Between who is and who could have been                by Funmi Iyanda

 

My lovely sister just left. She had come to stay with me briefly whilst on a one-week pilgrimage to the prayer city of mountain of fire and miracles. She brought my gorgeous 20 and 21-year-old nieces with her. She is the eldest of my mother’s children and a real tower of strength. My earliest memories of her were of this tall, slim, dark stunning heroine-like figure who was joyous, fun, and tempestuous. With her large almond eyes, cut glass cheekbones, straight thin nose, regal bearing and that body, all long lithe limbs with unexpected and outrageous curves only in the right places. To cap it all she had an unnerving sense of style and fashion. Today in another place, another skin, she could have been a taller Kate Moss but it was the seventies in Nigeria.

She was sought after as a model but my mother would have none of that “omoita” (vagabond) profession. Our only memento to that truncated dream was a centre spread face shoot of my sister in the then glorious Daily Times. She looked like a cross between Naomi Campbell and Iman (l swear l exaggerate not), l of course hero-worshipped her. She went to fashion school and was just finishing when my mother disappeared. The family fell apart, she is my half sister and my mum’s family took her and my other older sisters away only to abandon them. From that time when l was eight, l didn’t see her again till l was twelve and after that only the odd once or twice a year up until now. All through the years though, she has always been a steady, supporting presence in my life. She has told me over the years harrowing stories of survival that explains who she is now.

Fast forward 26 years and l watch my sister walk into my home. Her stunning bone structure entombed in layers of flesh, her large eyes dimmed and sunken into the flesh, those famed cheekbones struggling to assert themselves. Her luscious ebony skin is sallow, her full bouncy hair thin and grey, her shoulders rounded and bent, the only reminder of the girl she was in her sunshine of a smile, bright even gap toothed smile that warms the skin. She walks in and l kneel to greet her in the tradition of our culture and then got up to give her a tight hug, my true emotions and feeling incommunicable. At 48, my sister looked 68.
Fast-forward one week and my sister has finished her pilgrimage to the prayers city, her eyes are feverish and her pace restless.

 I had retreated into my sanctuary, my study, bedroom and bathroom are my ode to peace, tranquilly and sanity, no one comes in without reason or permission. I was lying near naked on my four poster wood bed, a shrine to the senses and l know the sensuality of the room, the rich regal colour and bedding, the warm oriental oils l burn and the thick maroon rug and mahogany carvings, chests and furniture makes her uncomfortable. So she would peep in, see me reading or talking on my now stolen mobile phone and duck out again. I knew what was coming but l was determined to have fun at her expense. Finally she summoned enough courage and came in, a bottle of olive oil in one hand and a bible in the other.

I am 35 and an unmarried mother of one, which of course is a cardinal offence regardless of all my accomplishments and contributions to my society. Worse still is the fact that l seem quite happy in “my condition”. My gentle dad had once (upon harassment by others l suspect) had the token so “what is the problem” conversation with me and we had got up from that with a deeper respect and understanding of each other. Second time it ever happened was after my brilliant comic sister’s third wedding, my dad and my eldest sister paid me a visit for a “now what really is the problem” conversation. My usual response is to poke fun at them, get irritated, angry then revert to humour once l realise that we are never going to be in the same place on the issue and they are really well meaning. Besides it is such a rarity that it is instantly forgettable. Compared with the hell other families give their daughters from age twenty, l know my family is brilliant about it.

