It takes a special kind of nerve to drive regularly in Lagos today and that may be one of the reasons why there seem to be fewer taxis on our streets. There are the potholes, or in some cases, yawning caverns that dot the streets and cause massive tailbacks at critical spots. There are the hordes of street hawkers who will plaintively or aggressively surround your car and try to persuade you to buy their wares, ranging from snacks, to clothing and even live puppies. There are the beggars with the tools of their own trade, from clutching chubby twin babies with eyes lined in kohl, dressed in matching woolly hats, to parading gruesome deformities to the sound of jolly tunes designed to attract the attention and compassion of passers-by. The bizarre street theatre has grown to such levels that it sometimes feels like bedlam has exploded under the hot sun. But all the above are minor distractions when compared to the activities of some sections of the law enforcement agencies, particularly towards commercial drivers.

One afternoon, making our way along Ozumba Mbadiwe Street, our car overheated and I was obliged to grab a taxi while a mechanic sorted out the problem. The taxi driver (whom I will call Adegoke), was pleasant and chatty, as so many ordinary Nigerians are despite the hardship and stress of their daily lives. We struck up a conversation about his many run-ins with the police, little suspecting that we were about to get a taste of their tactics. As we inched our way through heavy traffic, Adegoke legitimately decided to take another route in an effort to make up time. Alas, a sturdy little policewoman had other plans for us, and jumped in front of the car, forcing the taxi to brake hastily. She sneered, “Show me your particulars,” and the crestfallen driver produced his licence, national ID card and other sundry papers for her inspection, all the while muttering (prayers?) under his breath. All was apparently present and correct. Nevertheless Ms Wetin-you-carry speedily inserted her uniformed carcass into the front passenger seat, and instructed him to proceed to the local police station immediately.

At that point, I piped up from the back seat, “Officer, has he committed any offence?” She did not take kindly to this, and commanded me not to obstruct her; after all I was not the car owner and should get out and go on my way. I would have said “Not on your nelly!” but desisted from fear she would accuse me of insulting her great grandmother Eneli. Instead I politely informed her that I was a paying passenger who was already late for an appointment, and also a journalist who was very interested in the workings of Nigerian society. Her face changed in that instant, and she hastily invited a male colleague to join her cosily in the front seat, since two heads (wearing tatty berets) are better than one. Adegoke began protesting furiously, no doubt fearing that he was about to be “taxed” heavily because of my intervention.

We drove around the corner to a quiet spot where we parked, and Madam Anything-for-the-weekend got out and began circling like a hungry hyena, inspecting the car closely. I joined her, and once again asked if the driver had committed any offence and indeed where was the threatened police station? She pointed vaguely in a westerly direction. By now her colleague had decided discretion was the better part of valour, and began to say in a placating tone that I was clearly a responsible citizen who was simply showing an interest in police duties. Adegoke smelt victory and began to lament that he was innocent, blameless, whiter than white, etc. Carried away by euphoria but still unable to believe that he was about to get off scot-free, he turned to me and asked for N200 of the fare to give them so we could set off on our way.  I asked the male officer in mild tones if he was requesting money from the driver and he hastily denied it, saying, “Only if he wants to dash us”. Like a benign judge I turned to Adegoke and asked if that was the case, and of course the answer was an emphatic no.

“Case dismissed”, and we departed, with (forced) cheery greetings from the two Protectors of the Nigerian Citizenry ringing in our ears. For the rest of the journey a triumphant Adegoke rained blessings on my head, mingled with exhortations for more “patriotic Nigerians” like myself to come to the defence of his saintly taxi driving comrades to avoid a future in which public transportation in the city of Lagos is reduced to a desperate choice between kamikaze okadas, dangerous danfos and murderous molues.

* The title is a play on words linking the colour of Lagos cabs and the risky occupation of taxi driving. It has no connection whatsoever with the racist phrase directed against people of Asian origin.

Robot  Villager

# 1 It takes a special kind of nerve to drive regularly in Lagos today and that may be one of the rea...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 10.10.2007 11:32

dele26  Villager

# 2 Ronke, I am sure your encountered the Kindergarten police officers, please share your experience again on NVS in future when you encounter the properly trained ‘roja’ Nigerian police officers who are ready to collect ‘roja’ from Musa Yaradua if he doesn’t have police escort. Posted by dele26| 10.10.2007 12:14

toksyleigh  Villager

# 3 Ronke, Nice piece, I can't wait to read your next phase of your encounters in Lagos. (a.ka. Eko A ro dede ko mama ja) Thanks for the stories. Goriola Abamieda Jnr. Posted by toksyleigh| 10.10.2007 12:30

