Nigeria’s romance with farce

By Okey Ndibe

Brace yourself for this: Last week, the Kwara State Police Command detained a goat it accused of attempting to steal a car!

A joke, you think? Well, the joke’s on you. The police were in deadly earnest. The Nigerian Vanguard of Friday, January 23 reported the bizarre news. The report was then circulated globally by the online service of the British Broadcasting Corporation as well as other online and print media.

There’s no question that Nigeria continues to blaze the trail in the absurd and farcical. A friend of mine, a Nigerian attorney who practices in Washington, DC, once told me that Nigeria is a space where absurdity makes sense!

When you think it could never get more bizarre, the Nigerian state deploys its genius to invent new depths of weirdness.

For my money, I hazard that Nigeria must be the first and only country in the world where a goat was arrested – and paraded to the press – as a theft suspect! This goat was not charged with nibbling lettuce from somebody’s garden – no! It was not detained because it had upturned a street trader’s ware. No, we have it on the authority of Tunde Mohammed, public relations officer of Kwara police, that this goat was caught while attempting to steal a Mazda car!

The Vanguard’s headline told the story: “Police parade goat as robbery suspect: For attempting to ‘steal’ a Mazda car”.

You don’t believe it? Believe it! If you missed the Vanguard report, here are its opening lines: “It was a shocking sight yesterday as men of the Kwara State Police Command paraded a goat as an armed robbery suspect…The goat ‘suspect’ is being detained over an alleged attempt to snatch a Mazda car. The mysterious goat, according to the Police Public Relations Officer, Mr. Tunde Mohammed, while briefing bewildered journalists at the Force headquarters, is an armed robber who attempted to snatch the said car, Wednesday night, and later transformed into the goat in a bid to escape arrest.”

A colleague of my wife’s forwarded the report to her, seeking her comment. But how, really, does one respond as a Nigerian to this shocking joke that is, after all, not a joke? Unable to think up a response that made sense, my wife simply wrote back: “Wonders shall never cease.”

Much of the rest of the world has moved into the 21st century, but what time is it in Nigeria? Going by what many Nigerians, including so-called “educated” ones, believe, we may well be in the 15th century. A few years ago, at an international conference in Cape Coast, Ghana, a born-again professor at one of Nigeria’s first-generation universities stunned us at lunch by declaring that many of his students were witches and wizards! Two American academics, sharing the lunch table with two Ghanaians and two other Nigerians, roared in laughter; they conjectured that the man was cracking a joke. How quickly they were disabused! The storyteller told us that, usually after fasting and praying for forty days, he was able to see a gathering of these witches and wizards in his classroom. “They use four different creatures,” he announced. “Some of them carry scorpions on their shoulders. Some have monkeys perched on their heads. Some have snakes curled

 round their necks, and others are half-human and half-fish.”

“Amazing!” exclaimed one of the Americans, clearly amazed. The Nigerian academic misread the response as credulity. He then related how he once saw a vision of some of his witchcraft-practicing students congregating at midnight under a banana tree. The next day, he confronted one of the members. “What were you doing at midnight under a banana tree?” he asked her. He reported, “She ran away!”

Only recently, Britain’s Channel 4 TV aired a shocking documentary on so-called child witches and wizards in Akwa Ibom. It’s estimated that more than 15,000 children in that state have been dubbed witches or wizards. Once the stigma of witchcraft is affixed on a child, he or she is immediately ostracized. Some of the children are tortured to confess to responsibility for sickness, deaths and other calamities in the community. Many are starved, abandoned in the forest, or even killed.

As the documentary showed, deranged pastors who arrogate to themselves the pompous title of “man or woman of God,” diagnose children as witches and wizards. One of these crazed pastors, who goes by the name “Bishop” Sunday Ulup-Aya, is a self-styled “poison destroyer.” He administers a potion to rid children of “witchcraft”. According to the documentary, the darkish liquid contains strong alcohol, a substance called “African mercury,” and the “bishop’s” own blood! On tape, an apparently inebriated Ulup-Aya boasts that he had eliminated 110 witches and wizards.