 So it is with amusement that l watch my sister walk towards me, l could see her almost physically willing herself on. The week’s spiritual cleansing, three days of dry (no food no liquid) fasting and prayers and three more of only liquids and prayers had drained her physically but strengthen her resolve. Aduke, she started, l know you are oloyinbo and l understand that a good man is hard to find but let me tell you what is happening. The devil does not go to bad places, he has conquered those places. He goes to good places and people to test them and gloat at God. Look at you, you have everything but the crown of a woman, her own husband, he knows that once you have that you will be complete before God and man so he has prevented that and l plead with you that in my one week of praying, it has become clear that we must break the bondage. I have spent my life praying for my husband that is why he stopped beating me and even if he carries 50 women, he must surely come back to me so l have begun special prayers for you. Before December God must bring your husband so we can have a wedding ceremony all you have to do is accept it with me in Jesus name. She proceeded to pray and rub the oil on my head and hands. I let her. She summarises by asking me to fast with her and if possible to come to prayer city where I’ll be given a special room as a celebrity so no one knows I’m there praying for my December husband.

Through it all l oscillated between a deep sadness and an insane desire to laugh out loud, l kept biting my lower lip to stop the laughter until it bled. I wanted to gather my lovely sister in my arms and comfort her and point out who she could have been to her but l don’t think she would ever understand. Instead l sat on the bed with her rubbing her hand and nodding in agreement but gently telling l shall not be doing prayer city and such but l will pray with her. I said it to make her happy, she deserves a lot more happiness, if marriage was only about the ceremony, l would do the ceremony sans husband to give her more happiness but alas l suspect that’s not what she wants.

 
 We moved to the floor talking and my mind wandered to whom my sister could have been if she had not spent her life fighting to keep her marriage. Her husband a happy go lucky army colonel from an interesting family with three sets of twin boys, himself one of a pair was your regular army male. Hard drinking, hard smoking, hard skirt chasing. His family typical, lazy, suspicious, untrusting of a beautiful young wife, economically dependent on the one brother made good and out of control in their own individual capacity. My beautiful enterprising sister who had by the early eighties built a thriving fashion business got married to her new officer boyfriend at age 25. A vibrant, funny, happy successful woman. Then she left her business and began the army wife life of barrack after barrack. She had two beautiful daughters and due to taunts from his family and numerous girlfriends began an insane search for a son, had one more daughter and at 48 is still praying for a son.

 She physically fought girlfriends for years until she resorted to prayers. He still skirt chases and one of his reasons for liking me was that at age 14 l caught him with one and never told my sister. I wasn’t protecting him, l was protecting my sister, and even then l knew that she had enough pain to deal with. His family hates her because they believe he spends all his money on her so she has fought many battles with them and finally takes them to God having been informed that the mother and only sister are witches! He was almost killed in Liberia and given up for lost in Bakassi for three years, the army was preparing to evict them when he resurfaced my sister believes it was her prayers. Because he never got juicy army appointments she has always been the silent breadwinner of the family running two grocery stores in different army barracks. She has almost completed building a home in Lagos for that family to retire into. In all of this l must say that he is nicer than many are and is her greatest advocate, encouraging her to keep praying and fasting whilst he goes on skirt chasing and all. This is my sister’s life and the reason why she has lost her looks, her youth and her true personality but she keeps her sanity with her extreme religiosity. That l cannot begrudge her, which is the story of many women in Nigeria.

It is useless to point to the many socio economic factors that are the underlying reasons for the intractable personal and community problems that religion provides a palliative or aggravation for many people. She asks me if l have any interesting men in my life right now. I shook my head and smiled wanly, l thought of the queer, bush jr supporting, married, born again one proclaiming undying love, the selfish, insanely, unexplainably wealthy soldier turned politician asking me to cook for him and the anal, bullying corporate monster with napoleon complex. I said that there was no special one. No she said don’t look for a special one just a good enough one in fact I’d like you to marry an officer! Something tells me some officer in her barracks has been talking to her. I laughed and teased her about her weight which is causing her some health problems as l remembered a conversation my friend Remi had with a certain sitting first lady. At 45 Remi is only a couple of years younger than my sister but she could pass for her child and is still able to attract men as young as 25. Remi is unmarried and unchild and admits that she might not have minded marriage but she never found the man however, she is one of the happiest people l know and never lacks companionship both male and female. At a party the first lady walks up to Remi and says o de wa enia kan (why not find yourself someone), Remi laughs (the first lady is a relentless matchmaker) and teasingly says ha I’m looking for a special someone, my hero. The lady says with firm severity, hero ke, they are all bastards you just manage them, look at that one l married, his eyes deceived me l thought he was a gentleman but he is complete liar. Surreally, she then drags her governor husband into the circle and says wo my dear l was just telling Remi here that she should just find someone because you are all liars and the governor deadpan, says but my dear deep respect ti mo ni fun e ni mo se nparo fun e (my dear l only lie to you because l have deep respect for you)!