TEchi  Villager

# 4 QUOTE: We drove around the corner to a quiet spot where we parked, and Madam Anything-for-the-weekend got out and began circling like a hungry hyena, inspecting the car closely. I joined her, and once again asked if the driver had committed any offence and indeed where was the threatened police station? She pointed vaguely in a westerly direction. By now her colleague had decided discretion was the better part of valour, and began to say in a placating tone that I was clearly a responsible citizen who was simply showing an interest in police duties. Adegoke smelt victory and began to lament that he was innocent, blameless, whiter than white, etc. Carried away by euphoria but still unable to believe that he was about to get off scot-free, he turned to me and asked for N200 of the fare to give them so we could set off on our way. I asked the male officer in mild tones if he was requesting money from the driver and he hastily denied it, saying, “Only if he wants to dash us”. Like a benign judge I turned to Adegoke and asked if that was the case, and of course the answer was an emphatic no. END QUOTE: I am floored. This is most interesting. You can imagine how much suffering these taxi drivers go through in the hands of some unscrupulous and shameless Nigerian police men. And these incidences are normal occurrences with regular citizens as well who do not even drive. Our democracy is still a long way from home. Posted by TEchi| 10.10.2007 13:26

philipikita  Villager

# 5 Nice piece by Ronke. I cannot help laughing... These are rookie officers. If "Oga Seargent" coners you one day, you'll be shocked because he can frame over a dozen "charges" within one minute.:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin: Not expressing happiness at this, the antics of our police officers on the streets just give me comic relief Posted by philipikita| 10.10.2007 13:40

surulere007  Villager

# 6 What a narrow escape from the hands of recruit officers in training. What I understand is that these officers are given expected daily returns targets to the boss and getting posted on the road is a privilege that they scrabble for otherwise you'll get posted to be a gateman in a higher office's house where nothing will accrue at the end of the day. I appreciate sharing this story and hope that some of their relationship officers are reading this to (1) Improve the police force (2) Give you an honorary recognition as a good citizen of the Niger (3) Increase police salaries (4) Emphasis that it is an offence to give, offer, request or take bribe Posted by surulere007| 10.10.2007 14:39

Adeola Aderounmu  Villager

# 7 Serious warnings!!! 1. Don't try this with drunken policemen who are carrying guns! You are long gone! 2. Don't try anything when it is night time (give them money and go). The alternative is that you will be lying cold in the morning as a suspected armed robber. 3. 2 above is to ensure that your family and friends see you alive again, they love you and they want you around. 4. Again, 2 above is not that I support the egunje syndrome, but when a system is rotten from the top, down to the bottom, you must take strategies that keep you alive (to live to fight another day). Now, no more warning! Enjoy Lagos, enjoy all the good moments and take pleasure in the compelling sources of inspirations! It can only make you a better writer. Posted by Adeola Aderounmu| 10.10.2007 15:38

tonsoyo  Villager

# 8 =TEchi;209177009>QUOTE: We drove around the corner to a quiet spot where we parked, and Madam Anything-for-the-weekend got out and began circling like a hungry hyena, inspecting the car closely. I joined her, and once again asked if the driver had committed any offence and indeed where was the threatened police station? She pointed vaguely in a westerly direction. By now her colleague had decided discretion was the better part of valour, and began to say in a placating tone that I was clearly a responsible citizen who was simply showing an interest in police duties. Adegoke smelt victory and began to lament that he was innocent, blameless, whiter than white, etc. Carried away by euphoria but still unable to believe that he was about to get off scot-free, he turned to me and asked for N200 of the fare to give them so we could set off on our way. I asked the male officer in mild tones if he was requesting money from the driver and he hastily denied it, saying, “Only if he wants to dash us”. Like a benign judge I turned to Adegoke and asked if that was the case, and of course the answer was an emphatic no. END QUOTE: I am floored. This is most interesting. You can imagine how much suffering these taxi drivers go through in the hands of some unscrupulous and shameless Nigerian police men. And these incidences are normal occurrences with regular citizens as well who do not even drive. Our democracy is still a long way from home. This kind of scenario is the regular weird balancing act between our kill-and-go-policemen and the psychopathic commercial drivers in Nigerian big cities, especially Lagos. They are both birds of the same feather. Commuters and private car drivers suffers a great deal in the hand of the commercial drivers. A threatening rain is an opportunity to increase fare. If you are unlucky not to have change, it is either you lose it to the "ganja" smelling bus conductor or you are "unhappily married" to a scary looking fellow in unholy change-finding partnership. God help you if the danfo is one-chance robber. On my last visit to Nigeria in April, while driving in Lagos one of the crazy danfo drivers recklessly and knowingly by my judgment, ran into my car and took of, instead of waiting, as Eko proper, born and raised, I gave him a hot chase and cornered him before he could move too far. My nephew in the car dealt him one dirty slap before I could open my mouth, he would have gotten more if not for my intervention from the area boys around asking if they should help me to deal with him. He prostrated, and was begging. But hey the damage was already done, even if his tattered danfo was sold it can't pay for my signal light assembly broken by him. I had to let him go, and wished quietly under my breath that a crazy policeman like him will catch him that day and "roja" all the day's earning from him. That is Lagos. It is a crazy world out there, the policeman is a reflection and a creation of the larger society. Posted by tonsoyo| 10.10.2007 16:50

Saintdollars  JJC

# 9 Hmm,Quite a Pathetic Story, We are living in a Naija that well our lives is being guardede by God alone. Posted by Saintdollars| 14.10.2007 15:18