| President Umaru Yar’Adua’s One Million Latrines |
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| Written by Pius Adesanmi | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thursday, 20 March 2008 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Shame on the throng of unpatriotic pessimists and subversive elements who never reckon with the valiant efforts of Nigeria’s leadership to “move the country forward” by taking the “dividends of democracy” to every doorstep in the country. From Abakaliki to Zungeru, “eminent elder statesmen”, “respected chieftains”, and “national stakeholders” in the PDP have joined hands with Justice James Ogebe and President Yar’Adua to ensure that the “national cake” is evenly sliced and devoured by every Nigerian. Yet, our career armchair critics continue to spew negative criticism while eating pizza and drinking hot chocolate in their comfortable Euro-American nest.
While some ungrateful Nigerians at home, slow to acknowledge the remarkable achievements of Mr. President, have mischievously christened him Baba Go-Slow, our unpatriotic critics abroad have exploited the enormous advantages of online dissemination at their disposal to megaphone that malicious alias. Shame on them!! Allah has put them all to shame by granting Mr. President the unequalled wisdom to map out ways of ushering Nigerians into positive civilization and positive modernity as opposed to the negative civilization and negative modernity that have become a way of life in Euro-America and Asia. In a story published in the March 19, 2008 edition of Thisday, the Minister of (for?) Agriculture and Water Resources, Dr Abba Ruma, was reported to have announced to Nigerians and the whole world that the federal government has concluded arrangements to construct one million latrines “within the next one year”. Dr. Ruma made this announcement through a Permanent Secretary in his Ministry, Professor O. Afolabi, who represented him at an event organized to mark the World Water day and to kick off the World Sanitation Day. Yes, this brilliant initiative is so significant that only a combination of a Dr and a Professor could have announced it. Let the critics know that this announcement was not made carelessly. After the President had his epiphany, commissions were set up to reflect on it, Nigerian and international experts were brought in to offer perspectives on the advantages of public latrines, legal opinion was provided by Nigeria’s legal consultant in the United States, Isha Ogebe. It was only after these painstaking efforts that Mr. President okayed the announcement. Now, every Nigerian knows that one of the most shameful indices of our underdevelopment is the absence of public conveniences in our cities and villages. This has led to an endemic national culture of terrible hygiene. Everywhere, Nigerians do the small one and the big one in the open. Let’s not talk about the sociology, politics, and tactics of open bowel movement in Lagos – and the individually creative strategies of disposal. Let’s just talk about our ‘Universities’. Over the years, our ‘University’ campuses have been particularly hard hit by this national disgrace. Imagine the sorry spectacle of boys and girls hitting the bush at night to “throw short put” because of inadequate conveniences in their hostels. There have been reported cases of snakes aiming for dangling parts when male students stoop in the bush at night. Only God knows how many potential Nigerians will now never be born owing to the singular factor of snakes biting dangling parts when boys answer the call of nature in the bush. We have produced several generations of astute male and female short putters in the last three decades. And who is not familiar with the sight of elderly women standing gingerly by the roadside and holding their yeri (skirt) to pee openly on their way to the farm or from the market? It is in recognition of these sorry scenarios that Mr. President has decided to prioritize the construction of a whopping one million public latrines in one year as a key aspect of our millennium development goals. This is even more urgent than the provision of electricity. In one year, Mr. President will solve a problem that none of his predecessors has been imaginative enough to resolve. One million latrines! This is vision. This is foresight. This is moving the nation forward. When next Andrewed and unpatriotic noisemakers like Okey Ndibe, Omoyele Sowore, Ogaga Ifowodo, Moses Ochonu, Obi Nwakanma, and Rudolf Okonkwo write crap about Mr. President being Baba Go-Slow, ask them if any President has ever thought of making it possible for their relatives at home to “ease themselves” (as we say in Naija) in privacy and with dignity. More importantly, which President has ever promised to do it in one year? Mr. President deserves special commendation for having opted for the positive civilization of latrines when he could very easily have fallen for the un-African and culturally insensitive lure of modern water-flushed toilets. The rush for negative