I thought about all this as l sat on the floor with my sister in silence, l love her so much but l also miss that other girl who might have become a confident assured beautiful woman, a sister whom married or unmarried l could have told that l am brilliantly happy in my state, requiring no one to complete me and enjoying the quest for a sane stable partner whom l might or not marry.

Robot  Villager

# 1 ...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 15.11.2006 23:12

blackscorpion  Villager

# 2 Funmi, I thought you finally gave up writing for TV journalism!!Cant remember the column now but i can recall you had one in Tempo? in those heady days. Hope we read more of you here....... Welcome back!!! Kunle Posted by blackscorpion| 15.11.2006 23:37

purple  Villager

# 3 Brilliant! Simply brilliant in presentation. This piece opens up the underbelly of many relationships that pass for marriage in the Yoruba/Nigerian context. As a people we continue to be pulled in many directions as we mix and match our indigenous culture with the pervasive influence of Western culture. The concepts of monogamy, nuclear families, single motherhood by choice and stark individuality (I do what I please regardless of societal expectations) are largely very new to many Nigerian ethnic groups. Many of our grandparents lived with and accepted arranged marriages, polygamy, extended family systems, communual life and the subjugating of the individual will for the larger good. I am in a monogamous marriage and I won't trade places with my grandmother. She was in an arranged marriage, a 3rd wife in a ploygamous family and she had nothing but praise for her husband and her co-wives. Our generation will have to keep grappling with these issues and examining what frames our perception of what is right, what is acceptable, whose standards are we using to measure and the role of religion as a coping mechanism. Posted by purple| 16.11.2006 00:08

Alley  Villager

# 4 Interesting story. But I wonder if you and Remi are really happy? i would have love to know if you and Remi actually chose not to marry or whether there are no Mr Right? if the later is the case, a pertinent question is how do our society raise enough mr rights for the future so that we wont have a situation of having the funmi's getting one or more issues outside marriage. My opinion is base on the fact that some of us that grown up without two parents really hate idea of single mums. I will love to read more. may be funmi should think of 'Between what is and what it could have have been.' Posted by Alley| 16.11.2006 09:04

OmOghene  JJC

# 5 I enjoyed Funmi's piece as her story telling abilities are quite good, i lost myself in the story and she painted a vivid picture. Good work Funmi! Is a novel somewhere in the offing? At the same time, i believe that if Funmi herself is not interested in marriage, which is her personal preserve, she should not paint all men with the same brush. I do not know the kind of men that she has been 'unfortunate' to be aquainted with, and while not discarding the fact that there are a few 'bad eggs' out there, the majority of men i have met are lovely, kind examples of the male species. That her sister is in a 'bad' marriage, does not mean that most marriages are that way. For every bad marriage i know of, i can boast about seven good ones and five fantastic ones. Marriage is a "bed of roses", as it has"thorns" in it, and must be nurtured by both parties for it to bloom. If Funmi is happily uninterested in marraige, it is not a sin, neither is it a bad thing, but i do not think that you can be a judge of something that you have never been a part of. I have been married for five years now, to a very wonderful man, who, while not being perfect yet, is working on it. I also know of many others, friends and aquaintances, in this situation also. While i salute your independent streak and enjoy the fact that you are a woman striving to bring up other women, i must say, "don't knock it till you've tried it". Cheers! Posted by OmOghene| 16.11.2006 11:00

