It seems Nigerians are forever destined to be shackled down by their past history, culture and belief; albeit in the most negative sense.

When the Jihadists, the Evangelists and missionaries came calling at separate times into the heartland of the Dark Continent, they assumed they were bringing light, enlightenment and religion to the peoples of that conglomeration of land called Nigeria and its people; aka Nigerians.

Of course, ever so pragmatic, these people embraced their visitors and their strange ways, influences and religion. In fact, so pragmatic are these people that with the passage of time, they shed all outward manners, forms, attitudes and appearances that would suggest that they hold fast to a moribund past or connote that they are living relics of the past!

In order to outdo themselves, they became more pious than the Jihadists with the Quarán from across the Sahara themselves and could easily regale you with how many times they knock their heads on the floor daily just to demonstrate their submissions to the Gods of the Arabs!

But wait a minute, shortly thereafter; another set of human beings came across the seas. This time the invaders were pale face and forever blinking in the harsh sunlight like the albinos that were routinely sacrificed to the local deities. They came with the book called Bible and mesmerized the dark skinned people on the coast some more with guns, gin, trinkets, umbrellas and mirrors; but these people were more impressed with the Dane guns that could belch a puff of smoke, thunder, lightning and deliver death from afar!

In fact it seemed like these pale faced human beings had the power to deliver the wrath of Sángo from the barrel of a piece of metal without visiting a shrine. Surely, the Bible was more potent than the local deity. So, off they went to church in their white robes and their finest fineries!

So, the Bible became the main agent of colonization as the pale faced human beings swapped the Bible for the land.

And here comes the interesting bit, the Jihadist converts remained unrelenting in their quest to subjugate all others and the mini-Popes steadfastly embraced the mantra that theirs was the only route to Heaven without the need for 72 virgins.

Inevitably the dogmatic and the brainwashed clashed; and so was Nigeria born! The midwife at the birth was a pale faced, bewhiskered human being aka Lugard. Cheerily clapping along his efforts was a nubile young woman whose presence aroused the amorous affections of the pale faced man and who would later have the honour of naming the “nigger area” as Nigeria as a condition for allowing the man to have a peep of her satin knickers!

However, you can take the pig out of the muck, but can you take the muck out of the pig?

The dark skinned, pragmatic survivor on the coast quickly learnt how to pray with only one eye closed; he kept the other one opened so as to watch over the gods of his ancestors. The other one fully embraced the invading Jihadists, took out his dagger and started to slaughter his neighbours who remained sceptical of the men with the flowing robes in order to further demonstrate his piety. He had realised that ramming his constantly on the floor daily was not enough to convince the one in flowing robes that he truly believed in the doctrine of the 72 virgins; to cement his place of affection in the scheme of things he had to attend the same Madrasa as the most powerful Mallam and grow his beard even longer!

As a matter of fact, he kept both eyes wide open to search for more victims to despatch to al-Janná!

With the house now set to go on fire, the Jihadists and the pale faced baboons retreated to watch the dark-skinned “niggers” have a naked dance in the square – they called it Independence and the dark skinned people jumped up and down in buffoonish glee and comical relief!

They ordered some tombó, they brought in some fourah de núnu and brought in the palm wine by the gourd loads to the Village Square and celebrated their imminent descent into chaos. They elected some big chiefs among themselves and decided the Indians could go to hell or wherever. But the House was due to fall apart as the centre would not hold! Due respects to Chinua Achebe here.

The chiefs partied all night and sat down to discuss how they would handle their mutual rivalry and suspicion and decided that it was better to refuse recognition to a state religion. So a secular Naija was born. But who born monkey? Each still wanted his way over the other.

So, they appointed a man, gave him the robes of the pale faced stranger from across the oceans. But they saw he still had kinky curly black hair which was undesirable for the image they wanted; so they gave him a white wig to cover his unruly mop. They gave him a title, they called him Chief Justice and told him it was his duty henceforth to administer the oath of office when the need arise for the two of them to interact around the throne of power. He in turn promised to adminsiter the oath allegiance by only the Quarán or the Bible so as not to offend the Jihadist or the pale faced ones!

But, o what a canny black man! He was determined to show the others how to remain a Big Chief; I mean why an Indian be when you can be a Big Chief? He forgot Big Chief means no Shit; Big Shit no Chief! The Civil War quickly reminded him of his follies! The braves arose from the rank of Indians and took over power from the Big Chiefs. Of course the Big Chiefs refused to take this lying low and plotted their way back to reckoning.

