| These are the Titles Nigerians Bear |
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| Written by Phil Tam-Al Alalibo | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tuesday, 30 October 2007 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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These are the Titles Nigerians Bear By Phil Tam-Al Alalibo At a recent party, I overheard a conversation by some overzealous Africans on how Nigerians were title crazy or “possessed” as one put it. Unaware that I was one of them, a Nigerian, that is, they continued, in spite of my presence, to castigate Nigerians and their salacious wont for titles. One even made fun of a one-time Nigerian ambassador to Britain, Alhaji Abubakar Alhaji, claiming he adopted "Alhaji" as a title and as a name. They reeled aplenty in this craze of their African brothers in the West Coast, dismissing the Nigerian humanity as pitifully soused in vanity, self-aggrandizement and effacement like none others on the continent.
I watched in selfish amusement as their faces dropped on the floor when I was finally introduced to them by the host as a Nigerian. Upon this, they dabbled in apologetic pontifications soaked in seemingly dubious piety of sorts. But indeed, they had nothing to be apologetic for, they were right in their admonition of Nigerians about their title craze and their amassment thereof, clutching ever so vehemently to them, in the same manner a hopeless Nigerian police officer clutches to a N20 note extorted from a hapless danfo driver.
The position of these party-goers had before now been well corroborated during a visit home to Port-Harcourt in May, 2007. During this visit, I attended a function of society’s dignitaries who had come together to celebrate the 50th birthday of a wealthy Port-Harcourt business tycoon of royal reckoning. Although, I was an invited guest, I had never met this fellow until this well-attended and cherished occasion of his golden existence. Among the esteemed guests at this grandiose party were commissioners, ambassadors, special advisers, ministers, former members of the state and federal Houses of Assembly and Representatives, former senators, an ex-governor, chiefs, both big, small, chief wannabes, religious personalities, businessmen and women alike, university dons and professors and then, ordinary fellows like this PWFA (Poor Writer from America). The sumptuous event held at the lush and kingly offerings of the Presidential Hotel in the glitters of Port-Harcourt’s new GRA (Government Reserved Area) became a contest of titles never before heard or seen in recent human history. I speak not of well earned academic, religious and traditional titles, but of titles frivolously obtained in the interest of vanity. My friends, you ought to have been there to appreciate the gravity of the event. The introduction of the high table and other VIPs was a very interesting and revealing exercise as each had a title or two appended to his/her name. As the MC announced one name after the other, it became obvious that Nigerians would go to any length to obtain recognition and that would explain the dubious certificate claims of some of our politicians and those who hold themselves as leaders. In this regard, I am reminded of one Mr. Salisu Buhari, former Speaker (if we can call him that) of the House of Representatives who, at age 29, claimed (with forged birth certificate) he was 36 in order to meet the age requirement for office. But this sordid endeavor by all accounts was dwarfed by his more grievous and refuted claim of earning an MBA from the prestigious University of Toronto in Canada. Needless to aver, the Toronto university officials were quick to rubbish his claims sending him crashing out of the borrowed speaker’s chair. Not to forget this occasion that has gone into the annals of history as one for the ages. As the introductions went on, the shockers came in rapid successions. One guest was introduced as “John Doe”, JP. The applause was high and deafening as he rose in his mighty regalia to claim his seat in the exalted plains. Confused to the hilt, I asked my friend, Dr. Sokari Amachree, a professor of sociology through whom I was invited to this august gathering of the high and mighty, (wasn’t I lucky?) if “JP” was a legal title much like “JD” (Doctor of Jurisprudence) as used in the United States. His response was as interesting as it was reflective of this title-garnering disease that has inflicted the Nigerian. He explained much to my deepest amazement that “JP” is used by Nigerians who have visited the Holy Land of Israel much like Muslims who have set foot in Mecca are christened “Alhaji”. “What does “JP” mean,” I asked with