, he doesn’t get reception on his phones. So he could not have been their source.

Dr. Damages: Could their source be you?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Me ke? What do I know? I just get by with shakara.

Dr. Damages: Tell me about it. That makes us two. So, you mean that the oath thing was to stop the mole in Aso Rocks from leaking information to Saharareporters?

Olusegun Adeniyi: That was it.

Dr. Damages: How will you know if the oath worked?

Olusegun Adeniyi: If saharareporters run out of scoops from Aso Rocks, then it worked.

Dr. Damages: So what is next for the administration?

Olusegun Adeniyi: We will soon change ministers.

Dr. Damages: We have been hearing that for a while now. When it finally takes place, will they still have time to perform? I mean, two years out of four is almost gone?

Olusegun Adeniyi: There is plenty of time. Two years out of eight not two years out of four.

Dr. Damages: He has to run again to get another four years.

Olusegun Adeniyi: It is guaranteed.

Dr. Damages: How could you say that? He could lose the next election.

Olusegun Adeniyi: (Laughs) As long as his kidney keeps holding on, he will keep on dragging the country along with him. The worst that could happen is for the man who runs against him to be named the Prime Minister. That is if he and his supporters make too much noise.

Dr. Damages: You mean that is Africa ’s new democracy model?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Look at Kenya , Zimbabwe . It is the way to go.

Dr. Damages: Is the Ministry of Niger Delta the magic wand?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Magic does not work down there. We just want to show the world that we are doing something over there. Ultimately, the solution to the problem is clear to us and to them.

Dr. Damages: And what will that be?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Total annihilation.

Dr. Damages: Say what?

Olusegun Adeniyi: You can quote me on that – total annihilation.

Dr. Damages: If Obasanjo did not do such a thing, why would Yar’Adua?

Olusegun Adeniyi: Because you people want action and he will give you all action soon.

Dr. Damages: That will be insane.

Olusegun Adeniyi: No it is not. What is insane is you talking to me while I poo poo.

Dr. Damages: Thank you Chief for taking the time fro your busy schedule to talk to us. We really appreciate it.

Olusegun Adeniyi: Anytime.

Dr. Damages: That was Chief Olusegun Adeniyi, the chief spokesman for President

Umaru Yar’Adua talking to us by satellite from Aso Rocks.

Robot  Villager

# 1 Olusegun Adeniyi: (Laughs) As long as his kidney keeps holding on, he will keep on dragging the country along with him. The worst that could happen is for the man who runs aga...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 29.09.2008 20:55

isola  JJC

# 2 Thank you Ogoo for this imaginary interview. I feel saddened reading it. Olusegun Adeniyi is or was arguably the best of the current fraternity of columnists/analysts in our country. His column in This Day was a must read for me. He was far and away my favourite, same way Paul Nwabuikwu was in the Guardian. Nwabuikwu disappeared from punditry into the bowels of government by becoming assistant to Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. I was very concerned the day Adeniyi announced that he was joining the Yar Ardua government. I try to rationalise his tenure in this government by reassuring myself that when he is done, he will write a book and tell us then, what he cannot now. It saddens me that Adeniyi will be part of a government where the a president disappeared for over two weeks and Nigerian people were being fed stories. No accountability whatsoever , the president sneaked into the country in the wee hours of the morning, as we say in Nigeria, 'just like that!' The Nigerian commentariat, and reading/attentive public need the likes of Adeniyi very badly. I am of the opinion that he serves our country best , NOT in government. But it is his call to go serve. Of course he is directly privvy to many secrets now as never before. So, Mr Adeniyi, at some point we the Nigerian people will be looking to read 'Umaru Yar'Ardua Government Up Close' a la your 'The last 100 Days of Sani Abacha'. Please, if you cant take it anymore, leave and let us hear all about it. Posted by isola| 29.09.2008 23:29

dapxin  Villager

# 3 So Random. :) So has the oath-thingy stopped/caught the mole ? Posted by dapxin| 30.09.2008 12:24