Vaya con Dios  Villager

# 6 =Alley;138794>Interesting story. But I wonder if you and Remi are really happy? i would have love to know if you and Remi actually chose not to marry or whether there are no Mr Right? if the later is the case, a pertinent question is how do our society raise enough mr rights for the future so that we wont have a situation of having the funmi's getting one or more issues outside marriage. My opinion is base on the fact that some of us that grown up without two parents really hate idea of single mums. I will love to read more. may be funmi should think of 'Between what is and what it could have have been.' Why would anyone think that these women are not truly happy? What constitutes true happiness, by the way? And why do some people believe that for a woman to be truly happy, she must have a man in her life? Or lemme put it this way...why do some folks believe a man is the only thing that can make a woman truly happy, or that marriage is the sole reason, why women were created? :rolleyes: I feel if you can't find happiness and contentment within yourself as a single person, you will hardly ever find it as a married one. Posted by Vaya con Dios| 16.11.2006 12:03

GirlWifanAttitude  Villager

# 7 =Funmi Iyanda;138823>I thought about all this as l sat on the floor with my sister in silence, l love her so much but l also miss that other girl who might have become a confident assured beautiful woman, a sister whom married or unmarried l could have told that l am brilliantly happy in my state, requiring no one to complete me and enjoying the quest for a sane stable partner whom l might or not marry. Hmmm, Fumni you now write for NVS? Welcome, my sister. Where is our Don Abraxas to give you his specially choreographed welcoming message? Anyway, I’m glad you’re happy in your state, because I believe it’s good for one to have a companion but it’s not a must. You can live your life to the fullest and contribute your quota to the betterment of mankind without a husband, or wife; on the other hand, in regards to the quote above from your article, please if you must have a partner make sure he gives you the honor you deserve by marrying you. Like the saying goes, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Gosh, all these free spirit thing, is making my head spin. =Vaya con Dios;138823>Why would anyone think that these women are not truly happy? What constitutes true happiness, by the way? And why do some people believe that for a woman to be truly happy, she must have a man in her life? Or lemme put it this way...why do some folks believe a man is the only thing that can make a woman truly happy, or that marriage is the sole reason, why women were created? :rolleyes: I feel if you can't find happiness and contentment within yourself as a single person, you will hardly ever find it as a married one. Thank you my darling. GWA Posted by GirlWifanAttitude| 16.11.2006 12:09

Iphey  Villager

# 8 =OmOghene;138812>I enjoyed Funmi's piece as her story telling abilities are quite good, i lost myself in the story and she painted a vivid picture. Good work Funmi! Is a novel somewhere in the offing? At the same time, i believe that if Funmi herself is not interested in marriage, which is her personal preserve, she should not paint all men with the same brush. I do not know the kind of men that she has been 'unfortunate' to be aquainted with, and while not discarding the fact that there are a few 'bad eggs' out there, the majority of men i have met are lovely, kind examples of the male species. That her sister is in a 'bad' marriage, does not mean that most marriages are that way. For every bad marriage i know of, i can boast about seven good ones and five fantastic ones. Marriage is a "bed of roses", as it has"thorns" in it, and must be nurtured by both parties for it to bloom. If Funmi is happily uninterested in marraige, it is not a sin, neither is it a bad thing, but i do not think that you can be a judge of something that you have never been a part of. I have been married for five years now, to a very wonderful man, who, while not being perfect yet, is working on it. I also know of many others, friends and aquaintances, in this situation also. While i salute your independent streak and enjoy the fact that you are a woman striving to bring up other women, i must say, "don't knock it till you've tried it". Cheers! I'm not quite sure how you are able to surmise that Funmi is knocking every marriage especially when I read the parts in your response that I have highlighted. I have read the article twice and surely she knocked her sister's marriage but where did she conclude that all husbands are bad or that every marriage is in your own words that way. Can someone not come to NVS again and use her own life story to teach other's a lesson or two about life and choices. I suspect that was the lesson behind the article and it had nothing to do with hating on men or married men. While I am a strong advocate for finding your own life partner, I think there are those who by choice remain single and if they make that their choice how does it translate to the fact that they are knocking married people biko? My dear (Sister?) I think you got it all wrong. She is not calling out all men as being bad, not is she saying marriage as a whole is bad for women. Just go through the article again, and maybe you'll see the points she makes. Funmi, thanks for this story. I have had cause to say on this board before that Marriage is for those who desire it, and if they so do, they should actually take the venture of finding their man as seriously as they do other things in their life. For those who do not want to be married, it's all well and good. It's not a bed roses, but it also not a bush filled with thorns and to each his own. Thanks for the article, it was a nice read. Posted by Iphey| 16.11.2006 14:50