felonious ignorance that amply betrayed my dearth of knowledge of the Nigerian parlance that is now in vogue in the land. “It means Jerusalem Pilgrim.” He further explained that given our society’s knack for titles, anyone so christened is respected and revered and doors fling open. If Nigerians who have visited Israel are eager to confer on themselves such a title, I pondered, what title will the inhabitants of Israel bestow on themselves? Throughout the evening, the charade of titles continued; "High Chief”, one was introduced. I waited for the “Low Chiefs” to be introduced, but none was announced. However, there was a gentleman who had "CIW" after his name in the program. When I inquired, I was told he was a "Chief-in-Waiting". Indeed! “Honorable” another was introduced even though he had never been a member of the Senate, House of Representatives or House of Assembly of any state, those, right or wrong, entitled to such appendixes. I learnt that he was a mere special adviser to the governor and therefore usurped the title of “Honorable”. Perhaps, he was ashamed of the titled “Special Adviser John Doe” as it is too ordinary. Then, there was a fellow introduced as “Right Honorable”. What then is the difference between “Rt. Honorable” and “Honorable”, I asked Dr. Amachree. “When you are addressed as “Right Honorable”, he labored to explain, it means you have held the position that accorded you that title longer than the mere ‘Honorables’.” “I see.” Another was addressed as “Senator John Doe”. Since I did not recognize him as a senator, current or past, I asked yet again my ever indulgent sociologist when he was a senator. He responded, “During Shagari’s administration.” Now, if my memory is still intact, that corrupt and inept administration of Shagari was overthrown some 25 years ago, in a bloodless December 31, 1983 coup occasioned by then Maj-General Buhari. If so, why is he still addressed as “Senator?” “In Nigeria, if you are a senator for one hour, you have earned the title for life and it does not matter if you were impeached, disgraced or retired honorably,” explained the good professor. Wonderful; There were more introductions with the usual titles of “Alhaji, Reverend, Doctor (MD and PHD), Chief, Engineer, Barrister, etc.” Then came another that confirmed my suspicions that we are a lost nation. Haba! “John Doe, ABD” was announced with an advance congratulatory message that the fellow was on the cusp of defending his doctoral dissertation in the humanities from the University of Port-Harcourt. In fact, no sooner had the MC announced this impending achievement that he unilaterally declared him a PHD and immediately addressed him as “Dr. John Doe” to the approval of all the guests. In spite of the premature declaration, no one raised an eyebrow; rather, he got a standing ovation as the gentleman stood up, waved majestically to the guests and claimed his seat among the titled men. As we mingled with the guests during the reception that had astonishing assortments of dishes both indigenous and foreign, I happened upon a fellow whom I thought I had met before. His face looked familiar and I ventured to introduce myself to him. Though he was not the person I thought he was, we struck a very productive conversation that we decided to exchange our GSM phone numbers. Additionally, we exchanged business cards and promised to meet for dinner to discuss some business opportunities before my departure to the US. But the shocker came when I looked at his card closely to determine his detailed particulars – it said “John Doe, IBM.” Once again, confused immeasurably, I consulted the gracious sociologist as to the meaning of “IBM”. Is he the founder of IBM computers which stands for “International Business Machine” or is he a computer guru that he had decided to append such a title to his name? When I showed the card to Dr. Amachree, he smiled generously and said, “This is a new one that is gaining popularity in the business community.” Still engulfed in a maze of curiosity, I asked excitedly “What is the meaning of that title in this context?” His response was an eye opener and belies the sad fact that we are a nation hinging on wanton frivolities. “It means International Business Man (IBM).” I couldn’t help but laugh at this creativity of our people, the great Nigerians. In jest I asked if there were any LBMs? “What is that,” Dr. Amachree asked appearing confused. “Local Business Man.” “The local business man in Nigeria has other titles until at such time when he is of international reckoning and will have “IBM” appended to his name.” The keynote speaker at the occasion was a SAN, a “Senior Advocate of Nigeria" as introduced "John Doe, SAN". But in