One peculiar characteristic of our “democracy” is the myth of Abuja and the state capitals as omnipotent centres of power. Nigerians have clung to the illusion that their affairs are administered from Aso Rock and Government House in the state capitals. Never mind the fact that former President Olusegun Obasanjo and Elder Chieftain Stakeholder James Ibori, homo corruptus plenipotentiary, had worked hard to puncture that myth. While Obasanjo made it clear, especially during his first term in office, that he would administer our lives from the skies, James Ibori declared that he didn’t really need his office in Government House for the business of the people of Delta state. All he needed was his toilet. Yes, he could govern Delta state while sitting on that thing and doing the messy business of nature. The presidential jet and James Ibori’s toilet are, thankfully, not the only locations where the affairs of 150 million people are run by the rulers of Nigeria. After all, we are talking about a political elite that is astucious enough to give a new meaning to such terms as globalization and outsourcing. The culture of governance that our democracy has thrown up is of the ‘we are the world’ variety. Gone are the days when the rulers of Nigeria used to fan across the world for three main reasons: (1) vacation; (2) loot management and administration; (3) medical and dental check up. In addition to these three reasons, Nigeria is now essentially governed from the outside by our rulers. I have identified, for now, five cities that are more or less our default Federal Capital Territories: Accra, London, Washington, Johannesburg, and Moscow. What I find intriguing is the number of Nigerian officials who govern us from these cities. On a low-traffic day, we are talking about a good number of Governors, Ministers for and Ministers of, throngs of Senators, and hordes of Reps. And these are just the ones who appear on the radar. Add state and local government officials who may also be out by their dozens in any of these cities. On any day, there are enough Nigerian officials from all three tiers of government in any of these cities – or simultaneously in all of them – to form several cabinet quorums. Note that I have not added their Personal Assistants and other aides. At one point, the National Assembly might as well have moved to Accra. Senate and House Committees scrambled to take their meetings, retreats, and other estacode-generating initiatives to the Ghanaian capital. One of those governance-from-Accra initiatives eventually got Senator Iyabo Obasanjo and Professor Adenike Grange into trouble. Ms Obasanjo’s entire Senate Committee was moving temporarily to Accra for a retreat that Obudu Cattle Ranch wasn’t good enough for! Good old London is giving Accra a good run for its money. The Guardian of Tuesday June 30, 2009 reported that the Minister of Agriculture and Water Resources and the Governors of Niger and Adamawa states were among the dignitaries snubbed at a London reception organized for Vice President Goodluck Jonathan by the Nigerian High Commissioner to Britain. Now, that’s the Vice President, a Minister, and two Governors who just all happened to be in London on entirely different missions and with entirely different delegations. Fortunately, Mr. Jonathan is only part of the furniture in Aso Rock and would not have been missed back home. And If I know Nigeria, chances are the Governors and the Minister ‘accidentally heard’ that the VP was also in town and decided to crash his owambe party. Add Permanent Secretaries, Heads of other Federal agencies, commissioners, and other Nigerian bureaucrats whose presence in London was not recorded by The Guardian’s reporter because they did not try to gatecrash the Vice President’s reception. Mind you, the London scenario was in all likelihood being played out simultaneously in Washington, Johannesburg, and Toronto, with different sets of Governors, Deputy Governors, Ministers, Senators, and Reps. A friend of mine pointed out that Senators and Reps traveling “in committee” should not be confused with those on solo runs – and all may be out at the same time in any of our external federal capitals. Who is left in Abuja? As things stand, we have no idea where our Foreign Affairs Ministry is located. It’s either in New York or Washington, given Ojo Maduekwe’s regularity in those cities. I wouldn’t put it beyond Mr. Maduekwe to rush to Washington to personally interview candidates for the post of Embassy receptionist. I listed Moscow as one of our new capital cities courtesy of Mr Maduekwe. He it was who proposed taking an entire House Committee out for dinner in Moscow in order to be able to brief them properly because there were too many distractions in Abuja! More cities are on the waiting list: Dubai, Beijing, and Cotonou. You, Nigerian, may be governed from any or all of these cities soon!
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