“Blind date? Never again!” I overheard Jack, a workmate of mine say to Jane. “Mmm…” I murmured and then I queried what the issue was. Jack explained his experience at the hand of a woman who claimed to be a lady but turned out to be a rock bottom ladette.

Jack went on to explain how he persuaded his lady friend to help him find a woman of his dreams with the view of marriage. His lady friend went ahead and arranged for Jack to meet a lady that would fulfil his dreams. They agreed to meet at her local restaurant.

On arriving at the restaurant, Jack was surprised what he encountered with this ladette who claimed to be a lady. She was vulgar, burping frequently and blowing her wind at regular intervals. This shocking experience happened in Liverpool, in the summer of 2007.

Hearing Jacks experience brought back memories of my own personal experience when circumstance forced me to go on a blind date too. Prior to that incident, my thoughts were why would anyone want to go out on a blind date with a perfect stranger, either they must be sad or desperate. But as faith would have it, I was destined for the same horror show!

My experience started when a friend’s Caribbean wife offered to find me a suitable woman. Her name was Val. She preferred to call me Kenneth because she said I reminded her of a brother by that name. Once I told her my plight as a single person living on his own, she was eager to help me. I was living in Birmingham then. I had just arrived in the UK and living on my own. Val was a lovely woman and a good ambassador for her people. In knowing her I can safely say that Val was mainly responsible for arousing my interest in having my own Caribbean woman as a wife.

My pursuit took place on a Saturday evening in June when Val came to see me in the company of her sister, Beverley. Val intimated to me that she had found a suitable girl and that she believed I would like her.

As I listened to Val speak my eyes glanced at her sister, Beverley. She was a very attractive girl. As Val talked about this lady she found for me, I felt myself becoming as eager as a beaver and wanted to get the ball rolling. As my imagination ran wild, my blood started running fast through my veins. I was hot!

“Wow!” I said to myself, foolishly believing that Beverley was the girl Val was talking about.

“Kenneth” Val called out. I looked at her with full attention. I thought to myself, she was going to announce that Beverley was my date.

.”She is in London.” Val said. The penny didn’t drop.

“I don’t mind.” I replied. Thinking Val was saying that Beverley lived in London.

“If I have to move to London to be with her, I’ll do so.” I added, committing myself with a typical Nigerian arrogance, laced with my deep Nigerian accent.

Val reached into her handbag and gave me a paper. It was the girl’s name and phone number. Val asked me to contact her as soon as possible. I went cold. I looked at Beverley, she caught my eye and she smiled.

“I will send your picture to Pat”. Val told me.

“Thank you very much.” I said to Val. They excused themselves and they left.

I can’t remember how I managed that night. I was apprehensive regarding my impending phone call to Pat, the girl in London. The following day I mustered the courage and phoned Pat. We agreed to meet at Euston Station in London the next Saturday night. She spoke with a sexy voice that sound very posh, which increased my desire to meet her.

I arrived at Euston Station at precisely 7.55pm and was met by Pat, the lady of my date. She saw me coming off the train and recognised me immediately. She called out: "Kenneth"; with a heavy Jamaican accent reminiscent of root reggae singers of the 1980's I turned round to look over my shoulder and saw her. She was very masculine, nothing sexy.

"Hi, thank you for making it here on time", I replied. I gave her a bunch of flowers and pulled her nearer to me and gave her a peck on her cheeks.

"That's lovely", she said. I wasn't too sure whether she meant the flowers or the peck on her cheeks nor was I willing to ask. She was immaculately dressed and appeared ready for the meeting.

Suddenly and to my utter disgust she dipped her hand into her bag, took out a cigarette and lit it. Then she took a puff and blew the smoke out from her mouth and nose. The smoke was heavy, like a factory chimney. It was as dramatic as it was disgusting. She seemed proud and elated by it all. There I was, shocked and wondering what next. I said to myself: "Dear God, please help me".

She seemed fully engaged by the imaginary joy she got from the cigarette and could barely notice me. Perhaps realising I may not be as impressed as she thought, It was then she spared a few seconds for me and asked; "Keeennneetthh, man, weerree aago?" I guessed she meant where we were going.