reality, SAN is not a title rather it is recognition of professional tenacity and excellence. In the US when citizens are given the “Congressional Medal of Honor,” (CMH) in recognition of hard work and bravery, they hardly have “John Doe, CMH” after their name. Even Nobel laureates do not append “NPW” (Nobel Prize Winner) after their names. It is only mentioned when the accomplishments of the recipient is read. But in Nigeria, such recognition is converted into a title and so must it be. Every barrister is jostling to be a SAN and those who are already SANs ensure that everyone hears about it. But the irony is perturbing - in spite of all the so-called SANs parading the legal halls of our judiciary in clumsy and clownish white colonial wigs adorning their black skins, a small country such as Cameroun without any SANs of its own was able to wrestle the bountiful Bakassi Peninsula from Nigeria in the International Court of Justice. The corruption scandal currently rocking the House of Representatives presents a perfect example of our society’s rot. These are members who append “Honorable” to their names and yet, they have all become heavyweight boxers overnight, threatening Nigeria’s heavyweight boxer Samuel Peters infallibility as they engage one another in fisticuff that has invariably led to the death of a member. Even Etteh, the inventive and utterly reviled speaker will remain silent while she is addressed as “Honorable” whereas her cloak of contumely has driven the House to the ignoble path of scurrility. It should be noted well that Nigeria is a lost case in this regard, a case long foreclosed. We are a nation of titles as a man’s worth is measured by the caliber of his titles. It would not be long before the women of Onitsha market will assume titles of their own, perhaps, “Jane Doe, OMT”, meaning – “Onitsha Market Trader”. Even in fiction, it remains a sorry case of title amassment of primitive propensity, a true reflection of the Nigerian reality. Recently, I was watching a Nigerian movie where the main actor was said to be a medical doctor, Major in the army and a paramount chief all at the same time. He was addressed as “Chief, Dr. Major”. I was very surprised he was only a Major in the army and not a General. Similarly, retired Nigerian Generals continue to bear their ranks twenty-five after retirement even when they are bent out of shape with protruding and over-stuffed stomachs that even a pregnant buffalo would be utterly ashamed of. Even today, Buhari is referred to as Rtd. General but if he was a taxi driver I dare say he would not be addressed as Rtd. Taxi Driver Muhammedu Buhari. Why is that? What is wrong with Nigerians? I have hardly heard anyone address Colin Powell as Rtd. General Powell. It is Mr. Powell and he appears content with his new title. Even Bill Clinton is referred to as Mr. Clinton even though as former president he is entltled to the title "Mr. President" for as long as he lives. But in Nigeria, those who were in power in the 60s would have continued to answer their titles if they were alive today. During the sordid years of Abacha, we understand one of his sons created the office of the "First Son". He printed stationaries to that effect and ensured that he was addressed as the "First Son" of Nigeria by the press and all under his command. Nigerians are suffering from what the psychologist would call “A Deprived Mentality” whereupon they seek to validate their worth and existence by the number of titles they can amass. It is no wonder then that even armed robbers are titled men in our society bearing an assortment of titles being egged on by the society. When an armed robber drives up in a Mercedes Benz bought with the proceeds of his wicked trade, he is called an assortment of endearing titles – “Chief, Boss, Commander, Captain,” and what have you. To this end, it does not matter what he does for a living as long as he has the money to waste around, he will be willingly accepted by society. In any case, as the festive evening drew to a celebrated close, there was one more surprise in store for yours truly. Dr. Amachree introduced a young lady to me whom he said was interested in pursuing further studies in the US. We spoke briefly about her interest in studying Mass Communication at Howard University in Washington DC and promised to meet again the following week before my departure. Accordingly, we exchanged business cards and there it was – “Jane Doe, PJ” – “Professional Journalist.” _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Author can be reached at alalibo@gmail.com. Article also published at www.newnigerianpolitics.com
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Posted by Robot| 29.10.2007 23:07