After watching the disgusting documentary on youtube.com, I wondered why the Nigerian police had not all along rounded up the criminals who hurt innocent children by passing themselves off as pastors. Now we know part of the answer. As far as the Nigerian police are concerned, the real culprits are goats!

Robot  # 1 | 03.02.2009 00:44

Nigeria’s romance with farce By Okey Ndibe Brace yourself for this: Last week, the Kwara State Police Command detained a goat it accused of attempting to steal a car! A joke, you think? Well, the joke’s on you. The police were in deadly earnest. The Nigerian Vanguard of Friday, January 23 reported the bizarre news. The report was then circulated globally by the online service of the British Broadcasting Corporation as well as other online and print media. There’s no question that Nigeria continues to blaze the trail in the absurd and farcical. A friend of mine, a Nigerian attorney who practices in Washington, DC, once told me that Nigeria is a space where absurdity makes sense! When you think it could never get more bizarre, the Nigerian state deploys its genius to invent new depths of weirdness. For my money, I hazard that Nigeria must be the first and only country in the world where a goat was arrested &#...Read the full article.

akuluouno  # 2 | 03.02.2009 02:34

Dear ON, I will not attempt to add anything more to what you have written but to paraphrase the biblical mad man when Christ confronted him in one of the gospels " Why have you ON come to torment us. Is it yet time. Please leave us in Nigeria to continue praying with men and women of god until paradise comes to Nigeria":D:D:D:D:D Okey the son of Ndibe, we are finished both as a people and as a country. Religion both the Islamic and the Christian ones have taken us back to the middle ages. This organised scam derives its oxygen previously from bad governance but the drastic economic down turn has been added to it. Like I commented in an earlier thread, we have all been turned into 140 million goats by a combination of fake pastors led by Adeboye, OFR, Okonkwo, Olukoya, TB Joshua OFR and co, bad governance led by PDP and massive economic downturn led by the collapse of sub prime mortgages in the US. I cannot tell you the full story of how these men and women of god achieved their dubious end of holding educated Nigerians in mental hostage, but it is akin to what Jim Jones did in Guyana. Even the constant power outage has been turned by these smart religious alecs as God's punishment on unbelievers assuring their followers that the outage it will not affect them in the name of anything but Jesus Christ whom I know sends rain and light to both believers and non-believers alike:evil: Coming back to goats, we are now a nation of 140 million goats and we follow the man who has the palm frond whether it be religious one, political one etc etc. The born again Professor, you mentioned in yours was right, if you look closely at Nigerians and the way we behave, can you not see goats or sheep at work. From the way we drive on the Lokoja -Abuja road and other cities, the odour that comes out of the He-ones:D amongst us and the way the President of the Federal Republic Goatgerians gives out his ewe as a fourth she-goat to an Nkpi (Old He-Goat) who is the governor of a state:clap::clap::clap: All goatizens arise, eat palm frond. Let the He-goats roam freely. Down with Isi Ewu and goat meat pepper soup. We have nothing to loose in Goatgeria but our goatee, odour etc etc Okey I dey go, I no dey come. Ciao

iamgod  # 3 | 03.02.2009 04:34

According to latest report's, the goat has been bailed secretely. He was reported to have stuck to his guns and refused to regain his human form. This actually shows the depth of illiteracy and unenlightenment in our society. Many Nigerian routinely believe such incredible stories. Talk about a nation of the blind. @ akuluounu I disagree with your assertion that religion (islamic & christian)is responsible for taking us back to the middle ages (many middle east nations are among the most highly developed in the world.And they are Islamic). What is taking us back to the middle ages is an innate failure to develop. we have refused to allow The light of industrialization, science and technology beam into our society. Therefore, the mass of people have to live by 'faith'. It can be faith in anything or anyone. Also, this should show us the type of people we have manning sensitive positions. Our politicians believe in these things too and even indulge in such. We are stuck in a rut. The police has since withdrawn their claim, saying the leader of the vigilante group was insane.