So, Enter the Dragon!

The Indians were encouraged to cry for democracy; they were reminded that this is one way of ensuring they get to sit at the Council of Elders or the rich before they get too old or grey or work themselves to death for the honour of having a say in the gathering of elites.

But remember the silent vows of the Big Chiefs who kept an eye open on his forefathers’ gods? He gathered a lot of the Indians together; he took them to Okrija; he took them to Ijebu-Igbó or Sagámu-wherever; in fact, he made sure they prostrated and danced naked before the deities. He ensured their alliance and allegiance before they were allowed to sit at the table with the Village Elders.

Now the Indians want a bigger share of the food on the table, but presto, they had sworn not to disturb the Big Chiefs’ feastings and were quickly reminded about their oaths. They were quickly and publicly reprimanded and other Indians warned when their pictures were displayed to other would-be rebels and the whole village.

Someone cried foul! Others exclaimed “Allah Ak-Bar”. Yet, some more screamed, “Jeeesusss”, while others lamented, “Chineke!” Those in the know laughed and wheezed, “Réré run”, “otúrúgbégé”!

But on a serious note, why should we be surprised at these revelations that our leaders are fetish? Were they not taught at the tales by Moonlight that those who ride on the tiger’s back ends up in the tiger’s belly when the ride is over?

As for me, I say, “So, kin'ni big deal! We can fight fire with fire!! This is my simple solution - let all our politicians, at the point of being sworn-in, be made to swear by Sópónna, Sángo, Esú, Ogun, Alá or Amadi-Ohá or whatever malicious native deity that they have not sworn a blind oath of allegiance to another man for the purpose of being elected to this office!”

This would serve us better than either the Bible or the Quarán.

Out.

Robot  # 1 | 01.07.2009 00:08

It seems Nigerians are forever destined to be shackled down by their past history, culture and belief; albeit in the most negative sense. When the Jihadists, the Evangelists and missionaries came calling at separate times into the heartland of the Dark Continent, they assumed they were bringing light, enlightenment and religion to the peoples of that conglomeration of land called Nigeria and its people; aka Nigerians. Of course, ever so pragmatic, these people embraced their visitors and their strange ways, influences and religion. In fact, so pragmatic are these people that with the passage of time, they shed all outward manners, forms, attitudes and appearances that would suggest that they hold fast to a moribund past or connote that they are living relics of the past! In order to outdo themselves, they became more pious than the Jihadists with the Quarán from across the Sahara themselves and could easily regale you with how many times they knock their h...Read the full article.

Segun Sam  # 2 | 03.07.2009 08:07

=Robot;368152>It seems Nigerians are forever destined to be shackled down by their past history, culture and belief; albeit in the most negative sense. When the Jihadists, the Evangelists and missionaries came calling at separate times into the heartland of the Dark Continent, they assumed they were bringing light, enlightenment and religion to the peoples of that conglomeration of land called Nigeria and its people; aka Nigerians. Of course, ever so pragmatic, these people embraced their visitors and their strange ways, influences and religion. In fact, so pragmatic are these people that with the passage of time, they shed all outward manners, forms, attitudes and appearances that would suggest that they hold fast to a moribund past or connote that they are living relics of the past! In order to outdo themselves, they became more pious than the Jihadists with the Quarán from across the Sahara themselves and could easily regale you with how many times they knock their h...Read the full article. Interesting satirical piece. No doubt you will incur the wrath from both sides of the People who follow the Book. I think your strongest point is about the pragmaticism of Nigerians, able to shed or adopt new ways of behaving and believing if it seems to assist materially. Many publicists for Christianity and Islam like to rebrand the mass conversions as evidence of the spiritual superiority of their respective faiths, but is it not much more plausible that people converted and continue to convert through a more worldly combination of self-interest and peer pressure? The later sections of your piece drift more towards the inflammatory and exaggerated caricatures, which are in keeping with satire, but deliberately offensive to Christians and Muslims, who of course will immediately switch to attack mode. As a satirical piece, I think that you could achieve greater effect by introducing an allegorical aspect: for example, reducing the scope to individuals trying to convert one another; or changing the environment & labels to create a fictional situation and country. This could also increase the comic effect.