| A Bullet Proof Solution To The Niger Delta Question |
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| Written by Reuben Abati | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sunday, 13 July 2008 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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A Bullet Proof Solution To The Niger Delta Question Those who have always argued that a final solution to the Niger Delta question can only come from outside the shores of Nigeria and from the most unexpected quarters now have cause to jubilate. They have been vindicated! A company in the United States, Texas Armoring Corporation, according to the Nigerian Compass newspaper (Friday, July 11), has come up with an interesting solution and it ought to be congratulated on its ingenuity. This is in the shape of a specially designed car for the Niger Delta region to be used by oil company executives, distinguished persons, dignitaries.and their friends and relations. The car, tagged "the Nigerian Package" is being marketed as a special solution to the Niger Delta crisis. It is "specifically manufactured to protect occupants travelling in the Niger Delta region." It is common knowledge that the security situation in the Niger Delta has become an embarrassment to the whole world. It is partly responsible for the galloping price of crude oil in the international market and the reign of fear and anxiety in that part of Nigeria. There is no place like that in the whole wide world, human beings are routinely kidnapped, crude oil is stolen and taken to the high seas to be sold to pirates, young men wielding sophisticated weapons have taken over the creeks. And they are determined to teach the Nigerian state a bitter lesson and they have been doing so in many ways. These boys are bold and daring. When the Nigerian government arrests and detains one of their leaders, new leaders simply show up. There is a new fellow on the block now called Boyloaf, for example. He says he has a university degree in Mechanical Engineering, and he is ready to sabotage the Nigerian state on the question of the Niger Delta. The bitter truth is that up till now, Boyloaf and his colleagues are all over the creeks and they are always two steps ahead of the government. For many years, the Nigerian authorities thought that offshore oil locations could never be attacked. That myth was set aside when Niger Delta militants stormed the Bonga offshore facility about three weeks ago. Children, old people, and other people's wives were thought to be no-go-areas as pawns in a battle of wits, but the militants and the criminals of the Delta have since also broken that myth. Personal safety is the first thing that residents of the Niger Delta think about these days. In Port Harcourt, night life is nearly totally dead, because no one wants to get caught in a crossfire between Nigerian soldiers who are everywhere on the streets and the militants cracking gunfire as if they were playing with Christmas toys. At the heart of it all is the control of Nigeria's crude oil resources. The geniuses at Texas Armoring Corporation have taken all of this into consideration. They have done their market survey and have seen the great market potential of what they call "the Nigeria Package". And behold (!) the cars are scheduled to arrive in the country tomorrow, Monday, July 14. Trent Kimball, President and CEO of Texas Armoring Corporation says the cars "will offer superior bullet proof protection against AK-47 and M-16 threats and will also include some James Bond-type accessories such as electric shocking door handles, a smoke screen system, a road tack dispensing system, flashing strobe lights, a hidden siren/loudspeaker system and a secure dead bolt door locking system". We know James Bond and his surrealistic cars. The reference says it all. In those days, anytime we saw a car performing magical feats in a James Bond film, we would scream: "Je-mi-si Born-d" in admiration. These are cars which can fly in the air, speed on water and even disappear into thin air, leaving the would-be kidnapper or the militant trying to fire a shot, breathless and stupefied. Imagine such cars on Nigerian roads. Good. I had always suspected that one day soon, someone was going to put those boys in the creeks in their place! The cars from Texas look like the right answer. They have been designed to look as normal as the regular cars that we know: Toyota Land Cruiser, Lexus LX 570, Mercedes Benz G-class, S- class and Gl-class, Hummer H2 and H3. So, there is an element of deception here. You won't know what it is until the car begins to display its talents. These cars are meant to protect the rich and the high and mighty, particularly Presidents, Governors and high-income business people from the rampaging army of poor people who think the best way to address the crisis in their lives is to disturb their superiors. Texas Armoring Corporation is offering the cars at special prices. Well sirs, you have come to the right country, you have chosen the right market, we are told that you are also considering covering the whole of West Africa, but I can assure you that you may not even be able to meet the Nigerian demand for this special product. Special price? D-o-n't wo-rr-y. We have people here who are ready to pay any amount just to protect themselves. A James Bond style car on Nigerian streets will be a good way of putting the poor in their place. These days all kinds of struggling people buy second-hand cars which are the same models as the cars you are exporting to Nigeria, but a James Bond car is a James Bond car. Class. Security. Elegance. Fine