Ochi Dabari  # 4 | 03.02.2009 05:49

Welcome back, ON. Just this afternoon (my time), I was wondering where you had gone. Nigeria never ceases to amaze. It is embarassing when foreigners confront one with incredulous things that happen in our country. I hope the police have now been able to sell the goat. After the butcher kills it (him), I hope someone can charge the police with accessory to murder. Why are they selling a human being? Sebi de goat no be amu roba again? Ochi

allaccess  # 5 | 03.02.2009 05:58

=iamgod;320971> This actually shows the depth of illiteracy and unenlightenment in our society. Many Nigerian routinely believe such incredible stories. Talk about a nation of the blind. Only in our society? Many Educated Africans who live in enlightened western societies still practice such. 90% of Africans are backward. primitive and retarded period (with or without their university degrees). The most unfortunate thing is they don't even have a clue they are. I am still seeing Nigerian people who have lived in London 20 years putting tribal marks on their kids. I have heard of people who still bulala the children and put "pepper" on their yansh. A family friend just had his 5th child in the US, he is only a low earning post office worker. He confirms he does not have enough cash to provide for a family of 7 but "god will provide", he is holding a donation ceremony soon. I told him he is no different from the backward Africans who produce poverty stricken children so flies can encircle them, on CNN. Well it was a South African leader who told his people not to use condoms because the white man is trying to stop them for procreating. Now that country more HIV than anywhere in the world. stupid stupid Africans!!!

Ezioyi  # 6 | 03.02.2009 06:11

Okey, you are spot on as always. My point in the thread is about what your friend in Washington DC said "Nigeria is a space where absurdity makes sense". It is unfortunately very unavoidable to to avoid absurdity in a place where the youths don't read. Our youths don't read books, not journals, not even the dailies, the newspapers are basically purchased by aged men not students. On Sundays and some weekdays, you see sights of discontented people flooding the church, drenched in wretchedness and paucity, hungry to hear the pastor preach hope and prosperity into their ears so to find consolation in their pain-stoned lives. And the pastors in turn, instead of instilling eloquent messages on this ravaged minds, they instead exploit their trauma-soaked minds to get whatever little is left off the wretched church goer. The literacy level and standard of education in the country is absurd, that's why we open our hearts and ears to swallow whatever ruckus that is thrown up as a story. That's why stories of human-goat metamorphoses make the papers. Why did someone not ask the Kwara Police commisioner "Mr. Comissioner! Did you catch this goat yourself? If no, then you don't have a reason to make the public believe this goat is indeed a human being, because it is only a propagation of an event which its occurrence is in great doubt? If the goat is indeed a human being, show us a picture of the man before he changed to a goat? Are we a nation of fools?

Danmeka  # 7 | 03.02.2009 06:59

Happy New Year Mr Ndibe, One word:When are we going to learn

Davies20  # 8 | 03.02.2009 08:10

Akuluonu.....cannot stop laughing.

denker  # 9 | 03.02.2009 08:40

=allaccess;320984>Only in our society? Many Educated Africans who live in enlightened western societies still practice such. 90% of Africans are backward. primitive and retarded period (with or without their university degrees). The most unfortunate thing is they don't even have a clue they are. I am still seeing Nigerian people who have lived in London 20 years putting tribal marks on their kids. I have heard of people who still bulala the children and put "pepper" on their yansh. A family friend just had his 5th child in the US, he is only a low earning post office worker. He confirms he does not have enough cash to provide for a family of 7 but "god will provide", he is holding a donation ceremony soon. I told him he is no different from the backward Africans who produce poverty stricken children so flies can encircle them, on CNN. Well it was a South African leader who told his people not to use condoms because the white man is trying to stop them for procreating. Now that country more HIV than anywhere in the world. stupid stupid Africans!!! chineke, god, wat have we done to be confronted with dis ravings and rantings....:icon_ques, nwam, allaccess, change your ways...:exclaim: "The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly."

allaccess  # 10 | 03.02.2009 09:46

=denker;321021>chineke, god, wat have we done to be confronted with dis ravings and rantings....:icon_ques, nwam, allaccess, change your ways...:exclaim: "The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly." I suppose you are talking about yourself you stupid African, after some of the mentality you have displayed here I have always put you in that 90% retarded and backward Africans list. shame you don't know you are primitive. olodo

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