Sisimi  Villager

# 9 =Iphey;138845>I'm not quite sure how you are able to surmise that Funmi is knocking every marriage especially when I read the parts in your response that I have highlighted. I have read the article twice and surely she knocked her sister's marriage but where did she conclude that all husbands are bad or that every marriage is in your own words that way. Can someone not come to NVS again and use her own life story to teach other's a lesson or two about life and choices. I suspect that was the lesson behind the article and it had nothing to do with hating on men or married men. While I am a strong advocate for finding your own life partner, I think there are those who by choice remain single and if they make that their choice how does it translate to the fact that they are knocking married people biko? My dear (Sister?) I think you got it all wrong. She is not calling out all men as being bad, not is she saying marriage as a whole is bad for women. Just go through the article again, and maybe you'll see the points she makes. Funmi, thanks for this story. I have had cause to say on this board before that Marriage is for those who desire it, and if they so do, they should actually take the venture of finding their man as seriously as they do other things in their life. For those who do not want to be married, it's all well and good. It's not a bed roses, but it also not a bush filled with thorns and to each his own. Thanks for the article, it was a nice read. Iphey, I did not know I was not the only person that saw this o. I read OmOghene's comment and wondered where is she coming or going to? I loved Funmi's article and I did not see her, in any way, advocating that marriage is bad or all men are bad. So, I did not appreciate OmOghene's snide remarks, particularly about the men Funmi has been involved with. But, in this our village, one will see all sorts. If you are so dissatisifed with what others write, just come out and write your own. That is why we have something called Rejoinder or even Opinion Piece. Write your own so we will see the way you see the world. In fact, that should be the challenge. Women in particular, in my experience, are more guilty of this practice. So, you have a great husband, come out and write about him. Let us celebrate him with you and be happy for you as our sister. No, they keep quiet. But once someone says something that causes them to feel a bit uneasy, for reasons best known to them, that is when they will start making all sorts of funny remarks. The other day, that is how one woman came out of the blues with conspiracry theory of how some married women in the village have opened a school to be teaching unmarried women in the village how not to have husbands. In this our virtual village. In fact, this is a challenge to happily married Nigerian women in this village, come out and celebrate your man. I am ready to give a prize for "Nigerian Husband of the Year" in this our village if Big K will allow me. I think one year subscription to a magazine (no porn please) of choice, we will work out monetary limit. Essence magazine gives such prizes so why not us? There are many good men, let us celebrate them. But, don't come and be raining on someone else's parade, making all sorts of yeye snide comments when they are making a valid point, using real life experiences to illustrate. Forever reactive, never active. Sisimi Posted by Sisimi| 16.11.2006 15:25

RECK  Villager

# 10 Make una take am easy.. all views are welcome, that is why it is a village square. When you stand to speak, others will have their say on what you said and did not say.. makes it all merrier for the rest of us in the square. Posted by RECK| 16.11.2006 16:17

---

The conversation continues in our forum. Click here to read all comments

---