package. I mean: even those who have nothing to fear but who are rich will buy the car just to show off with it. The Nigerian nouveaux riche is addicted to toys: some of them have as many as 20 cars. I will not be surprised if all the samples of the proposed cars have already been purchased, and if orders are being placed for the future. If not, I offer to help you prepare a list of prospective customers who desperately need to have something as exotic as a James Bond style car as a form of special protection. It is in their special interest to protect themselves from those angry boys out there. You have yourself identified oil company executives. The people of the Niger Delta are angry that after 50 years of oil exploration in their area, the Nigerian state has not deemed it necessary to ensure sustainable development in the Delta. The youths in the creeks are venting their anger on oil company executives. They kidnap them and demand ransom. Definitely, the oil multinationals would do well to buy armoured vehicles for their staff. Those who will also need such vehicles include traditional rulers and community leaders who have collected bribe from the enemies of the Niger Delta, former Governors who looted the treasury and invented the tension in the area; current Governors who have to shield themselves from the opposition. There are many Niger Delta elders and big men who can no longer go home because they know the angry youths in their communities are waiting to attack them. A car such as yours may offer such persons the opportunity to go home again. But it is not only in the Niger Delta that the rich are in need of protection. In Osun state, there is a ready market that is now developing, since no one is sure when and how the present crisis in that state will end. The political elite in Enugu state will also need James Bond-style armoured cars. Now that Sullivan Chime has been confirmed as Governor, who knows what will happen in that state? There are political gladiators in Ogun, Ekiti and Oyo states who will also readily find the type of cars being promoted useful. How about company executives across the country? They too. The wives and the children of the rich should also not be left out. The alienation between the rich and the poor in this country is so much, nothing should be left to chances. Politicians and the rich ordinarily protect themselves with the help of thugs or hired policemen, but a car like this raises the level and offers better assurance. If I may ask two questions though: are the cars bomb-proof ? Are the tyres made for Nigerian roads? Will the owners of the cars stay permanently inside them? Would they at any time step out of the cars and walk on land like all normal human beings? Have you thought of making the cars acid-proof? Nigerians can pour acid on a man's car and smoke him out out of it. Would the cars also be stone and fire resistant? And how about Egbesu and Ogun, two dreaded local spirits? Texas Armoring Corporation has opened up a market that can only grow bigger. What the Niger Delta crisis has caused is unimaginable from a distance. I believe that those who are guilty and who need to arrange their own personal security will also need armoured houses, which will be impenetrable to all kinds of weapons: human or material, armoured clothes also, armoured markets for their wives, armoured halls for their parties, armoured schools for their children, any kind of hidden places and so on. The Nigeria Package as proposed should therefore be a total package. It should provide an opportunity to use technology to address the Niger Delta question in its entirety. Wherever they turn, the Nigerian elite would need one form of protection or the other, due to the wide disparties in the land and their sorry consequences. I foresee a situation where all Nigerian leaders in business and politics may even need to live in specially designed towns where only they can hide behind the best modern toys that money can buy. The Niger Delta crisis has reached such a stage: I advise that the cars being proposed should be as strong as those armoured tanks in Afghanistan. And after-sales maintenance: Texas Armoring Corporation should set up car maintenance garages all over Nigeria just in case the customers need to fix their cars. There is a lot of money to be made in that direction as well. And please do not forget to send proposals to the Nigerian government and the state governments of the Niger Delta. In fact, if Nigerian leaders can protect oil workers and themselves and ensure a steady flow of crude oil out of Niger Delta soil, they will immediately abandon all these talks about dialogue, summit, conference and whatever. They really do not want to talk anyway, they just want access to oil... And why am I so concerned? Do I want one of those cars? No. I have not stolen Nigeria's crude oil. And I have not looted any treasury. And I don't need to hide from anybody. But, if I can get one of those cars as payment for this generous consultancy service that I have offered here, I would not mind at all. And let nobody shout "o-o-ole".. Na only James Bond sabi ride car wey dey fly, dey jump, dey waka? Hen, wetin? The thieves are those who have robbed the Niger Delta people of their God-given resources and who instead of doing what they should do along the lines of justice and equity are busy looking for ways to evade the consequences of their failure, and are even trying to create business opportunities out of the people's misery. They may need armoured brains too!
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Posted by Robot| 13.07.2008 02:05