civilization is so alarming that in Japan, South Korea, China, and Euro-America, they are now opting for the retrogressive option of computerized public toilets that could be programmed to clean your behind when you’re done doing your business. Is this not crazy? When will man learn to stop playing God? Not to be outdone, Ghana, Togo, Mali, Niger Republic, Burkina Faso, Cape Verde, Sao Tome and Principe, Lesotho, Swaziland, Benin Republic, and other insignificant African countries have now joined the madness of providing modern public conveniences for their people. How could these countries betray Africa in the 21st century? Have they never heard of Negritude? Did our ancestors use such corrupt instruments of modernity to move their bowels or empty their bladders? Hopefully, these African countries will retrace their steps and learn a thing or two from big brother Nigeria. Latrines are the African way to go. It would be unfortunate if Mr. President stopped his government’s admirable campaign against negative civilization at the provision of latrines. We need a revolution. There are other areas of our national life yearning for precisely the kind of vision his government has shown with the latrines. There have been reports of a disturbing tendency by some commercial farmers in Nigeria to use retrogressive farm machines like tractors for large-scale food production. Apart from guzzling the scarce, polluted petrol that we import, this practice is also un-African. Mr. President should look into the possibility of importing one million hoes from China with immediate effect for distribution to our farmers at affordable prices. If the Chinese do not know what a hoes looks like, we can give them a sample. I strongly recommend the Agatu hoe. A policy of one man one hoe (apologies to T.M. Aluko) could provide jobs to one million graduates. Speaking of oil importation, it is not uncommon for oil transporters to use modern oil tankers to ferry the imported product across the country. That is so wrong and Mr. President should correct this anomaly immediately. Every Nigerian knows that we have used a specialized tin container known as garawa or gorodom to transport liquid since 1914. Mr. President is surely aware that his northern kinsmen, who have been the most impoverished by Northern stranglehold on federal power, have perfected the culture of commercial water distribution in garawa. Has Mr. President never seen the ubiquitous mai ruwa? He is all over Nigeria, selling water in two garawa slung across his shoulder with a stick. Why transport our imported petrol in tankers when we have the marvelous technology of the mai ruwa? Mr. President should immediately order the importation of one million garawa from China. We could distribute them to one million unemployed graduates. One million graduates with one million garawa, what better way to distribute fuel across Nigeria? There is also this thing about the explosion of cell phones in Nigeria. Every Nigerian carries a minimum of three cell phones. This must be Senate President, David Mark’s worst nightmare. Imagine ordinary and poor Nigerians using models of cellphones that aren’t even on sale yet in the United States. Mr. President, this is another evidence of negative modernization. A corruption of our culture. Why should people who are only good enough for latrines in the 21st century be allowed to use black berries? Before you know it, Nigerians will start using iphones. Can you imagine, Mr. President, an iphone in a public latrine? Our ancestors communicated with drums and we should go back to our roots. It shouldn’t be too hard to get the Chinese to make one million drums for us. The Yoruba gangan (talking drum) will be particularly effective for this patriotic national revolution in latrine-friendly, culturally-appropriate communication. Finally, I have been to so many Nigerian embassies in Africa, Europe, and America. These diplomatic outposts are a disgrace to Mr. President’s cultural revolution. They rent very modern buildings. Because they are chronically underfunded, they are frequently hounded by Shylock landlords for rent. In rare cases, Nigeria owns the buildings and there is no harassment. Why should our embassies be in modern buildings when our people will soon be blessed with one million latrines at home? Shouldn’t our embassies be a reflection of who we are? Mr. President, may I humbly suggest that we construct thatched huts for all our embassies with immediate effect? We could start with preliminary huts in Washington, Ottawa, Tokyo, London, and Paris. Needless to say, this should not be limited to the chancery. Residential huts should also be constructed for our Ambassadors, who should consider wearing raffia skirts when presenting their letters of credence to the Presidents of their host countries. This, I’m afraid, is the only way that Nigeria’s idea of progress and development in the 21st century can be taken seriously by the international community.
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Posted by Robot| 21.03.2008 05:44