I gathered myself together and told her that I had an urgent business that I must attend. In order to assure her that I was serious about the date, I took her to a nearby café for tea and snack. I could barely manage to eat or drink due to the shock of what I had let myself into.

We discussed. Well, she talked to me, more like. In less than five minutes I knew enough about her and her love life. She told me about her experiences with different men that she has been with. She believed most men are bad but did not tell me why she thought I was any better. I told her a few things about myself whenever I had the opportunity to get a word in edgeways.

My train came not soon enough. I deliberately took a wrong train and changed at Rugby. I bid her goodbye and that I would be in touch. She reached out again to kiss me goodbye. I don’t know if she noticed my hesitation.

I phoned Val to tell her that I had a “wonderful” time with Pat and that however I will be returning to Birmingham that night. While in the train to Birmingham, I began to think of all sorts of excuses to give Val for not continuing the arrangement with Pat.

The experience taught me that people who are desperate for a relationship do not take sufficient time to study seriously one's profile before setting out on a date. I also realised that introduction arranged by friends is nothing but a blind date. You should be ready for surprises!!

Nosa Olotu, UK

Robot  Villager

# 1 var sbtitle1083=encodeURIComponent(The Pitfall...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 12.02.2008 17:20

Alexa  Villager

# 2 "Dear God, please help me". I couldn't help laughing at this heartfelt prayer.Blind dates have two sides to them though.People have found love(so they say)that way. Posted by Alexa| 13.02.2008 01:20

mulan  Villager

# 3 Nosa, It is caveat emptor then? I hear you... Posted by mulan| 13.02.2008 04:59

Sapele Man  Villager

# 4 "Hi, thank you for making it here on time", I replied. I gave her a bunch of flowers and pulled her nearer to me and gave her a peck on her cheeks. "That's lovely", she said. I wasn't too sure whether she meant the flowers or the peck on her cheeks nor was I willing to ask. She was immaculately dressed and appeared ready for the meeting. Suddenly and to my utter disgust she dipped her hand into her bag, took out a cigarette and lit it. Then she took a puff and blew the smoke out from her mouth and nose. The smoke was heavy, like a factory chimney. It was as dramatic as it was disgusting. She seemed proud and elated by it all. There I was, shocked and wondering what next. I said to myself: "Dear God, please help me". She seemed fully engaged by the imaginary joy she got from the cigarette and could barely notice me. Perhaps realising I may not be as impressed as she thought, It was then she spared a few seconds for me and asked; "Keeennneetthh, man, weerree aago?" I guessed she meant where we were going. I phoned Val to tell her that I had a “wonderful” time with Pat and that however I will be returning to Birmingham that night. While in the train to Birmingham, I began to think of all sorts of excuses to give Val for not continuing the arrangement with Pat. Nosa, Beautifully put together. Yeah man! You left my carribean wife in stitches with this. Is there a part two to this story? What did you tell Val and how did she handle it? No suspense this time. Please nothing but the full story. Posted by Sapele Man| 13.02.2008 09:23

Enforcer  Villager

# 5 =mulan;4294988492>Nosa, It is caveat emptor then? I hear you... mulan You said it! Posted by Enforcer| 14.02.2008 14:10

Enforcer  Villager

# 6 =Sapele Man;4294988532>Nosa, Beautifully put together. Yeah man! You left my carribean wife in stitches with this. Is there a part two to this story? What did you tell Val and how did she handle it? No suspense this time. Please nothing but the full story. Sapele Man Part two? That isn't impossible but it's not currently being considered. It is often better to leave a story like that and let your imagination do the rest. Good point you raised there. Posted by Enforcer| 14.02.2008 14:14

Enforcer  Villager

# 7 =Alexa;4294988461>"Dear God, please help me". I couldn't help laughing at this heartfelt prayer.Blind dates have two sides to them though.People have found love(so they say)that way. Alexa You rightly spot the idea behind the story! Posted by Enforcer| 14.02.2008 14:15